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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To allow my children to call their stepdad Dad?

125 replies

toatyweequean · 20/08/2012 12:04

Well, as it says above. They asked if they could call DP Dad over 1 1/2 yr ago, and have done so since at their own request I might add. I have always said that they should call DP whatever they feel most comfortable with, whether that be by his first name, dad, or whatever else they come up with. DP and I have been together for 4 years, all 4 of us live together as a family and DP and I are getting married in December. They see their natural father (my XH) once or twice a month, who apparently tells them they are not allowed to call DP Dad as he is their "Only Dad". They are aged 8 and 5.

Whilst speaking to DSIS today, she floored me by telling me that she and her husband find the whole thing confusing as she never knows who the children are talking about, that she would not have allowed this and that basically I should'nt have allowed it either.

Opinions?

OP posts:

helenthemadex · 20/08/2012 13:04

children want to do many things at 5 and 8, it doesn't mean we have to let them.

Them wanting to call the new dp 'dad' is not necessary, so as with many things we don't allow our children to do an explanation as to why it is not appropriate and how hurtful it will be to their biological father. The DP may be there now but he wasn't always there, there 'dad' has always been there, he may now have a more limited role in their lives but he is still there

BlackberryIce · 20/08/2012 13:05

Do they call his extended family gran, grandad, cousins etc as well?

Treblesallround · 20/08/2012 13:06

It's not me that says it's wrong toaty, it's their father. He presumably has a right to have his views taken into account and respected?

threeleftfeet · 20/08/2012 13:07

The father has a right to have his views taken into account. That doesn't mean he has a right to dictate.

threeleftfeet · 20/08/2012 13:09

To clarify - by "taken into account" I don't mean you need to do what he says necessarily!

The most important thing here is the DCs. Not the pride of grown adults.

rebelwithoutababy · 20/08/2012 13:13

Wow toaty sorry for the pasting you're getting here! Sounds to me like you've done really well with your children in that they have a good relationship with both your XH and your current partner...
I think if your DCs want to call your DP "Dad" that makes total sense: he is there every day and does all the things that they understand a "Dad" to do, just like all their friends' Dads. There is no reason for them not to call both men "Dad" and I'm sure, as young children, they mean absolutely no disrespect to their biological father, it just makes more sense to them in their world, and is probably a lot easier for them.
As the adult, I think your XH will just need to come to terms with this. I can see why it would be hurtful that they are calling another man "Dad", but the children should be able to use terms they are comfortable with, in what can be a confusing situation for them (obviously within reason!). I also disagree that this is an example of bad parenting in terms of boundaries/discipline. Good luck!

Treblesallround · 20/08/2012 13:14

I don't think he's trying to dictate, it's a situation where one of the parents will get what they want and one won't. To me, the fact that the childrens' father objects should be enough for the op to get them to stop it

prettybird · 20/08/2012 13:14

YANBU - they asked, you didn't encourage them. If that's how they feel - and the role he performs towards them, then it would be cruel to stop them.

You're not prohibiting them from calling their bio-dad "Dad". It's really up to them.

BlackberryIce · 20/08/2012 13:15

Your new partner is cool with this alienation is he?

Original poster

toatyweequean · 20/08/2012 13:16

Thanks Helen for your opinion. As I have already said, I didn't view it as inappropriate. DP may not have always been there but he has been there for 50% of DS's life and 80% of DD's. This is compared with 6-8 hrs once or twice a month with XH. I don't really think this counts as "Always being there". I am not someone who picks up a random bloke and takes him home to my kids expecting them to call him Daddy. DP and I are in a long term committed relationship, and will be married in less than 6 months. Hopefully, if we are lucky enough we may even have a child together one day. My opinion may differ to some other people on here but I don't think that makes me a bad mum or a bad person.

OP posts:

SuoceraBlues · 20/08/2012 13:17

OP has said she wouldn't be bothered if her X's partner was to be called 'mum'

In theory. And it's not necessarily a well considered (with much soul searching) stance, given that claiming "not bothered" supports the action she currently wishes to justify.

The strength of feeling may be in some part because the now grown children of divorced parents can be quite sensitive to the sub conscious (and fully conscious) manipulations and unacknowledged politics of divorced adults who have a very human capacity to utilise their children's malleability and suggestibility in order to justify their desire to hurt an ex whilst placing the "blame" for any hurtful actions on small people, who are at risk of taking on a pawn like appearance.

The question parents need to ask themselves is quite simple. Regardless of all other considerations, does this have the capacity to backfire on my children and cause them first hand/second hand hurt, loss, sadness, stress or confusion?

In this case, yes it most certainly does. An element of contention and conflict has reared its ugly head. The children cannot be shielded from this because they have been shoved in the centre as the "instigators of discord". You can't place them in centre stage of creating conflict in their relationship with their father AND between their mother and father, and then claim they are going to be unaffected by the outcomes.

A less contentious alternative term, (like pops, pa etc.) that reflects the step father's important role in their life without stepping on their father's toes, is an option and easy to get the children to pick up with consistent modelling. If that reasonable alternative is rejected by the adults involved you have to wonder to what their motivations really are. The OP has left enough clues in her posts to indicate that she might feel that her ex's dimished importance to his children is his own fault, and he is thus getting what he deserves while at the same time step dad is due credit. If that is the case it might be colouring her view and leaving her less able to fully consider the potential short and long term fall out for her kids.

OhDearNigel · 20/08/2012 13:18

If your DH performs the Dad role and this is what the children want to call him I really don't think that it is the OPs ExH's choice.
At the end of the day your DH is their Dad. Being a Dad is about more than genetics.

Viviennemary · 20/08/2012 13:19

I suppose it's up to the individual family. But unless the biological father has absolutely no contact at all, I don't think it's a good idea. Too many hurt feelings. And totally unfair on the biological parent who still is involved in their child's life.

Original poster

toatyweequean · 20/08/2012 13:20

Sorry blackberry, I don't follow? Who am I alienating?

OP posts:

threeleftfeet · 20/08/2012 13:22

"At the end of the day your DH is their Dad. Being a Dad is about more than genetics"

Exactly.

Treblesallround · 20/08/2012 13:22

Great post Suocera

CinnabarRed · 20/08/2012 13:24

If you and your DP are "Mum & Dad" and your XH and his DP are also "Mum & Dad", doesn't it get incredibly confusing for everyone?

bubby64 · 20/08/2012 13:25

When we were younger we had DadDave(DStepD) and DadJohn(Natural Dad), and also Mum and RosieMum(Stepmum). This was how we started to call them, and everyone else just followed suit!

threeleftfeet · 20/08/2012 13:29

Oh yes, my friend does that. She calls both her natural and step-dad "dad" when they're there, but attaches their names when she's talking about them.

Would that work OP?

Original poster

toatyweequean · 20/08/2012 13:33

Suocera, you are completely right. I do think that it's XH own fault and i do think that DP deserves credit. I would bet most people would feel the same if they had to sit and watch their children cry when Daddy doesn't turn up/doesn't phone when he says he will/doesn't bother buying a birthday present and all the other crappy things he has done to them. But that does not mean that I would use my children to get at him. There is nothing in this world I would not do for my children, I sit and defend and make excuses for the b*stard on the afore mentioned situations to try and make the kids feel better. But I'm still the crap manipulating parent because I let my kids call my DP dad?

OP posts:

NervousAt20 · 20/08/2012 13:33

I think if it's what your DCs want then it's up to them who they call dad and as long as they understand then I don't think it's anyone else's business

OhDearNigel · 20/08/2012 13:38

I can't really believe the responses you're getting OP. Usually the feelings of absent fathers aren't held in high esteem on this site so Im astonished that so many people seem to be coming out in favour of your ExH.

If he's voluntarily relinquished the Dad role I can't see he's got much to complain about. It seems to me that this is about more than semantics. Whether your children call your DP "Dad", "Bob" or "Raving green monster" it will not change his role or their love for them.

Mrbojangles1 · 20/08/2012 13:41

Personally to all those who say how would you like it to the op i say if he real"dad" is doing his job well the chikdren wont want to call any one else dad this usually comes about when the non resident parent is lacking

My son has called his step dad "dad" since he was 7 my ex hasnt had regular conatct for aout 10 years my son is 13

Its up to the children in my view i think its highly damaging to tell a child nit to call somone by a certain name because it mya offend somone else if a child feels that a person is as good as their dad or grandad its up to them the same way i would never force a child to call my dad granddad because he is uselss and if my dad wants the title then he should sodding well be a better grand dad

Go ahead op your job is to do whats best for your children not to save your exs feelings

If he disent like it he needs to work harder at being a better father

griphook · 20/08/2012 13:43

My ss used to call his step dad dad, over the years he used to get so confused he ended up using the term real Dad and not real Dad. Which I thought was quite sad. Ss saw a lot of his dad and live with sd since a very young age.

OhDearNigel · 20/08/2012 13:43

If he disent like it he needs to work harder at being a better father

This. 12 hours a month doesn't exactly make Dad of the Year in my book

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