about alcohol, or is DH?

[WaveringButterfly]

Have name-changed for this but am a regular(ish) poster.

I like a glass of wine in the evening after the children have gone to bed. Every single night. Sometimes a glass and a half. Very occasionally a two-glass blowout. They?re only 200ml glasses so we?re not talking about crazy quantities of booze. I?ve been like this since before I met DH, so it?s not as though he should be surprised.

The thing is, he doesn?t like it. He thinks I drink too much. He secretly monitored how much I was drinking and claimed that it was nearly one-and-a-half times the recommended amount for women. I don?t think it?s quite that much but even if it is, it?s my frickin? liver, not his. He went away and Googled about the damaging effects of drinking even slightly more than recommended levels, and has tried to persuade me to read some articles he found. I said no thanks.

It?s driving me nuts. Although he rarely makes a remark about it at the moment, he can?t help letting slip the occasional comment which just makes it clear he?s still watching my every move around the wine bottle. He criticises me for buying cheap non-wonderful wine, but I?m doing this so that I?m not spending stupid amounts on the stuff, much as I?d love a decent Chablis every night. Unless he?s decided It?s A Special Night And We?re Going To Share A Bottle Of Wine, he will never offer to refill my glass if he?s drinking, even if we?ve got people over for dinner. We?ve got completely separate wine because he buys good stuff for himself. (He doesn?t drink very much.)

I just wish we could be relaxed about having a drink ? do things like offering to pour each other a glass if one of us has had a hard day. I wish I could go to the fridge without feeling monitored. It?s got to the stage where I quite like it when he?s out for the evening because I can relax about having a drink. I don?t drink any more than usual when he?s out, but I can enjoy my glass of wine without being judged or monitored. We?re not an especially couply couple if that makes sense (NOBODY would ever accuse us of being joined at the hip) so it really rankles that he tries to control this one thing.

I have a friend who drinks cheap wine very night. She buys cheap as its the alcohol that's important to her, not the taste.
Started off as a glass or two and, in time, developed into a bottle or two.
She initially used it to "wind down" but that turned into "I need it to escape my mundane, boring life" (her life is the same as most people's: work, home, bit of housework, bit of tv then bed - no dramas, jut the daily grind)

I've worried about her and talked to her (without judging) about it. I believe she has depression and uses alcohol to escape / mask it.

She has finally given up drinking on work nights and boy has she found it tough. I'm pleased she's done this, she has given herself stomach problems from many years of "a glass or two".

So I really do think you should see if you can have a couple of drink free nights, see if you sleep normally. I expect you will find it hard at first and, if that the case (I hope it isn't) then maybe you should limit yourself to only drinking at weekends / special occasions.

I've also seen the extreme (exBIL) where it started as a few cans a night and turned into vodka for breakfast after about 6/7 years. He too suffers from depression and now has a very serious bowel condition as a result from alcoholism.

Not saying you have the same issues, just want to point out how easy it is for them to spiral.

A few days off a week will reassure those that love you that you aren't reliant on drink.

It sounds a lot to me. I don't understand why anyone would want to have alcohol every day. In that sense, I think your DH is just worried about you. I think if he is genuinely worried then there's nothing wrong with finding out info and watching how much you're drinking.
OTOH I do agree that he sounds a bit controlling.

He's certainly taken the pleasure out of a glass of wine, his attitude to you is appalling. I enjoy a glass or 3 about 4/5 nights a week as I enjoy it, I don't smoke or scoff a large slab of chocolate each night but each to their own who do. I make an informed choice to drink so do it.

"what else is he supposed to do" ?

He's made his point (repeatedly and publically)

He can shut up now (IMO)

He is talking BS & treating you like a child.
A glass/glass & half wine is drinking in moderation.
If you were drinking a whole bottle everyday then that would be a problem.
Tell him to mind his own business as he has nothing to worry about except his controlling behaviour.

Tell him to have a glass of

Hmm, YANBU and this would wind me up too. I drink about the same as you and DH would never dream of commenting (usually in the evening when DS is in bed I have a glass of wine and he has a beer). I never binge drink or drink to get drunk, but a glass of wine is an important marker for the start of the grown-up part of the day where I can just flop with a book and not worry about what DS is wrecking. I don't think I 'need' it - I had a day without on Monday because DS wouldn't settle, and didn't specially miss it - but I do want it, and I'd be really pissed off with someone who criticised.

I have wine and chocolate most nights. If my husband tried to tell me what to do, and tried to make me look small in front of others, he would get told to piss off

I have a couple of nights a week break from wine, but chocolate 7 days a week, sometimes twice a day < shock horror >

if Op is not bending the truth to make herself look better, this man sounds like a controlling nob

My mum used to have just a glass of wine a night with dinner, every night. No more than that, but occasionally at the weekend she would have a liqueur as well. Again, only one. She ended up with liver function problems and has to go regularly for checks. She now limits the wine to weekends only.

When she was away on holiday she upped the amount, thinking 'oh, it's just two weeks' - but ended up with problems again.

TBH I'm on the fence. I think some people's bodies cope with it better than others, and it doesn't sound like you have any issues - but I can see why your DH might be concerned.

Why is he trying to control you?

People who think the guidelines are BS generally drink too much themselves!Have found this IRL anyone with issues will argue to the ends of the earth that a few glasses a day is ok.

you have a point there, noddy

the thing is, guidelines are just that ...guidelines

every person is different

the least likely person I would take notice of wrt "guidelines" is the one that tried to show me up in public and made me feel like a second class citizen

OP, why the hell do you tolerate him openly drinking more expensive wine than you ?

are you less deserving of nice wine than him ?

do you buy naicer ham for him ?

I would be very tempted to take that more expensive wine of his and share it with my friends right in front of him, ensuring that I had most of it, of course

Yanbu I loooove a glass of wine, even cheap £5 bottles taste lively to me, (have had expensive stuff too and can't taste the difference shut taste buds) my DH has banned me completely while I am pg. some may say this is controlling but I am growing his child, he is t-total and against it for his child.

Your DH may be controlling or this could be his way of showing he cares, no one but you can make that call though!

Should preview but u all get my drift right? even if I can't type

I wouldnt be comfortable with my dh drinking every night BUT thats mainly because it would be so out of the norm for him. He rarely drinks at all let alone every night. If you have alwasy been like this it seems odd that your dh would suddenly start caring now?. Unless things have changed in some way that perhaps you havent noticed (the amount gradually increasing or becoming more dependant on it etc).
I would sit down with him and have a talk. IMO it might be an idea to cut back a little but at the same time he is not behaving fairly towards you and perhaps its out of concern but he needs to change how he is approaching this.

I wish mine DP would drink more sometimes!

New Guidelines on Alcohol Consumption

Yes a report somewhere stated that the original guidelines were just made up as there was no scientific data to state how much was too much, so the government just came up with a number plucked pretty much out of thin air. However recent guidelines are based on scientific studies and experiments.

It varies from person to person I believe. One person could drink a few glasses every day and develop cirrhosis of the liver whilst another like my father could live until his late 70s (and still going) with no adverse effects. Unfortunately you don't really know which category you fall into until it's too late.

Family history will give you a few clues but should not be taken too literally.

Generally speaking it's good to have a couple of alcohol free to days to 1) give your liver a break and 2) reduce your dependency.

How much everyone drinks is neither here nor there. There will always be those ready to boast about how much they neck and there will always be those ready to condemn and judge. You need to look at your own lifestyle.

I would possibly deal with that first and then look at your dh's attitude and start examining that in some detail too.

I think it's a bit harsh for anyone to imply he's controlling and it's unfair to call him a twat! Maybe he just loves the op and is worried about her health. If my Dh drank every night, I would be worried about him and want him to cut down.

i would say drinking every night is a problem.

The OP is asking if her dh is by about the amount alcohol she drinks, not if people think he is controlling. So it hasn't been derailed.
Also note the OP says she prefers to buy the cheap stuff so she isn't spending as much. He chooses the nice wine as he drinks less.
No where does it say he won't let her buy nice wine.
I am sure the OP will come back with a big drip feed about all the other areas he is controlling.
The fact is (rightly or wrongly) he is worried about her drinking. That is what the OP is about.

I also doubt a woman would labelled controlling if she came here and said that her dh drank every night and she was worried about addiction/ health issues and that she had monitored his drinking over a week to show him how much.

I think half a bottle of wine every night sounds quite dependent. It's a mistake to think a drink is the only way to relax after a hard day (and I say this as someone who loves her wine).

Well said dante

You drink toooo much

You are setting a shite example to your dc

It might be your liver but its your DH who will be left with the DC when you are in hospital with liver failure.

You seem dependant. Could you stop if you wanted to?

iggi777, it's a glass, not half a bottle!