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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it is perfect reasonable to ask in-laws to stay in a hotel over christmas

223 replies

angelicstar · 27/08/2012 10:44

We have a 3 bed house with 2 kids and me and DH so obviously all the bedrooms are taken. We are going to ask the in-laws down for 2 nights over xmas and I have suggested to DH that they stay in a hotel which we will pay for. The hotel is in a nice area 5 mins walk from our house and is a perfectly nice hotel so its not hardship for them.

I think it will be much easier this way as we won't have to shuffle around the rooms (me and DCs are not great sleepers anywayso changing rooms will not help) and it will also give me my own space away from the in-laws (we don't get on that well). Hosting Christmas is hard enough as it is without unwanted overnight guests! If I am less stressed then everyone will be less stressed and getting a break from being a hostess overnight will make things alot easier for me.

However DH seems to think this is a bit unreasonable though and feels that we should put them up as it is "the least we can do". I also suspect that the in-laws might not be too happy as when I have tried to encourage them to stay in a hotel before they have resisted - but I just don't see what the problem is.AIBU??

OP posts:
Morloth · 27/08/2012 11:15

Because they would interpret it (quite rightly in your case) as not being wanted.

Original poster
angelicstar · 27/08/2012 11:18

morloth but we do want them for the day and to share xmas with us - its just that we would rather have our own space overnight

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 27/08/2012 11:18

Can't you ask them what they think.

Say you have no problem re-jigging the DCs rooms so that they can have one but have wondered whether they'd be more comfy in the hotel, which you'd pay for?

albertswearengen · 27/08/2012 11:20

Why don't you ask them- or rather sell it to them. Tell them you worried about the chaos and them been woken up early. If they want to then that's great if they don't you just gonna have to suck it up. I sympathise - my inlaws come for Christmas, stay too long and are not into 'helping' so every cup of tea has to be made by me. They won't even stay in the granny flat above the garage which is much nicer than our spare room.

janey68 · 27/08/2012 11:21

So you want them there for the daytime! I'm rather getting the feeling now that if they turn round and say 'no thanks, we'd prefer to stay at home' you'll be pissed off and moaning that your kids aren't able to see grandparents on Christmas day!

Come on, be fair. Ask them what THEY would like to do.

Morloth · 27/08/2012 11:22

'We'? I thought you said that DH wanted to put them up?

You asked, I answered. If I said this to my family they would assume the were not wanted, so you run the risk of your family doing the same thing.

Why did you ask if you were so sure you were right?

NurseBernard · 27/08/2012 11:23

In theory, your suggestion is practical and sensible and nothing you can put your finger on wrong with it.

In practice, however... it's inhospitable and rude and just sends a very clear, implicit message that you don't particularly like your in-laws, couldn't possibly spend 24 straight hours with them, and in fact would rather pay not to have to do so.

If my husband was suggesting this I'd be really upset and as ludicrous and mountain-out-of-a-molehill as it might sound, would set a very clear tone for his relationship with my parents going forward - that he doesn't like them and doesn't want to spend time with them.

Dress it up as a practical, sensible solution as much as you like - the fact that you don't like your in-laws sings out loud and clear above everything else. You know it, your husband knows it, and if you go through with his, they will undoubtedly know it. If you're OK with that - and I suspect you are - then go right ahead, and damn everyone's feelings. :)

valiumredhead · 27/08/2012 11:24

It's for 2 nights not 2 weeks - how 'fresh' do you have to be? Confused Kids in one room and it's sorted. YABU.

shesariver · 27/08/2012 11:25

YABU. They may only be "the in laws" to you but they are your DHs parents. And I know you say you would do the same if it was your own parents but it sounds like you are incapable of realising he may feel differently from you. You ask why people would be hurt if asked to stay in a hotel - well for me it would be a clear message that I wasnt wanted in my own childs home, horrible. But clearly because you dont get this you have made up your own mind anyway!

I have hosted Christmas with children and in a small house, people get far too streesed at Christmas instead of taking things are they come and spending time with family - which is what it should be about anyway. Its all just an excuse because you dont want them staying.

janey68 · 27/08/2012 11:26

And Morloth has a good point there

OP- are you happy to hand things over entirely to your dh when it comes to inviting your parents to anything? Because if you're going to make a unilateral decision on this, then it seems entirely reasonable

Eastpoint · 27/08/2012 11:27

We put my mil up in a hotel for Christmas. She gets brought breakfast in bed etc and can get up when she likes. She spends as much time as she likes with us but also gets a holiday. She has two daughters with whom she doesn't spend Christmas. YANBU.

bakingaddict · 27/08/2012 11:27

Because Christmas is a time for families, seeing young children wake up on Christmas morning with huge smiles and excitement is what it's really all about, even if the reality is totally different and your're killing each other by 5pm. It's uncharitable of you to ask them over for Christmas and then expect them to stay in a hotel because you dont like them.

It seems like you want to absolve yourself of the guilt of not inviting them for Christmas by getting rid of them to the nearest hotel. If they have resisted other offers to stay in a hotel, sounds to me like they want to spend as much time as possible with their grandkids

CanoeSlalom · 27/08/2012 11:29

YABU.

You offer your best hospitality with what you've got. It's pretty unwelcoming to ask people to stay somewhere else TBH.

shesariver · 27/08/2012 11:29

And just because your parents were happy in a hotel and not offended and not your home doesnt mean the same for your DHs!

diddl · 27/08/2012 11:32

Why can´t you ask?

Or rather, why can´t your husband ask his own parents if they want to stay with you or would rather a hotel?

iggi777 · 27/08/2012 11:33

We have done this with parents on both sides. A lot of older people prefer a bit of quiet time and, in particular, their own bathroom.
If I had a guest bedroom with en-suite, that'd be a different story!

diddl · 27/08/2012 11:34

And if he wants them to stay-why isn´t that OK?

Why don´t you have your own space-can´t you disappear to your room if need be?

neverputasockinatoaster · 27/08/2012 11:36

OK, here's my take on this....

My ILs live a 4 hour drive from us. DH has 2 brothers and a sister, all in their 40s now. He ins the only one married and we have 2 children - my ILs only GC. They have a tiny 2 bed bungalow with a loft conversion. If we go and stay they put me and the 2 DCs in one weeny room and DH in the loft. It is HELL. So, we stay in a hotel down the road. That means we can leave!
However - I feel spectacularly unwelcome in the house.... I feel we are seen as an inconvenience - they love it when DH goes as it is 'how it should be' - the DCs and I supset the balance. They make no effort to make us feel able to stay - it wouldn't take much TBH - a pair of beds upstairs for us and a couple of blow up matresses in the little room BUT the little room is his DSis's and heaven forbid anything be moved (please note she has her own house in London!).

My mum, on the other hand, is willing to rearrange her whole house to accomodate us.
So, while them staying in a hotel might be best for you and they might actually prefer it too, it still sends the message that they are not welcome in your home and that they are regarded as an inconvenience for whom you are not prepared to make a small adjustment to your lives for 2 days.
BTW - our ILs don't even bother to offer to pay even though it costs us £150 to stay for a weekend so I think paying is the nice thing to do.

Trills · 27/08/2012 11:37

I would personally not mind staying in a hotel one jot.

But surely you can see that it might seem as if you are saying "you can come, but you are annoying so I don't want you around all the time"?

SoggySummer · 27/08/2012 11:39

I dont think you are being unreasonable at all! I would if you were expecting them to cover the cost of the hotel but you are not. Some would see this as a treat.

I dont get along too well with my ILs - after almost 20 years we rub along ok 99% of the time OK because we HAVE to but its a strain and an effort for both of us.

I really dont see how it can be unreasonable so close to your home. Its walkable - so wine over Xmas dinner wont have to be with held by anyone. everyone gets a good night sleep and some space.

Why oh why - someone please expalin to me does it have to be all or nothing with families and in-laws?? I just dont get why anyone wants to be squeezed into a small space under pressure (few people dont get stressed- even a teensy little bit hosting xmas) with little or limited personal space when there is a perfectly good alternative right on the doorstep.

We have done the shoehorning relatives into our home at Xmas and its shit - and thats with the relatived me and DH love and get on with - trying to do Father Xmas filling stockings etc with 2 kids sleeping on ready beds on your own bedroom floor, let alone limited hiding present space as the relatives end up sleeping in the kids bedrooms - so the kids to a certain degree are in and out of there as well. Its doable and OK - but not my idea of fun. It might be OK if you are 2 plus bathroomed large house but in your average 3 bed semi I dont see it as much fun at all.

I would book the hotel - perhaps add a treat to their room as well - like flowere, champagne or even a small wrapped gift of nice smellies from yourseleves and sell it as a treat.

PenisVanLesbian · 27/08/2012 11:40

It's all about you. What does your husband think of you not letting his parents stay?

AndieMatrix · 27/08/2012 11:43

YANBU a full Christmas with my 3 (now ex) in-laws and our two young children in one house drove me insane. Don't know.
How I didn't commit a murder. (MIL destroyed my leftover meat which I was going to use for Bicing Day curry.lol.)

SoggySummer · 27/08/2012 11:45

And actually - thinking of this the other way around. I would love any of my relatives to pay for us to stay in a local hotel one night than be squeezed uncomfortably into their homes.

My BIL and SIL do a fab job of making us feel welcome but the DC have to sleep in the conservatory (the only space) and me and DH on a uncomfy bed settee in the lounge/diner. We cant get changed, unpack anything unless we use the only bathroom, cant go to bed before everyone else leaves the lounge and then we are woken by my lovely neices and nephews around 5 to 5.30am as they are so excited to have us staying.

Yep - gimme a paid hotel room over that any day please.

Margerykemp · 27/08/2012 11:45

If you don't think yabu then why are you asking?

On the surface yabu as it is rude to make guests feel unwelcome. BUT your posts do suggest that you may have good reason for not getting on with them. Why do they expect to be waited on? What is the 'hostess mask' and why do you need it around family? Do they criticise you? Why don't they help with the DCs?

Maybe some honesty is needed here. Could you or DH have a conversation with them explaining that as they are more of a hindrance than a help that for you to get a rest and enjoy Xmas it would be best for them to stay at the hotel but if they are willing to pull their weight then they are welcome to stay.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 27/08/2012 11:47

You haven't asked them to spend Christmas with you yet. You can be perfectly reasonable by inviting them to stay in a hotel at your expense but then hosting them at your home during they day.

If that's what the invitation is, there is no reason for them to be hurt unless they are particularly over sensitive, in which case, thats their problem.

It would be different if you'd invited them and then changed your mind and asked them to then stay in a hotel after theyd been iven the impression that they would be staying with you, but that's not what's happening becaue you haven't asked them at all yet.

If they don't like the idea of staying on a hotel and them coming to yours in the day, then they are free to decline your invitation.