to want to exclude one child

[Ithinkitsjustme]

My DD2 is going back to pre-school next week but all her close friends have gone to school this year so she'll have to start again. She's never had a birthday party but as she will be 4 in October I thought I would hire a fun bus and invite all the "step-up" kids (those who will be going to school with her) to a party in the half term. Last year 2 boys made her life miserable and she was terrified of both of them. They were always hitting her, taking her toys away, pushing her etc. One of them has now left but I don't want to invite the other one to her party (unless he has miraculously changed over the summer Break), WIBU to leave him out if things haven't changed? (I would be inviting ALL the others)

Posted too soon....

it's bullying to exclude one child when that child won't be able to associate it's bad behaviour with the punishment. Also, maybe it will be helpful (given your DD will be spending another year with this child), to see his behaviour & maybe have a chat with his parents?

If the child was older & really a bully then my advice may be different, but at such a young age then I'm not sure the term can be applied.

This is your daughter's day. Have you asked her about extending an invitation to this unpleasant little sod? I personally would not. I could care less about the feelings of some little brat who has terrorised my child.

I have a boy (preschooler) who has had a problem with pushing and hitting. We have tried everything to deal with it but it is a massive struggle. I would be devastated if he was excluded from a party everyone else was invited to. If the child understands that's what's happened (which he probably will), he would be devastated too.

It will need supervision though, preferably by his parent, but if they don't step in then maybe you. If you have close mum friends in the nursery maybe you could explain the situation to them and ask them to keep an eye on things.

By the way I am deeply offended that anyone would call a three year old an 'unpleasant little sod'. HE IS THREE FGS.

My ds is the badly behaved boy in the school. He is 7 now and he's on his second school. Since he was this little boy's age he has been labeled as naughty, not invited to parties, and I've been whispered about in the playground. He has just been diagnosed with an autistic spectrum disorder (PDA). This thread makes me feel quite depressed.

Please don't exclude him, at least give him another chance.

This thread is making me feel really sad.

Bully, little brat, terrorise, unpleasant little sod, etc, etc.

This child is, at the most, 4 years old.

Let's label him a thug and unredeemable now, shall we?

There's too much distance between action and non-invitation for a child this young to see it as a consequence. If his behaviour has been that bad I'd like to know what nursery has done about it. His parents may not know what to do or may not care. Still not his fault. The party should be contained enough for an adult to keep a close eye on him so the party girl won't be affected.
If the whole class wasn't being invited it wouldn't be an issue, but excluding one is also a form of bullying imo (I know, suffered it for years at secondary school) and it won't make a jot of difference to his behaviour.

It's not being PC or some type of social experiement, it's just being kind. A good 'lesson' for all, surely?

Unredeemable ?

Irredeemable fgs

My neigbours son was an unpleasant little sod when he was three - now he is 9 and his grandparent who lived in the same house has a protection order that he isn't allowed near her becasue he assaults her. he bullied my son and many other children and I got fed up hearing, but hes only 3, or he's only 4, or he's only 5. He was and is a little/big shit and everyone has failed to deal with the issue. Just saying, just cos he is 3 or 4 doesn't make him a poor misunderstood soul who should be invited to every event. If the OPs daughter doesn't want him and she wants everyone else then that's what should happen - it's her Birthday. If he has a party then he can exclude the OP's daughter if he wants.

Please don't exclude him, maybe ask his mum along too. Labelling (sp?) a child at such an early age is just wrong and quite mean tbh.

.....and if the boy was my son then yes I would feel sad but at least it would make me try to sort out his behaviour.

I'm not usually in favour of excluding one child, but if this boy's behaviour is so bad then I would be tempted to. And if the child is that bad there may be other children who will be frighted to come if he is there. This is not an unknown situation.

If he has nice, normal parents I would invite him and asked them to come along so that they keep an eye on him. If not I'd not have him there.

I would not invite a child to my dd birthday who was nasty to her? If the boys mum brought it up I would just be truthful about why.

You cannot live your life too please everyone else!

.Yup - agree - my ds has a great friend to him who I find very difficult. Not just me but a whole host of other people. But he's 5. I deal with it. Yup - I'll tell him off and his parents are happy for me to do so. I'd never exclude him. I'm the parent. I think other kids do exclude him and that's up to them. I don't as a parent as long as my kid is friends with him.

I'm not keen on exclusion. My ds was excluded in reception not because he was horrible or violent but just because I work and other mum's didn't and they were in a big group of mummy friends who were desperate for other mummy friends I guess. So my kid was excluded. It happens. It hurt me on behalf of my child. DH got he message as well that he wasn't in the crowd just because mummy and daddy worked very hard. Not great. But he's fine. He has lots of friends in school (without the playdates because it's a mummy gang place) and heaps more outside school as he has a life bigger than his little school (which isn't hard).

I don't discriminate if ds wants a big party.

But at this age it's the parents' party so they can do what they want.

This is a 3 year old you are talking about! (or 4 yr old at the most).
Either have a few close friends or invite them all.

I have an 8 year old and if he was being a bully and didn't get invited to a party I would tell him: 'suck it up sunshine, you should have been nicer'.

I also have a 2.5 year old - surely closer to the age of this kid at the time if he isn't going into reception in September? And he would have no clue why he was being left out, no way could he connect the pushing someone over and being excluded from all the other kids. I doubt he would even get that in a year from what I remember of DS1.

By all means don't invite him, but don't have a whole class party and make him the ONLY one left out.

Can you honestly not see what sort of person that would make you?

It will need supervision though, preferably by his parent, but if they don't step in then maybe you. If you have close mum friends in the nursery maybe you could explain the situation to them and ask them to keep an eye on things.

I strongly disagree with this. Why should the OP spend her child's birthday party running around supervising someone else's badly behaved kid? Or draft in other people. Personally I'd flat out refuse to be responsible for the class tyrant.

YANBU. It's a different situation from inviting 29 out of 30 children in a class as presumably the pre-schoolers your DD was with are now split up and spread out across separate classes, will be making their own friends etc. rather than still hanging out as a group.

NannyOgg: "There's too much distance between action and non-invitation for a child this young to see it as a consequence."

To me, that's not the issue. The issue is whether the OP's DD - whose party it is - will be happy to have him around. You might not like to see a four year old child being labelled a bully or a thug, but if you are another four year old child who is being subjected to bullying, thuggish behaviour, it doesn't really matter what you call him, the effect is the same. You're showing consideration for the little boy's rights not to be labelled - well, the birthday girl has the right not to have her life made a misery.

Looking at this pragmatically, what would be the consequence of not inviting him? Will it create bad feeling later on that could rebound on you or your DD? What kind of party are you having - is it one where the children do their own thing, or will there be an adult entertainer who will keep a tight control of proceedings?

fwiw, when my daughter started secondary school, she and a friend decided to have a big party and invite the whole class. There was one very aggressive, violent girl in the class who we were in two minds about inviting. In the end, we thought it better if DD didn't make an enemy of her (in the words of LBJ, better to have her inside the tent pissing out, than outside pissing in). The party went smoothly and she behaved herself.

Not sure it would work the same with a four year old, though.

I strongly disagree with this. Why should the OP spend her child's birthday party running around supervising someone else's badly behaved kid?
Because if you have a party for four-year-olds that's what you do anyway.

OP you are definitely NOT bu. if your child is genuinely scared of this boy you owe it to her to protect her. When and if he starts to behave well he can expect an invite and it's a great lesson to learn that bad behaviour doesn't get rewarded. I think those who think you are being u probably have their own aggressive kids to deal with and don't like it when they are excluded. Stick to your guns and think about your dc first, not someone else's.

Definitely don't invite him. So his feelings will be hurt? Shouldn't be a little shit them should he. I know I sound heartless but if it were my DD I wouldn't even dream of it.

Wait. I am confused (a common problem for me).

Are they in the same class now and you want to invite all of the current class and not him, or do you want to invite the friends from last year only and they are not in the same class?