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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about alcohol, or is DH?

264 replies

WaveringButterfly · 08/08/2012 14:59

Have name-changed for this but am a regular(ish) poster.

I like a glass of wine in the evening after the children have gone to bed. Every single night. Sometimes a glass and a half. Very occasionally a two-glass blowout. They?re only 200ml glasses so we?re not talking about crazy quantities of booze. I?ve been like this since before I met DH, so it?s not as though he should be surprised.

The thing is, he doesn?t like it. He thinks I drink too much. He secretly monitored how much I was drinking and claimed that it was nearly one-and-a-half times the recommended amount for women. I don?t think it?s quite that much but even if it is, it?s my frickin? liver, not his. He went away and Googled about the damaging effects of drinking even slightly more than recommended levels, and has tried to persuade me to read some articles he found. I said no thanks.

It?s driving me nuts. Although he rarely makes a remark about it at the moment, he can?t help letting slip the occasional comment which just makes it clear he?s still watching my every move around the wine bottle. He criticises me for buying cheap non-wonderful wine, but I?m doing this so that I?m not spending stupid amounts on the stuff, much as I?d love a decent Chablis every night. Unless he?s decided It?s A Special Night And We?re Going To Share A Bottle Of Wine, he will never offer to refill my glass if he?s drinking, even if we?ve got people over for dinner. We?ve got completely separate wine because he buys good stuff for himself. (He doesn?t drink very much.)

I just wish we could be relaxed about having a drink ? do things like offering to pour each other a glass if one of us has had a hard day. I wish I could go to the fridge without feeling monitored. It?s got to the stage where I quite like it when he?s out for the evening because I can relax about having a drink. I don?t drink any more than usual when he?s out, but I can enjoy my glass of wine without being judged or monitored. We?re not an especially couply couple if that makes sense (NOBODY would ever accuse us of being joined at the hip) so it really rankles that he tries to control this one thing.

OP posts:
PomBearWithAnOFRS · 08/08/2012 15:04

Have you had it out with him? I'm not even going to mention how much you drink, it's your business, you're a grown up and are quite capable of deciding how much, and when, you drink. Maybe your DH has forgotten this? If you don't tell him how much he is pissing you off, and that it's starting to sour your view of him , he wont know though. Sounds like a good talk could be the thing.
I hate wine Grin so if I had any at all DH would think I'd been body snatched, but we drink way way more than "the guidelines" - we acknowledge it though, and we don't judge each other, or make any excuses or bones about it to or for each other. It would be that constant feeling of being watched and judged and spied on that would piss me right off in your position!

FermezLaBouche · 08/08/2012 15:05

He's not being fair on you. The amount you drink is NOT excessive, it really isn't. It's not like you're necking bottles of the stuff that jumping in the car like people I unfortunately know. Alcohol is one of those funny, taboo-type subjects with some people and it's a real shame, as you say, it creates such an awkward feeling between the pair of you. Quite shocked he buys the decent stuff for himself like that.

FermezLaBouche · 08/08/2012 15:05

*then, not that

danteV · 08/08/2012 15:11

I can understand hating the feeling of being watched. But, imo, you are drinking alot. Its all well and good saying 'its my business' however, as your dh he will be worried about the damage its doing to your body, because he wants a long happy life.
Personally I would be concerned if dh was drinking every night and he would be concerned if it was me.

KellyElly · 08/08/2012 15:11

One glass of wine is not an alcohol problem and is drinking in moderation. I think he's treating you like a child. Have you told him how you feel?

BadgersRetreatToOlympicVillage · 08/08/2012 15:12

is he your husband, or your dad? Jeez.

i think he's being totally over the top and should back off - that would really get on my nerves

wankpants · 08/08/2012 15:12

I think you drink too much.

wankpants · 08/08/2012 15:13

And what dante said.

BadgersRetreatToOlympicVillage · 08/08/2012 15:14

one or two glasses a day is within the 'guidelines' and is not drinking a lot

GhostShip · 08/08/2012 15:14

He's turning it into something it isn't, and now because of his behaviour it's turning into a 'sneaky little drink'. It shouldn't be like that, that's what's dangerous.

There's nothing wrong with what you're doing. You're an adult. A glass and a half in the evening is normal and a nice wind down treat.

He wants to stop judging you before he pushes yo away

lottiegb · 08/08/2012 15:16

You're drinking within govt guidelines though aren't you, no more than 14 units a week. Of course that figure is quite arbitrary anyway, 'oh, women are a bit smaller, let's say two thirds of the male figure'.

He is being rather odd. Two questions. What effect on you is he concerned about; long term health, addiction, lack of 'proper' restraint, unladylike behaviour? Why does this worry him? There must be something at the root of this, so that his idea of a 'nice wife' does not encompass drinking wine every day.

God help him if he was ever to live in France.

I think he needs to understand how uncomfortable his attitude is making you, explain his thinking, discuss and, if one or both of you can't compromise, agree to differ, dropping the ostructive behaviour.

wankpants · 08/08/2012 15:17

It's too much IMO Badger whatever the guidelines say and whether you agree with me or not. Alcohol is a drug. DH needing some everyday would worry me, and I'd worry he'd end up with a serious problem.

wankpants · 08/08/2012 15:17

I don't think it's normal to drink a glass and a half of wine every night. Maybe her DH doesn't either!

GhostShip · 08/08/2012 15:18

Well I do. :)

sugarice · 08/08/2012 15:18

Well I don't think you drink too much, a couple of glasses a night isn't a lot imo. He is making you feel guilty though which takes away the pleasure of the glass of wine, he's been googling too much. His attitude is wrong, doesn't offer to pour you a refill even when you have guests? how rude.

worldgonecrazy · 08/08/2012 15:19

Alcohol, in any amount, becomes a problem when you need to have it. It would definitely be better for your health to have a day or two a week with no alcohol at all, but the total amount you are drinking is reasonable. However, if you are at a stage where you need the wine to unwind, or start making excuses to yourself about why you need it, then you do have an issue.

Does he know that the "recommended units" was made up off the top of someone's head and has no scientific support, which is why there is so much discussion about what is a 'safe' amount to drink?

kim147 · 08/08/2012 15:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThreeWheelsGood · 08/08/2012 15:19

Have you considered asking your GP and responding to your DP's concerns armed with an informed perspective?

kim147 · 08/08/2012 15:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

noddyholder · 08/08/2012 15:21

It is a problem if you can't imagine a night without it. I do think at least 3 alcohol free nights a week is wise for health and in my case looks[vain]. He is treating you like a kid though which I would hate but would also hate a partner who drank every day

Del123 · 08/08/2012 15:22

A glass of wine a night is within the recommended guidelines and moderate drinkers have been shown to be healthier than tee-totalers.

I do think you need to have it out with him. Is he controlling in other areas or just with regards to drinking?

WkdSM · 08/08/2012 15:22

I guess part of the issue is whether you 'need' it or you 'want' it.

I would try having at least 2 days a week when you do not have the wine - this gives your liver a chance to recover a bit (apparently).

The goverment guidelines are quite arbitary (they have admitted as much) and not particularly based on any proven study.

I drink quite a bit - definetly more than the goverment guidelines - but I can stop at the drop of a hat and don't miss it.

I would be more worried if you are using it as an everyday way of coping with stress.

BlueBirdsNest · 08/08/2012 15:24

If someone close to you is worrying about your drinking it can often be an indicator that you are drinking more than is healthy for you, or more than you think you are

Can you maybe not drink 3 or 4 days out of the week ...i think that is recommended too

MNsFavouriteManHater · 08/08/2012 15:24

if you are being truthful about how much you drink, and whether you can afford it, your H sounds like an annoying twat

tell him to fuck off and mind his own

longjane · 08/08/2012 15:24

What happens when you dont have a drink?
or does not never happen

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