Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist on abstinence until DH has a vasectomy?

473 replies

Peachesinthesummertime · 26/08/2012 18:57

We have 3 DCs, youngest is 2 months old, so frankly abstinence is quite easy to insist on at the moment but I assume that will change at some point in the future.

In the past I've used the pill for contraception but no longer want to because of increased breast cancer risk and my family history. I've also used condoms a lot in the past but no longer want to rely on this as the sole method of contraception. I've experienced several incidents in the past of condoms splitting and I really, really don't want any more kids / to take any risks. (DC3 was unplanned...)

DH insists (and has always insisted) that he will not have a vasectomy under any circumstances. He won't really discuss this at all so he hasn't given any reasons for this, just a total flat refusal.

I feel really hacked off about this. I've been through the mill physically and emotionally with 3 pregnancies in 5 years. I don't want my body to be the one that has to suffer for contraception. I don't want to have implants or chemicals or the coil (I heard it can cause heavier periods). I'm fed up with my body being the one to suffer all the time. Why can DH not make the sacrifice for once? I know a vasectomy is not fun but surely it's a walk in the park compared to the discomfort and pain of pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding?

So we're at a standstill. He won't change his mind. Neither will I. Any suggestions on how to resolve?

OP posts:
Kayano · 26/08/2012 20:49

But she is the one who won't compromise

He has said no to one thing - vasectomy

She has said no to:
Condoms
Coils
Pills
Injections
Implants
Sterilisation.

She has given him one option or no intimacy, yet she is the one so intent on not having more babies. If you don't want them sort it out yourself. Then your body can have a massive rest and your mind won't be in such conflict and your marriage wot be at risk.

Zhx3 · 26/08/2012 20:50

I can empathize with you OP. We are in a similar situation - 3 dcs in 5 years and neither of us wants a 4th. I took the pill for 9 years before we started our family. After dc3 I asked dh if he would have a vasectomy, to which he refused. Tbh I don't think he's even thought about it seriously. I told him that it was his turn to be responsible for contraception and we used condoms for a while. We might as well have been abstinent, think we only did it 2 or 3 times in 12 months. Condoms are a bit of a passion killer.

I've ended up on the mirena, and only just stopped bleeding after 4 months. I've put about 1.5kg on and not getting on brilliantly with it, although people who are on it have told me to persevere. I'd be lying if I denied feeling resentful about having to take responsibility (and put more hormones in my body) again.

Although I'm passionately pro-choice, i don't think I could terminate if I got pregnant by accident. This is why the thought of a 4th terrifies me. I'm already knackered, my career has taken a beating and is only just getting back on track. I love my family now, and we would cope no matter what, but a fourth child is not what I would choose.

When I went on the mirena we stopped using the condoms. Your post has made me think it's time to reinstate them.

Hope it works out happily for you, op.

TalHotBrunette · 26/08/2012 20:56

As you say, you have just been through the mill with an unplanned pregnancy and aren't prepared to go through it again. Perfectly understandable and he is being very selfish not to even discuss it with you.

WorraLiberty · 26/08/2012 20:58

Totally agree with Kayano

All this "I've had the pregnancies, births and breastfeeding etc" is just bloody silly.

Of course you've had all that...you're the woman in the relationship aren't you?

If you think your marriage can survive without penetrative sex, then abstain.

But don't bring the pregnancies/births into it because that just makes you sound silly imo.

Whatmeworry · 26/08/2012 21:01

Reverse the sexes in this one and see where you get to :o

"My DH wants me to have surgery I don't want, because he doesn't want to use condoms, and says he won't shag me unless I do what he wants".

I'd guess it'd be 5 seconds before the first "leave the bastards" rolled in :o

WorraLiberty · 26/08/2012 21:02

5 seconds?

MN would be in meltdown Grin

GhostShip · 26/08/2012 21:05

Agree with kayano and worra

Find it highly Hmm that you expect him to get sterilised, to the point of sex ultimatums but wouldn't be prepard to get sterilised yourself. In fact you were shocked at the suggestion.

You've got so many options but you're not willing to do any except the one that your husband clearly doesn't want.

Goofus · 26/08/2012 21:09

I think it's perfectly valid for the OP to point out the things her body has been through in order for her and her partner to have the family they both wanted. It doesn't matter that her partner physically couldn't do those things. He can have this vasectomy but is refusing.

Relationships are all about give and take. My DH is about to have his vasectomy in a few weeks. No, he is not massively looking forward to the procedure but as a considerate husband he accepts that my body has been through enough and it's his turn to take some of the responsibility for our contraception/ sex life.

Give the OP bloody break.

24Hours · 26/08/2012 21:10

Good God. How are you expected not to bring I child beating and who does it into a discussion on contraception and who does it some of you cannot bear the thought that a MSN may suffer anything ever, if there's a woman about who could prevent it, even at greater cost to herself ..

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 26/08/2012 21:10

You cannot reverse the sexes for this one
Men do not get pregnant
A vasectomy does not carry anywhere near the risks of female sterilisation
There are only two firms of contraception where the onus is on the male
Condoms and vasectomy

This isn't about a woman stamping her foot for a new frock fgs.

Can we just reexamine the fact that the op's oh has given NO reason for the refusal.

Yet the op is the unreasonable one? Really?

OneMoreChap · 26/08/2012 21:11

Kayano Sun 26-Aug-12 20:49:07
She has given him one option or no intimacy,

to be fair, she's backtracked on "no intimacy" and said "no penetration" which is very different.

She's also had problems with condoms.

24Hours · 26/08/2012 21:12

Fucking hell this phone
Lol. Its child BEARING. And men, not MSN. Sorry bout that folks

HmmThinkingAboutIt · 26/08/2012 21:13

Yet the op is the unreasonable one? Really?

Sorry MrsDV but she is unreasonable if she is demanding her DH has surgery yes.

The heart of consent lies with it being freely given, not given with conditions and ultimatums or coercion.

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 26/08/2012 21:13

YANBU

and I don't see how you're 'forcing' him to have a vasectomy. You are entirely within your rights to refuse sex if you are concerned about pregnancy, he is entitled to refuse a vasectomy, I can see the two view points don't mix but that doesn't mean you should have to back down

It will be great for you both to get some advice but don't be bullied into anything you are uncomfortable with. The mirina coil is an option and many find it great but for the time I had mine it it ruined my life! I know that sounds overly dramatic but it made me so depressed and miserable, I was a different person overnight when I had it removed

Good luck, I hope you can sort something out your are both happy with

Whatmeworry · 26/08/2012 21:14

You cannot reverse the sexes for this one

Course you can, it just highlights the standard MN hypocrisy which is here in spades, which is why you don't like it.

WorraLiberty · 26/08/2012 21:17

Of course you can reverse it.

If a man witheld sex from his wife until she gave in and did what he wanted, he'd be called a controlling bastard.

NovackNGood · 26/08/2012 21:19

You are very unreasonable to expect him to have a vasectomy. If you do not want children then that is your choice and for you to do something about. Not him. You cannot expect another person to have to go through surgery and especially if it is not something you are prepared to do yourself.

As for abstinence, I could not see that working for too long in younger couple for a healthy relationship so don't be surprised if after a while your husband realises what a good decision he made not getting a vasectomy when he has left and is starting a new family with someone else.

24Hours · 26/08/2012 21:21

Wmw nonsense.OP has already done a lot for the sake if the family now its the other partners turn. That reversal would work, mo?

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 26/08/2012 21:21

OP

If YOU don; want any more children YOU take control and get sterilised. YOU cannot dictate what someone else does with their body. Keep with holding intimacy, don't be surprised if he leaves you.

OP YOU are manipulative if you insist he gets the snip.

Zhx3 · 26/08/2012 21:21

OP's dh doesn't want more children either.

Kayano · 26/08/2012 21:23

The key there is op did something she wanted to do too - ie have children and give birth

Only one person wants the vasectomy

So saying 'but I gave birth' is a bit Hmm

Huge amounts of people don't have unwanted babies by taking other precautions, it's just OP has made it clear that only one thing is acceptable

ParaOlympicpark · 26/08/2012 21:24

I totally agree with you. I really really do. I am fed up of all the stuff we go through and I have said the same to my husband, he replied that he would be gutted if me and DDs were all killed. I said store some sperm then......
I have given in a little bit but am very cross about it. So IMO YANBU at all.
Oooohhhh it makes me cross just thinking about it.

HmmThinkingAboutIt · 26/08/2012 21:24

Agreed Whatmeworry.

You simply can not force, bully, use guilt trips, otherwise use coercive methods, ultimatums etc to make anyone do anything invasive to their bodies. Its unethical and a use of emotional or physical force. It undermines the principles of consent. The parallels are pretty clear to me.

Surgery is invasive. I challenge anyone to argue differently about that.

What the OP has done in the past is completely irrelevant. Whether she's had 3 kids and its wrecked her body or not. You can not use it as an argument to coerce her partner to do something invasive. Having children is not a bargaining tool. The argument is manipulative and loaded, whether you regard it as fair or not.

BoneyBackJefferson · 26/08/2012 21:25

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour

"It will be great for you both to get some advice but don't be bullied into anything you are uncomfortable with."

Can we tell the DP that as well?

Goofus · 26/08/2012 21:26

After reading this thread, I'm glad my DH is the considerate kind of man he is...

So despite the fact OP's DH doesn't want any more children it's OP and her body yet again having to shoulder the responsibility for this decision.

Swipe left for the next trending thread