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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow my children to call their stepdad Dad?

125 replies

toatyweequean · 20/08/2012 12:04

Well, as it says above. They asked if they could call DP Dad over 1 1/2 yr ago, and have done so since at their own request I might add. I have always said that they should call DP whatever they feel most comfortable with, whether that be by his first name, dad, or whatever else they come up with. DP and I have been together for 4 years, all 4 of us live together as a family and DP and I are getting married in December. They see their natural father (my XH) once or twice a month, who apparently tells them they are not allowed to call DP Dad as he is their "Only Dad". They are aged 8 and 5.

Whilst speaking to DSIS today, she floored me by telling me that she and her husband find the whole thing confusing as she never knows who the children are talking about, that she would not have allowed this and that basically I should'nt have allowed it either.

Opinions?

OP posts:
SomebodySaveMe · 20/08/2012 12:05

I wouldn't allow it. Same as I wouldn't like them calling anybody else mum. DP found out that his XP has asked DSD to call her new partner dad and it really hurt him.

Dawndonna · 20/08/2012 12:05

My oldest calls his step-father Dad. Has done since he was about ten, it's up to the kids and if anyone else is confused, then they just ask. As long as the dcs are not confused, that's what matters.

Treblesallround · 20/08/2012 12:07

I think it's hugely disrespectful to their father. Do they call his partner Mum? Would you be comfortable with that?

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 20/08/2012 12:07

Up to the children, TBH, if they are comfortable with and how their view their SFs role in their life.

squoosh · 20/08/2012 12:08

They have a Dad who they see and love. I can understand that he wouldn't be crazy about another man taking his title.

crashdoll · 20/08/2012 12:09

Given that your children have fairly regular contact with their father, I would say YABU.

Nanny0gg · 20/08/2012 12:09

Could they call him another 'dad' name? Pop or somesuch?

I can see why your ex would be extremely hurt.

SuoceraBlues · 20/08/2012 12:12

I think maybe turn it around, how would you feel if they called their father's partner "mum". (or whatever specific term they use to refer to you)

If you feel it's no big deal, fair enough. I can see why you don't understand your ex's POV.

If it gets your hackles up, then you 'll find yourself able to understand why their father doesn't like sharing his title with another man.

A compromise might be that their father is dad, and their step father pa/pops or some other 'father" related term. Even if you don't understand why ex doesn't like it, (or you do but feel that is not your problem/rather enjoy the slap in the face he gets from it) it is not a bad thing for your kids to see you model consideration for others sensitivities (within reason).

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 20/08/2012 12:14

I wouldn't disallow it if they really wanted to, but I would point out that they have a Dad who loves them and that he might find it hurtful to hear them calling someone else Dad. Then I'd hope that they would value their Dad enough and love him enough not feel the need to call anyone else Dad.

Your dp isn't their Dad, they have a Dad and they can have a step Dad, but step parents should be called by their names IMO.

Kayano · 20/08/2012 12:15

I think it's Wong if they are their dad so YABU

Should they call his girlfriends (or if he gets married his wife) mum?

Thought not

Kayano · 20/08/2012 12:16

Wrong* not Wong!

Marthamoo123 · 20/08/2012 12:16

I have the same dilemma.

My ds asked to call his step dad 'daddy' (or dad).

He sees his father alot, every over weekend and the school hols. Even though ex h and I were over a long time ago we lived in the same house until I moved in with my now dh 18 months ago.

Ex h would be horrendously upset if he new ds called my dh dad. I've spoken to ds about that at length but he isnisted/insists that he loves my dh and wants to him dad too. Tbh, I don't see what else I can so to stop him.

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 20/08/2012 12:17

Rather they call him "Dad" than the usual "you aren't my Dad, you can't tell me what to do".

If you have, or intending to have children with your current DP, then they will be calling him Dad, your two will feel excluded, marginalised, have a different surname, be calling him "Kevin".

You're children will do what they feel is appropriate in their circumstances

Original poster
toatyweequean · 20/08/2012 12:17

My DD was only 1 when I met DP and he has brought them both up as his own since then. They both know that XH is their natural father, but they see DP as a dad as he is always there, taking ds to football, helping teach dd to ride her bike etc. I'm not really interested in how XH feels about it (although would not make this apparent to the kids), my DC are my main priority and I would have thought not letting them do so would have raised more issues than bruising their biological fathers ego!

OP posts:
Pandemoniaa · 20/08/2012 12:17

It might be worth turning this around for a moment and consider how happy you would be if your dcs decided to call your ex-husband's partner "Mum". I suspect you'd not be thrilled, tbh.

Speaking from experience, I think this is one of those decisions that you make. It doesn't matter whether your dcs want to call their stepfather "Dad", this isn't actually a good enough reason to go along with it. It's going to cause trouble, it is actually unfair to their real dad and there are plenty of other, affectionate and special names that they could use to refer to your dh.

So yes, YABU.

OldGreyWiffleTest · 20/08/2012 12:19

No. They have a Dad who they see regularly - I am sure he would be very hurt.

Let them call him Pops, or Pa, or anything but Dad.

KenLeeeeeee · 20/08/2012 12:19

If the children themselves have asked, then I would feel wrong for not allowing it. I wouldn't suggest it myself though, especially if they have regular contact with their bio dad.

Ithinkitsjustme · 20/08/2012 12:19

My DS1 calls my DH "dad" and always has - but he has never had any contact with his "real" dad and my DP adopted him at the first opportunity. I know that I would be very hurt if my kids were calling anyone else "Mum" and I think most parents would feel the same. We did have an issue with grandparents at one point and everyone had to have their own names to avoid confusion, so there was Nan, and Nana, but we had Grandad, Gramps, Grampa Fred and Grampa John - everyone was reasonably happy and there was no confusion. I can sympathise with your dilemma, if your children have asked if they can call your DP "Dad" but I think you need to compromise on this one and come up with another name that everyone is happy with, maybe Daddy Paul or something, (obviously not Paul - if his isn't Paul!! Grin.

missymoomoomee · 20/08/2012 12:19

YABVU how awful for their poor Dad, it would maybe be ok if he didn't see them at all but this isn't the case.

Pandemoniaa · 20/08/2012 12:20

I'm not really interested in how XH feels about it

Sorry, but this isn't a luxury that's yours to indulge on this particular matter.

DrowninginDuplo · 20/08/2012 12:21

Provided it was at the own request I think all adults will just have to suck it up and live with it. It is what they want to call a man who is a father figure to them.

However I also think that you would have to suck it up if they wanted to call their stepmum mum as well.

Original poster
toatyweequean · 20/08/2012 12:21

In terms of XH's partner, DS has already asked if I would mind him calling her "Mum". I have told him if he wants to do that, I don't have a problem with it. If they are happy, then so am I.

OP posts:
Treblesallround · 20/08/2012 12:23

OP, Your last post rather suggests that you re using this to get at your ex. From your opening post it seems that your youngest child was three and a half when they asked to call your partner 'dad'. I think that's improbable. You also presumably say no to your children when they request something inappropriate.

squoosh · 20/08/2012 12:25

I agree with Pandeminiaa, whether you have much time for your XH is kind of irrelevant. Their stepdad may well be a better father but they have a biological father who is present in their lives and who presumably loves them and they love in return.

It's not really appropriate for you to encourage them to think of stepdad as their 'real' Dad. They may well come to this conclusion when they're older but till then . . . .

Bossybritches22 · 20/08/2012 12:26

A Father or Daddy is the person who brings up the children & is there for them all the time & the person THEY want to call Dad.

Maybe your DP could be Dad & their biological father Daddy or both men Daddy Steve & DaddyJim.

AS you say OP this is about what the kids feel comforable with as long as they can disinguish which one they mean then fine.