To insist on abstinence until DH has a vasectomy?

[Peachesinthesummertime]

We have 3 DCs, youngest is 2 months old, so frankly abstinence is quite easy to insist on at the moment but I assume that will change at some point in the future.

In the past I've used the pill for contraception but no longer want to because of increased breast cancer risk and my family history. I've also used condoms a lot in the past but no longer want to rely on this as the sole method of contraception. I've experienced several incidents in the past of condoms splitting and I really, really don't want any more kids / to take any risks. (DC3 was unplanned...)

DH insists (and has always insisted) that he will not have a vasectomy under any circumstances. He won't really discuss this at all so he hasn't given any reasons for this, just a total flat refusal.

I feel really hacked off about this. I've been through the mill physically and emotionally with 3 pregnancies in 5 years. I don't want my body to be the one that has to suffer for contraception. I don't want to have implants or chemicals or the coil (I heard it can cause heavier periods). I'm fed up with my body being the one to suffer all the time. Why can DH not make the sacrifice for once? I know a vasectomy is not fun but surely it's a walk in the park compared to the discomfort and pain of pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding?

So we're at a standstill. He won't change his mind. Neither will I. Any suggestions on how to resolve?

YABU. It's his body, he has every right to refuse to undergo surgery.

His body his choice

Your just adding to the competitive misery camp. Op made the choice to have those babies and feed them etc just as much as he did so ra by like she was forced into it

He has a choice too, it's just not what op wants to here. And it would be forced

BTW, a vasectomy is an uncomfortable procedure. DH had it done yesterday and is in quite considerable pain at the moment. I don't blame any bloke who doesn't want to go through this.

Would you consider the Mirena coil, which can make periods lighter rather than heavier?

And why are you 'martyring' yourself with the old pregnancy/childbirth/breastdeedibg thing?? They are a natural enough process!

Yes and now the op made a decision to give her body a rest, her body her choice.

Elspeth - thanks for Mirena coil suggestion - I will look into that.

Rev - sorry, but am laughing at the suggestion that refusing to have intercourse is emotional abuse. That's ridiculous! I'm exclusively breastfeeding at the mo so have zero libido currently anyway.

To give a no sex ultimatum is childish. Withholding love and affection from a partner to get your way is emotional abuse.

But you don't have to have intercourse to show love and affection. As long as they do other stuff and no intercourse decision by her is respected there isn't a problem. She's allowed to say no to sex.

She doesn't have to do it Lunar1, but then neither should he. From what OP has said regarding them both being stubborn they're both at fault. One refuses to do something, the other then retaliates by refusing to do XYZ.

HmmThinkingAboutIt Of course any woman has the right to refuse sex. But to decide not to do it to spite someone is awful!

I can bet you £100 that a man who threatened to withhold sex from his wife until she got herself sterilised would be called emotionally abusive

To whoever said withholding love and affection is emotional abuse, she's just considered withhold ing sex, as a way to ensure she doesn't get pregnant again. A difference.
His body his choice, hers ditto.
a friend of nine had a similar stalemate OP, she is using the nuva ring. Like a diaphragm, no hormones. Was a solution for them.

It's not to spite him though. It's the only way to prevent getting pregnant without having an intervention she doesn't want

Blackberry - I had a 3rd degree tear with DC1, horrendous morning sickness with all 3, agonies getting breastfeeding established with all 3, etc, etc. I'm not trying to be a martyr. It was all worth it because I have 3 wonderful kids. But I do feel it's my turn to give my body a bit of a rest now!

You cant play the "my body had to handle the pregnancies, feeding and contraception" card as its not like he had a choice to do it instead of you! As a man he simply cant do those things!
You CHOSE to have children (and yes I get that the 3rd pregnancy was an accident and I know how it feels as my 1st was too) but you know that sex can equal a pregnancy so you actually agree to that risk everytime you have sex!

But it's not to spite someone, is it? It's to prevent another unplanned pregnancy.

I think they need, at the very least, to talk about it - but her DH is even refusing to do this.

Yes YAB totally and utterly U.

I also have 3 DCs but would NEVER force my DH to have a vasectomy against his will or give a no sex ultimatum. It is his body so he gets final say on the procedure surely to god? I mean, how many people would be up in arms if it was reversed and he was demanding you get your tubes tied? Rightly, there would be outrage!

When I was labouring with DS3 and we were walking around the hospital corridors I kept whispering "snip, snip, snippedy, snip" nd we were giggling about it. We have stopped at 3 as well having previously stopped at two, but we just have to look at each other funny and I get preggers! and I have made an appointment with my local FPC to discuss long term options. Yes the coil can make periods heavier, but it can also make them lighter. My DH is VERY cagey about a vasectomy as he reckons sharp objects going there is not gonna be pleasant but has agreed that if the coil doesn't suit then he will go for it.

Pill doesn't work for me (DS1 conceived on it) and condoms aren't cutting the mustard either for us (DS3 conceived when using them ) so coil is only other option as had tried the implant but was a hormonal loon on it

Really the best thing to do IMO for you guys is to TALK.
To each other not at each other and calmly hash it out between ye with no accusations or blame from either side.

Hope you both work things out OP x

He is quite within his rights to refuse surgery, though I would agree that he is being unreasonable to do so. However, it is his body and his choice.

However, you are also quite within your rights to refuse to have penetrative sex with him any more. You don't need to resort to abstinence, there are plenty of other ways to give each other sexual satisfaction.

Whether the marriage could continue happily with either situation, I can't know. That is up to the two of you to work out.

So it's OK for him to get her pregnant a third time, a pregnancy that was unplanned, but for him not to accept HIS responsibility for family planning?

It's OK for him t get her pregnant. A fourth time, with all the associated risks (of course it's all natural, but doesn't mean it's easy or fun)

Its your right to decide whether to have sex or not, it is his right to decide whether he has a vasectomy or not.

Its a bit of a stalemate unless one of you can find another way forward.

I know I would rather have myself sterilised and put my own mind at rest than have a broken family tbh

Can he not use a condom like?

A vasectomy is not the same as a sterilisation. It is far less invasive and does not carry the same risks
If he doesn't have one isn't he forceing her into doing something she isn't happy with.

My OH's initial reaction was 'no way!'
It was a knee jerk reaction.
Me explaining the consequences was not forceing him or ea.
It was being clear about the consequences of his refusal.
I couldn't keep taking the pill, I didn't want to use invasive contraception.
He didn't want any more children or to use condoms.

I agree either everything Kayano said.

Yes, those who have suggested it's the fear of sharp things in a delicate area may well be bang on. Will try to talk to him again in a calm, non pushy way - just to discuss...

Btw, for the record, I am not and cannot force him to have a vasectomy. I am merely refusing to take any risks of getting pregnant or to put up with invasive contraception methods myself.