To allow my children to call their stepdad Dad?

[toatyweequean]

Well, as it says above. They asked if they could call DP Dad over 1 1/2 yr ago, and have done so since at their own request I might add. I have always said that they should call DP whatever they feel most comfortable with, whether that be by his first name, dad, or whatever else they come up with. DP and I have been together for 4 years, all 4 of us live together as a family and DP and I are getting married in December. They see their natural father (my XH) once or twice a month, who apparently tells them they are not allowed to call DP Dad as he is their "Only Dad". They are aged 8 and 5.

Whilst speaking to DSIS today, she floored me by telling me that she and her husband find the whole thing confusing as she never knows who the children are talking about, that she would not have allowed this and that basically I should'nt have allowed it either.

Opinions?

My view is if you snooze you loose and dont deserve to have the title why should somone who pays, loves, is their for the chikd in every day be kept as "stepdad" title lest the feckless dad be put out

If I ever settle down again I know it would hurt my ExH hugely if my children called my new partner their Dad. My ExH see's the kids regularly and does his best.

I have a friend who's wife had an affair and kicked him out to shack up with the new man and within weeks was asking the kids to call her new partner Dad That is obviously very different from your circumstances but it distressed him hugely and was obviously quite upsetting for the kids too, as they often rang him as they found it all very confusing and upsetting.

I think if the real father is never around, that is an entirely different matter, I have a step brother, who's the eldest and his Dad just went off, as soon as he discovered my mum was pregnant. My Dad has been the real father to my brother, not his biological one who has seen him once since born I believe.

Gosh this is quite a ramble. Perhaps what I am saying is that it isn't cut and dried.

This is why I do not post in AIBU, I'm not succinct enough

great post Suocera

toatyweequean I know exactly what you mean and where you are coming from with it being xh fault re the lack of contact and that dp deserves credit, but it's far more complex than that and could cause a lot of damage to your dc the very people you want to do the best for. An alternative special name for your dp that you all decide together sounds like the best way to go, this respects what he does for your children and at the same time respects your xh

I loathe my ex, I dont think he deserves to be called a 'dad' by anyone, to me sperm donor would be a far more appropriate term but he is and always will be my dd's dad

I've seen it work well in other families where the step dad is called "Daddy Joe" (or whatever) or "Joe Dad", and the bio-dad is just called Daddy or Dad. And same with Mums - "Sarah Mum or "Mummy Sarah" for the stepmum, Mummy or Mum for bio-Mum. And that has extended to the grandparents - so "Granny Sue", etc.

So maybe that could be something that will make everything easier all round - you could ask your DS and DD if they would be happy doing that (maybe you could say "so we know who's who" rather than "so you don't hurt Dad's feelings", so as not to make them feel bad for their own valid wishes to give their step dad a name other than "Joe"). Also, if your ExH does get together with someone else then they have a model for what to call her - I know you said that you wouldn't mind, but I think if my DS wanted to call another woman Mum, as much as I would try to understand I would feel a bit tbh!!

I think the main thing here is that their dad is upset by it. I do not believe that most mums would be happy about their child calling someone else mum however much they protest that they would.

I think that when they first asked you should have explained that they already have a dad and maybe you could together think of a special name for them to call their step dad.

The fact that you have already ageed thats it is ok makes it much harder to change now so its probably just best to leave it - and get them to add the dads name when they are talking about them to other people.

YABU

It is hugely disrespectful, regardless of the circumstances.

Thanks for all the posts, I appreciate you taking the time to give your views. Whilst my own opinions may be different to some of you, it's good to see what others think even if I did get flamed in the process!

There is nothing in this world I would not do for my children

Except swiftly sidestep an evident hot spot of contention asap on the basis that they have had enough conflict and upset to contend with in thier short lives as it is and any avoidable crap should be blown out of the water before it happens.

I don't think you are a crap mum. I think you are a human mum with most
likely much rightous anger on her kids' behalf. I'd guess that you've watched him hurt/minimise the needs of your children, and want perhaps him to see that he is reaping what he sowed. And I doubt many would blame you for feeling that way and being tempted to let him live with the consequences of his actions.

But if your kids are the bullets, and at risk of sharpnel to boot....is it worth it ?

I have a stepdad who came into our lives when I was 4. I always called him by his first name. My Mum and I looking back, wished my sister and I had called him Dad. My DS calls him Grandad.

I think it's up to the children but I can see why your ex is upset. The issue being that he is upset by it I would therefore explain to your children and have them call their step dad something else. To do otherwise I think is disrespectful of his opinion and they are still pretty young.

I used to call my stepdad 'dad' - my mam moved in with him when i was 2 and i distinctly remember as a child being ignored unless i called him dad. I had a good relationship with him on the whole but still had regular contact with my bio-dad. I remember growing up feeling so awkward in conversation with my bio-dad if i used 'dad' to describe my step-dad - the room would fall silent, though he never said anything to me i know it hurt him. Going back and given the choice i wouldnt have called my step-dad 'dad' - it was horrible seeing my real dads face so crushed everytime i slipped up. It also, like others have said, made it very confusing in other conversations because no-one knew who i was talking about.

Op, you didnt say what your dc call step dads family? Are they all gran, cousins etc too?

You will have to explain to your dc that this 'dad' they live with will have no rights to sign school forms, input with medical stuff etc, whilst the other dad does.... Make sure they don't get mixed up or confused won't you!

Dont listen to them op i would take more notice of people who are actally in step familes and this thing of a special name is stupid

those who are saying you only have one dad need to have a rethink

Adoption any one foster carers any one surragots any one

Like i sadi in a eailer post is the simple fact is if your are doing your job a child will not want to call any one else dad and to all those who say you wouldnt like if if child called somone else mum its highly unlikey unless your a really poor parent

The only instance i heard of chikdren calling somone else mum is in cases were the mum has done a moonlight flit and the child is being raised by somone else
Eg foster carer ,garndma or new wife

And i dont care what any one on here says i find it very hard to belive that a child over the age of 5 would want to call somone elese dad if their own father was being 100%

FWIW, my DCs call my step dad "Grandpa Joe" - because I call him Joe rather than Dad. It works well for us. That said, my Mum met my step dad when I was 18, and as a widow - so there was no uncomfortableness with my father.

My niece also calls her step-dad 'dad' -her 'real' dad died when she was little and she has no clue about him. She thinks her stepdad IS her dad - brewing up trouble for the future i think. If her mum had insisted on her knowing the truth from the beginning then we wouldnt all be holding our breathe for the inevitable kickoff when she discovers the truth. She actually called her stepdad 'dad' before her dad died. I understand her mums reasoning but i think its just delayed the trauma and now cant imagine how crushed shes gonna be when she finds out.

"Suocera, you are completely right. I do think that it's XH own fault and i do think that DP deserves credit. I would bet most people would feel the same if they had to sit and watch their children cry when Daddy doesn't turn up/doesn't phone when he says he will/doesn't bother buying a birthday present and all the other crappy things he has done to them."

But I think you're missing Suocera's point about the bigger picture / longer term situation here.

Of course you're all set to marry your DP now and I wish you well. But presumably back when you only had one DC, your ex was a good enough dad/DH for you to want another DC with him. Back then, you would have felt that he deserved credit. Now you don't and now your admiration is for your DP.

That could change. Hopefully it won't, but experience must show you that these feelings are changeable and may change. If you and your DP don't last, would your DC still call him dad? Or their biological dad? Or a new DP? For something this fundamental, you can't not think these things through and use some perspective, sorry.

Blackberry this is not true at all my oh has step parent pr which can be got very somply at the court house as long as you are married and you dont need exs permission either

We got our our the day after we got married

www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=step%20parent%20pr&source=web&cd=2&ved=0CFUQFjAB&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.direct.gov.uk%2Fprod_consum_dg%2Fgroups%2Fdg_digitalassets%2F%40dg%2F%40en%2Fdocuments%2Fdigitalasset%2Fdg_181743.pdf&ei=3TkyUIauN6fI0QXutIHoDA&usg=AFQjCNHrfTR2JsvjindjDUZWyGs9sHOrpQ

If fact the only people that have a issue with it is exs family and i say tuff

My childs happiness means more to them than theirs

I think it is a very grey area and there are no specific rights or wrongs, you do what feels right for you at the time.

My DP raised my DS1 from 6 months of age (now age 3) and DS1 calls my DP 'daddy' something he started doing without any encouragement and so we have let it be, his real Dad does not have contact because I won't allow it, however if his real Dad was on the scene I personally think it would be wrong of me to allow it but at the same time part of me thinks that if the child wanted to he/she should have a choice so its a tough one, I know if my DS2 wanted to call my Ex's DP Mum I would feel hurt by it but if it was his choice and what he wanted then I suppose I would just have to deal with that.

My DP's kids (8 & 10) have asked several times over the last 18 months if they can call me Mum which I am flattered by however I will not allow it because their Mum is deceased and I feel it would be disrespectful to her memory, they are also very close to their Mum's parents and I know it would deeply offend them, something I have no desire to do.

My ds's dad sees him once a year and barely bothers with him in the meantime. He calls my DH by his first name, always has done, although when talking about him to others refers to him as "my dad".

Ds2 will be born soon, obviously he will call DH dad. If ds1 wants to follow suit it's up to him, he's 11 and more than capable of making the decision. If his bio dad doesn't like it then maybe he should have made a bit more effort to live up to the name.

Op, your kids see their bio dad regularly and I can understand why it's upsetting for him. On the other hand if kids want to do something (maybe to fit in with their peers?) I don't think you can tell them they're not allowed to call their step dad "dad" too.

Am I the only one here who finds it it rather strange that your little lad would ask if he is allowed to refer to your XH's partner as "Mum" when he (presumably) only sees the woman for 6 hours a month?

In general, I don't approve of DC calling their step-parents "Mum" or "Dad".

There are certain circumstances where I think it is acceptable, such as when a step-father has raised a child from birth or very early on, and the biological father has no interest in the child.

I have to say YABU, as it doesn't sound as if this applies in your case.