To insist on abstinence until DH has a vasectomy?

[Peachesinthesummertime]

We have 3 DCs, youngest is 2 months old, so frankly abstinence is quite easy to insist on at the moment but I assume that will change at some point in the future.

In the past I've used the pill for contraception but no longer want to because of increased breast cancer risk and my family history. I've also used condoms a lot in the past but no longer want to rely on this as the sole method of contraception. I've experienced several incidents in the past of condoms splitting and I really, really don't want any more kids / to take any risks. (DC3 was unplanned...)

DH insists (and has always insisted) that he will not have a vasectomy under any circumstances. He won't really discuss this at all so he hasn't given any reasons for this, just a total flat refusal.

I feel really hacked off about this. I've been through the mill physically and emotionally with 3 pregnancies in 5 years. I don't want my body to be the one that has to suffer for contraception. I don't want to have implants or chemicals or the coil (I heard it can cause heavier periods). I'm fed up with my body being the one to suffer all the time. Why can DH not make the sacrifice for once? I know a vasectomy is not fun but surely it's a walk in the park compared to the discomfort and pain of pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding?

So we're at a standstill. He won't change his mind. Neither will I. Any suggestions on how to resolve?

You could tell him that although the snip is considered a minor procedure you might consider undergoing sterilisation but he should be aware it is a bigger operation for a woman and therefore you may be resting and recuperating for quite some time so he will need to take time off work to look after all 3 children on his own while you sit with your feet up resting!

I think you sound perfectly reasonable OP. Pregnancy sucks, and yes, PPs are right, your DH couldn't have done them for you, however, he could do this for you.

And I also think abstinence is a perfectly acceptable form of contraception in the interim.

But it won't be a case of your DH not having a shag for a while, will it?

If you really won't be having penetrative sex until he has a vasectomy and he doesn't have one, it could be years and years until you're completely sure that you won't get pg depending on your age.

ethelb

That isn't what the Assange case is about - it was about a condom being a condition under which the women consented. The OP is equally at liberty to say that a vasectomy is a condition of consent as those women were to make condom use a condition of consent. That doesnt mean that she can insist that he has a vasectomy though.

Abstinence is also a highly ineffective form of contraception as people don't have birth control on hand when they aren't in such an abstemious frame of mind.

DesperatelySeekingPomBears Sun 26-Aug-12 20:01:51
And I also think abstinence is a perfectly acceptable form of contraception in the interim.

How about:
masturbation, O, A if that's your sort of thing?
Fairly limited conception chances there, I would have thought.

OneMoreChap There are still risks of pregnancy with all of those things. The OP does not want any more children. Abstinence is a complete foolproof method.

We have been through the same situation OP. I had had enough of being the one to be responsible for contraception or using condoms. I suggested vasectomy. "no way!" was the response. A gentle chat, and a few weeks later he came round, and he is post op as we speak :)

No pain what so ever.

YANBU.

Coconuts - hurray! You have given me hope!

I agree with what edith said.

Desperatelyseekingpombears: how is there a risk of pregnancy from oral sex?

DesperatelySeekingPomBears Sun 26-Aug-12 20:09:41
Abstinence is a complete foolproof method.

Certainly more so than sterilisation, I grant you.

Why do people think that a man getting penetrative sex is more important than her risking another pregnancy? Why is penetrative sex so important? I'd say her DH is being emotionally abusive by insisting that he retain his right to penetrative sex with her without being prepared to even discuss contraceptive options, including a vasectomy.

As I said earlier, there are plenty of other satisfying ways to achieve orgasm, why do so few people see stopping penetrative sex as an unreasonable compromise? It's not about blackmail or ultimatums, it's a perfectly valid choice. If her DH doesn't see it that way, well, he may wish to end the marriage, but if my DH saw his orgasm as more important than my health and well-being, I'd want to end the marriage too.

sorry, reasonable compromise, not unreasonable

AnnieLobeseder Sun 26-Aug-12 20:22:34
Why do people think that a man getting penetrative sex is more important than her risking another pregnancy?

Missed the fact it was OP talking about abstinence not about not having penetrative sex?

Later she talked about just penetrative sex. And most posters have suggested various methods of contraception she could use, rather than suggesting that she revise abstinence to sex without penetration.

Why not just use condoms? - they are v reliable.

I like the idea of a discussion at the family planning clinic about ALL the options. A frank discussion needs to take place here, he's allowed to refuse the op but should be able to articulate why. However, if you can't agree on a form of contraception then realistically no sex is the only option.

Failing that perhaps couples therapy would be an option.

Just to clarify, and my fault for being unclear, but I meant abstaining from penetrative sex, not abstaining from all intimacy. However, with my current post-birth, non-existent libido, it's pretty much irrelevant anyway.

For those of you saying its a relatively minor surgery, why doesn't he just do it?

Yes the surgery itself is minor - but this was taken from BUPA's website: "Around one in every seven men who have a vasectomy develop long-term pain in their testicles."

Sounds really joyful doesn't it? Especially when you're effectively being bullied into it

bunnybing Sun 26-Aug-12 20:33:16
Why not just use condoms? - they are v reliable.

OP said in first post I've also used condoms a lot in the past but no longer want to rely on this as the sole method of contraception. I've experienced several incidents in the past of condoms splitting and I really, really don't want any more kids

I must add though, if a man weighs up all the risks and is happy to

Feckin phone!

... and is happy to proceed, then good for him. But it shouldn't be a case of "get the snip or you're never coming near me again" (pardon the pun)

I'm going to suggest the joint appointment at family planning clinic - that's a v g suggestion. Then at least we can both be fully informed and have a (hopefully) sensible discussion about it.

Good on ya peaches.