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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to exclude one child

394 replies

Ithinkitsjustme · 24/08/2012 10:29

My DD2 is going back to pre-school next week but all her close friends have gone to school this year so she'll have to start again. She's never had a birthday party but as she will be 4 in October I thought I would hire a fun bus and invite all the "step-up" kids (those who will be going to school with her) to a party in the half term. Last year 2 boys made her life miserable and she was terrified of both of them. They were always hitting her, taking her toys away, pushing her etc. One of them has now left but I don't want to invite the other one to her party (unless he has miraculously changed over the summer Break), WIBU to leave him out if things haven't changed? (I would be inviting ALL the others)

OP posts:

SirBoobAlot · 24/08/2012 10:58

You can't just exclude one child, and especially not before you've seen how he acts now the other boy has left.

If you really don't want him there, have a smaller party.

blueemerald · 24/08/2012 10:59

WinkyWinkola, are you kidding me? He bullies this poor child for a year and then get to put the candles on her cake?! I understand that no one bullies for no reason and he most likely needs some intervention but it is not the OP or her daughter's responsibility to help him deal with his issues.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 24/08/2012 10:59

I dont understand why excluding a bully is bullying..........surely that is what happens when you are horrid to others, no one wants you around. Why should OP make a fuss of him at the party and give him special things to do - thats just rewarding him for being a little shit and no lesson learned there at all.

Bully people and no one will invite you/want you round.
Be nice and hence you do get the invites and have friends.
Simple lesson in life!

Hemlet · 24/08/2012 11:00

Blimey - I'm frankly amazed that so many people are having a go at the OP for not inviting a child that bullied her daughter to her party! If my Mum invited someone who bullied me to my party I would be incredibly upset. My child and her enjoyment would be far more important than worrying about excluding a child who is nasty.

I would say though that maybe inviting all the kids is a bit much, maybe as others have said just have the girls, or a select few. Then it won't look as obvious when you do exclude the little horror.

citylovernow · 24/08/2012 11:02

I'm not sure at age 4 they boy would realise why he hasn't been invited. Not the same, but my dd1 was quite bossy at age 4-5 and we had to pick her up on it quite a bit. It wasn't until she was 5-6 that she realised that people don't want to play with you if you're bossy, and then she started to control it.

marge2 · 24/08/2012 11:02

He's only 4 . You can't not invite him. It's harsh to label him a 'bully' at age 4. He is still learning how to behave at that age. You need to invite him - just keep a close eye on him.... or ask him Mum to stay and keep an eye on him.

You can hope he can't come though !!

My DS2 and a friend of his had a joint b-day party this year. We invited the class 'problem kid'. On the day we got a text saying he was sick and couldn;t come. High Fives all round!! Yesssssss!

Olympicnmix · 24/08/2012 11:02

I've always done big inclusive parties at that age but in big spaces and with plenty of parents around so the less well behaved ones were neutralised, BUT if my child was genuinely frightened and it would spoil her enjoyment and the party taking place in a relatively small, enclosed space like a fun bus then I wouldn't invite him nor lose sleep over it.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 24/08/2012 11:03

My DS started school when he was 4 and he knew for sure that being nasty etc was wrong.

blueemerald · 24/08/2012 11:05

Marge2 I actually think your reaction was far crueller than not inviting him at all.

MammyToMany · 24/08/2012 11:05

I wouldn't invite a child who had been bullying mine, I would want my Dc to have a good time at their party not be wary and on edge. Why should he get to bully her all year and then come to her party? And I'm sorry but I wouldn't let other children miss out on the party so it was less obvious either, doesn't seem very fair.

MadgeHarvey · 24/08/2012 11:06

I don't get this "you can't NOT invite him" stuff? Why not? Why on earth not? So he grows up to be a high school bully, a workplace bully, whatever but that's ok - everyone will keep on inviting him to stuff because " you can't not"?
Explain that please!

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/08/2012 11:06

I would have gone with Outraged's suggestion, until you posted about the parents laughing when the boys pushed other children over. The parents are unlikely to supervise adequately, and could well take umbrage at the very idea of their child requiring supervision.

It's possible that without the other boy around, this boy's behaviour could improve. But it's not a given.

On balance, I would choose to not invite him. It's all very well to say exclusion is wrong (which I generally agree with) but if he regularly terrified my daughter I'd be more concerned about how she would feel about him being there.

MakeHayNotStraw · 24/08/2012 11:07

In this situation, I really wouldn't invite the child. My priority would be dd's feelings, not that of the boy - and I would want her to know that I was supporting her if she'd been bullied. If you invite the boy now, what message are you sending for later if (hopefully not) she gets bullied again by someone else? I would want her to think I had listened to her and was protecting her, not that I had ignored her feelings.

SirBoobAlot · 24/08/2012 11:07

He's four years old. You can't label a kid as a bully before he's even started school!

MakeHayNotStraw · 24/08/2012 11:09

Not saying you are ignoring her feelings, btw, but that may be how she perceives it. Imo, inviting the boy so he doesn't get upset is putting him before dd.

blueemerald · 24/08/2012 11:10

You have around 6 weeks of term time to see if his behaviour changes (or if he gets a new side kick!). That is plenty of time!

Olympicnmix · 24/08/2012 11:12

You don't have to label him a bully, a lot of children's behaviour really matures between 4-7, but whilst his behaviour is unkind to your dd and she is frightened of him, I would not invite him if it meant it she was nervous and on edge for what is meant to be a really special day for her.

MakeHayNotStraw · 24/08/2012 11:12

I don't think it is labelling the child at all - merely recognising that your dd has been terrified of him, and therefore might (totally reasonably) not want to be around him. The OP is planning on giving him the benefit of the doubt by seeing if he has changed before making the decision, but I am not sure I could be so magnanimous, I would want dd to see that I am protecting her and will always protect her, Tiger Mother an' all.

JustSpiro · 24/08/2012 11:12

If it's going to ruin your daughter's birthday don't invite him - as other posters have said, behaviour has consequences.

I had a similar thing with my DD when she had her first birthday at primary school - she only had the girls from her class, but there were just two she didn't want to invite. One she just didn't have a lot to do with and the other she actively disliked and felt would ruin her special day so that was that.

This year I've had to tell her she can't invite a girl who has been to her last two parties because of her behaviour previously. We are having a small sleepover and I'm not willing to have her here when I have responsibility for other people's children as she physically lashed out at another girl last year.

It's a shame as they get on at school and her mum is lovely, but I'm just not willing to chance it a third year running.

WelshMaenad · 24/08/2012 11:12

I would not invite him. Tell the parent why if asked. I did the exact sane thing on my DD's 5th birthday, deciding not to invite a girl who was on school sanctions for bullying my dd. I'd taken dd to this girl's party earlier in the year in an attempt to encourage s friendship, and watched this child slap, push and mock my child without her parents lifting an eyebrow.

It is her BIRTHDAY PARTY. why in gods name invite soneobe likely to upset her, hurt her and ruin it? Poor kid should get to have a party without it being hijacked by the PC brigade in the name of Nice Relations.

RosemaryandThyme · 24/08/2012 11:13

Four year olds can be bullying little thugs.

Age is irrelevant -if he is a horror at 4 he might turnaround, or he might be a bullying thug for the rest of his life.

How about a bold approach - invite everyone else and hand the invites out to the mums, saying nice and loudly to thug's mum that you arn't inviting him because of his behaviour towards your girl.
Too many people pussy-foot around children's behaviour.

MakeHayNotStraw · 24/08/2012 11:13

olympicmix said it better than me...that's what I was getting at!

MadgeHarvey · 24/08/2012 11:14

Welsh - bloody well said!

blueemerald · 24/08/2012 11:14

SirBoobAlot- why not? What he is doing is bullying. He is (according to the OP) targeting those he sees as smaller and weaker than him for sustained periods of time. Like I said earlier this does not sound like a bit of snatching and shoving that most 4 year olds do occasionally. Labelling his behaviour may get him intervention/guidance earlier and save him making someone's life a misery in 10 years time.

amck5700 · 24/08/2012 11:16

As the parent of a child who was bullied by a child that we had in our home and at birthday parties and was part of our social circle and then went on to ne a nasty wee shite, my view is that your own chld is your priority and there is no way that I would invite a child who had been nasty to mine on a regular basis. Invite the rest of the class and not him if your daughter is scared of him and doesn't want him there. I'd ask her opinion, she is 4 and has a mind of her own.

Actually he will probably not even realise that everyone else has gone and not him anyway.

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