Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow my children to call their stepdad Dad?

125 replies

toatyweequean · 20/08/2012 12:04

Well, as it says above. They asked if they could call DP Dad over 1 1/2 yr ago, and have done so since at their own request I might add. I have always said that they should call DP whatever they feel most comfortable with, whether that be by his first name, dad, or whatever else they come up with. DP and I have been together for 4 years, all 4 of us live together as a family and DP and I are getting married in December. They see their natural father (my XH) once or twice a month, who apparently tells them they are not allowed to call DP Dad as he is their "Only Dad". They are aged 8 and 5.

Whilst speaking to DSIS today, she floored me by telling me that she and her husband find the whole thing confusing as she never knows who the children are talking about, that she would not have allowed this and that basically I should'nt have allowed it either.

Opinions?

OP posts:
SuoceraBlues · 20/08/2012 12:28

I'm not really interested in how XH feels about it (although would not make this apparent to the kids), my DC are my main priority

Of course it is going to be apparent to them. Lip service is not super effective camofluague for actions that point to the opposite.

If your DC are your main prioity then perhaps it would be better to actively support a warm, untroubled relationship with their father rather than not. Not for his sake, but for the sake of your children.

mishymashy · 20/08/2012 12:30

Your Ex is their dad, your DP isnt.

Wrong, wrong, wrong. If you go on and have more children with DP then split up who do you think he will pay maintenance for and ask for access to, chances are it wont be the stepkids. They will be relegated back to 'step status'.

I have seen this so many times now that i cringe when someone allows the kids to do this as its always the non bio children who get hurt if the next relationship fails.

I'm not in anyway saying your relationship will split up but who knows what the future holds. Blended families are a lot of hard work at the best of times.

Your kids have a Dad and the added bonus of a great stepdad, why upset the Bio Dad.

pinkdelight · 20/08/2012 12:30

YABVU. It would be very different if their real dad wasn't on the scene, but it sounds like he very much is. The fact that he sees them a couple of times a month whilst your DP lives with them is inevitable as presumably you are their primary carer and wanted custody of them, so of course your DP is there to do the day-to-day stuff. But that doesn't mean that he becomes 'dad'. As many others have asked, and not been answered, how would you like being usurped as their mum? It's pretty hurtful, isn't it? And you should care how XH feels - because he is their DAD and that matters!

Pseudo341 · 20/08/2012 12:33

I'd try explaining to them about how it will upset their father but I wouldn't stop them calling DH Dad, I'd leave it up to them. I don't think it's fair to force a 5 year old and an 8 year old to alter their behaviour to avoid upsetting separated parents feelings. You and their father chose to separate and they have to deal with it somehow, if having calling two people Dad is how they deal with it I'd let them get on with it.

crashdoll · 20/08/2012 12:35

They can still love and respect your DH without calling him Dad. I'm not sure why you asked since you've clearly already made your decision.

fluffyraggies · 20/08/2012 12:37

OP has said she wouldnt be bothered if her X's partner was to be called 'mum'.

I'm surprised about the strength of feeling against this tbh. I'm interested in this because i have 3DCs by an exH and have now remarried. Ex is barely interested in his kids. DH is in their lives every day and has been for 5 years now. My DCs are old enough to not need to be calling someone 'daddy' every day. I can see how smaller children would find that ... a comfortable natural thing to do though.

I think it's :( that they can't because of adult politics.

lunar1 · 20/08/2012 12:37

YABVU, they have a dad, they asked to call their stepdad dad because they are young children and needed a name to connect to him. You should have given him a significant title for them to call him, but using dad is disrespectful.

My dad was a bastard and my stepdad is a wonderful man, but i was encouraged to call stepdad dad by my mum as she subtly tried to remove any significance he had on my life. I was a very confused and distressed teenager because of this behavior and i would say it ruined a good 8 years of my life.

I would have made the choice to call my stepdad dad myself when i was old enough to understand the situation, but i was manipulated into it as a child by my mum.

You children are not lod enough to make an informed choice and their actual dad is an active part of their lives

squoosh · 20/08/2012 12:38

I wouldn't call it 'politics'. I think it's more 'political' to encourage a child to call their stepdad 'Dad' as of course a small child won't know that this would hurt their bio Dad.

lunar1 · 20/08/2012 12:40

old not lod!

fluffyraggies · 20/08/2012 12:41

Yes. Yes i agree that i wouldn't encourage it or initiate it. I would feel rotton about disallowing it though. If it were the children's idea i mean.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 20/08/2012 12:44

YABU your ex has expressed that he doesn't like the DC calling your new bloke dad. It has nothing to do with ego imo. I'd hate my children to call some other woman mum. This should have been something you talked about with your ex to how he felt before giving your DC the go ahead to call their stepdad dad. Possibly to late now though.

Obviously if their dad and fecked off and they never saw him/heard a word from him for the past few years there really isn't a problem, but their actual dad is in their lives so yes his feelings do matter.

BlackberryIce · 20/08/2012 12:45

Setting yourself up for problems later on by blurring the boundaries here

Horrible and shabby. Since when do an 8 and 5 year old get a say in something like this?

NewlyMintedPeasant · 20/08/2012 12:47

My step kids call me Mum in public, but my name in private. I think they want to avoid constantly explaining the set up to strangers/ school etc. Kids don't like being different and it's seems like it'd be a huge rejection to tell them to stop. They sometimes though don't see their Mum for years on end so less confusion, and I presume they don't tell her on skype/ the phone.

It can be embarrassing as DH had eldest at 19 and I'm 5 yrs younger...

bouncychair · 20/08/2012 12:47

I don't think you are BU at all. My parents divorced when I was 6 and both remarried by the time I was 11. My brothers and I call my step-dad 'Dad' and have done since before they got married - I think it originally came about because my mum wanted us to call him Dad. I've never asked my biological Dad how he felt about it but we have always seen him once a week since the divorce and I have a very close relationship with him now.

It does get confusing when talking to others about my Dad as they are never sure who I am talking about but my brothers and I just say 'Bio-Dad' or 'Step-Dad' when people ask.

But if XH is upset about it, it might be worth talking to DC to explain why. Ultimately I think it is up to your DC what they call the people in their life.

NarkedRaspberry · 20/08/2012 12:47

I think YABVU. At the age of 7 and 4 (when they asked) it was up to you to suggest another name. Being realistic, if DP could walked out tomorrow he would never have to see them again. He's not their father. I'm sure he's lovely and a great with them, but they only have one Dad and they are in contact with him.

pinkdelight · 20/08/2012 12:49

Fluffy - this
"Ex is barely interested in his kids."
is the big difference, see? If ex is not in the DCs life, then maybe it's fair enough that the DP becomes dad. But that is not the case with the OP. The dad is interested, so it's a completely different scenario.
Also agree that it's no good calling this the kids' decision. They are too young to know what a big deal it is. Their parents should give them fair guidance. Both parents - i.e. their mum and (biological) dad. If the latter has strong and justifiable feelings, it's no good the mum saying well the kids want something else and I don't care how it makes you feel. It's really not on. And I don't believe for a moment that she wouldn't care if she heard her DC calling another woman 'mummy'. Not for a moment.

Original poster
toatyweequean · 20/08/2012 12:51

You may find this hard to believe, but I didn't allow them to do this out of malice towards my EX. If they asked to do something inappropriate like stay up to midnight, of course I would not allow it. I honestly just did not view this as inappropriate.. As I already said, my DD was only 1 when we met and has had no experience or memory of her father and I being together. She lives with DP and he is the male figure in our family unit. She sees her Dad for 6 hours once or twice a month. This is my XH choice, he could have far more access if he so wished but he doesn't. Perhaps if he was more involved and a bigger part of their lives they would not have asked. Then again maybe they would. But they did ask, I have never and would never make them call DP Dad.

OP posts:
helenthemadex · 20/08/2012 12:51

much as I loathe my ex I would not want my dd's calling my dp 'dad', the only exception to this would be if they had not had a relationship with their father, or not seen their father for years and they choose to call dp dad.

It just doesn't feel right to do this when their biological father is actively involved in their lives, and seems to me like the ultimate insult

threeleftfeet · 20/08/2012 12:55

If he's their dad on a day-to-day basis and they want to call him Dad, then why shouldn't they?

The reality of the situation is that he is their dad. Why shouldn't the DCs be allowed to call the man who they live with, who looks after then when they're ill, takes them to football etc etc "Dad" if they want to?

I can understand the ex getting annoyed, I suspect it stems from insecurity about his role in their lives - but do you know what, he's an adult, he should get over himself.

The DC's needs are much more important that some idea of exclusivity over a name. The ex is their biological dad. Nothing can change that. Their relationship is whatever it is, and it will make no difference if the children call someone else "Dad" as well or not!

And it's very unfair of him to tell them they mustn't use the name, they could feel very conflicted.

Treblesallround · 20/08/2012 12:56

Well OP, you know now that it's inappropriate because the childrens' father has told them that it is. So you need to back him up and tell the children that it's wrong, and why.

BlackberryIce · 20/08/2012 12:58

One of the problems is if you and your dp ever split...... Then 'dad' goes, with no requirement to pay child maintenance and no access rights..... Nothing. It will be like he never existed with no legal ties. Unlike bio dad.

It's wrong.

fluffyraggies · 20/08/2012 13:00

So does your son now call your ex's partner 'mum' then OP? You said he had asked if you'd mind. If so - have you mentioned this to your ex. He cant be moaning about your kids calling your partner 'dad' if his GF is being called 'mum'.

I can see that if there is a Dad on the scene then calling the step dad 'dad' is a tricky one.

threeleftfeet · 20/08/2012 13:00

Why is it wrong? I don't get it?! This man is effectively their dad on a day to day basis.

If they split up, they will have lost their "dad" no matter what they call him!!

threeleftfeet · 20/08/2012 13:01

A friend of mine was adopted and has reconciled with his birth dad as an adult.

He calls them both dad.

Original poster
toatyweequean · 20/08/2012 13:02

No trebles, I don't know it's wrong, I know you think it's wrong. There is a difference. I asked for opinions, to which I am grateful to have received them. At no point did I ask to be dictated to by you.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread