To allow my children to call their stepdad Dad?

[toatyweequean]

Well, as it says above. They asked if they could call DP Dad over 1 1/2 yr ago, and have done so since at their own request I might add. I have always said that they should call DP whatever they feel most comfortable with, whether that be by his first name, dad, or whatever else they come up with. DP and I have been together for 4 years, all 4 of us live together as a family and DP and I are getting married in December. They see their natural father (my XH) once or twice a month, who apparently tells them they are not allowed to call DP Dad as he is their "Only Dad". They are aged 8 and 5.

Whilst speaking to DSIS today, she floored me by telling me that she and her husband find the whole thing confusing as she never knows who the children are talking about, that she would not have allowed this and that basically I should'nt have allowed it either.

Opinions?

thatgirlsevil that's a point!!

All these individual stories highlight one thing - you can't predict the future. As someone up thread says what happens if once you're married and I don't know say 10 years down the line you split up and 'dad' ie stepdad doesn't want to know (my very close friend is just going through this exact scenario and it's frankly awful)
I'm not wishing this on you or indeed any of these situations but the reality is you can't predict the long term -- except in one thing their biological sad will always be their dad.
I don't think what you did was wrong but I do think it was ill thought out and naive. Not sure what you can do now but if it was me I'd slowly introduce a 'dad plus name' situation rather than create an issue with an immediate change.

Creamegg so whats the plan punsih them everyime they call him dad or tell them off

I short their is nothing you can d if a chold wont call their parent mum or want to call their step parent dad

Do you apply that logic if the dc won't go to school/dentist/ or just behave in general??

'dad' not 'sad' obviously but I suspect it will make Op smile.

Another AIBU where the OP clearly has no doubt that she is NBU and gets the hump with anyone who says she is.

Seriously, what's the point of asking?

FWIW i think YABU. My kids have got a dad. They call him dad. They call my DP by his name. They call ex's DP by her name. Everyone is happy. If they called my ex's DP mom (which I don't think it would cross their minds to) I would be gutted and I know that my ex would have too much respect for me, not to mention common sense, not to allow it. It's just not necessary

TBH I feel a bit for the kids, I am wondering if they feel a bit confused what with asking to call their step dad, dad and them also saying they want to call his partner mum. Suppose if it works for you all...........I was (suppose I still am!) a step child and would never have wanted to call either of my step parents mum or dad (although I loved them both very much!). It would never have entered my head to, I was very clear about who my actual mum and dad were. We still all got on fine. Whatever works for your own family though.

Maybe the kids see the OPs partner as more of a Dad and feel closer to him. hey feel like calling him Dad, I think that should be allowed as well as calling their biological father Dad. It's different if someone insists their kids call their new partner Dad though, that's not on. But if it's something they decide to do, is it really horrible? It's how they obviously feel about their step parent.

Thepig I do not have the hump with anyone disagreeing with me, I had to go and get some shopping then pick up DC from school. I've been on mumsnet for long enough to know what to expect so if I was that precious I wouldn't ask. I appreciate hearing all your opinions but I don't have to agree with them all . I do agree that perhaps the way to go is to introduce a name along with DP ie toaty dad. thatgirlsevil I suspect he asked to see if I would react in the same way as XH . Separation and divorce is hard enough on the children, and as many earlier posts say, sometimes children find it easier to fit in with peers when they are saying the same things. My friends step son calls his mother and her Mum with no problems from either side, as he lives week about with both of them. I suspect some people on here would be phoning social services about that though!

Hi OP. I think you need to do what suits your kids best. If they want to call your DP Dad then it's fair enough- they obviously are aware he isn't their 'biological' Dad but must feel he fulfills the 'Dad' role for them and must have a lot of love for him. Why stop that? It really isn't that confusing for other people surely (which is what some posters are suggesting), and again the suggestion you should nip it in the bud as you would if a child was refusing to go to the dentist for example is nuts - they aren't being naughty ffs, they are expressing their feelings, which are perfectly valid!

I have a step-dad, who I call by his name, but he came into my life when I was 11. Had I been younger I don't doubt I would have wanted to call him Dad (and I often refer to him as 'Dad' when speaking about him to other people). I do call his Mum 'Grandma Mary', and my DD will call him Gramps. No confusion here!

I think it's appalling to allow your kids to call their stepfather Dad. How would most women like it if a stepmother was called Mummy? Completely disrespectful of the parental relationship. It really bugs me; I don't care how much women or men dislike their exes, don't degrade the parental relationship. And I don't think it's at all relevant what the kids think, because (rightly) they have no idea of the emotional charge behind it. It's creating a problem where none need exist, and causes even more hurt between child and parent and other parent.

Behind your DSIS 100%. It is not a child-centred thing to do, because it causes emotional problems that could be avoided and extra conflict and hurt. In any split, there are plenty of issues already.

Sorry, phrased that too strongly. I just get upset when parents don't think about the feelings of people they dislike (completely understandably and very human) even though that conflict harms their kids. I have seen so many people split and their anger towards one another colours absolutely everything for their kids, for years.

A stepparent can be amazing in a child's life. But not, and never, a parent. Your kids have a dad, and that role should be respected IMO. I doubt many women would like a stepmother called Mummy, either.

your job is to do whats best for your children not to save your exs feelings

Except that what is almost certainly best for the children is not to be at the centre of a dispute over who gets to be called Dad.

At 5 and flipping 8 it absolutely should not be their choice!!

Do they rule the roost over every decision because 'they Want to'.... awful! Just awful. I suspect you encourage it op, a nice little family set up with a real 'mum and dad'. Rather than the truth.

Bobbledunk I think you are being waaaaay overly harsh. It i just not fair to say she sounds like a terrible mother based on this one thread. I'm not in agreement with Stepdad becoming Dad but she does sounds like a much better parent than bio Dad.

And also step parents can very much be 'real' parents.

bobbledunk, that is quite one of the nastiest posts I have ever read here, and I say that as someone who agrees that the OP is being completely unreasonable. It's pitiful to think you should talk to someone in that manner, and as to pitying the OP's kids? Well, as far as I know she doesn't call strangers "nasty cunt" on the internet, so she has a head start on you.

Good grief, bobbledunk, that's way over the top! What a shameful and nasty tirade! And I'm another one who thinks that the OP is being unreasonable.

Yes, sorry that post was rude and harsh, op reminded me of someone who did serious harm to a very good friend of mine by trying to alienate him from his children, getting them to call her new dh 'dad' and doing everything she could to hurt him. She drove him to suicide. Sorry for the post, the contempt expressed for the father made me see red.

Thats awful bobbledunk, although I think OP is bein U I don't think she is being nasty or that she sounds like a terrible mother at all. What a disgusting thing to say.

No, tell them they have a dad already and must call him 'dad.'

But she's not getting them to call him dad . They asked to call him dad. He's the person that they have known doing "dad" things with them for most of their lives. They're still calling their "bio-dad" Dad if I understand correctly.

Their bio-dad seems to be the one dictating things and not allowing them to do things around him.

A friend of mine's father died recently. I was surprised as I hadn't realised that her dad - the person she talked about helping her out with things - had been ill. Turned out that it was her bio-dad that had died. The person she was proud to call dad was her step-father.

I'm with the OP on this. Initially I thought it was a bad idea, given that the children's bio dad is a part of their lives. Then I read the post about how he could have more access and be more involved, but chooses not to. That being the case, he has no right imo to complain that another man has stepped up and is doing every day what he should be doing.

I also think it's significant that the OP wants to have a baby with her new dh. It will be terribly sad for the children to be told not to call their step dad 'dad', but the new baby will obviously do so. I think it's divisive in a family where the dc are already calling him dad. It may be different if they'd never done so, but to change it now would be wrong and would make them feel separate from any new child.

purely based on circumstances i have come across i think yabu.

as a child i had a step parent adoption so i had the perfect right to call my step parent dad my bio dad died before i was born, my mum and him where togather many years now he has a new wife who feels her children with him are proper and we arnt. my brothers and sisters and i feel like we lost our dad.last time we spoke over 5 years ago his wife decided to ask me if i saw anything of my real dad, this really upset me because he is my real dad.

as a kinda step parent have 2 previous marriges both involving children that where not mine the first lasted many years and his kids where quite young and for about half the relationship lived in my house, the second they where older.not a chance would i have let any of them call me mum.equally as such i wouldnt let or encourage any of mine to call anybody who wasnt mum or dad that.

i recently attended a birthday party of a 7yo child also in attendance was her stepdad and dad stepdad was called daddy her real dad was called daddyfred (obviously not fred but you get the idea) child was directly asked by peers why she was calling 'that man' daddy (her real dad) and she said 'hes my dad' que strange looks from her friends and a bit of teasing child ended up in tears. it was very upseting her real dad who i know well didnt show he was hurt by this but we talked about it later and he finds it very hurtfull.

if a parent is involved in a childs life then imho to call another person by that parents title (meaning mum/dad) is wrong.

i have a step dad as my mum remarried after her divorce they have been togather ever since i call him by his first name my children do call him grandad as they have only known him as a grandad they have never even met my adopted dad but i do know that should he pass away or part company with my mum he has taken certain steps to make sure that my kids will be included in things just the same as if they where his actual gp.

i reckon why i feel the way i do about it is i have seen it backfire so many times when people do it fwiw im certain none of my kids have ever even asked if they could or should because we dont encourge that sort of thing your dads you dad and thats that no matter how much i loathe him.