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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to exclude one child

394 replies

Ithinkitsjustme · 24/08/2012 10:29

My DD2 is going back to pre-school next week but all her close friends have gone to school this year so she'll have to start again. She's never had a birthday party but as she will be 4 in October I thought I would hire a fun bus and invite all the "step-up" kids (those who will be going to school with her) to a party in the half term. Last year 2 boys made her life miserable and she was terrified of both of them. They were always hitting her, taking her toys away, pushing her etc. One of them has now left but I don't want to invite the other one to her party (unless he has miraculously changed over the summer Break), WIBU to leave him out if things haven't changed? (I would be inviting ALL the others)

OP posts:

ChristineDaae · 24/08/2012 13:43

More importantly ask your DD would she like to invite him? Its her party after all!

exoticfruits · 24/08/2012 13:43

Sometimes words fail me entirely!

amck5700 · 24/08/2012 13:43

I still think that actually how will they ever find out that the whole class has been invited and he hasn't?

It's not mant to be an education lesson for the child or anyone else or a point to be made. it's the little girls birthday party and her call who she wants there.

I people think I am hard for saying that then I don't really care :)

Morloth · 24/08/2012 13:44

Fucking hell, and I thought I held the 'Harsh Bitch' award on MN. You don't have to have aggressive kids to see that it is just plain mean to pick on a 4 year old when you are a grown up.

Not just mean, but more than a bit weird and creepy.

Debeez · 24/08/2012 13:45

Can I defend the OP who has popped out and will be back later? She has pointed out previously that the parents have shown no interest in stopping their child pushing others and just laughed it off. It's hard to laugh it off and when it's your child being pushed.

I've not been here long, but from what I know of MNetters most of us would go out of our way to help a child with additional behavioral needs or who's parents were making an effort to address bad behavior. (Example being FrankWippery, and thank you for your supportive comment to my earlier post.)

In the OP's situation where she wants to give her DD a lovely day and from what has been posted cannot expect the parents to offer her any support in keeping their child in check I don't think she is BU. I say that as the parent who's child has been excluded before because of behavioral issues.

exoticfruits · 24/08/2012 13:46

So his feelings will be hurt? Shouldn't be a little shit them should he.

It moved on too fast-the above is why words failed me.

There are 2 options

Invite her real friends-keep it small-much the best IMO.
Invite them all and be the dragon-make him behave-put someone in charge of him.

blisterpack · 24/08/2012 13:46

Fair enough nannyogg. But I don't think anyone wants to take on the responsibility of the child who terrorises the others. Especially not the host parent.

Morloth · 24/08/2012 13:47

So she shouldn't have a whole class party then, problem solved.

Thank fuck people don't do this here, madness.

JustSpiro · 24/08/2012 13:47

I disagree with the posters that are referring to him being excluded from the party as a 'punishment'. It is not a punishment - the OP is not in a position of responsibility for the child therefore it is not her place to punish him. She is however, responsible for her own child's happiness and wellbeing and if inviting this boy to her birthday party is going to be detrimental to that it is perfectly reasonable for her to not do so.

As for the suggestions that he should be invited and his parents should keep an eye on him - from what the OP has said this probably wouldn't help even if they did stay (and they may not), and why should she be distracted from enjoying her own daughter's special day in order to supervise him?

Also it's not just the party, it's the run up to it, which is potentially going to be spoiled by OP and her daughter worrying about whether or not this child will behave and how they will cope if her doesn't.

I didn't feel that great about not inviting the 2 girls to my DD's birthday party. I spent weeks beforehand trying to convince DD that it would be better to invite them and it wouldn't be a complete disaster, but she was adamant that it would ruin her day. In the end I buried my reservations and desire to be Mrs Nice Guy and put my daughter's feelings first.

amck5700 · 24/08/2012 13:47

or the 3rd option which is invite who she (the birthday girl) wants there and if he is the only one excluded then so be it.

FateLovesTheFearless · 24/08/2012 13:48

Yanbu. Your child doesn't like him, he was a horror to him. As someone said, life isn't fair. If it was my dd he would not get an invite.

ChristineDaae · 24/08/2012 13:49

I just don't get why the DD should be subjected to having someone she is terrified of at HER party. So it's ok for the DD to be upset but not the bully?

amck5700 · 24/08/2012 13:49

Morlth - why shouldn't she have who she wants if that is the whole class minus 1?

giveitago · 24/08/2012 13:49

To me, that's not the issue. The issue is whether the OP's DD - whose party it is - will be happy to have him around. You might not like to see a four year old child being labelled a bully or a thug, but if you are another four year old child who is being subjected to bullying, thuggish behaviour, it doesn't really matter what you call him, the effect is the same. You're showing consideration for the little boy's rights not to be labelled - well, the birthday girl has the right not to have her life made a misery.

How did it get to that point. If the op's kid is at an instituation - how is that other child a thug a bully etc - bloody hell - thought that's what's school in the early years are getting a grip on.

Gotta say some interesting characters in my son's class but never for a second thought they were thugs or a bully at that age.

WelshMaenad · 24/08/2012 13:49

I'm baffled that there are so many people who would prioritise the feelings of a random over the feelings of their own DC.

Read the OP again. We're nor talking about a single incident, OP's daughter is terrified of this kid. And you'd have OP breach her child's trust and bring this kid to her bloody birthday party, so his precious feelings aren't dented? What a crock of shit. I'm all for being nice, but my children come first in my eyes. Why should a 4 year old girl have to choose between having a big party complete with someone who terrorises her, or a smaller party? She shouldn't, is the answer. She's done bugger all wrong.

amck5700 · 24/08/2012 13:51

I agree Welsh. I can't think it would even have bothered me to analyse it or feel bad about it tbh.

Nanny0gg · 24/08/2012 13:52

ChristineDaae No he shouldn't be a 'little shit' (nice).

And at his age it's entirely within his control. Is it?

And Doneinagain it's people only thinking about their own DCs that cause some of these problems in the first place.

Morloth · 24/08/2012 13:52

You would really do that would you amck5700, you would invite every child in the class except one. Allow your child to chat about the party at school with all the other children, talk about the fun they were going to have and how special it all was, knowing that there is a 4 year old hearing all of this and getting the message that he isn't good enough? Really? And you can look yourself in eye? Wow.

I wouldn't invite him either. But I would drastically cut the numbers and ask my DS to show a bit of sensitivity to the fact that not everyone was invited. We have done this, it isn't hard to be a little bit kind without actually putting yourself out too much.

Morloth · 24/08/2012 13:54

She has done bugger all wrong and being 4 herself will continue to have done bugger all wrong.

Her Mum however is old enough to do wrong and this would be pretty bloody nasty and wrong and there is no way in hell my kid would go to such a party if they were invited and I found out this had been done. I wouldn't want my kid around people like that.

Mumsyblouse · 24/08/2012 13:55

If my child was 'terrified' of two boys in her preschool, I would have withdrawn her from preschool. The one time my daughter was properly bullied (i.e. by someone going out of their way to pick on her in particular and hurt her secretly), I was up the school the next morning. Either the OP is exaggerating the extent of the terrorising (are these just quite aggressive little 3 year olds like you might find in any preschool in the land) or there's something serious going on which relates to very poor handling in the school, and should have been dealt with way way before your three year old comes home and says she's terrified of the children in her preschool.

As I said, don't invite them. But don't then invite everyone else for a noisy all class party, there may well be other 3 year olds who you don't know about who also hit/push/get over excited/say silly things because that's what very small children are like.

This is why mainstream school is not the place for just turned 4 year olds, the structures and disciplining (talking of bullying) isn't appropriate whatsoever for very young children who in other countries would not be attending for at least another two years.

amck5700 · 24/08/2012 13:55

I absolutely would morloth because the reality is that they are 4, it's not going to be the main topic of conversation over the play doh. Thre will be loads of parties, some kids wont even know they are going until they rock up on the day and other kids wont even have it mentioned to them as the parents are doing something else with them that day - reality is that 29 out of 30 will be invited and about 20 will go and of those a dozen will even be aware in advance that there is a party.

Nanny0gg · 24/08/2012 13:56

Morloth - Quite.

FateLovesTheFearless · 24/08/2012 13:56

I would invite all children but him. Absolutely no reason at all why other children should miss out because of him. Thy haven't done anything wrong either. 4 year olds can and are mean to each other but not normal to the scale OP writes about in her post. Her daughter is terrified of him. Harsh lesson to learn at four but that's just tough isn't it?

blueemerald · 24/08/2012 13:57

Only a moron would fail to see the difference between SN and bullying behaviour. I don't think anyone on mumsnet would say that a child with SN or an indiscriminate problem with pushing etc should be excluded. The key point here for me is that the OP has said the boys chose children they saw as smaller and weaker than them to take out this aggressive behaviour on.

As for labelling. I work in education as this behaviour needs to be labelled in order for this little boy to get the help/support he needs. Sticking heads in the sand and assuming it will improve by magic will not help him. It will probably only get worse.

And if my child displayed the behaviour described (sustained targetted agressive behaviour) and had no SN etc you can bet they would not be going to any parties invited or not! And they would know why they weren't going.

Morloth · 24/08/2012 13:57

And lets hope next year it isn't the OP's daughter being excluded from the whole class party for behaving like a 4 year old does eh?

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