to want to exclude one child

[Ithinkitsjustme]

My DD2 is going back to pre-school next week but all her close friends have gone to school this year so she'll have to start again. She's never had a birthday party but as she will be 4 in October I thought I would hire a fun bus and invite all the "step-up" kids (those who will be going to school with her) to a party in the half term. Last year 2 boys made her life miserable and she was terrified of both of them. They were always hitting her, taking her toys away, pushing her etc. One of them has now left but I don't want to invite the other one to her party (unless he has miraculously changed over the summer Break), WIBU to leave him out if things haven't changed? (I would be inviting ALL the others)

Your party - invite who you like.

My own personal rule is that if ds draws up his list of invites - if it means that only 3 out of 15 boys (not girls as he only invites about 5 out of 15 of the girls) in his class are not included, I go ahead and invite anyhow. This has happened two years running. He wasn't ever bullied but one of the kids I find very hard and so does ds. But in the midst of a huge party you wouldn't notice them particularly. I also find that if it's ds's party noone will give him a hard time because I'm around.

Next year either no party or he gets to invite two of his friends to the theatre or something like that.

Hard one - we've given out more invitations than ds has had invites. I don't care particularly as each parent has their party - it might be small, ds might not be on the short list but I know that when he's not invited it's because he's a bit invisible rather than because he is a child that other children and parents are wary of.

Go with your instinct but be aware that people can be offended.

For the record I don't think exclusion is wrong - although sometimes misplaced! But the boy is 3 or 4 years old - leaving him out and inviting everyone else in the class is just mean.

They haven't met for the summer, the other boy isn't there to be his partner in crime, and he may well have "matured" a little over the holidays. And, quite frankly, it was up to the nursery staff to make sure this didn't happen more than once anyway.

Lots of small children are very agressive, and that is not an excuse just an explanation. They don't all go on to become bullies. The OP doesn't say wether the behaviour went unchecked or was managed by the staff/parents.

madge because young children do not know the consequences of their actions (however much people bleat on about them doing so). By the time they get to primary school he may well be a model pupil of he may lose friends because of his behaviour - either way its a learning curve. I would not invite a child that mine was afraid of or that had bullied her but I would not leave out just one child from a whole class either. I would have a smaller party and invite a smaller group of friends.

Can I be cheeky You can be as cheeky as you like!

and ask whether you would prefer that child was just left out, or that the parent spoke to you and explained why, or that he was invited with a chat asking that you supervised him carefully?

With my DS it's not a bullying problem. It's a purely cannot contain excitement, he's not great socially and as a result isn't very popular outside of his small social group.

I've been invited to events before where I wasn't expecting an invite, and was very appreciative of it, every social activity is an opportunity to learn for him. He's a lovely child, takes joy in others happiness and with the right support we'll get there eventually.

I would always stay with him, lurking at the back and stepping in when needed and the other parents know this so they don't tend to ask me to stay as they know I will IYSWIM. I simply remove DS, if he doesn't calm down or won't engage I take him home. He usually does but not always.

I know all children get over excited at parties but I must stress DS is a whole other level of OH MY GOODNESS THERE IS A CLOWN AND HIS SHOES ARE RED AND HE MAY HAVE BALLOONS!

I don't like the idea that I'm removing a child from someones birthday party. I think it spoils the mood and I'd hate to think we were invited through sufferance and then spoilt the atmosphere. That's not fair on the birthday child or the parent who organised it all.

My son must learn to behave in a considerate manner towards others and not to shout and yell at every little thing that pleases him. We help him by taking him to clubs and events, explaining to the organiser the situation and if they are happy to work with us we go ahead. He has been asked to leave gymnastics. This was the right thing to do as the other children's enjoyment and learning was being spoilt. We simply explained why and found a club (karate) that had the capacity to work with us without it ruining the experience for everyone else.

Sorry that's so long but I just wanted to answer as best I could using my personal experience. I think my son is the best thing since sliced bread and love him so much I feel I could burst with it, for this reason I think I owe it to him to help him behave.

YABU - the boy is 3 possibly 4 years old, you have no experience of him outside the pre-school setting. To leave just him out is pretty mean.

I am confused as to why the pre-school allowed 2 boys to make her life a misery for a year and it was not addressed. Did they do nothing to sort it?

You could look at inviting him as a way to help your daughter by getting to know him/his parents so you can sort the problem.

Ok nokids - you see it as a learning curve if the child loses friends as a result of his behaviour? Good. I see it as a learning curve if he doesn't get to ruin my child's party with his behaviour! A kiddie's party should be a happy fun event, especially for the child having the party, NOT some right-on inclusion-at-all-costs experiment!

I would either invite all or a select few.

If he's invited I would keep a very close eye on him (actually if you think the parents are useless I wouldn't invite them - easier to deal with bad behaviour if the parents aren't there).

I always make sure I have an extra pair of hands or two for big parties. Last year ds2 had a whole class party and I knew one of the kids had SN so I asked one of my helpers to keep a close eye on him. He was absolutely fine, no problems at all, good as gold (the problems came from a child I wasn't expecting to misbehave at all - one of the parents to had stayed stepped in and sorted it).

I agree with those who say that at 3 (unless he was old for his year) his behaviour may well be a reflection of his age and not an intrinsic nastiness at all. Plenty of three year olds are quite physical, biting, hitting, and so on, even the nice ones! I also can't understand how he could actually bully her at a party, surely he'll be bouncing on the bouncy castle then eating the tea. I've never had a party with a three/four year old I couldn't handle, just how bad can he be if you say 'sit down and eat up'?

If it was a 7 year old I would say different, but I don't even agree with the word 'bullying' for this age, and I also think that if there was anything resembling that in the pre-school it should have been dealt with on day one and not allowed to turn into a situation like this.

How the hell do we expect small children to learn that poor behaviour has consequences if we don't PROVIDE the bloody consequences in case it's 'mean'? Not being invited to the party = valuable life lesson.

I would only invite my child's friends. It's meant to be a fun thing, not a political gathering.

I don't think a three year old is capable of understanding that pushing x 2 months ago = no party invite. And saying 'everyone else is invited except YOU because you're MEAN' to a pre-schooler would be adult bullying imo. FGS if you don't invite one person don't then taunt them with the lack of invitation!

Pushing/shoving needs to be dealt with at the time.

I wouldn't invite, all my bullies got invited to my parties and I look back at the pictures now and get pissed off at it.

All it done was re-inforce their behaviour as they never got into trouble for it and never lost out on any of the parties. This happened with all the kids in the class that they bullied (2 of them from primary 1) they got away with it until we got to high school.

I admit I might be littlleee bit biased though...

If your daughter is scared of him, don't invite him. I don't care if it's not PC or whatever, my child's happiness on her special day would be much more my priority than not adhering to some doormat principle of parenting.

Can 4 year olds be 'bullies?' or 3-4 year olds if pre school and happened last year? I wouldn't exclude unless I'd spoken to the parents etc etc.

DS wasn't invited to many parties (SN) but the parents did approach me and say 'I was thinking about whether or not I should invite him but I didn't know if he'd cope' etc etc. I totally understood why he wasn't invited as parties are supposed to be a happy time and it wouldn't be particularly happy of he was there pushing people over etc. but then I could be trusted to totally remove him from the party if his behaviour wasn't up to scratch. It sounds like those parents can't be trusted.

The parties DS was invited to I was expected to be there (I did say oh, good does that mean I can leave him with you for an hour ) to close friends but it was a joke. Sort of if you don't laugh you'd cry situation.

I'm rambling. I think speak to the parents about your concerns. You don't want to leave him out but don't want him to hurt DD on her birthday if they're approachable.

If not I'd just avoid and not invite, although I would still feel bad for the child but it's the parents fault not yours if you can't approach them.

How the hell do we expect small children to learn that poor behaviour has consequences if we don't PROVIDE the bloody consequences in case it's 'mean'? Not being invited to the party = valuable life lesson

I don't entirely disagree with this - but it was a long time ago (in terms of a 3 year old). Punish and consequence has to happen at the time of the incident to have any meaning.

He is 4 (possibly 3?), how old are you?

Don't have a whole class party and exclude just one child, that is really mean and pointed.

At age 4 I would never dream of excluding one child. They're still forming personalities and emulate a lot of g
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Chre!63,what they see in their surroundings. I wouldn't punish a 3-4 year old like that, as their behaviour is the parent's fault.
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Sorry that was my daughter putting in her 2 cents. I think she was trying to say she agrees with me. .

Namechange, that's so funny.

I would not have a whole class party with one child missing at any age.

If you feel that strongly about excluding this child, I would go for a smaller more select party.

And for those saying the little boy will learn, of course he won't connect the two. I should think being excluded from a party aged 4 will probably stick in his mind. But at 3/4 as others have said, the onus is on the adults (teachers, parents) to discipline the child correctly.

But even my lovely 4 year old pushed people a couple of times at pre-school, she was too little to understand how to react properly, got told off, cried a lot and learnt from it.

I honestly don't think he can be that out of control he can't be contained in a party, and if that's the case and you want a nice pleasant calm party, my tip would be don't invite a whole class anyway, those parties are always chaotic and everyone behaves boisterously and loudly as there's too many of them.

No I wouldn't invite a child who had constantly bullied my child. I don't care if it's leaving him out. Why on earth should I invite someone to my daughter's birthday party if that person has a history of being horrible to her.

I wouldn't expect my teenaged children to invite someone they didn't like to their parties and can not see why it should be any different for my three year old. I can't understand how people think it is acceptable to do that.

Debeeze I would want you to come to my daughter's party. You have been beautifully honest about your DS and are working with him to build up his behaviour.

On the other hand, parents who find it funny when their children go around pushing other children over/around, are as bad as the little bullies themselves.

Winky Im so glad your DS situation was sorted out by inviting the bully to tea, but theres no way on earth this would have worked with the 10 year old who was bullying my 10 year old DS, sadly our next door neighbour. Physically assualts were only a small part of it as was the constant name calling but suffice to say we have just had to move home to get away from this boy and I nearly lost my marriage over the stress of it all. So no I wont be inviting him to put the candles on my DSs birthday cake anytime soon.

And I couldnt give a toss about how "miserable" bullies are meant to be - that doesnt give him the right to make my sons life miserable to.

There is a huge difference between 3 and 13 and not just in terms of years.

I assume all those that think it's okay to exclude one child will be perfectly accepting when that one child is theirs...

I really don't think there's any comparison between sustained bullying by a 10 year old and the bad behaviour of a three year old in preschool. Preschool children are very boisterous and minor outbreaks of pushing and hitting are common, many of the very boisterous boys who did that in my daughter's pre-school are now lovely members of the class and well-behaved.

No one is saying invite this child. If you don't like them (and your daughter doesn't either), don't invite them. But for goodness sake don't invite every single other person except them, because that would be singling them out and ostracizing them for no good reason (for pushing aged 3?!) Draw up a list of favourites and go with that.

We are talking about pre school here and as the child isn't starting reception in September that means we are talking about a 3 year old. I really don't think it is fair to label him a bully! Invite and make sure the parents stay to watch him. I doubt a 2/3 year old has consciously been making your 3 year old's life hell.

What kind of pre-school does your DD go to that allows 3 year olds to terrorise each other?! Have you not spoken to the staff about this, as they don't sound very well supervised?

I agree that it's a form of adult bullying to exclude 1 child when that child cant