To insist on abstinence until DH has a vasectomy?

[Peachesinthesummertime]

We have 3 DCs, youngest is 2 months old, so frankly abstinence is quite easy to insist on at the moment but I assume that will change at some point in the future.

In the past I've used the pill for contraception but no longer want to because of increased breast cancer risk and my family history. I've also used condoms a lot in the past but no longer want to rely on this as the sole method of contraception. I've experienced several incidents in the past of condoms splitting and I really, really don't want any more kids / to take any risks. (DC3 was unplanned...)

DH insists (and has always insisted) that he will not have a vasectomy under any circumstances. He won't really discuss this at all so he hasn't given any reasons for this, just a total flat refusal.

I feel really hacked off about this. I've been through the mill physically and emotionally with 3 pregnancies in 5 years. I don't want my body to be the one that has to suffer for contraception. I don't want to have implants or chemicals or the coil (I heard it can cause heavier periods). I'm fed up with my body being the one to suffer all the time. Why can DH not make the sacrifice for once? I know a vasectomy is not fun but surely it's a walk in the park compared to the discomfort and pain of pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding?

So we're at a standstill. He won't change his mind. Neither will I. Any suggestions on how to resolve?

She needs to say, that she doesn't want to withhold sex, and say what they CAN do instead as there isn't an alternative given they both feel happy with. And stressing its not what she wants really either but its the best compromise available.

Its then not being spiteful or withholding. Its about the reality of the situation but it needs to be explained by talking. Saying whats ok, and you are happy with rather than holding a gun to the head. Stressing the positives rather the negatives of the situation in respecting each other.

A vasectomy is also far more effective than sterilisation. If you are looking for a 'female' solution, the mirena is much more effective than sterilisation.

lunar1

"The op had 3 pregnancies 3 labours and fed 3 children"

I doubt that the OP was forced to do any of these.

*with

Bloody phone

We had to make a final decision as it wasn't safe for my to become pregnant again. DH wouldn't entertain anything but him having a vasectomy.

You have done your bit. It is his turn. The snip or no sex. A vasectomy is a much simpler operation than sterilisation in a woman. It can be done at the GP surgery and he would be home the same day.

Neither of you want to be pushed into doing something you don't want to do but he hasn't even come up with a reason why. Is he being all protective of little willy or is he thinking he might want more kids should your marriage end. He can't just say no. He has to say why.
IMO.

You can't have everything in life. Consequence free penetrative sex is not the way we are made. Somebody had to step up here, and I agree it should be the one who has had it easiest so far. Teamwork surely

Has he even looked into a vasectomy? I know a few man who've had it done and they all say it wasn't bad at all, very quick and they were in/out in a few hours then back to work. He might just be imagining it to be a whole lot worse than it is.

If it were me I'd ask him to at least make an appointment with the doc just to discuss what it entails and get realistic information.

op: "AIBU To insist on abstinence until DH has a vasectomy?
OP: "No I would not be prepared to be sterilised!! "

Easy.

YABU.

Well you can withhold sex if you want, but be prepared for an unhappy marriage. And that's not just because of the lack of sex, it's the ultimatum that will damage things.

And gosh if you are exerting any force or insistence on him that he must have surgery, YABmassivelyU. He does not have to have surgery. He has made it clear that he doesn't want it. That's the end of story really.

For those dicusing whether withholding sex is EA

As the title of the post is written it would be EA.

why don't you both book an appointment at a family planning clinic or your gp to go and talk about suitable contraception and find out more about different methods of contraception.

Then armed with the facts make an informed choice together as what would suit you as a couple

Am surprised how many people think you can only have 'love and affection' if you let somebody put their penis into your vagina!

I don't think YABU to suggest penetration-free sex and being very careful with any ejaculate (e.g. condoms for oral or manual stimulation). It IS afterall the most natural way to avoid pregnancy.

He doesn't want more kids either. So I knOw that's not the reason for not wanting the snip. Just quite hard to get him to talk about things / open up when he doesn't want to...

I think you're entitled to make it clear that contraception is now his problem. Let him use condoms.

Op and her husband wanted Bio kids -she was forced in a manner of speaking to get pg etc.
she and her husband want penetrative sex, somebody will be forced, in a manner of speaking to use some kind of contraception they are not happy with.
Ithink its his turn to grit his teeth and get onwitb it, at this stage.
Of course she can't force.but he can't force her either.

I completely understand where you're coming from with regards to the you did the whole pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding etc thing- it's shitty for some people, and obviously this is what you have experienced. And I know you feel like your husband should step up and do his bit, but you can't force him to have the surgery.

I can understand why you would use abstinence as a 100% guarantee of not falling pregnant, but I'm sure your DH wouldn't see it in this light and would regard it as a punishment however much you explained to him why you felt this was the best option.

FWIW, I would have been disappointed if my DH hadn't had/been willing to have a vasectomy as I have difficulties with hormonal implants/pills/coils due to a chronic health problem and I had horrible debilitating pregnancies but I would have sought out where this treatment was available and paid if a referral through the NHS wasn't forthcoming. If you and your DH talk and the outcome is still abstinence and your both happy with that, then it's fine but there's nothing you can do if he is really opposed to surgery.

Hope it works out OP.

God forbid a man should have to have anything sharp near hs 'bits'
It's fine for women to ave a GA and sharp things slicing into their bits though.
My husband had it done.
He was fine.
It is a minor procedure.

Most men will instinctively say no.
It is not coercion to point out the alternatives to a vasectomy.
Lack of sex might well be one of them. Fear of pregnancy doesn't make for a good sex life.

I know 12 blokes that have had the snip.

4: problem free and the worst bit was waiting for the all clear
5: considerable discomfort afterwards - to the level of difficulty walk and sitting.
3: really bad problems with severe bruising, swollen testicles and in one case having to have the scrotum reopened under general.

It's not major surgery compared to a hysterectomy; less invasive than a laparoscopic clip.

It's still unwanted surgery.

Sure, refuse penetrative sex. Abstinence, why?

YABU to demand someone else has surgery they don't want.

Do you think your marriage can survive without shagging?

OP has said she does not find condoms acceptable.

DH does not find ending his fertility acceptable, and no one of either sex should be forced into sterilisation.

So OP does seem to have ruled out everything except abstinence.

It is entirely predictable that the risk becomes that DH will find that an unacceptable change to the marriage. OP needs to acknowledge that risk, and consider what she can do to mitigate it.

Thank you, OhDoAdmit. Appreciate your words.

Am still reeling from the suggestion that I am guilty of emotional abuse by not wanting to have penetrative sex until we find a safe solution. IMO, you don't HAVE to have sex. His bits won't fall off and he won't have a nervous breakdown just because he doesn't get a shag for a while.

I like the idea of you both going to family planning. After my coil went missing and had to have a scan to see if it was still there. I think it was that which changed dh mind about it.

I would of been sterilised if the drs took me seriously

Peachesinthesummertime Sun 26-Aug-12 19:55:38
Am still reeling from the suggestion that I am guilty of emotional abuse by not wanting to have penetrative sex

Not having penetrative sex is the same as abstinence is it?
If not, that's not what you said.

YA still BU

I think that sounds reasonable! If you can go through the ordeal of pregnancy and childbirth, surely he can have a relatively minor operation. Can he read up on it - I'm sure some men must have written accounts of what it is like. My dad had it done when my sister and I were quite young, and my DH has promised to have one when we're finished having children; in fact he says the post-partum period is probably the ideal time as it will be abstinence-only anyway. Only you are capable of giving birth, but only he is the one able to have a minor procedure (less invasive than sterilisation).

This is interesting following the assange stuff. It's interesting that a woman can insist on one male controlled form of contraception but not another. Yes the ops dp should have control over his body but short if a vet very good reason (allergy to local anaesthetic) he is being a git.