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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to exclude one child

394 replies

Ithinkitsjustme · 24/08/2012 10:29

My DD2 is going back to pre-school next week but all her close friends have gone to school this year so she'll have to start again. She's never had a birthday party but as she will be 4 in October I thought I would hire a fun bus and invite all the "step-up" kids (those who will be going to school with her) to a party in the half term. Last year 2 boys made her life miserable and she was terrified of both of them. They were always hitting her, taking her toys away, pushing her etc. One of them has now left but I don't want to invite the other one to her party (unless he has miraculously changed over the summer Break), WIBU to leave him out if things haven't changed? (I would be inviting ALL the others)

OP posts:
amck5700 · 24/08/2012 13:57

...however if the OPs daughter was the type to go in and gloat to the boy that has been excluded that she was having a party and he wasn't getting to go then I would not do it.

5madthings · 24/08/2012 13:58

god i am amazed by some the replies on here!

this little boy is three, possibly four years old and some of the behaviour will have taken place when he was two!!

if he has been mean to the op's dd for a whole year then the issue is with the pre-school staff who are obviously not supervising and dealing with it properly!

seriously you cannot invite a whole class and leave out ONE child, esp at this age, it just horrible. maybe his parents are awful, but is that a reason to further exclude the little boy?

as his 'sidekick' is on longer there it may be that his behaviour improves, he may have matured a bit over the holidays. they wont have seen each other for 6weeks and a LOT can change in that time, hell they could go back to pre-school and be friends, 3/4yr olds are like that!

either have a smaller party or have a whole party where you invite all but to exclude one little boy on the basis of behaviour that was at least 6wks ago and actually should have been dealt with at the time by the pre-school staff is just mean.

op did you actuall speak to the staff at the pre-school about this issue?

WelshMaenad · 24/08/2012 13:58

You really think it's "wrong" to allow a little girl to have the big party she wants without fear of being terrorised? Wow.

lisaro · 24/08/2012 14:00

I wouldn't sacrifice my child's happiness/trust/peace of mind, or ruin their birthday to make the point that I was being 'fair'.

Nanny0gg · 24/08/2012 14:00

blueemerald - of course it won't improve by magic. The school should be working with the parents to deal with it. The parents of the child, not the rest of them.

And you disciplining your child by excluding them for bad behaviour is entirely reasonable, because you would explain why.

Rockyolive · 24/08/2012 14:01

I think that the important point here is that you are not actually inviting the whole class and excluding one child as there will be a number of new children joining the class in September. If I've understood you correctly he will just be the only child not invited who was at the preschool with your daughter last year. I would have no problem not inviting a child in these circumstances.

Mumsyblouse · 24/08/2012 14:01

Morloth- I agree, plus they are only turning four now. They will still be three, with the odd four year old (all the four year olds will have gone to school). Last year, the year they were 'terrorising' this child, they were between 2 and 3 years old.

OP, perhaps you should worry more about your child returning to their everyday encounters with this boy, who will be there every single day in preschool rather than a one-off party. I wouldn't like my daughter to be terrified at a party, but then I wouldn't like her to be terrified daily either and I suggest you go into the preschool to discuss handling this over the coming year.

Morloth · 24/08/2012 14:02

The OP has no idea whether the child has special needs or not. She is not his parent, his parents may not know yet.

At 3/4 there should not have been the opportunity for the OP's DD to become terrified at preschool, she should never have been put in that situation. When DS1 was in nursery at that age they were closely supervised.

Then I believe you are a bad person amck5700, there is no need to risk hurting this little boy, no need whatsoever.

giveitago · 24/08/2012 14:02

With morloth on this. These are very young children.

sherbetpips · 24/08/2012 14:03

I wouldn't worry they wont all come anyway!

5madthings · 24/08/2012 14:03

oh and for a long period when my ds1 was little he was terrified of one little boy who would push and hit and shove, sometimes bite. we saw him regularly at toddler groups and got together at the park etc. he even came round to our house. i explained to ds1 that his little boy was LITTLE and LEARNING, i kept a close eye on them and intervened when i could, as did his mum. it took a long time but he got there eventually.

i cannot believe the name calling and labelling of this LITTLE boy. he is a toddler/pre-school child who is learning, some get it quickly, others take longer.

ihave had a variety myself, ds1 who would never hurt a fly, then ds2 who was a whirlwind and who i had to watch constantly, ds3 again was very gentle, still a busy little thing but generally didnt hurt/snatch etc except occasionally and then ds4 who went through a biting phase. i have yet to see which way dd will go, she is only 20mths!

amck5700 · 24/08/2012 14:03

Also, we could be talking Scottish pre school here which would be older.

WelshMaenad · 24/08/2012 14:05

Whether or not he has special needs is irrelevant. An official diagnosis won't make the op's child less afraid of him, will it?

Morloth · 24/08/2012 14:06

Yes, I believe it is wrong to invite 29 children out of 30 to have a big party in the knowledge that someone is being left out.

Will the OP's DD be affected by having only 20 children to her birthday party as opposed to 29? Will she remember that for a long time and take that knowledge to heart that she just wasn't important enough?

I doubt it, but it seems far more likely that this other 4 year old will remember being the only one left out.

amck5700 · 24/08/2012 14:06

okay then I am a bad person - maybe I wont get invited to the party :o

My child has been bullied - so I maybe have a different view and there is no way that I would put my child in the position of being uncomfortable at their own party and I also don't see why other children who have not done anything wrong should be excluded either......so hang me.

Morloth · 24/08/2012 14:07

You are right Welsh excluding one child out of 30 is pretty bloody vile whether that child has SN or not.

amck5700 · 24/08/2012 14:07

......and the reality once again is that he is unlikely to know that he has been excluded and not everyone will come anyway - mountain out of molehill is my view.

Morloth · 24/08/2012 14:10

Have a look around at the threads where kids are excluded regularly from parties amck5700, the hurt is real.

pigletmania · 24/08/2012 14:11

YANBU he was a bully and made your dd life miserable. He should learn that bad behaviour has consequences. You could have a smaller party and ask those who she plays with often. Yes my dd has ASD and des not get invited to many parties, none no she will be going to a school for Autism

blueemerald · 24/08/2012 14:11

Exactly Nanny0gg. It's the school/parents' job, not the OP's, to run around making sure this boy has a normal pre school experience. She has her own child/ren/life to worry about. Her daughter's needs need to be her priority. The bullied often bully later in life. That would be my main concern. The OP has said that the boy's parents have seen at least some of his behaviour so they are only kidding themselves if they are shocked that he is not invited. If they are not working with the school maybe this will go toward a change of attitude.

Also the OP has clearly stated that if his behaviour has improved or does improve over the first half term she will have no qualms inviting him.

I refuse to accept this is how 4 year olds behave- sustained targeted aggressive behaviour not under developed social/play skills. Yes the school should have dealt with it but they haven't.

I do agree with the point about gloating though.

WelshMaenad · 24/08/2012 14:11

When we were planning DD's big party, I asked her if we should think about inviting K, the bully, and the look of sheer horror and disappointment on her face told me everything I needed to know.

It would have been pretty vile to hurt my own child by asking her to sacrifice her party in the interests of being Vair Naice. My child is more important than any other. It was an easy call.

amck5700 · 24/08/2012 14:12

he can only hurt about it if he is aware that everyone else has gone to the party and he didn't, at 4 that is unrealistic.

Debeez · 24/08/2012 14:14

To be balanced though, no one is going to start a thread saying" my child was excluded and I can see why" Morloth.

Pigletmania and myself have had children who have been excluded and although we're not holding gavels we do agree with the OP.

FateLovesTheFearless · 24/08/2012 14:15

Whether the boy is bullying, being four or whatever, the dd is scared of him. So no party invite. The rest get invites because dd is not scared of them. If the boys feelings are hurt that's a shame, but it is not the OPs responsibility to care. Sad but true.

Having had a bullied ASD child I am a hard bitch. Hang me too. Smile

5madthings · 24/08/2012 14:16

of course he will know, i imagine the invites will be handed out at pre-school so he will be aware he doesnt get one and the children will talk about the party afterwards.

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