to want to exclude one child

[Ithinkitsjustme]

My DD2 is going back to pre-school next week but all her close friends have gone to school this year so she'll have to start again. She's never had a birthday party but as she will be 4 in October I thought I would hire a fun bus and invite all the "step-up" kids (those who will be going to school with her) to a party in the half term. Last year 2 boys made her life miserable and she was terrified of both of them. They were always hitting her, taking her toys away, pushing her etc. One of them has now left but I don't want to invite the other one to her party (unless he has miraculously changed over the summer Break), WIBU to leave him out if things haven't changed? (I would be inviting ALL the others)

ruby ds is 4 and he doesn't understand the consequence of personal space. Ok he doesn't hit etc and is more likely to be the one who Is hit. But he's very into topics, and doesn't understand why other kids dont understand what he does. He also quote films and books and facts into the everyday. I've witnessed a parent literally drag her child away from mine who was desperately trying to tell the mum all about star wars. she was so rude.

Op was talking about excluding one child.

I'm guessing the oysters who think this is ok are the ones who are like the mums who exclude my ds. It's so hurtful. How is he to learn these social skills if he's excluded?

Oysters?! Posters

Hi Ithinkitsjustme. I saw your post yesterday, sorry I didn't reply then. But as its still rumbling on felt I would. You are a very kind and considerate mum. I cannot believe all the posters that are telling you to invite this unpleasant boy. Ime children don't change their basic characters, yes they learn to hide the naster sides as we all do as adults, we learn tolerance and how to get along with people as children and teens quite frankly we wouldn't get along with, that's growing up. But honestly don't ask or worry about asking the bully. You are paying, its your daughters party, it really really doesn't matter. Next year they may or may not be in the sane class, and eventually boys and girls party separately. Start as you mean to go on, invite who your daughter likes, and don't worry at all. It will all pale into insignificance in a few years. But at the moment is very significant to you!

As you can tell i don't buy this "oh we must invite everyone xxxx" the sooner our children realise life is unfair and hard the better and hoi can't asking everyone. You ask who you want to your parties.

its difficult on a separate issue of children with sn , it would be unfair and upsetting to exclude on that basis, if the children get on and play , then great.

Good luck and stick to your gut instinct. I have encouraged my DC to turn down invites if they really don't get on with the a child , when they are four yo its up to you as a parent to pretend they can't go as you as already have a prior engagement, i would not personally sent my DD and leave them at a tormentors party.

BuntCadger My sons social skills sound on a par with yours. He's a lovely little boy, but his quirks don't make him popular. He also doesn't hit or bully and is usually the most likely victim. I agree with OP as the mother of someone who's child is the victim. Why would I invite someone who scared or bullied him to his party? He's got enough on his plate.

He often shouts out and can spoil things for other children with his excitement, if you can find find my previous posts you can see how awful I feel when I have to take him out of situations like this and how embarrassed I am that I've been the cause of scene at the birthday party of another child. We work so hard with him and to help him (see previous posts)

At his parties I let him run wild, it's his day. But when he is left out of other parties I can understand why. The Star Wars script recital rings true to us too. People are very rude sometimes, we've been asked to leave children's clubs before. But I can teach my DS how to deal with that, I cannot expect others to sacrifice special days for their DC for our benefit.

Read back, meant different not difficult , sorry

buntcadger I have parents who tell their children to ignore and turn away from my ds.

If they come over to talk to him the parents actually pull them back and tell them to leave him alone. he's been to two parties in his whole school life.

It hurts but i'm getting used to it and do you know what, he's bloody amazing and will grow up to be bloody amazing so bollocks to the lot of them.

BuntCadger, there is a difference imo between this particular party situation and most.

I've always gone for inclusive a parties - whole class (on one occasion two classes at once for dc joint party), or for the last one all the girls in dd's class as she wanted a princess party. I've invited children with EBD and those that dcs don't particularly get on with but there has been both the space and supervising adults to make it work.

However, 4 pertinent points here 1) OP's dd is genuinely frightened of this boy who has caused her physical harm and she is going to spend her time at her own birthday party anxious and on edge 2) The fun bus is a pretty small contained space so not so easy to get away from him 3) OP has said she will wait and see if this child's behaviour has improved any as she acknowledges children change so quickly at that age and 4) children are not always invited to every party, my dcs have on occasion been one of a few not invited although they are good kids, but if a child is violent to other children it follows they will be invited less often. But I think the key factors here are her child's feelings of fear and the party environment. If ever challenged the simple answer has to be "dd is frightened of him because he hurts her."

BuntCadger I am the mother of that child too. (DS1).

My DD goes to 2 different play settings, the one I am refering to in my OP is a standard pre-school, and not all the children attend every day (in fact very few children do 5 sessions) and no child attends every session. AA Wednesday morning session is aimed at all the children who will be moving up to school next September. I would like to invite all these children, but not all the children who attend the pre-school.

The second setting that my DD attends is for children with SN, of all descriptions (she has a speech delay) and there will also be several children at the party who have various SN. The boy I am talking about doesn't have any diagnosed SN although, as I have said I am aware that some condiions don't get diagnosed until later so I can't say categorically that that isn't the case - although no-one appears to suspect anything along those lines.

Op invite the 15 step up kids, not the boy tat makes your dd feel anxious and afraid, it is not a whole class party so he s not the only one not being invited. This bys beviour has consequences in that he will not be asked to parties because of his aggressive beaviour, Mabey ten his arents will wake up and address the situation. I see that the arents on here with chi,dren who have sn are seeing it as an attack on them, it's a totally different situation. The op dd is having children with sn at the party, just not a little boy who is unpleasant and nasty to her dd

'children don't change their basic characters'

I disagree with this entirely. I've known of a lot of children who grew up into sensible, very well behaved older children who were not so as younger ones.

However, it sounds as if the boy is behaving this way because his parents aren't addressing it and are actively encouraging it. I think it says a lot about them if they laugh at inappropriate behaviour tbh. Therefore, it's unfair to say that some children are 'just nasty'. They learn how to behave from their parents and if their parents set a poor example that's all they have to follow.

'children don't change their basic characters'

Luckily utter, utter rubbish! I know many adults who are sane sensible and pillars of the community, my mother says they were dreadfully behaved as DCs. Many are by their own admission! Lots of you with one perfectly behaved DC, who put it down to good parenting, may well end up with the second child being a rebel and being the one excluded from parties. It is very common.

"It is never OK to exclude one person only from a social event. Neither for adults nor for children"

Totally disagree with this. My attitude is even more hard line towards an agressive/bullying adult. If I worked with one there would no way in hell s/he would be invited to any party of mine, even if every other member of staff were. If a friend had an agressive/bullying DP I would make it clear that they were not invited to any parties I was holding (as well as trying to get them away from said DP of course). Same goes from friends of friends. This behaviour is not ok and it does not have to be put up with.

I guess that's for me, exotic, perhaps I should have put the boys nasty behaviour rather than nasty boy, showing my age and lack of correctness! I agree poor behaviour can sometimes be laid at the parents feet when they fail to correct their child, sometimes it is where despite our best intentions and guidance a child still demonstrates unacceptable behaviours, which cam be due to their age, understanding and perhaps a learning difficulty.
I also agree I rather sweepingly said children characters don't change, again I agree they can change from wild children to responsible pulses of society. I think I was meaning the basic natures of a person , those things can stay engrained, not just toy snatching at two.

I have had lovely ask all the girls parties and also had a parties restricted to numbers, I guess I don't see you should feel you have to ask all children, particularly in these circumstances

Pillars haha

As a general rule I think it's shocking to exclude just one child - supervision, supervision, supervision. But if your daughter has been individually targeted for bullying, as opposed to one child being a massive handful, then I'd think twice. I think the only solutions there are on the one hand not to invite that specific child, and on the other to ensure an adult member of your family who is good (plays well with them, but can be extremely firm) to "mark" that child throughout, in case his parents don't. It could be that he has brilliant parents who are struggling with a difficult child, or it could be that they are useless and he consequently has no boundaries. What I absolutely would not do would be to invite a kid who could not be independently supervised, and turn my child's party into a nightmare for them. If I hadn't a spare adult play partner then the child would not be asked.

I say that as someone whose kid is also 4 this term coming, and is having a joint birthday with another child so both families can afford to invite the whole class. I'm usually very opposed to excluding even difficult kids. But in this instance, it risks your child spending her own birthday party scared and watchful. Not on at all to place his feelings above hers.

Why perfectcstorm should the op invite a child that makes her dd petrified and afraid, does not matter if he is supervised, the mere presence f the child their might be enough to cause her great anxiety. Te well being and happiness of her dd is more important than a boy who makes her life miserable