To insist on abstinence until DH has a vasectomy?

[Peachesinthesummertime]

We have 3 DCs, youngest is 2 months old, so frankly abstinence is quite easy to insist on at the moment but I assume that will change at some point in the future.

In the past I've used the pill for contraception but no longer want to because of increased breast cancer risk and my family history. I've also used condoms a lot in the past but no longer want to rely on this as the sole method of contraception. I've experienced several incidents in the past of condoms splitting and I really, really don't want any more kids / to take any risks. (DC3 was unplanned...)

DH insists (and has always insisted) that he will not have a vasectomy under any circumstances. He won't really discuss this at all so he hasn't given any reasons for this, just a total flat refusal.

I feel really hacked off about this. I've been through the mill physically and emotionally with 3 pregnancies in 5 years. I don't want my body to be the one that has to suffer for contraception. I don't want to have implants or chemicals or the coil (I heard it can cause heavier periods). I'm fed up with my body being the one to suffer all the time. Why can DH not make the sacrifice for once? I know a vasectomy is not fun but surely it's a walk in the park compared to the discomfort and pain of pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding?

So we're at a standstill. He won't change his mind. Neither will I. Any suggestions on how to resolve?

Tell you what if my dh decided to fuck off and start a new family elsewhere because he was willing to join in and take responsibility for a shared contraception choice, I'd be well rid.

A vasectomy is a short relatively risk free option compared with the options available to women. The pill? Hormone coil? Increased risk of cancer and if the OP has a strong fhx then even greater risk. Condoms and morning after pill? Sterilisation? GA and major surgery.

So yes. If the OP doesn't want more children she is well within her rights to refuse penetrative sex. It's not his God given right to expect that. I'd have more sympathy of he at least came out with some reasons. But just a flat no? Fuck to that.

Did the OP's Husband virtually force her to have 3 babies?

Did he tell her that if she didn't have them, he would force her to abstain from penetrative sex within their relationship?

If not then I assume the OP chose to have them of her own free will, and wasn't emotionally blackmailed into doing something she didn't want to, with her own body.

Sorry i think yabu. I would never ever want DP to have a vasectomy and i would never be sterilised. They are too final and unnecessary in my opinion when other alternatives are there. DP says he would have one after the babies but i really feel uncomfortable. What if i die and he wants children with someone else etc?

I also disagree with the 'race to the bottom' argument of 'i've had pain and discomfort so therefore you should too to make it fair'. I find it a bit immature tbh.

Personally coils are great for me.

He shouldn't have to give reasons, why the fuck should he justify a decision he makes about his own body

Do we make women justify why they have children or abortions? No

Why I don't like it?
Because I hate men?
Because I post lots of anti men stuff
Because I am a radfem?

Are you confusing me with someone else?

The oh has flare.y refused without giving any reason? This is ok is it? This is reasonable?

I dont wanna do it boo hoo.

So yes. If the OP doesn't want more children she is well within her rights to refuse penetrative sex. It's not his God given right to expect that.

What "rights" are these?

And are they mutual rights - ie does the other party then have equal rights to go and have penetrative sex with someone else then?

not the hormonal coil tho.

I think he should discuss his reasons with the OP

But then again he might feel unable to

Especially if he gets the whole "I had the babies" thing thrown in his face.

procrastinor Sun 26-Aug-12 21:26:03
A vasectomy is a short relatively risk free option compared with the options available to women.

Most, for sure. Less so than condoms or femidoms
Sterilisation? GA and major surgery.

laparoscopic isn't normally major surgery.

So yes. If the OP doesn't want more children she is well within her rights to refuse penetrative sex.

Of course she is; not just for not wanting more children, but for any reason.

It's not his God given right to expect that.

Did I miss where the OP's DH was insisting on penetrative sex? It was her talking about abstinence (well, after saying there was no sex on the cards at all for them at the moment because she had no libido).

Yes mrs dv that should be all he needs to say

So then you say 'well we need to sort other options'

Not 'well if you don't no sex'

So why should she justify not wanting to have sex with a fertile man?
It's her body she can do what she wants with it.
And being forced to carry an unwanted pregnancy is not the same as having a small procedure under a local.

To pretend its the same thing is ludicrous.

You are being manipulative if you use the children as part of the argument.

Fair does not come into it. Women have children. Men do not. Thats whats unfair. Its neither parties fault. So it shouldn't be used against either for any reason.

The oh has flare.y refused without giving any reason? This is ok is it? This is reasonable?

Reverse the sexes on that too, and you'd be the first saying a woman doesn't have to explain, its her body, her right etc etc.

OP, I have tried this. I haven't had sex for over three years and DH still hasn't made an appointment.

So, it may not actually work...

But she isn't being forced into an unwanted pregnancy, there are plenty of other options

Sorry, but if I was still with my ex, I wouldn't be the one getting sterilised next month!

I wanted HIM to have a vasectomy. He didn't want to, due to his irrational avoidance of ANYTHING medical.

Equally, I wasn't prepared to get pregnant again, and at the time, I was classed by my PCT as 'too young' to be sterilised, whereas ex was 7 years older, and wasn't.

Due to other meds, coil/mirena not effective for me, and hormonal contraception not effective AND gave me horrific side effects.

I just was NOT in the mood for sex when I was worrying about unwanted pregnancy. I told ex this (he wasn't ex then). I pointed out that due to everything, it was highly unlikely that I would feel like sex until either the NHS agreed to sterilise me, or he got a vasectomy.

He left after 4 months of abstinence. I am finally now, 15 months after he left, considered old enough (at 31, but I had to fight to be allowed, they don't like doing it for women under 34 here), to be sterilised, and my date is 2nd October.

I'll bet he tries to come back after the op. and I will tell him to fuck off. He wasn't prepared to wait until I was 'old enough' or won my fight with the NHS, he wasn't prepared to go for a day procedure that doesn't require a general anaesthetic, so like fuck am I letting the selfish cunt back!

Be warned, though, OP - abstinence, while your right as your only current method of preventing unwanted pregnancy, is unlikely to go down well or improve your relationship. You may find yourself single after a while. Which IMO is unfair.

Why the hell should it all be down to the woman? If the man isn't prepared to be sterilised after their family is complete, then IMO he has no right to get shirty when the woman won't have sex, as she is just using the one method of contraception that is 100% effective.

It's not an ultimatum, but a statement of fact, or at least it was in my case, that I was not prepared to risk pregnancy AT ALL by having sex with someone who hasn't had a vasectomy.

It's just as much the OP's right to refuse sex so as to prevent an unwanted pregnancy as it is the OP's DH's right to refuse to have a vasectomy. I would and did say the same as the OP.

As I am no longer with my ex, and have won my battle with the NHS, I will be getting sterilised in October to ensure that I won't fall pregnant again, with ANY partner.

So it could end up, OP, with you splitting up with your DH, then having to have the operation anyway if you still want to ensure that you don't want to fall pregnant.

I am studiously ignoring the 1/200 pregnancy after sterilisation rate that the Gynae Consultant told me about at the initial consultation three weeks ago...

I think he does have to have reasons or at least enter into a discussion. I don't know maybe I'm just thinking as to mine and dh relationship. If my husband were essentially forcing a (reproductive) lifelong decision onto me, I.e. you must take full and total responsibility for our contraception, I would want to know why he didn't want to share some of that responsibility.

I personally wouldn't use the pain of childbirth as a reason, as he couldn't shoulder that at all, but for contraception he could. The OP is just choosing an alternative contraception choice that is fool proof. That is entirely her right.

Oh FFS, the Op doesnt want any more children - here's a wild thing - take control of your own body and get sterilised.

Your body, your health.

Op It;s you who is manipulative and bullying by attempting to force a partner to have a medical procedure for your well being

Whatme you seem to have confused me with another poster.
Please stop telling me what i would be the first to do etc.
You haven't a clue.

1 second before dh op I asked him are you sure you want to go through this.

This could cause huge resentment in the future, a vasectomy carries risk as with all operations. I would black mail my husband to have it done. Not that I could I would miss sex to much

Would NOT

boney absolutely, while I don't think the op is being unreasonable I don't think her DP is either, and it would be totally unfair to try to force him to do something he didn't want to do

But I still think the op is not being unreasonable to refuse penetrative sex if she is worried about pregnancy, and I don't see how that is forcing him to do anything but consider the options

When the OP's DH finally submits to the blackmail and goes to the clinic and they ask "Why do you want this proceedure?" and he says "My DW is forcing me in to do it"

I doubt that they will go ahead with it.

There are loads of contraceptive options, they all don't suit everybody.in op's case the list had been whittled down to two. And the husband gets to pick. That's it really

And NO, your partner abstaining from sex for valid reasons (I just would and am unable to get turned on enough for sex as I am worrying too much about unwanted pregnancy), is NOT a green light to get sex from elsewhere. EVER. You finish that relationship FIRST before going elsewhere for sex. End of.