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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to exclude one child

394 replies

Ithinkitsjustme · 24/08/2012 10:29

My DD2 is going back to pre-school next week but all her close friends have gone to school this year so she'll have to start again. She's never had a birthday party but as she will be 4 in October I thought I would hire a fun bus and invite all the "step-up" kids (those who will be going to school with her) to a party in the half term. Last year 2 boys made her life miserable and she was terrified of both of them. They were always hitting her, taking her toys away, pushing her etc. One of them has now left but I don't want to invite the other one to her party (unless he has miraculously changed over the summer Break), WIBU to leave him out if things haven't changed? (I would be inviting ALL the others)

OP posts:
AlmostAHipster · 24/08/2012 10:31

It would be mean to exclude one child. How would you feel if it was your pfb?

FallenCaryatid · 24/08/2012 10:31

Invite them all, supervise carefully.

ExitPursuedByABear · 24/08/2012 10:32

Seems a bit unfair to leave one child out. I am presuming the parents will stay for the party, so perhaps an opportunity for the boy to be challenged on his behaviour if he has not improved at all.

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 24/08/2012 10:33

Life isn't fair. Poor behaviour has consequences. Why would you invite someone who makes your daughters life a living misery to her party?

threesocksmorgan · 24/08/2012 10:34

yanbu I would not invite a child my child was scared of

nokidshere · 24/08/2012 10:34

YABU you absolutely cannot leave out one child. If you dont want him then then just choose 10-12 children that she does want rather than everyone - if you have everyone you have to have him too.

Also you might find that if the two boys are now separated he might behave differently.

Debeez · 24/08/2012 10:37

YANBU.

My DS often gets left out as his behavior although not aggressive or nasty in any way is challenging. He gets over excited and sometimes this spoils things for other children. My DS isn't entitled to an invitation from another parent. I wouldn't be offended if DS wasn't invited. It's life. Sometimes it's harsh.

threesocksmorgan · 24/08/2012 10:38

why should another child be left out, just to make the scarey on feel better?

Original poster
Ithinkitsjustme · 24/08/2012 10:39

Debeez, thanks for the message, I really appreciate your honesty. Can I be cheeky and ask whether you would prefer that child was just left out, or that the parent spoke to you and explained why, or that he was invited with a chat asking that you supervised him carefully?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 24/08/2012 10:40

Did he just target your daughter or was he a general nightmare? And whichever he was, he won't see it as a consequence of his behaviour as it is too far removed from it. It also won't endear your daughter to him if he realises that he's been left out.

It's obviously going to be a very 'contained' party so it will be easy to keep an eye on him and also give you an opportunity to see how his parents deal with him if he's badly behaved.

I couldn't deliberately exclude one child.

blueemerald · 24/08/2012 10:41

I would also be reluctant to invite a child my 4 year old had been bullied by. I think you are being very fair to see if his behaviour has changed or will change now his friend has moved up.

If you wanted to leave him out because you thought he was weird or something that would be different but he has bullied your child. An older child or adult would never be expected to hang out with their bully so why should a 4 year old?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 24/08/2012 10:42

TBH if he had been terrorising my DS I wouldnt invite him....why should he have an invite?? Might teach him not to be such a terror.........bad actions have consequences and the sooner kids learn this the better.

I would exclude him and no I wouldnt feel bad about it.

Original poster
Ithinkitsjustme · 24/08/2012 10:43

NannyOgg - the two boys targeted any smaller girls and my DD was the smallest. As I said, I'm prepared for his behaviour to have changed (in which case he would be invited) but this is preparation in case it hasn't - so it shouldn't be too far removed from his behaviour for him to see it a consequence.

OP posts:
FallenCaryatid · 24/08/2012 10:44

OP, how will you feel if all the other parents at preschool think you are a mean and unpleasant person for excluding one child?
Or if the boy concerned has changed over the course of the summer and calmed down?
What is the problem with supervising everyone at the party?
What if one of the children whom you invite turns out to be an aggressive wild card and wrecks everything?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 24/08/2012 10:45

Invite the other child but ask that the parent stays and keeps a close eye on them.

Shinyshoes1 · 24/08/2012 10:47

Don't invite him there is no way on gods green earth I'd invite another child who has been terrorising mine.
What an awful situation for your child to be put in. I'm sure she'd be mortified seeing the boy there.
I'm afraid it's tough luck the boy is a bully he and his parents have to deal with consequences

zzzzz · 24/08/2012 10:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OTTMummA · 24/08/2012 10:50

Was this boys behaviour challenged in any way?
Is his mother aware of how he has affected your DD?
TBH i need more information, because it would be horrible to exclude him and only him if he was going through a phase or has been diagnosed with a behavioural problem.
If however he is just a bully and his parents have done nothing to rectify the situation then do not invite him.
Maybe if he stops being invited to things his parents will realise his behaviour needs to change.

blueemerald · 24/08/2012 10:51

If this boy is as badly behaved as the OP suggests I'm sure the other parents will understand why he hasn't been invited.

I think Outraged suggest a good potential compromise. If he is still bullying your daughter (or anyone else!) and his supervising adult does nothing I would ask them to leave.

I don't think the OP is objecting to over excitement or even isolated incidents of aggression that all young children have but the long term and repeated behaviour towards her daughter.

WinkyWinkola · 24/08/2012 10:53

The thing is, aren't bullies meant to be miserable themselves? Won't excluding him make him even more unhappy?

I would tackle this directly. Invite the boy. Call his parents and say there have been a few issues and whilst you are delighted to invite him - wouldn't dream of excluding a child because that's a bit like bullying itself, isn't it? - would they mind staying at the party to supervise.

Whilst he is at the party, why don't you involve him a bit? Ask him to help put the candles on your dd's cake before presenting it.

I don't know but the one time my ds was being bullied, we had the bully round for a play date and supper and it seemed to work out for the best.

juneau · 24/08/2012 10:55

It's your party, invite who you want to come. Someone who has terrorised your DD risks ruining her party. I'd have hated my mum to invite a kid who'd been mean to me. Why should his feelings trump your DD's?

Original poster
Ithinkitsjustme · 24/08/2012 10:55

OTTMummA - the pre-school were having a real battle with the two boys behaviour, obviously they can't give me any details but neither boy was considered as having any special needs (tbh, from seeing the parents in the playground waiting for them to go in I have been blaming bad parenting, as they just laugh when the boys pushed other kids over) but I know that somethings don't get diagnosed until a later age so I wouldn't completely rule it out.

OP posts:
MadgeHarvey · 24/08/2012 10:55

Can't imagine why you'd potentially ruin your child's party by inviting someone who'd made her utterly miserable in the past? Why would you do that?

Original poster
Ithinkitsjustme · 24/08/2012 10:56

I will be back later, but my DSil has just arrived so I'm off for a bit. Thanks for all the input

OP posts:
citylovernow · 24/08/2012 10:57

I can see why you wouldn't feel like inviting him, but if it were me, and I was having a "whole class" party, I would invite him. And at the party, you will have to make sure he listens to you and does as he's told. Like any child.

Or....has your dd specifically asked for a big party? If not, I would just tell her she can have 6/8/10 friends and ask her which children she wants to invite. Why make extra work for yourself?!