Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist on abstinence until DH has a vasectomy?

473 replies

Peachesinthesummertime · 26/08/2012 18:57

We have 3 DCs, youngest is 2 months old, so frankly abstinence is quite easy to insist on at the moment but I assume that will change at some point in the future.

In the past I've used the pill for contraception but no longer want to because of increased breast cancer risk and my family history. I've also used condoms a lot in the past but no longer want to rely on this as the sole method of contraception. I've experienced several incidents in the past of condoms splitting and I really, really don't want any more kids / to take any risks. (DC3 was unplanned...)

DH insists (and has always insisted) that he will not have a vasectomy under any circumstances. He won't really discuss this at all so he hasn't given any reasons for this, just a total flat refusal.

I feel really hacked off about this. I've been through the mill physically and emotionally with 3 pregnancies in 5 years. I don't want my body to be the one that has to suffer for contraception. I don't want to have implants or chemicals or the coil (I heard it can cause heavier periods). I'm fed up with my body being the one to suffer all the time. Why can DH not make the sacrifice for once? I know a vasectomy is not fun but surely it's a walk in the park compared to the discomfort and pain of pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding?

So we're at a standstill. He won't change his mind. Neither will I. Any suggestions on how to resolve?

OP posts:
Hopeforever · 26/08/2012 19:01

I quite understand your desire for abstinence and would feel the same, but it won't make for a happy marriage when you need to pull together for not only your sake and that of your kids.

Have you tried writing down how you feel and what it means to you and ask him to reply by letter why he is so opposed.

There was a similar thread a while back and I was amazed at how people felt it was wrong to force a man to have a vasectomy. But you already know condoms are not 100% safe, so you have a good argument for the snip

Good luck

McHappyPants2012 · 26/08/2012 19:02

Would you be prepared to have a sterilisation yourself, because apart from no sex there is no other way around it

lunar1 · 26/08/2012 19:03

I don't blame you. I think it's his turn now.

Original poster
Peachesinthesummertime · 26/08/2012 19:06

No I would not be prepared to be sterilised!! Why the hell should I? My body has been through enough already.

I have explained my reasoning to DH in a calm, rational way and I really do think he is the one being utterly unreasonable.

I can live without sex I guess.

OP posts:
Kayano · 26/08/2012 19:06

I don't understand people who insist on other people having surgery

He has been clear enough IMO

BoneyBackJefferson · 26/08/2012 19:09

Hopeforever
"I was amazed at how people felt it was wrong to force a man to have a vasectomy."

Hmm
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 26/08/2012 19:09

YANBU

My DH is going to have a vasectomy once we are 100% sure that our family is complete (we are 99% sure). He knows it is his turn, I have not had to suggest it to him.

Kayano · 26/08/2012 19:09

And I also don't understand competitive misery and pain as in 'well childbirth hurt a lot more than this will'

So? He doesn't want to.

Explain rationally all you want, at the end of the day ultimatums in a marriage end in shit marriages

Hth

ZhenThereWereTwo · 26/08/2012 19:09

You can't force him into it and yes you can insist on abstinence but your relationship may suffer if you use it as a bargaining tool.

Abstinence is the only 100% effective method of birth control, even vasectomies and tubal occlusions are not foolproof although they are more effective than implants, injections, coils and condoms.

You could consider tubal occlusion or fallopian implants see here. It is more risky for you than a vasectomy is for him. And yes I know it is about you suffering again as you put it, but if you really do not want any more children and he will not budge then it is an option.

lunar1 · 26/08/2012 19:10

Why should the woman make all the sacrifices for the family?

Original poster
Peachesinthesummertime · 26/08/2012 19:10

Thank you lunar1. I think it is his turn but how do I make him see it?

What really got my goat was when he said "oh well, if a condom splits, you can just take the morning after pill." Oh great - another horrible experience for me to go through!

OP posts:
BlackberryIce · 26/08/2012 19:10

Welcome to the world of lone parents!

( this is where you will end up)

Or

Go to the doctor. 'I heard' the coil makes periods heavier is a load if teasels! You cannot force someone to have surgery

LindyHemming · 26/08/2012 19:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlackberryIce · 26/08/2012 19:11

Teasels!!? Meant 'twaddle'!

HmmThinkingAboutIt · 26/08/2012 19:12

I think you are wrong to demand he has a vasectomy. Its his body and his risks. If he demanded you were sterilised or had children that wouldn't be acceptable, so its not the other way round - regardless of whether you have put your body through having children. Ultimately you choice to have children; he didn't have the option of it.

You shouldn't be holding a gun to his head about it, in any way. He has to make the decision of his own free will without being bullied into it. The most you can do, is present your case without being pushy and leave it up to him.

Oh the other hand if you are unhappy using other methods of contraception, then thats completely fair too. You shouldn't do it, if you are not happy to do so. He shouldn't be moaning or complaining about lack of sex though. He needs to respect that decision.

So I think you are just going to have to stick to the status quo tbh. There is no way forward without one of you making unreasonable demands on the other. You'll both just have to satisfy yourselves in other ways or change your mind in time.

elspethmcgillicuddy · 26/08/2012 19:12

If the reason you don't want a coil is heavier periods then maybe that is your solution. Mirena coils are actually a treatment for heavy periods. Most women have very light periods if any at all. I've got on really well with mine. Worth a think?

Kayano · 26/08/2012 19:14

Can you imagine if a man told a woman to have an abortion or to get herself sterilied...

The outcry would be unreal

'woman's body woman's choice'

Why do so many women therefore think they have the right to dictate what a man does with their body?

It's actually ridiculous IMO

3ismylot · 26/08/2012 19:14

Why is it ok for you to state that you will absolutely not consider being sterilised but are outraged that your DH wont have a vasectomy?

He has every right to refuse to have surgery, just as you have every right to refuse to have sex with him, but doing that is very likely to lead to you being divorced (which I suppose would at least solve the contraception problem for you!)

You are the one that obviously feels the strongest about never being pregnant again which means you are the one who needs to take responsibility for a suitable type of contraception.

Sterilisation is nothing compared to an unwanted pregnancy or feeling rough due to hormones.
I was sterilised last monday and it was so simple, I needed no pain relief after the op and it only took one day to recover! Infact on the wednesday I was decorating the kids bedrooms!

If a man is WILLING to have a vasectomy then by all means let him have one but he should not be pushed into surgery because YOU think he should!

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 26/08/2012 19:15

YANBU to insist on abstinence if you don't want to use contraception. But you cannot insist on someone else being sterilised. It's his body, his decision imo. Just as it's your body, and your decision about how many pregnancies you will allow etc.

Original poster
Peachesinthesummertime · 26/08/2012 19:15

Well, we are both pretty stubborn people. I refused to change my surname when we married and he won't wear a wedding ring. But we get on great mostly - he's a brilliant dad and to me he's still the interesting person I've ever met. He's totally faithful - no worries on that score.

Am quite shocked several of you think I should get sterilised. But I suppose you're all being more practical than me right now.

OP posts:
PomBearWithAnOFRS · 26/08/2012 19:15

Is he perhaps a bit wary frightened of the actual procedure? The thought of a sharp scalpel near his precious tackle could be very offputting...
It's just that when my DH had a vasectomy, the GP referred him to a walk in clinic here in town. It was a month or so to wait, then the appointment only took half an hour once he went in. They do it with a laser or something similar (they did explain but I'd not long since had our fifth baby and frankly didn't care Grin ) and there was no cutting/scalpels/knives/stitches involved. He had a teeny scratch on each side of his scrotum, about a quarter inch long, if that, and walked out unaided and drove home. He only had two days off work and the second one was because he knew his colleagues were waiting to smirk and take the piss Confused rather than being in pain or anything. It really is very straightforward now, and easier than having a tooth out was. It's not really an "operation" at all. Maybe if you found out about this process and told your DH, he might at least then consider it a bit more seriously. especially when he's been abstained for a few weeks

RevDebeezWoodall · 26/08/2012 19:15

YABU.

To give a no sex ultimatum is childish. Withholding love and affection from a partner to get your way is emotional abuse.

lunar1 · 26/08/2012 19:16

I really don't understand why every one thinks it's fine for him to refuse but then to list everything she should do. The op had 3 pregnancies 3 labours and fed 3 children, and now she should have more surgery, chemicals or accidental pregnancies. All that before she has to go through the bloody menopause! But no of course he shouldn't have to have a 10 minute procedureAngry

lunar1 · 26/08/2012 19:18

Rev, do you think she should have sex against her will then?

BIWI · 26/08/2012 19:18

Have you told him that you are not prepared to have sex unless he gets a vasectomy? I realise this will sound like an ultimatum, but it's also a reality for you.

We were in a similar situation - I was on the pill but it was causing me all kinds of problems (high blood pressure, constant thrush), and I just didn't trust any other contraception. All 3 of my pregnancies were conceived with only one shag, so I knew that we were highly fertile. I didn't want to be sterilised as it is a more invasive/serious surgical procedure than a vasectomy is, plus I am very allergic to anaesthetic.

On this basis, DH agreed to get a vasectomy. We didn't have to go down the route of what would happen if we didn't though!

I would imagine he is probably frightened about it, and also he may feel somehow that it is emasculating. But if he realises that you are serious about the no sex otherwise, perhaps that might make him at least talk to you about why he is refusing.