to wonder why the hell a parent would participate in a tv show about how difficult their child is?

[icecold]

Just watching 'Lost Children' about a teenage boy, who's birth mother was a heroin addict. In 15 years he was moved 25 times. He was finally adopted, father left 2 years later.

After 9 years of struggling with his behaviour, she sent him back into care

Very very sad

Why the fuck would you make a documentary about how difficult your child wad, and advertising that you sent him back into care?

I didn't read her OP as animosity either.

But I did read it and subsequent posts as "Oh the shame of it"

There is no 'shame' in opening your heart and your home to adopt a troubled child and then admitting heartbreaking defeat.

It's almost as though she's saying the adoptive parents (in particular the Mother) should feel shame.

Why should she?

Surely it takes a much bigger person to do what they feel is right for the child?

I find quite a lot of people are "confused and lack understanding" when it comes to coping with adoption related issues - doesn't mean I have to sit and watch their confusion on a forum. I've had it said to me personally and its still piffle then too.

I've seen some slightly ineffectual adoptive parents (may even be one myself) but have never seen the mind-numbing damage done by some birth parents replicated by any adoptive parents of my acquaintance.

I would feel shame in that scenario. I'm not saying anyone else should. I would feel like I had failed. Wouldn't you?

Do you think the adoptive parents don't feel as though they've failed?

I imagine they feel every single bit as though they tried and failed

But hey at least they tried

Unlike me and you

Of my birth dvd became too much for me. And feeling I had no other option, but to put them into care-i wouldn't make a tv programme about them and me. What of they saw it?

Ok-this is obviously upsetting people

That wad not my intention, I apologise

I will have the thread deleted

OP from what I'm reading, the boy took part in it so your birth DVD scenario doesn't fit here.

Seriously, I do think these documentaries are important if they raise awareness and I also think no adoptive parent should feel any kind of shame if they have to admit defeat in trying to give a child a stable and loving home.

Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

But I don't think it should be swept under the carpet.

"Are adoptive parents not aware of the difficulties before they adopt?" yes generally they are pretty well terrified by the stories of potential problems and choose to risk it and go ahead anyway. Do you think they shouldn't? Would that be the solution? OK this might be any degree of difficulty from very low to totally unmanageable, better not then just in case.

Do you accept your assertion that you don't have the option of sending your child back is in fact total naive nonsense? Quite happy to point out to you the ways to get your child taken into care - there are a lot of them.

At what point would you admit defeat with your child - sustained sexual abuse of a sibling, violence towards younger siblings, death threats from a teenager?

I think it is a discussion that, as a nation, we need to be having. How do we intervene? When do we intervene? How many chances should a birth parent get? How quickly should adoption happen? There are clearly no easy answers but when you see the suffering that Josh is going through it makes you weep.

As a society we failed that child. If there is shame, it is with all of us.

No I'm not taking it as a personal attack - I haven't had an adoption disrupt though I have seen it happen twice. I'm engaging because the OP is saying things on a public forum which I think should be challenged because they are poorly thought through.

A sensible conversation can be had about why the woman agreed to participate in a TV programme but I strongly object to the statement that a birth parent doesn't have the option of walking away - as if the adoptive parents took the easy way out - when the inescapable truth is that the damage was caused by inadequate/dangerous/damaging parenting by birth parents.

Sometimes adoptive parents are incapable of coping with the damage to a child before they got there - still probably makes them better parenns than most that they tried.

was the child's identity obscured?

None of that wad happening with the boy in question on the programme kew

I would have to have a think about what my limits would be. Although, I am not sure it is a question that can be answered hypothetically; putting a child into care is unthinkable

naive nonsense is probably a bit strong- wrong would probably cover it; but as you wish

And please don't assume that other posters don't have extremely challenging children either - if you are addressing that at me I don't.

And I don't own any issues on MN or in real life - but I am irritated by the statement that adoptive parents have the choice to send their children back whereas birth parents don;t because its blatently untrue.

Ok maryz I'm not a big tv watcher. Haven't seen those programmes

nonsense probably is a bit strong but I stand by naive! How do you think children get into care other than by parents totally unable to cope with them (in any number of different ways)?

and having a child taken into care may be unthinkable to you now in your current situation. I hope it always remains so. I hope it does for me too. It still happens though.

No sanc the child's identity was not obscured he wad 15 at the time of making the programme.

It didn't show him being taken back into care, or after. They can't have known that was the outcome when they started filming for the documentary