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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it is perfect reasonable to ask in-laws to stay in a hotel over christmas

223 replies

angelicstar · 27/08/2012 10:44

We have a 3 bed house with 2 kids and me and DH so obviously all the bedrooms are taken. We are going to ask the in-laws down for 2 nights over xmas and I have suggested to DH that they stay in a hotel which we will pay for. The hotel is in a nice area 5 mins walk from our house and is a perfectly nice hotel so its not hardship for them.

I think it will be much easier this way as we won't have to shuffle around the rooms (me and DCs are not great sleepers anywayso changing rooms will not help) and it will also give me my own space away from the in-laws (we don't get on that well). Hosting Christmas is hard enough as it is without unwanted overnight guests! If I am less stressed then everyone will be less stressed and getting a break from being a hostess overnight will make things alot easier for me.

However DH seems to think this is a bit unreasonable though and feels that we should put them up as it is "the least we can do". I also suspect that the in-laws might not be too happy as when I have tried to encourage them to stay in a hotel before they have resisted - but I just don't see what the problem is.AIBU??

OP posts:
SoggySummer · 27/08/2012 11:48

Most family fall outs happen at Xmas and usually over stupid crap! I do actually think its the beeing squeezed in all or nothing approach that families do (us included) that heavily contribute to this!

I bet if you do a search for Xmas to New year time on mumsnet forums you will have no problem finding threads of stressed of people either hosting a well squeezed family house full of relatives or staying in one!

Am so surprised so many people see the hotel option as rude.

Original poster
angelicstar · 27/08/2012 11:50

soggysummer - that is a good idea about adding a treat to their room

My husband would probably be happy having them to stay and would rather we did but I think he also appreciates that I do find them stressful to be around and need my own space. Also I will be the one doing most of the organising and hosting and cooking!

For the people who have said the gps will want to spend as much time with the gc as possible - well they will be spending all the time the gc are awake with them. The children go to bed at 7 and wake at 6. So the gps will probably leave ours about 10ish to go back to the hotel and then get to ours 9ish for breakfast.

I admit that I do not like my in-laws but this is not really about that as I wouldn't really want to spend 48 hours non stop in anyones company - even close friends or family!!

Some people seem to be very over-sensitive about the staying in houses issue. Are you saying that you are quite happy to put someone to the inconvenience and stress of hosting you overnight - without a care for their feelings?

OP posts:
WelshMaenad · 27/08/2012 11:50

YANBU.

IL's visit us three times a year. They stay in a hotel, they pay. No hotel, no visit. I could not cope with having them here 24/7. Wehave 2 kids in a small 2 bed house, there is just nowhere to put them and we would all be on top of each other. Relations between us are fragile anyway, it would not end well.

When dh's brothers visit alone they stay on the sofa and I find that stressful and disruptive enough, and I like them!

LadyBeagleEyes · 27/08/2012 11:51

I really don't understand why people think it's rude either soggy.
Why overcrowd everybody in a small space when the ideal solution is 5 minutes away?
And if the ILs want to see the kids first thing then they only have to get up earlier and go round.

ladymariner · 27/08/2012 11:54

I don't particularly can't stand my inlaws but they're my husbands parents, I adore him and they're part of the package. I would never ask anyone to go into a hotel if they've made the effort to come and see us.
Could you not delegate jobs in order to make things a bit easier for you, add a bit of flattery...."oh mil, you make such good gravy, could you do that whilst fil pours the wine " etc......(ok I realise that sounds a bit naff but you get the idea!), and just try to jog along.

I'd be mightily pissed off if dh just decided who and who didn't get to stay in OUR house....

Inertia · 27/08/2012 11:54

Maybe the ILs were hoping to see the children's faces when they first spot all the presents? Or hope to have the children wake them to show them their stocking? My MIL loves this (we do a stocking for MIL too, and she and the children open them together).

I would offer them the choice, because Christmas morning is the magical bit. Put one of the children in your room on an airbed to get round the issue of kids disturbing one another. If they'd prefer their own space then hotel is fine.

And don't wait on them, just say that they're welcome to help themselves to what they want.

Original poster
angelicstar · 27/08/2012 11:54

outragedatthepriceoffreddos - I've not asked them yet (I was just getting opinion on here before going to ask them at the beginning of Sept), but when I do it will be very polite but clear that they will be staying in a hotel and we will be treating them to it.

Something along the lines of "dear X we would love to have you come down for xmas day to spend it with us and the children. As you know the house is quite small so we think it would be nice for you to stay in X hotel so that you can have some space. Me and DH will organise this and pay for it so you don't need to worry about the cost etc etc...

Surely that is reasonable?!

OP posts:
ladymariner · 27/08/2012 11:58

So you have already decided then........why ask then. Unless you were expecting a unanimous round of approval?

TidyDancer · 27/08/2012 12:01

I think YABU. It will (quite rightly) be seen as "I don't want you staying in my house and I would rather pay than make it work".

You either put the DCs in one room or give up your room for the two nights.

Is there any reason you haven't considered offering your room to them?

LadyBeagleEyes · 27/08/2012 12:01

I would think it was a treat op.
How does everyone know that the ILs' wouldn't, after getting the invite say Phew and give a sigh of relief.
I would.

TidyDancer · 27/08/2012 12:02

Yeah, why bother asking? You have clearly not wanted to hear anything other than YANBU and are not willing to consider any compromises.

I know it shouldn't, but it always amazes me why people bother using AIBU if they are not willing to take on board other perspectives.

ladymariner · 27/08/2012 12:03

They may well do, but it's the fact that they're not getting the choice and that the op is overriding her dh who quite rightly wants his parents to stay that is the problem.

Original poster
angelicstar · 27/08/2012 12:03

tidydancer.

The reason I haven't offered my own room to them is that I am a really bad sleeper and struggle to sleep even in my own bed - if I go into another bed it will have to be in my DS's room with him and I know I won't sleep well. I want to enjoy xmas too and don't want to be tired and grumpy after a poor nights sleep!

OP posts:
Morloth · 27/08/2012 12:03

Shrug, your family, you are quite clearly sure you are not unreasonable.

My inlaws come for the Christmas weekend and they only live 20 minutes away. We like having them around, I pretty much run an open house though so don't find houseguests stressful.

HeathRobinson · 27/08/2012 12:03

YANBU. Hotel option sounds nice, imo. Everyone rested and downtime for you. If dh insists on having them in the house, work out the chores 50-50. It's not fair that you get to do everything and he wants to add two LUMPS into the mix.

LUMPS are guests who just sit there and never lift a finger. My mum and fil are like this. Mil was a treat to have round, nothing was too much trouble for her.

ladymariner · 27/08/2012 12:03

That was to lady eagle, btw x

HiHowAreYou · 27/08/2012 12:04

I wouldn't be offended by someone paying for me to stay in a hotel five minutes down the road in the slightest.
I'm surprised so many people think it is a clear message that your guests are unwelcome, BUT, so many people do think that, you'll have to bear it in mind I guess.

ladymariner · 27/08/2012 12:04

Eagle??? Beagle.....bloody iPad!

Original poster
angelicstar · 27/08/2012 12:06

ladymariner. maybe I am overriding my dps choice but then if it were to be the other way round he would be overriding my choice so really in this situation someone is going to be annoyed and not get their own way.

tidydancer - I am listening to others opinions and some have said that I am being reasonable.!

OP posts:
Morloth · 27/08/2012 12:07

Surely your DH knows his parents well enough to know whether they would be happy with the hotel or whether they would be offended?

Original poster
angelicstar · 27/08/2012 12:08

morloth - we are clearly at opposite ends of the hostess spectrum.
An open house fills me with dread Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
angelicstar · 27/08/2012 12:10

morloth - Yes he does think they will be offended but I think being offended by being asked to stay in a hotel is quite unreasonable.

I think the fact he wants them to stay here is more because he is worried they will be offended rather than that he genuninely wants them in our house.

OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 27/08/2012 12:11

Personally I would love this if I were visiting family. I don't particularly like staying in other peoples houses.

However I suspect your inlaws are of a generation who will think you are being inhospitable and unwelcoming and don't particularly want them around.

CockyPants · 27/08/2012 12:13

YANBU. I wouldn't pay for the hotel either. In laws can choose to come or not. Or do not invite them. Your house your rules!

LadyBeagleEyes · 27/08/2012 12:13

What ages are your Ils Op?

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