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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist on abstinence until DH has a vasectomy?

473 replies

Peachesinthesummertime · 26/08/2012 18:57

We have 3 DCs, youngest is 2 months old, so frankly abstinence is quite easy to insist on at the moment but I assume that will change at some point in the future.

In the past I've used the pill for contraception but no longer want to because of increased breast cancer risk and my family history. I've also used condoms a lot in the past but no longer want to rely on this as the sole method of contraception. I've experienced several incidents in the past of condoms splitting and I really, really don't want any more kids / to take any risks. (DC3 was unplanned...)

DH insists (and has always insisted) that he will not have a vasectomy under any circumstances. He won't really discuss this at all so he hasn't given any reasons for this, just a total flat refusal.

I feel really hacked off about this. I've been through the mill physically and emotionally with 3 pregnancies in 5 years. I don't want my body to be the one that has to suffer for contraception. I don't want to have implants or chemicals or the coil (I heard it can cause heavier periods). I'm fed up with my body being the one to suffer all the time. Why can DH not make the sacrifice for once? I know a vasectomy is not fun but surely it's a walk in the park compared to the discomfort and pain of pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding?

So we're at a standstill. He won't change his mind. Neither will I. Any suggestions on how to resolve?

OP posts:
Moominsarescary · 28/08/2012 11:15

Not wanting an operation does not make you a bad person.

I don't want any more children, I don't want to be sterilised either. It would be much easier for me to be sterilised, I can have it done during my next elcs, but I won't. Does that mean I'm selfish as dp doesn't want to risk contraception failure ?

BoneyBackJefferson · 28/08/2012 11:16

the semantics of the post was not clear and led us to 425 ish posts.
But that is a whole other thread Grin

NurseBernard · 28/08/2012 11:20

I don't understand the question - if your DP doesn't want to risk contraception failure, what is he doing about the situation?

NurseBernard · 28/08/2012 11:23

The semantics of the OP's OP are perfectly clear.

Re-read it. I just have. I challenge anyone to re-read her post and honestly tell me that it should once again be up to her here. That her wishes should be secondary.

Olympicnmix · 28/08/2012 11:25

Neither I or exH considered sterilisation as the last resort but the first after completing our family. All other alternatives posed a higher risk of pregnancy or impact to health or effect on libido.

Quite a number of couple friends/colleagues in a similar position have also opted for sterilisation. The men I've spoken to (all in their 40s now, but youngest who had it done was 31 at the time) said they didn't want any more children and the operation was easier for them for their dw, and a couple did also say something along the lines of "after all she took care of the contraception for years."

Moominsarescary · 28/08/2012 11:26

The op doesn't want to risk contraception failure, what is she doing about the situation?

Other than abstaining to try and force him into an operation he doesn't want

NurseBernard · 28/08/2012 11:27

They sound like nice men, Olympic.

BoneyBackJefferson · 28/08/2012 11:28

The DP has always been quite clear.
"DH insists (and has always insisted) that he will not have a vasectomy under any circumstances."
Why should his wishes be secondary?

NurseBernard · 28/08/2012 11:35

What is she doing about the situation?

Not much - she's knackered looking after an unplanned 2-month old...

But again, God-forbid her DH should let it worry his pretty little head for more than a split second.

And why should his wishes be secondary? For all the reasons already littered through this ridiculously long thread. Hmm She has done way more than her fair share. Why should hers be?

This is actually boring now. I'm more firmly entrenched in my view than ever, and I'm guessing the people that think this is all the woman's problem are more entrenched in theirs than ever.

Moominsarescary · 28/08/2012 11:37

So why is it ok for the op to worry about contraception failure, not want to be sterilised but her dh is not nice for refusing and should just suck it up and have it done.

Yet my dp is worried and you ask what he is doing about the situation. Shouldn't I just suck it up and have it done especially as I can have it during the csection, even though I don't want too.

bogeyface · 28/08/2012 11:38

This really pisses me off. He is happy for the OP to put her life on the line 3 times to have his children, and that is what we do when we have babies, women do still die from childbirth FFS and thats not including the major surgery that is a CS. He is happy for her to have the side effects of the MAP, happy for her to have hormones coursing through her or have bits of plastic stuck inside her, happy for her to basically do ANYTHING aslong as he doesnt have to do the one thing that would make life easier for them both.

A minor ten minute prodecdure on his bollocks V all that? The OP is NBU at all imo.

Moominsarescary · 28/08/2012 11:40

I think its both their problem, noone has the right to tell someone else what they should do with their body

NurseBernard · 28/08/2012 11:49

"So why is it ok for the op to worry about contraception failure, not want to be sterilised but her dh is not nice for refusing and should just suck it up and have it done."

Are you seriously asking this...? Hmm

Because she risks 9 months of pregnancy, childbirth and another child. She has already gone through that three times. He has hasn't. Of course - he can't; but he can do this.

He shouldn't just suck it up and have it done. But neither should he just point-blank refuse.

Moominsarescary · 28/08/2012 12:02

Through choice, none of us have to risk pg and child birth. Noone forced her and giving birth doesn't mean that your oh should have to go through surgery even though he has allways stated that under no circumstances will he have a vasectomy.

NurseBernard · 28/08/2012 12:06

No... It doesn't.

Let her sort it out, deal with the repercussions. Far easier on him all round, really.

I'm signing off. It's 11PM here and I'm knackered. Wishing all in Stepford a good day. Wink

bogeyface · 28/08/2012 12:08

Just as he has the right to say no to the vasectomy, she has the right to say no to sex. He is being selfish, thats all there is to it.

bogeyface · 28/08/2012 12:17

And the OP was in the position of having to either give birth or have a terminatiion against her will as she didnt plan on getting pg. Why is that ok?

Abstinence is the only sure fire way of not getting pg so she is perfectly right to do that if he refuses to countenance the second most effective form of birth control.

For those saying she should be sterilised, the rate for failure in vasectomy is about 1 in 2000, for female sterilisation it is 1 in 200. Its a no brainer!

unobtanium · 28/08/2012 12:20

He is being quite selfish...

and, whether or not it seems like emotional blackmail, OP will be much less keen on sex whilst she remains afraid of another pregnancy and resentful of her partner's attitude. So she will be "abstaining" quite a bit, not necessarily as a calculated way of applying pressure but just because that's what happens when people are tired/worried/annoyed.

However, I am on the coil and I have never felt better. Periods are much much lighter and I so wish I had done it ten years earlier. It is a simple procedure to be fitted and it has been so worth it for me.

I do hope you can sort this out, OP

BoneyBackJefferson · 28/08/2012 12:39

bogeyface
"And the OP was in the position of having to either give birth or have a terminatiion against her will as she didnt plan on getting pg. Why is that ok?"

Sex is a known to cause pregnancy (its a risk) she could have said no
She could have had a termination. she said no
she had options for the birth, she decided
She has always had the option of saying no to sex.

She has had choices all the way through this.
If the DP had forced her to have sex that would be wrong
If the DP had forced her to have an abortion that would be wrong
If the DP had forced her to have the Baby that would have been wrong

The DP has said all along that he won't have a vasectomy, he is saying "No"
Her body her choice. His body his choice

As I said upthread

abstinence is fine as long as it is not used to forced the DP in to having a vasectomy.

bogeyface · 28/08/2012 12:47

But she WAS forced to either have the baby or have a termination. It was one or the other!

She has been told she WBU to abstain from sex unless he has a vastectomy, and then told that the only way to not get pg is not have sex. She cant get it right for getting it wrong!

It comes down to the fact that SHE has to deal with contraception failure, SHE has to make the hard choices and go through the consequences. It really isnt too much to ask that he does this, and the fact that he wont even discuss it is appalling selfish.

bogeyface · 28/08/2012 12:48

Oh and as for "SHe could have had a termination, she said no" have a Biscuit

Cos its just that easy isnt it?! Hmm

BoneyBackJefferson · 28/08/2012 12:53

bogeyface
"But she WAS forced to either have the baby or have a termination. It was one or the other"

A consequence PIV is pregnancy, the risks where known

"She has been told she WBU to abstain from sex unless he has a vastectomy, and then told that the only way to not get pg is not have sex."

Yes and the thread has moved on.

"Oh and as for "SHe could have had a termination, she said no" have a Biscuit"
Thanks but I've already eaten the point is that she had choices.

"Cos its just that easy isnt it?!"

Didn't say it was easy. I said it was her choice.

BoneyBackJefferson · 28/08/2012 12:55

"It comes down to the fact that SHE has to deal with contraception failure, SHE has to make the hard choices and go through the consequences."

they are her choices.

"It really isnt too much to ask that he does this, and the fact that he wont even discuss it is appalling selfish."

He has always said that he wouldn't, she knew this.

Iamsparklyknickers · 28/08/2012 13:33

Would you consider combining a double barrier method (condoms + diaphragm) with working out your ovulation cycle to avoid your fertile times? I do sympathise with not wanting to take hormonal contraceptives.

my take on the man taking responsibility for his contraceptive choices is the same as my take on a woman's, I don't think either has the right to dictate to the other what they should be doing. Personally I would feel very resentful been pushed into a corner to to what my partner thought best. His attitude to the op taking the map is very similar (IMO) to her thinking on him getting a vasectomy.

Men have very few choices (three to be exact) when it comes to contraception, condoms, abstinence, and vasectomy - that's it. For it to be true choice their rejection of any of those options has to be treated as valid. The important thing is to find a compromise that works within your relationship. Clearly none of the available options at the moment fit either of you 100% so a compromise needs to be found that doesn't lead to a breakdown in your relationship or a loss of respect/trust between either of you.

It's a perfectly valid stance to not want to have your testicles operated on just as it's perfectly valid to not want to become pregnant, maybe it can be resolved with eduction and addressing concerns, maybe it can't, but to truely resolve it there has to be a compromise found. It's not a point scoring exercise and I believe it's unhelpful to treat it as one.

Margerykemp · 28/08/2012 13:58

I'd second that: condoms + diaphragm + ovulation kits/rhythm method

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