to wonder why the hell a parent would participate in a tv show about how difficult their child is?

[icecold]

Just watching 'Lost Children' about a teenage boy, who's birth mother was a heroin addict. In 15 years he was moved 25 times. He was finally adopted, father left 2 years later.

After 9 years of struggling with his behaviour, she sent him back into care

Very very sad

Why the fuck would you make a documentary about how difficult your child wad, and advertising that you sent him back into care?

he said every time she saw his mum which was once a year she cried and said how sorry she was IMO thats not a positive relationship

i watched the programme and to be honest i didn't think she was very supported by the school he went to - i don't get how they can 'exlude' kids who are really there as a last resort.

felt sorry for the boy his adoptive mum really did try so hard with him but he was just getting out of control and needed the school to step up to help him

can just see how he will eventually end up, probably having kids of his own to continue the cycle

If he has an attachment disorder then yes, 15 is probably too late to "fix" it. By the time he was adopted at 6, he had already been harmed so much by his birth mother and the care system that his adoptive mother couldn't undo that, however much love and commitment she had.

I didnt understand that either he is at a school for his needs and residential yet he was excluded and sent home

yes germy he is heading for a cycle of kids crime drugs .

troll I really am not condemning anyone, just trying to understand...

His key worker at school could not believe how many carers and foster carers he had before he was adopted, It isn't right and the care system needs to change

Didn't watch it but why isn't the adoptive dad taking 50% of the responsibility/care etc?

thanks maryz for your insight

this is how I think, i would feel;

In my case, the fact that ds was adopted made me even more determined to fight for him. When I was given the choice "cope alone, or sign him over to social services and basically hand over your parenting to the state" I couldn't actually do it (despite the fact that I still worry that long-term he might have been better off if I had) because I couldn't take the risk that he would find out and think he had been rejected twice

we didnt hear much about the dad the parents divorced he wasnt featured in it ,

I do know if positive attachments are not developed by 2 years old then generally it is thought that any attachment disorders are not usualy reversable, however that is not to say that individual resiliance and early and long term intervention does not help children build good attachments later on. not every one who forms poor attachments will have attachment disorders.

early attachments do shape attachments later on in life, so if an infant has not formed a positive attachment it will affect the types of attachments and relationships they form as a teenager. Teenage attachments are not in a sence a chance to clean the slate and rebuild possitive attachemnts, just a change in how our relationships with others form and how our needs with realtionships with others alter, so if attachment is afected in infancy it will influence the attachments we form later on life.

I have a friend who works in the adoption system..
she never breaks confidentiality I have no idea who these children are, but the things that she tells me, breaks my heart.

trying to inform parents about all the possible long term consequences of the childs early experiences is so hard, she mentioned about a little girl a couple of years ago, people eager to adopt her 3 years old, bouncy curls, great smile, very personable, cuddles everyone who meets her, gives out lots of "love"

To have to sit with prospective adopters and tell them that she has "learned" that behaviour because her biological father used to bring home his friends for them to abuse her, she had been taught to have physical contact with strangers, otherwise she would recieve the wrath of her father..

So on the surface she seemed like the ideal child to adopt, the reality is that there will probably be ALOT of issues resulting from this. She had been taught that very sexual behaviour was required.. How does this fit into school? into play dates?? Very challenging to deal with..

I understand that, it is important to discuss these things even if we do not agree. I didnt mean my post to come across as condesending or anything. Im just putting across another view point and thought it important to remember she is still maintaining contact. i can understand things from bot his and her point of view.

I work with some at risk children and some 'nice' behaviour is often not what it seems never it is heartbreaking

sorry, that little girl has played on my mind alot and every time I read about adoption she is in the forefront of my mind..

response to the OP, to me it is no different being on TV talking about your adopted child, than all those who go on any reality program talking about aspects of their life.. super nanny, house of tiny tearaways, etc..

have you read camila batmanghelidjh book mary? she talks alot about that

it would seem then, it is best not to continue trying to keep babies with birth parents after a year old? thus, giving them time to form proper attachments to adoptive parents before 2 years old?

And for kids who havent made attachments over 2 yo, put in foster care rather than adoptive?

ok never like I said i dont watch much tv...maybe I would be equally shocked by everything

'Shattered Lives' will break your heart
she has written a chapter in 'Teenagers and Attachment' which I havent read yet...

I felt for her.

She took on a child who had been moved 24 times in 6 years, who therefore it was clear was likely to have a pretty severe attachment disorder. And she was left to get on with it. School weren't coping with him - but I presume for all of them it was late by the time he go t there - more support needed in the early years.

Also, due to the complex needs of many adopted DC, it is incredibly difficult for the adoptive parents and the adopted DC to build proper attachments and bonds. I was speaking to an adoptive father recently who told me with brave honesty that despite ten years of looking after his son, he didn't feel like a father. He felt like his carer.

This is one of the reasons I'm in favour of long term specialist fostering. Neither the parent nor the child are being sold a pup

is there an element of this?

Maryz it sounds like you had a real hellish time of it with him

you have to remember children come with their own personalities inbuilt so some troubled children will thrive and do amazing with adoptive parents and some won't it is probably down to genetics too , ( in my inexperience opinion)

loads of people want to be on tv for any old reason.