To insist on abstinence until DH has a vasectomy?

[Peachesinthesummertime]

We have 3 DCs, youngest is 2 months old, so frankly abstinence is quite easy to insist on at the moment but I assume that will change at some point in the future.

In the past I've used the pill for contraception but no longer want to because of increased breast cancer risk and my family history. I've also used condoms a lot in the past but no longer want to rely on this as the sole method of contraception. I've experienced several incidents in the past of condoms splitting and I really, really don't want any more kids / to take any risks. (DC3 was unplanned...)

DH insists (and has always insisted) that he will not have a vasectomy under any circumstances. He won't really discuss this at all so he hasn't given any reasons for this, just a total flat refusal.

I feel really hacked off about this. I've been through the mill physically and emotionally with 3 pregnancies in 5 years. I don't want my body to be the one that has to suffer for contraception. I don't want to have implants or chemicals or the coil (I heard it can cause heavier periods). I'm fed up with my body being the one to suffer all the time. Why can DH not make the sacrifice for once? I know a vasectomy is not fun but surely it's a walk in the park compared to the discomfort and pain of pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding?

So we're at a standstill. He won't change his mind. Neither will I. Any suggestions on how to resolve?

Ahem.

Leave the bastard.

Maybe the condoms + diaphragm + ovulation kits/rhythm method (dear lord that sounds GRIM) is no worse than the vasectomy...

My issue with it is that he has not explained his reasoning. Is he simply afraid? Would a talk to a GP help? Or is it a proper phobia? Or does he not want to rule out more kids? Or simply a refusal? A really good discussion needs to take place.

Oh I can't believe people are saying because she has 'risked her life' to give birth 3 times that he should be obliged to do it. Get a grip! You don't become a bloody martyr because you're a mother. No-one forced her to have a baby, or 3.
She's well within her rights to abstain, but not to use it to blackmail him into a vasectomy. Which is what I got from this thread.

And I simply can't believe 2 adults have had so many problems with condoms. It isn't rocket science.

And as she said he's always insisted he doesn't want one, so why are his feelings being pushed aside? You're all accepting tht SHE doesn't want to use the pill, SHE doesn't want to use condoms, SHE doesn't want to be sterilised. But won't accept he doesn't want the only option given forced onto him

She should look with open eyes at just sticking to the pill or implants etc.

He doesnt need to explain his reasoning to decline unwanted surgery ffs. 'I don't want to and never have and you knew that already' should be enough. She's the one now whinging about it

As for this 'I risked my life having a baby' whatevs

It's like questioning a woman over abortions or her contraception methods.

I don't think OP is BU. Within my circle a few men have had the snip as they felt their wives had done enough of the physical compromises and it was their turn. It's not an uncommon solution.

Ghostship - you have completely hit the nail on the head there!

To someone earlier on: yes, using two condoms at once does increase the risk of splitting. They rub against each other.

The OP specifically mentions breastfeeding, and she has a two month old. That restricts her hormonal options.

Doctors would prefer to only prescribe progesteron-only pills until baby is six months.

It also means that just taking MAP" is NOT a good option.

He doesn't have to explain his reason why he doesn't want surgery but it may give the OP an understanding. My DH was always adament he didn't want a vasectomy in the future, I am very limited to my contraception choices and GA don't agree with me so it was a future alternative I was keen on. Afterf many years I found it his DF had had one and he associated it with his DF's numerous affairs, having worked out the illogicalness of this he is now the one pushing to have one as soon as we decide our family is complete.

She doesn't have to use hormone contraception, there are other options

Right, I've ferreted out a leaflet called "contraceptive choices after your baby" that the NHS gave me.

It says that oestrogen-based contraceptives may reduce milk flow, and cites the combined pill and patch as examples.

The nuva ring contains oestrogen, so would also have that problem. Does the Mirena?

There was a thread only last week from a woman who had to go through quite an ordeal with her exclusively bf baby, after having to take the MAP. She was told she couldn't bf afterwards for so many hours. I think the baby refused a bottle for over 12 hours.

The OP has a history of breast cancer in her family, so is already wanting to avoid hormonal contraception, any way.

So now we're at, let's see, barrier contraception. That's diaphragm + spermicide, which isn't that effective. Condoms - repeated failures, including her DD. Femidoms?

Copper coil- could work out for her. Does have increased risk of ectopic pregnancy, though.

What else is there? It's a while since I've had to think about it.

Moomins people keep mentioning hormonal options over and over. It's worth pointing out the downsides again.

+You generally don't say 'I would like three kids and then for you to be sterilised'+

Maybe more women should say that before they find themselves in the OP's situation. I don't understand why they don't, to be honest, unless they are utterly, mind-numbingly desperate for children and are willing to put up with virtually anything to have them.

As far as I'm concerned, I'm not having any children until my husband asks me to (yes, asks), in which case I'll be asking him what he was going to bring to the table before (if) I say yes. I guess that covers contraception post-birth too. I realise that's not really "mainstream" but to me it makes perfect sense.

I agree completely with NurseBernard, too. These kinds of situations show people's true colours. I wouldn't force any major decisions upon anyone...but I'd be drawing my conclusions about their character.

PanickingIdiot Tue 28-Aug-12 20:05:28
As far as I'm concerned, I'm not having any children until my husband asks me to (yes, asks), in which case I'll be asking him what he was going to bring to the table before (if) I say yes.

2 posts today I want to [sic] Favorite.

I think that is so sensible. The partner who wants children, should ask how the other is going to support the family, how th kids will be raised and so on. No kids until mutual agreement.

YANBU in my opinion. I felt the same after my last hideous pregnancy made me lose my mind. My parents also made noises about them appreciating it if he'd have the snip, so they didn't have to see me go through another pregnancy. Any hormonal contraception worsens my chronic depression and I don't trust, or enjoy using, condoms. I told him either he got sterilised or I would, because I'd rather go through being sterilised than have to have an abortion. Despite him wanting more children, he did it immediately, and I think it was the least he could do for me after the misery I went through to bear his children. I hope your dp sees sense.

As far as I'm concerned, I'm not having any children until my husband asks me to (yes, asks), in which case I'll be asking him what he was going to bring to the table before (if) I say yes. I guess that covers contraception post-birth too. I realise that's not really "mainstream" but to me it makes perfect sense

I take it you would be OK were the reverse to be true, and his condition was "NFW am I getting the snip?"

As far as I'm concerned, I'm not having any children until my husband asks me to (yes, asks), in which case I'll be asking him what he was going to bring to the table before (if) I say yes. I guess that covers contraception post-birth too. I realise that's not really "mainstream" but to me it makes perfect sense

See you back here in 5 years when your biological clock is in overdrive and he still hasnt asked! I admire your ideals but you are dreaming if you think that this will actually happen as you imagine!

That plan has the potential to work really well, or not at all, depending on whom one marries.

For example, my husband did ask me, but other women on here have regaled MN with tales of the husbands who were utterly clueless about any possibility of a fertility drop before the menopause. They were thus planning to have children at 39-43. Potentially quite possible, but I think we'd all agree that timetabling babies for then might not work out as hoped.

I advocate discussion between a couple! Check that both parties are taking everything into consideration, from current finances, to preferred age gaps.

So you want him to ask you and then you want to quiz him about his intentions surly it would have been better if you both sat down together before you got married and discussed all that.

depending on whom one marries.

Kind of the point I was trying to make.

I don't insist on having children, they are not a necessity and particularly not with a partner who isn't pulling his weight. Which was kind of my other point.

None of this helps the OP now, I know, it was just my random musings.

Well, yes and no. I don't think being a good, decent fair human being, who pulls his/her weight has a perfect positive correlation with having read the Daily Mail's Femail section and its articles about career women needing IVF!