Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I shouldn't be persecuted for this

213 replies

uimo · 24/08/2012 19:19

Me and my brother went to the cinema on Wednesday night, after the showing I drove home whilst he walked home, he only lives a mile and a half away. On the way home he was attacked and mugged, he's ok but got punched in the stomach a couple of times and had his wallet and phone stolen. I didn't offer to give him a lift home and now I'm getting no end of abuse from the rest of my family, my sister in particulary who has texted me saying "couldn't even spare 5 mins to ensure your brother got home safe, some big sister you are" and she just phoned me and given me a 5 minute tirade about how I'm such a disgrace.

I admit it was 11ish and he is only 15 and I should have offered him a lift home and had I known what would have happened I would have. The thing is he didn't ask for one and although me and him go regularly it is normally during the day so he just walks back so I didn't think. I'm very sorry and annoyed with myself for not giving him one but I feel like I'm being treated like I was the one who mugged him.

OP posts:
olibeansmummy · 24/08/2012 22:32

Sorry but I'd be angry too.

maddening · 24/08/2012 22:32

so he gets to say not i

QuintessentialShadows · 24/08/2012 22:32

You are not responsible for his mugging. Be glad he was not stabbed or shot, or raped.

But, some big sister you are, letting a 15 year old walk home along so late. Shame on you.

I would also be pretty angry with you if you were my family!

poiun · 24/08/2012 22:34

LadyMargolotta- I did read that and although it wouldn't have been pleasant its not going to really harm him is it.

InkyBinky · 24/08/2012 22:39

I don't think it's unreasonable for a 15 year old to be out on his own at 11 at night, unles you lived in a particularly rough area.

ifancyashandy · 24/08/2012 22:43

chickenwings, the fact they were Head Teachers is relevant because they assessed risk towards teens all day every day. And they allowed me to walk then 10mins from then bus to home because they assessed the risk was minimal & the confidence gained was immense. Hope that clarifies.

griphook · 24/08/2012 22:45

People should be able to walk along the road without getting attacked

The arse that did this is to blame not you!

notsofrownieface · 24/08/2012 22:48

All I can say shoulda woulda coulda. You can not take this back. It is unfortunate, but it happened so all you can do is say in future that you will drive him home.

PS I hope they catch the scummers who did this.

EasilyBored · 24/08/2012 22:49

At 15 he should have had the common sense to ask for a lift, so while you were abit U to not offer or check how he was getting home, I dont think its fair to brand you as selfish or a bad sister.

Shouldnt his parents have asked him how he was planning on getting hom, before he left? If his plan was to get a lift, he should have asked. If his plan was to walk, and the parents were happy with that, whos fault would it be tgen?

GnomeDePlume · 24/08/2012 22:55

As you may have gathered, YWU. However, it was a mistake which I guess you will never, ever, make again.

My advice would be to apologise to your DB for not offering him a lift. That is all that you are guilty of.

As others have said, your family are angry because it was horrible and could have been very much worse.

Morloth · 24/08/2012 23:51

Not your fault he was mugged.

I would have given him a lift though. My little brother is 30 and I don't like him very much. Grin

I still wouldn't have driven off and left him to walk home alone when it was so easy for me to give him a lift.

picnicbasketcase · 24/08/2012 23:59

I don't think the OP deserves the flaming she's getting. Yes, it would have been preferable all round had she given him the lift home, but seeing as how she already has her family blaming her and is probably feeling awful about the whole thing, is it really useful to shout her down? She can't go back in time, and will hopefully learn from it. OP, I hope your brother is okay. It is horrible what has happened but it's not your fault.

Krumbum · 25/08/2012 01:30

It isn't your fault that this happened but why would you not give your brother a lift home let alone true fact he is 15 and it was 11 at night?
If I drove I would not dream of doing that. A mile and a half is not that close either.

Krumbum · 25/08/2012 01:31

the not true!

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 25/08/2012 01:48

Jesus usually I am all for coddling teenagers and think MN is a harsh, unforgiving, turf-em-out-at-18 wasteland.

Seriously? You all think it is ridiculous that a 15 YO might be able to walk a mile and a half at 11pm?

Yeah she probably should have offered and he certainly should have asked but holy hell not everywhere is such a total shithole that 15 year olds can't stroll 20 minutes home at night.

OP I would have offered but honestly I think I am too fearful and nervous about safety at night - and honestly I think your sister was absolutely horrible to blame you for this. I hope your brother feels better but what happened was absolutely not your fault.

ilovesooty · 25/08/2012 03:16

I'm glad one or two posters are saying the OP doesn't deserve the flaming she's got: I agree. And she did say in her initial post that she was very sorry. Her concern was the abuse she's got from her family and I think she's justified in being upset about that.

I'm very sorry and annoyed with myself for not giving him one but I feel like I'm being treated like I was the one who mugged him

AdoraBell · 25/08/2012 04:03

Sorry your brother got mugged, I hope he's okay.

I would have driven him home, even if he was 25 and not my brother, instead of 15. I think you should apologise to him, even though you didn't cause him to be mugged, that was the shit bag who attacked him, and see if there's anything you can do to help him. I can see why your other relatives are upset, but it seems to me they are overracting just a bit.

You could apologise to your parents, but other than that I'd say just put your hands up, say you made a mistake, you never thought it would end up as it has, let's move on.

TroublesomeEx · 25/08/2012 06:44

Well I would have driven him home, but then that is the 38 year old me speaking and not the 21 year old me. I suspect you might be considerably younger than this given that your brother is 15.

It's easy when you've got a lot of life experience behind you to know how you'd behave in a situation like this, but it isn't always that simple.

I'm not sure I would have offered if I was only a few years older. There was a time when 15 year olds seemed to me to be the most mature and capable individuals ever! Now, they are most very definitely children!

IME 15 year old lads think nothing of walking around at that time of night if they are out at that time of night. I also know that 15 year old boys are generally not afraid to ask for something they want; don't always accept help that is offered; and cannot be forced to do anything by their older sisters!

It's easy to make judgements against other people or yourself retrospectively. The 'correct' answer is always obvious - that's why they say hindsight is always 20/20.

Did your parents suggest you give him a lift home 'just in case'? No. To that end they are as cross with themselves as they are with you for not being able to prevent it happening themselves. That's uncomfortable for them. They can't lash out at the mugger, they can't blame their son for choosing that route/not asking for a lift, so that leaves only you.

It's a horrible experience for everyone, but it was not your fault, it was the fault of the person who mugged him.

DontForgetTheLightAlesLawrence · 25/08/2012 06:52

YANBU in thinking you shouldn't be "persecuted" for your brother being mugged - I hope he is ok.

I, for what it's worth, would always offer a lift to a companion I'd been out with, regardless of time of day, age or gender. But we are all different and I think you've had enough of a battering from your family and now here. I'm sure you feel shitty enough, and as others have said, it was not your fault that he was mugged.

FallenCaryatid · 25/08/2012 08:34

OP, him being mugged wasn't your fault and both of my children walked miles in the dark when they were 15 and still do now. I have offered lifts and been turned down, because the individual preferred to walk.
If you had offered and he'd preferred to walk, I wonder if you'd still be getting the level of stick from MN or your family? You love your brother and would not have wished him any harm, only the mugger is guilty.
Bad stuff happens, unless you both knew he was walking in a known dangerous area with a high crime rate, then what you both did seems very normal. The analogy with rape is valid IMO, he was mugged because he met a mugger.
One of the difficulties he might face now is a family who will be nervous about his safety and who subsequently refuse to allow him the normal freedoms he should have as a teenager, because they don't want anything worse to happen to him.

ohcluttergotme · 25/08/2012 08:39

Yabvu. And it sounds like your more concerned with how this is effecting you. Glad your not my big sister !

GhouliaYelps · 25/08/2012 08:42

It is absolutely the miggers fault that this dreadful thing happend to your brother.

But are you absolutely mad? to let a child walk a mile home at night whilst you drove off? Shock

GhouliaYelps · 25/08/2012 08:42

Mugger grr

Sunnydelight · 25/08/2012 08:44

I can't get past the fact that you allowed a 15yo to walk home alone while you drove, sorry. I would tear strips off my kids for this even if nothing happened.

FallenCaryatid · 25/08/2012 08:50

Why the constant focus on 'child'? You make the OP sound as if she'd abandoned an infant in the dark.
My DS at 15 was 5' 9", weighed 11 stone and looked like the sort of chap many of you would cross the road to avoid at night, He also walks at a huge speed.
Still possible that he might be mugged, still my darling little boy, but I think the focus on the OP's brother being a child is giving a very strong image of a helpless little boy.
I wonder how old the mugger was? Where I used to live the average age was 13 and the prime time for mugging was between 4-6pm.

Swipe left for the next trending thread