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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about alcohol, or is DH?

264 replies

WaveringButterfly · 08/08/2012 14:59

Have name-changed for this but am a regular(ish) poster.

I like a glass of wine in the evening after the children have gone to bed. Every single night. Sometimes a glass and a half. Very occasionally a two-glass blowout. They?re only 200ml glasses so we?re not talking about crazy quantities of booze. I?ve been like this since before I met DH, so it?s not as though he should be surprised.

The thing is, he doesn?t like it. He thinks I drink too much. He secretly monitored how much I was drinking and claimed that it was nearly one-and-a-half times the recommended amount for women. I don?t think it?s quite that much but even if it is, it?s my frickin? liver, not his. He went away and Googled about the damaging effects of drinking even slightly more than recommended levels, and has tried to persuade me to read some articles he found. I said no thanks.

It?s driving me nuts. Although he rarely makes a remark about it at the moment, he can?t help letting slip the occasional comment which just makes it clear he?s still watching my every move around the wine bottle. He criticises me for buying cheap non-wonderful wine, but I?m doing this so that I?m not spending stupid amounts on the stuff, much as I?d love a decent Chablis every night. Unless he?s decided It?s A Special Night And We?re Going To Share A Bottle Of Wine, he will never offer to refill my glass if he?s drinking, even if we?ve got people over for dinner. We?ve got completely separate wine because he buys good stuff for himself. (He doesn?t drink very much.)

I just wish we could be relaxed about having a drink ? do things like offering to pour each other a glass if one of us has had a hard day. I wish I could go to the fridge without feeling monitored. It?s got to the stage where I quite like it when he?s out for the evening because I can relax about having a drink. I don?t drink any more than usual when he?s out, but I can enjoy my glass of wine without being judged or monitored. We?re not an especially couply couple if that makes sense (NOBODY would ever accuse us of being joined at the hip) so it really rankles that he tries to control this one thing.

OP posts:

FermezLaBouche · 08/08/2012 15:56

Many people have suggested taking a day off drinking in order for the liver to recover. While I can see this as a necessity for people who perhaps drink a bottle a night, I don't see any massive need for someone who drinks the quantity the OP does. Roughly, for an average person, the liver takes an hour to break down a unit of alcohol. If she only drinks a glass or two, the alcohol should have left her system hours before she has another drink (assuming she has her wine at roughly the same time each evening.)

Avoiding booze for a day to appease her husband is a different issue and that's her choice whether she wants to go down that route.

booksinbed · 08/08/2012 15:57

lottie - what is it like in france ????must ask - do tell..

Original poster

WaveringButterfly · 08/08/2012 15:58

OP here. Can I just say thanks for responses so far. I've been reading but I can hear my youngest DS waking up now so need to dash. Will come back and read and respond later...

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 08/08/2012 16:01

The government guidelines are made up. They are BULLSHIT so will everyone stop whining and trying to do sums with them?

The H is being a controlling prick and I bet he's tiresome in other ways: the key indicator of this is that he refuses to refill the OP's glass in front of other people ie trying to humiliate her and control her in public. That's a bit of an abuse indicator.

Iactuallydothinkso · 08/08/2012 16:03

My separated husband drank at least 3 bottles of beer a night, far too much. I hated it. He wants to reconcile but actually it is such a big issue for me, he will have to take into account my feelings on this. He used it to escape, are you? If you can't go a night without drinking, there is a problem.

I understand where your husband is coming from, it's not a control issue. He says it because he is worried there is something wrong, you maybe don't want to talk about it, he sees you doing this every night and he doesn't like it. I didn't like it either.

You are going to need to talk to him honestly and come to a compromise you can both accept.

This is from experience. Ok it hasn't quite worked out but I absolutely hated my husband drinking every night. I'm not teetotal at all but it's an extreme.

I hope this helps.

noddyholder · 08/08/2012 16:04

Alcohol is dehydrating which affects every bit of you so it means you are waking up a bit groggy and slow every day. It is not good to drink daily.

CinnabarRed · 08/08/2012 16:04

Yup, I'm with SGB.

NarkedRaspberry · 08/08/2012 16:04

I did lovely sums with them . The most important part of the advice is to take a day (or more) off. I can see why the OP is annoyed and I would be too. I can see why her DH might be concerned and I would be too.

Has he got family members/close friends who have had drinking problems?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 08/08/2012 16:10

SGB has a point.

Health-wise, I believe that the odd alcohol-free day in a week is more important than drinking within the guidelines anyway.

It's possible you're drinking slightly more than is healthy, but really, is it his business? Would he monitor your intake of butter, or salt, or sugar, in this way?

It sounds as if he has issues with alcohol and/or control, because honestly, it isn't normal to respond like this to the amount you're talking about drinking. Does he never drink slightly more coffee or tea than he should? Exercise a little less than the guidelines? Have a croissant instead of wholegrain bread? Well, then he's not perfect either and he should recognize that. If he wouldn't be so prim over other minor indulgences he needs to think about why he minds about this one.

CailinDana · 08/08/2012 16:12

If my DH was sitting down and polishing off a big bar of chocolate every single night I would be just as quick to comment. Part of loving someone is trying to stop them from hurting themselves, although admittedly there's only so much you can do.

LeggyBlondeNE · 08/08/2012 16:14

What NarkedRaspberry said. Both posts.

There's no 'only' about a 200ml glass of wine. A 'standard' glass as per alcohol unit calculations used to be 125ml; we've just got used to 175/250mls in pubs! And wine's got a bit stronger.

As others have said, it's a problem if you can't go an evening or two without it.

My parents have a glass of wine most evenings and have done for as long as I've been old enough to be up after 9pm! But they can also just not have any without batting an eyelid.

FunnysInLaJardin · 08/08/2012 16:17

I would hate that. He sounds like he is trying to control you.

Numberlock · 08/08/2012 16:17

Fair point, solid, I've just re-read the original post:

Unless he?s decided It?s A Special Night

He secretly monitored how much I was drinking

makes it clear he?s still watching my every move around the wine bottle

He criticises me for buying cheap non-wonderful wine

I wish I could go to the fridge without feeling monitored

he tries to control this

he will never offer to refill my glass if he?s drinking, even if we?ve got people over for dinner

We?ve got completely separate wine because he buys good stuff for himself

There are some powerful statements there, OP.

LeggyBlondeNE · 08/08/2012 16:17

I should add - I've had periods of time where I was stressed and drinking moderately most nights (with big blow outs at weekends as I was a carefree postgrad at the time!) and caused raised eyebrows. When things were better I no longer needed it to unwind. But I think it was important that I knew what was going on with that all the time and if things hadn't improved I would have had to give serious thought to finding another way to destress each night.

TheAnonymousOne · 08/08/2012 16:18

I'm hoping the OP will agree to compromise on this but more worrying as Noddy said is his attitude to her.

So he buys the best wine for himself and does not share that with her?
He helps himself to wine when guests are around and presumably refills their glasses but does not refill hers?
Is he making a point here? Is it concern over how much she drinks or a control thing?

FunnysInLaJardin · 08/08/2012 16:19

Love it that a thread about controlling behaviour has been totally derailed by a discussion about whether the OP drinks too much. That is not the issue here.

CailinDana · 08/08/2012 16:22

I don't see it as a controlling behaviour Funnys. The OP doesn't mention any other problems between them or any other types of control. The DH has printed out information for the OP, which is a very sensible approach, and he has tried to talk to her about units, which is a clear way of demonstrating why he's worried, and the OP hasn't engaged with him at all, she's just said "no thanks." What else is he supposed to do? The passive aggressive behaviour is childish admittedly but he tried the sensible approach and was just shut down.

noddyholder · 08/08/2012 16:22

The unless he decided.... bit made me think he is controlling in other ways too.

lottiegb · 08/08/2012 16:23

Books, just normal to have a glass or two of wine with dinner. As it is for many people in the UK too of course, just more embedded in the culture there. Thus my comment implying he'd be worried about / disgusted by a large part of the population there, which would be a bit exhausting.

solidgoldbrass · 08/08/2012 16:24

Basically there are two key questions OP:

Firstly, has your H any family members or close friends who have, or have had, problems with alcohol? Sometimes people who have been close to a problem drinker get irrationally paranoid and pissy and bullying around anyone else who drinks (though given that your H drinks alcohol himself, this doesn't sound all that likely).

Secondly, does he exhibit other controlling behaviour, does he comment on what you wear, how much housework you do, where you go, your friends, etc?

AngelDelightIsIndeedDelightful · 08/08/2012 16:26

solid has hit the nail on the head for me. I read the OP and immediately thought she might have a problem because it's every day. That's because my dh is an alcoholic, so anyone who can't go a single day without some alcohol raises red flags for me.

So, the first question is critical to understanding his behaviour.

chandellina · 08/08/2012 16:34

I think Yanbu but I can also relate to your dh. My dh has a bottle of beer every single night (plus wine on a weekend night if I'm drinking) and it does drive me a bit crazy that he always has it and never gives his body a break from alcohol. Maybe just taking a night or two off would help your dh ease off his attitude, and you might benefit too.

dranksinatra · 08/08/2012 16:42

And what is it exactly do you get outof telling the op she has a drink problem?,
Do you think she will confess?
Give up,
Wasn't even what she was asking.

AngryFeet · 08/08/2012 16:43

A glass of wine is 125ml. So you are drinking nearer two glasses a night and up to 3.5. It is quite a bit if you don't have a break at all IMO.

flatpackhamster · 08/08/2012 16:50

The 'recommended' amount is BS. Tell him to get over himself.

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