to want to exclude one child

[Ithinkitsjustme]

My DD2 is going back to pre-school next week but all her close friends have gone to school this year so she'll have to start again. She's never had a birthday party but as she will be 4 in October I thought I would hire a fun bus and invite all the "step-up" kids (those who will be going to school with her) to a party in the half term. Last year 2 boys made her life miserable and she was terrified of both of them. They were always hitting her, taking her toys away, pushing her etc. One of them has now left but I don't want to invite the other one to her party (unless he has miraculously changed over the summer Break), WIBU to leave him out if things haven't changed? (I would be inviting ALL the others)

piglet if an adult intervenes firmly and removes him if he steps a milimetre out of line then I can't really see that as a bad thing, especially as that might be rather vindicating for the bullied child - her turf, her family, and her Uncle John Doe to make sure the child who scares her doesn't get the chance to do so. Having said that, if the OP's daughter still feels come Oct that it would ruin her party then I absolutely don't think that should be forced, no. I did say that she can't be allowed to be afraid at her own party, and nor should she be scared in the run-up to it. If I discussed the supervision option and it didn't reassure then I'd be back to uninvited territory, yep.

Still think it's worth seeing how he behaves this term, without a little partner in crime, and seeing how the DD is closer to the time. An offer of intensive supervision would be enough for my son (in fact he'd rather like the idea of a kid like that getting "told off!" as he sees it every single time!) but obviously it might not assuage her daughter's fears. It was just a thought.

I am sad for this kid, though. Nobody deserves such shitty parents.

Adults are perfect capable of coming down hard on a child who is behaving badly and spoiling it. What adults, particularly?
The op has already said the boy's parents laugh when they observe his behaviour at school; there s nothing to suggest they'd be any different at a party?
And while op herself could spend the whole party standing over this child trying to minimise the effect his behaviour might have on the others - why the hell should she? It's her daughter's party, she should be the one the focus is on. I absolutely hate spoilt brats at parties who are so used to being the centre of attention that they expect it wherever they are, even someone else's party. I'd put this situation under much the same heading.

Ok perfectcstorm who is going to supervise this boy. His parents sound as effective as a chocolate teapot, it is not up to the op as she will be very busy with her dc and party. Yes dd might see how it goes, but if its still the same in say a months time than be any means she should not habpve him there

Ok perfectcstorm who is going to supervise this boy. His parents sound as effective as a chocolate teapot, it is not up to the op as she will be very busy with her dc and party. Yes dd might see how it goes, but if its still the same in say a months time than be any means she should not habpve him there

Piglet, it might aid the discussion somewhat if you troubled to read people's posts properly. I will cut and paste from my original post in answer to your question, as there seems little point rewording what I said there; it answers your questions and points in full.

I said:

I think the only solutions are on the one hand not to invite that specific child, and on the other to ensure an adult member of your family who is good (plays well with them, but can be extremely firm) to "mark" that child throughout, in case his parents don't... What I absolutely would not do would be to invite a kid who could not be independently supervised, and turn my child's party into a nightmare for them. If I hadn't a spare adult play partner then the child would not be asked.

I say that as someone whose kid is also 4 this term coming, and is having a joint birthday with another child so both families can afford to invite the whole class. I'm usually very opposed to excluding even difficult kids. But in this instance, it risks your child spending her own birthday party scared and watchful. Not on at all to place his feelings above hers.

I clearly stated that if someone who could do that could be identified (no problem in my own family) and the DD was comforted by that solution, then that might be the way to go - but if no such person could be found, then no invite, because her DD's feelings had to take precedence. What, precisely, is your problem with that suggestion and statement?

I sometimes think people get so determined to argue their own points over and over on AIBU that they completely overlook what others are actually saying, just so they can argue their own position with ever more force. It does tend to impede the debate.

Well I suppose like op said they will wait and see about the child's ehaviour, but really nobody should have anyone at their party who makes them feel miserable and terrified. We would not have uncheck eople as adults

The core thing is how the child feels, completely agree. No victim of bullying should have the bullies' feelings placed above his or her own.

the child can be no more than three

i would be asking questions at the preschool about how these kids are supervised.

unnecessarily unkind not to invite him

"It is never OK to exclude one person only from a social event. Neither for adults nor for children"

In most cases I would agree with this, but if there is GOOD REASON not to invite someone then it's perfectly ok. Look at it this way: if you were planning a party for adults and there was a particular family member who had been really nasty and vindictive in the past and was likely to make a scene at the party, that's reason good enough not to invite them.

I had a similar dilema, except is wasn't about leaving the one child out, it was because I am good friends with his mum and in the past he has invited dd2 to all hi parties, so politically I felt it the right thing to do. Believe me, this boy is a pain in the a*se of epic proportions. Anyway, we invited him because I felt it would be cruel not to, and he was OK, with strong supervision.

I shouldn't have bothered though as dd2 didn't even get invited back to his party several months later, but at least the chain's broken now and I can look forward to a dilema-free party for dd2 this year!

So... My sister is getting married next year. We are inviting all my dad's living siblings, bar one. Fair?

Now if I tell you it's because she has been unforgivably rude to my dad and really upset him, and they no longer speak... Fair?

Totally fair, Welsh. Actions have consequences. The three year old in question is obviously still too young to totally grasp this, but his parents, who are failing to reign in his behaviour, aren't.

It's sad that they'd have to see their child excluded to force them to act, but we live in the real world where people aren't always as forgiving as they might be and they have to act accordingly.

Welsh, it's your wedding and you're dealing with grown ups here. Not little kids who know no better. Big big difference.

I think actively excluding one child is unkind. The birthday girl will be supervised anyway. I'd invite him and take him to one side on arrival and tell him if he is unkind or mean to anyone at the party, he will be in big trouble.

And I wouldn't be sending my kid to a nursery or pre school where this sort of thing is allowed to continue.

Whatever happened to the 'it takes a village to raise a child'?

I reckon it would do the op's daughter good to see that this tormentor is unable to hurt her and that her mum and other adults are onto him. Bullies don't like to be made public.

It's a good opportunity to let the child know grown ups are onto his bad behaviour because it doesn't sound like the school are.

Winky. I reckon it would do the op's daughter good to see that this tormentor is unable to hurt her and that her mum and other adults are onto him
Agree with this in principle, but not at her birthday party. This should be happening at nursery as a matter of course. But it's not.

So you don't want to be mean to the child yours is afraid of and who hits her. Sorry to put it that way. I know you're thinking more broadly and kindly than that. But it's her birthday, she should have as nice a time as possible, if that means some people can't be there then so be it, as another poster said, behaviour has consequences, getting on with others gets you invitations, hitting doesn't.

I think if you've invited a child who then misbehaves, it's fine to say 'I'm going to call your mum to pick you up now as you are misbehaving'. That is different from excluding from the outset.

I think the only factor that matters here is whether she is still completely terrified of the mere thought of him by late September. If so, then all the supervision in the world won't stop her dreading her own party, if he's on the guest list.

I think it's worth remembering that some of the other kids on the guest list may not be popular ones either, even though they aren't actively unkind - a bit odd, perhaps SN that make their company less appealing - even very small kids have popularity pecking orders. Those suggesting only a few of the ones she really likes are invited may be suggesting cutting off several who'll get very few invites of their own, otherwise. The invitation might mean a lot to them, and their mothers. Why should they miss out because of this boy? Why should she dread her own birthday party?

Hopefully if the kid he usually tag-teams with (and why did the preschool not break that duo up and flat out forbid them to play together if they were using the friendship to harass other littlies?) has left, he will moderate his behaviour. They were more than likely egging one another on and validating the unkindness as normal. I also agree that labelling him as "the bully" at 3 or 4 is more than likely to entrench that behaviour. But the buck stops with the school and the parents, and the OP's child has the right to be free from bullying and fear at her own party. I'd have a rethink in late Sept and see if she is calmer, then (if a 1 to 1 supervisor for this boy can be found amongst close friends and family) broach that solution with her, explaining how he might feel if he is excluded. She's big enough to understand that, and to empathise. But if she is still genuinely terrified I think that should come first. Most of us wouldn't want a person who had physically assaulted us on a repeated basis to be invited to our houses, either.

I would have removed my children from a nursery who was failing to address the problem of a child who was frightening my child on a daily basis. None of my children has ever been afraid to go to nursery, and I am sure that is not because all the children they go to nursery with (and they themselves!) are angels... Surely the op's daughter shouldn't have to put up with this at nursery let alone at her party.

It certainly is a tricky one, mainly because the boy's parents appear to encourage him to behave this way. I think it's different when a child has anti-social behaviours that the parents are trying to do something about (which is more often the case).

Agreed on both counts.

If the parents were doing their best, and could be trusted to deal with him, my advice would be very different. And no decent preschool should allow it to reach this point, either. They're 3/4, not 13/14. They still have a huge amount of power over how small kids interact - or should do.