to wonder why the hell a parent would participate in a tv show about how difficult their child is?

[icecold]

Just watching 'Lost Children' about a teenage boy, who's birth mother was a heroin addict. In 15 years he was moved 25 times. He was finally adopted, father left 2 years later.

After 9 years of struggling with his behaviour, she sent him back into care

Very very sad

Why the fuck would you make a documentary about how difficult your child wad, and advertising that you sent him back into care?

'she' being his adoptive mother

Because she's wracked with guilt about the whole thing and feels that telling her story may bring her some peace?

Because adoptive parents are actually given very little support and help to deal with children who are incredibly damaged by 'the system' or their birth parents pre-adoption?

Or because she's a publicity whore?

You saw the programme - what do you think?

Well as much as I agree that participating in a show like that makes me feel a bit 'hmmmm'....I think harrowing documentaries can have their place in society if it makes people aware of certain issues.

I'm not sure what you mean by 'Why the fuck would she advertise that she sent him back into care'.....because I imagine it's a heart breaking experience for any loving parent to have to admit defeat after they've adopted a child with problems.

And then to have to try to cope alone after her DH leaving....I can't imagine what any of them had to go through

She used to be a social worker didn't she, his mum I mean.

I think he said that even she went into the adoption with an unrealistic view of it, so maybe she did the programme to show people that.

I felt for her, and worried myself silly, as Ds is 9 and has some behavour problems and I hate to think he could end up that bad.

Not an easy one to comment on unless you have seen the programme in full context.

I haven't seen the programme. Prehaps she wants to warn prospective adoptive parents of the risks of adoption. Prehaps she wants more support for adoptive parents.

Its very sad and prehaps we need to rethink as a society how we best look after such children.

to raise awareness

why shouldn't she?

Honestly don't know wilson

She seemed to have lots of support- boy had a key worker, place in a boarding school

She didn't seem overly 'woo is me', emotional, but fairly matter of fact

What it showed of her with him, she seemed quite an ineffectual parent...a bit of a wet lettuce, but its edited innit

Just can't fathom her motivation. I would feel so ashamed of returning him to care. No way I'd be on Tele about it

Should say....I missed the beginning of the programme

I'm not an adoptive parent. I have biological children. No option to 'send them back', so I find it difficult to comprehend that as a viable option. Surely you shouldn't give up on your kids, no matter what?

It was primarily a documentary about the school's work - or that's how it started. I found it worth watching. I've worked with a few children similar to Josh and watched them disintegrate when they move to secondary school.

A lot of my recent reading has been about attachment and nurture. It was clear that Josh had neither of these in his early life. It makes you stop and think about how to support these kids.

God, I'm rambling. I glad I watched. I'm glad both Josh and his Mum took part. I hope they both find some peace and contentment.

Just can't fathom her motivation. I would feel so ashamed of returning him to care. No way I'd be on Tele about it

Really? That's such a shame.

I do think as difficult as these things are to watch, they can play a very important part in presenting two sides of a story.

An important reminder that there really is no such thing as the idyllic "Blonde haired, blue eyed child sucking its thumb and trailing its 'blanky' behind" when it comes to the complicated issues of adoption.

By the way, you do have an option to put your kids into care if you genuinely can't cope.

And sometimes it takes a far bigger person to do that than to muddle on for the sake of keeping up appearances.

Thank god I've never been in this position....but I would never judge anyone who has.

I think it's really, really hard to adopt and as star says, we're just starting to get to grips about how important attachment and nurture is. I'd hope she didn't take the decision to return the child to care lightly. And perhaps talking about it could do some good - or indeed perhaps it's just part of a process of rationalising her decision and getting some sort of validation for it.

What channel was it on btw, maybe I can get it on catch up?

Sorry, I'm not sure what Chanel I wad watching

"No option to 'send them back'"

Stupid comment - yes you do - its why the vast majority of children become available of adoption in the first place, their birth parents have "sent them back" either voluntarily or forceably by not being able to adequately parent their child.

Icecold you have exactly the same option to place your children in care if you are unable to parent them effectively and keep them safe. The mother recognised that she wasn't able to keep her son safe anymore - she couldn't get him to school, couldn't stop him buying drugs, couldn't stop him threatening her. Maybe she should have done a better job of parenting him, but she knew she had reached the limit of her capabilities.

It was an interesting programme along with the one last week. I think his adoptive Mother seemed to do her best and had no further strategies for coping with him, he was sent back into care, attended school for awhile then either left again or was excluded.

I think he seemed like a prime candidate for intense psychotherapy, I'm pretty sure that wouldn't have been on offer though.

I'm sure he will find several a lovely Lady to take it all out on one day.

Exactly Kew and there should be no shame in having to admit defeat after you've adopted a child with problems who had a shit start in life.

No-one (I'm sure) would want to have to go through the entire lengthy adoption process and give up that easily.

It must have been heart breaking...but hopefully she did what was right for the child instead of worrying about what others might think of her.

"Surely you shouldn't give up on your kids, no matter what?"

I think you should take that very worthy sentiment and preach it to all the birth parents who result in children being taken into care rather than the (infinitely smaller) number of adoptive parents who have to deal with parenting a child damaged by the people who apparently don't ever give up on them.

I have seen an adoption disrupt and its not pretty. Adoptive parents take on a huge amount of the responsibility and guilt for it but the harsh reality is that they are quite commonly trying to cope with major problems caused by birth parents.

For sure kew

Are adoptive parents not aware of the difficulties before they adopt? Is that what people mean by raising awareness?

I mean, I know reality is different to theory.. I have a fair few friends who have adopted. They went into it with eyes wide open. All of them have had problems, but kids still pre teens

Thanks tough. You are right; no animosity here