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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I shouldn't be persecuted for this

213 replies

uimo · 24/08/2012 19:19

Me and my brother went to the cinema on Wednesday night, after the showing I drove home whilst he walked home, he only lives a mile and a half away. On the way home he was attacked and mugged, he's ok but got punched in the stomach a couple of times and had his wallet and phone stolen. I didn't offer to give him a lift home and now I'm getting no end of abuse from the rest of my family, my sister in particulary who has texted me saying "couldn't even spare 5 mins to ensure your brother got home safe, some big sister you are" and she just phoned me and given me a 5 minute tirade about how I'm such a disgrace.

I admit it was 11ish and he is only 15 and I should have offered him a lift home and had I known what would have happened I would have. The thing is he didn't ask for one and although me and him go regularly it is normally during the day so he just walks back so I didn't think. I'm very sorry and annoyed with myself for not giving him one but I feel like I'm being treated like I was the one who mugged him.

OP posts:
FallenCaryatid · 25/08/2012 09:46

It's a 15 or 20 minute walk. I do worry about the amount of independence this boy is going to be permitted in the future.
OP, is it just your sister who is relentless about your guilt, and do you normally have an excellent relationship with her?

veryworriedme · 25/08/2012 09:49

Poor you op and sorry for your brother. You must be feeling horribly guilty in hindsight. I do not think you are responsible and nor do I think YABU . It was unlucky.

Nancy66 · 25/08/2012 09:51

I would blame you too.

solidgoldbrass · 25/08/2012 09:52

OP you are getting a very hard time for something that wasn't your fault. Unless your brother is little for his age, naive and a bully magnet, it's not unreasonable of you not to have thought of him as a fragile flower in need of a chauffeur.

As to the general advice given to people to avoid dark alleys if alone at night, I always considered that to be about mugger avoidance. Because it's only a very tiny minority of rapists who lurk opportunistically in dark alleys; rapists plan.

alreadytaken · 25/08/2012 10:02

Does he normally walk home alone from activities at that time of night? If so it's unreasonable to blame you as it could easily have happened when you aren't with him. I admit I'd be annoyed with you but I'd try to contain that annoyance.

freddiefrog · 25/08/2012 10:22

You were unreasonable not to offer a lift, not so much for safety, but I think it's really, really rude and selfish to go out with someone and then bugger off in your car and leave them to it, especially as it would have only added 5 minutes to your journey.

But it's not your fault he was mugged, it could have happened when he was out with his mates, on his way home from school, etc.

diddl · 25/08/2012 10:40

Well to go back to the OP-no, I don´t think that she should be persecuted.

It´s not her fault.

If the parents/sister are so concerned-why weren´t they there to collect him or making sure that he wouldn´t be walking home?

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 25/08/2012 10:44

Why weren't they there? Because they weren't out at the cinema with him, whereas the OP was!

chickenwingsmmmm · 25/08/2012 10:54

Fairly new here OMC. Didn't see that thread.

pigletmania · 25/08/2012 11:10

You probably don't need me to tell you this but yabu not to have offered your brother a lft late at night cnsudering he is only 15, you know that now, unfortunately you can't turn back time. It is unfair f your family to take it ut on you, I think that try are unreasonably channelling their anger onto you. Hopefully they will calm down in time

TheMonster · 25/08/2012 11:17

I thought you were not being unreasonable until you put his age and the time.

pigletmania · 25/08/2012 11:17

Nothing about apron strings and mollycoddeling, I would not have eft m 50 year old friend to walk home at 11 pm at night, it's courtsey

JazzAnnNonMouse · 25/08/2012 12:52

Yabu

limitedperiodonly · 25/08/2012 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

amybelle1990 · 25/08/2012 14:11

Sorry to hear about your brother- hope he recovers from it physically and mentally.

It really depends upon where you live :S I don't drive but I certainly wouldn't have asked for a lift to walk that far at that age because things like that just don't happen around here. If it was a big city or somewhere where that sort of thing happens, then YABU.

Don't let anyone make you feel bad though. It might be a lesson learnt the hard way but as long as you've learnt it then that should suffice.

pigletmania · 25/08/2012 14:23

Hindesight is a good thing, hopefully this incident has helped the op to be more thoughtful in the future and to think of others instead of number one. I don't drive but if I did if I was out with anyone, especially that time f night I would certainly give them a lift if no share a taxi

DontmindifIdo · 25/08/2012 14:35

I am surprised you didn't think to offer him a lift, even if you don't think that walking alone = possible attack, it was late and he'll have been tired, and it would'nt have put you out much.

OP - do you normally not offer lifts when you the other person is on foot and you're driving? (any time of day)

That's the bit a lot of people will be struggling with, it's 'bad form' to not offer someone else (anyone else you are out with, not just a child) a lift home if they are on foot and you are driving and would only add a couple of minutes to your drive. It's odd that you "didn't think" to show basic manners to the person you were out with, even more so as he is your little brother, a child you should have felt a responsibility towards (in most families), but whom ever you'd gone to the cinema with, basic manners would be to offer a lift.

differentnameforthis · 25/08/2012 14:54

Would you have let your 15yr old sister walk over a mile home at 11pm?

differentnameforthis · 25/08/2012 15:05

Part of me can´t help but think that at 15 he´s not OPs responsibility

He is 15, a minor. Therefore I would say that he was the op's responsibility that night.

OneMoreChap · 25/08/2012 15:11

differentnameforthis Sat 25-Aug-12 14:54:28
Would you have let your 15yr old sister walk over a mile home at 11pm?

Not to me, nor do I have a sister, but my daughter certainly walked home around that time - rather younger, in fact. She was 14 the first time she walked back from Manchester. I wasn't happy with her when she told me she'd cut through Whitworth Park, but why would I be irritated with anyone else?

chickenwingsmmmm · 25/08/2012 15:14

OMC was your dd with an adult? Did the adult not think how the child was getting home and /or offer a lift.
if your dd was with people her own age or refused a lift, fair enough.

clicketyclick66 · 25/08/2012 15:19

OP, I'm so sorry for what you're enduring and I hope your poor brother will be ok but TBH I'm amazed you did not bring him home.
If he were my brother, whatever age, I would have driven him home. 1 and a half miles is a long walk at night.

OneMoreChap · 25/08/2012 15:20

chickenwingsmmmm Sat 25-Aug-12 15:14:06
OMC was your dd with an adult? Did the adult not think how the child was getting home and /or offer a lift.

Allegedly staying at a friends house on that occasion.
Other times, wagged out to concerts, come back to Manchester from climbing with friends early - "decided not to bother anyone".
Other places walking back from campsites; doing night hikes with a mate.

As other people have said "Most muggings during the day; most rapes from someone you know; most paedophiles with the family group". You choose what you do, and how risk averse you are.

I've been asked "You never let your daughter go and stay with a family you didn't know?" yes, often. She was churchy; I wasn't. Her mum and I were divorced. She used that to her advantage to sometimes.

A 15 year old is pretty damn close to an adult, and needs to be able to make some decisions for themselves.

OneMoreChap · 25/08/2012 15:21

clicketyclick66 Sat 25-Aug-12 15:19:36
1 and a half miles is a long walk at night.

for certain values of long, perhaps. Like short.

more · 25/08/2012 15:34

You said yourself he regularly walks back himself. 1 1/2 mile is not that long a walk. It could have happened right outside his house. It could have been you being attacked in the car park as you were about to get in to your car. They have no right to blame you for the attackers' actions. You did not know they were going to attack him. I get that they are upset, but they need to challenge the anger to the rightful owners. Everbody's hindsight is 20/20.
And the thing is these people were out to hurt somebody that night, if you had driven your brother home that night, they very likely would have found someone else to attack (not that that helps your brother in the least bit).
You did not attack your brother. You did not hire/ask them to attack him. You do not wish to see him hurt, and you get no pleasure out of him having been attacked.