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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about alcohol, or is DH?

264 replies

WaveringButterfly · 08/08/2012 14:59

Have name-changed for this but am a regular(ish) poster.

I like a glass of wine in the evening after the children have gone to bed. Every single night. Sometimes a glass and a half. Very occasionally a two-glass blowout. They?re only 200ml glasses so we?re not talking about crazy quantities of booze. I?ve been like this since before I met DH, so it?s not as though he should be surprised.

The thing is, he doesn?t like it. He thinks I drink too much. He secretly monitored how much I was drinking and claimed that it was nearly one-and-a-half times the recommended amount for women. I don?t think it?s quite that much but even if it is, it?s my frickin? liver, not his. He went away and Googled about the damaging effects of drinking even slightly more than recommended levels, and has tried to persuade me to read some articles he found. I said no thanks.

It?s driving me nuts. Although he rarely makes a remark about it at the moment, he can?t help letting slip the occasional comment which just makes it clear he?s still watching my every move around the wine bottle. He criticises me for buying cheap non-wonderful wine, but I?m doing this so that I?m not spending stupid amounts on the stuff, much as I?d love a decent Chablis every night. Unless he?s decided It?s A Special Night And We?re Going To Share A Bottle Of Wine, he will never offer to refill my glass if he?s drinking, even if we?ve got people over for dinner. We?ve got completely separate wine because he buys good stuff for himself. (He doesn?t drink very much.)

I just wish we could be relaxed about having a drink ? do things like offering to pour each other a glass if one of us has had a hard day. I wish I could go to the fridge without feeling monitored. It?s got to the stage where I quite like it when he?s out for the evening because I can relax about having a drink. I don?t drink any more than usual when he?s out, but I can enjoy my glass of wine without being judged or monitored. We?re not an especially couply couple if that makes sense (NOBODY would ever accuse us of being joined at the hip) so it really rankles that he tries to control this one thing.

OP posts:
Mrsjay · 08/08/2012 15:24

People can drink that every night with their dinner he is being unfair to you tell him thanks for his concern but you are fine as you are,

wankpants · 08/08/2012 15:24

I am quite shocked by the amount of people who drink every night. I thought the whole drink to unwind thing went out in the fifties! I do find it bizarre that alcohol is so much more acceptable than smoking around here.

ksrwr · 08/08/2012 15:25

personally i think if something is bothering DH it would be a nice gesture to meet him half way. say for example, you promise you'll have one booze free night a week. then if it is a control thing like you suspect it is, that should keep him happy.

MNsFavouriteManHater · 08/08/2012 15:25

(although it would be better to have a couple of alcohol-free days a week) Wink

RubyFakeNails · 08/08/2012 15:27

YANBU I think you need to pin down exactly what the issue is, what is he specifically concerned about.

Addiction, health issues and an early death, weight gain, leaving children in your care. Find out what exactly.

I don't think you are drinking too much in terms of what is healthy and I also think even if you were its your choice, until it reaches the point where it i having a negative effect on his life.

Until you know the real issue you can't address it. I do however think if its not something he agrees with don't expect him to joyfully help you with it by pouring more wine etc. Although you shouldn't feel bad going to your own fridge.

NarkedRaspberry · 08/08/2012 15:27

I wouldn't like someone watching my drinking and implying that I had a problem.

I wouldn't like to live with someone who drank every single day, even though they keep it to 1-2 glasses of wine. That's a habit and it makes me nervous. I'd rather be more comfortable with someone who had 3 glasses 3x a week and didn't drink on the other days.

RubyFakeNails · 08/08/2012 15:27

To me this is the same as if a DH was on about food or chocolate, thats unhealthy and addictive. We would all agree with the OP then.

Numberlock · 08/08/2012 15:27

I think that if other people are starting to comment on your drinking or express concern then perhaps there could be a problem. Or he's concerned that it could develop into a problem later down the line - two glasses leads to three, leads to a bottle a night.

Why not try and have a couple of alcohol-free nights and see how you feel about it.

ArthurandGeorge · 08/08/2012 15:27

I feel like your dh about my dp (though he definitely drinks way more than the guidelines) but to him he is just relaxing and it doesn't impact upon his ability to do stuff. I worry like made about his health. He has gained weight and is clearly less healthy than he could be now let alone how he might be in 10 years time.

I think you need to talk to your dh about why exactly he is concerned, you say that you have always drank about this amount so maybe something in him has changed?

Sophisticatedknickers · 08/08/2012 15:28

Could you try having one night off a week to show that you don't NEED it? I think he's probably just concerned about you. I would be concerned if my DH had to have a drink every night

GnocchiNineDoors · 08/08/2012 15:31

Op I dont necessarily think you are drinking too much but what does concern me is that you are happy to drink wine which you yourself describe as cheap and no Chablis in order to be able to afford to drink it.

It seems like your need for the alcohol overrides taste. A bottle of Chablis a week is nicer and more enjoyable than three.bottles of yurch tasting stuff.

If you prefer quantity over taste - that to me indicates a drinking problem, no matter whether its over or under official guidelines.

CailinDana · 08/08/2012 15:31

Do you know exactly what the issue is? Is he genuinely concerned about your health? Or has he just got a bee in his bonnet about this and is annoyed that you're not listening?

If it's a health thing, then I can see his point of view. I think you drink a lot. Drinking that regularly does have cumulative negative effects. In the short term it makes you tired, more prone to depression and anxiety, more likely to pick up illnesses due to the leaching of vitamins from your system, and in the long term it can damage your liver, kidneys and brain as well as increasing your risk of diabetes. It would irritate me a lot if my DH drank that amount because I would be concerned about the effect on him and I would be annoyed that he would rather drink than protect his health for the good of the family.

Could you talk to him about it, see what's going on in his head? He does seem to have approached it fairly well so far, by trying to give you literature on the topic and you've just shut him down which is quite childish really. It's not like he's roaring his head off at you, he's trying to be rational. It's normal for someone to be concerned for their partner's health and I think you should at least do him the courtesy of hearing him out. If he turns out to be worrying about nothing then you can ask him to cut the comments out from now on.

danteV · 08/08/2012 15:32

badger that's your opinion. Some peoples opinions are different.
I thought it was now recommended to have a few days/ nights off a week?
Anyway its up to the op what she does. But I don't think her dh ibu. He has concerns and has tried to address. Tbh it doesn't sound like the OP wants to hear it (whether its out of concern or not) which again would worry me.
He may have monitored because she refuses to believe how much she is drinking and thought if he could show her she would realise.

Del123 · 08/08/2012 15:33

I do think it's good to have a few alcohol free days a week though. Then you can have a couple of glasses on the days you do drink.

Maybe if you present this to him then he can relax more on the days you are having wine and it will be less stress all round. Although I don't think you drink too much it might be the fact it is every day and thus a habit that is bothering him. He is tackling it the wrong way though.

CailinDana · 08/08/2012 15:34

Just to clarify, my points were related more to the fact that you drink "every single day" than to the amount you drink. It's the fact that you never have an evening without alcohol that would worry me.

danteV · 08/08/2012 15:35

I meant 'dh inbu'.

FermezLaBouche · 08/08/2012 15:36

I think that's a bit unfair, Gnocchi
It's not like she's bulk buying meths (or Vineyard X, as we used to drink at uni!) so she can get her fix. Like many people responsible for managing a shopping budget, the OP is making sacrifices where needed. Yes, logically, it would seem more sensible to buy a single bottle of £10 wine, but many people balk at paying that, whereas £4.99 on offer from a tenner seems a better option.

BadgersRetreatToOlympicVillage · 08/08/2012 15:37

my GP told me a glass of wine a day was fine and dandy

MNsFavouriteManHater · 08/08/2012 15:39

just to play devil's advocate for a moment...GP's are one of the worst professional groups for alcohol abuse Wink

NarkedRaspberry · 08/08/2012 15:46

21 units/week for men. 14 units/week for women.

Wine that's 13% ABV has 2.6 units per 200ml glass. So if you stuck to exactly one glass - which you don't - you drink 18.2 units a week. Without the recommended days off. If you have an extra half glass on three days it's 22 units.

TheAnonymousOne · 08/08/2012 15:46

Drinking one glass of red every day is supposed to be beneficial for your health.
But then having a couple of non-alcohol days is also supposed to be beneficial so how about a compromise?

You won't drink on say, Tuesdays and Thursdays and he then has no right to say ANYTHING about your glass of wine the rest of the week.

Get some of that Schloer in, it's lovely and the ONLY good substitute for wine.

There is always a compromise, it doesn't have to be either your way or his you know.

I drink a whole bottle of the stuff every Sat but then so does my dh. Yeah it probably is too much but I don't drink during the week and by now my liver is probably used to it.
My dad drinks every night and has done for years. He's not had any health problems and is in his late 70s. You might encounter probs just by drinking on a regular basis however. That's life, you can't predict everything.

Wolfiefan · 08/08/2012 15:52

I would not drink every day. I don't think it is healthy. A glass or two at a time should do no harm but I'd break the habit of having it every night. (And if I was your DH it'd make me uncomfortable.)

LemonBreeland · 08/08/2012 15:53

I think YABU and your DH is acting in your best interests. As some other posters have said it is not recommended to drink every night, and I feel that if you do have even one glass every night it becomes something you rely on.

You must be going through a bottle of wine every 3 days minimum, and that seems excessive to me.

amicissimma · 08/08/2012 15:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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