To wonder why the fuck I agreed to visit DH's parents again!

[HeyNa]

We are in Eastern Europe. It is 40C in the day and 35C at night. No wind, no air con. We have 4 Dcs and DH reverts to the ignorant sexist pig that most of his countrymen are aslmost as soon as we arrive in the country!

It is too hot to sit around the in-laws house (they expect me to constantly clean and make chai anyway), we have a 2 year old and we need to go somewhere where there is air con as we had planned, but he has buggered off with his cousins without a word to me. No idea when he will be back. All he does while here is sit on his arse drinking chai and jibber jabbing away with his numerous relatives, leaving all the cleaning, cooking and washing to me. The electricity goes off constantly so it can take all day to do one load of washing.

I can drive but I am terrified of driving here as they drive like maniacs and on the wrong side of the road to boot! The older Dcs have not had lunch as there is nothing in. I feel absolutely trapped and powerless. I do not speak fluently in his language so can't join in with conversations and I can't get a word in edgeways. He has been ignoring me.

I would like to smash DH's teeth in actually. This is not a holiday for me or the DCs. This is our 3rd time here and he promised this would not happen again. At home, he helps a lot and I wear the trousers if you will. I will never come here again. I am even thinking divorce would be a better option. AIBU?

[porcamiseria]

OP, my DP is from a more pleasant but uqually sexist place

I used to say "than fuck he's not from Albania" not much help to you I know!!!!

grin and bear, I really understand that if you fuck off it will cuase issues for years to come, I get it

But . BUT what can you do to mitigate against this in the future?
shorter holidays
learn some albanian words
take some basics in car

symp[athies

[TheUnsinkableTitanic]

Could you save face by having someone from home ring about a "problem" that requires you to head home (with DC)
ie look after elderly relative

[porcamiseria]

I would go all the way, and make up a death (of someone that does not exist obv), or what about a burglery????

scared of jinx though...

[lastSplash]

I think you need to have a talk with him. Forget where you are - the way DH is behaving is not on and he promised he wouldn't do this. If he dismisses you, you need to leave. You shouldn't be worrying about embarrassing him, when he has brought it on himself by not treating you with respect.

[AKMD]

He told you you could f off? Nice.

OP, please go home. Get a 'phone call', whatever you need to save face if needs be and go. Power cuts etc. are par for the course but being treated like this by your DH and his family is not.

[Guitargirl]

How much longer will you be there for - anything salveagable from the holiday?

I would pander to his/his family's pride. As you said, there is beautiful scenery driving distance away. Tell him that you want to see the best bits, ask him or a family member if they would be willing to drive you for the day and ask them to be your tour guide. Show enthusiasm and interest in the landscape, at least you will get a day out and if somewhere hilly, a day out of the heat.

Ask the family where you can take the DCs swimming outside (mine-free obviously but as locals they will know the mined areas).

If that fails, you could always take the bus. In my experience the public transport in Kosovo isn't bad. Suggest this and the family might jump at the chance of driving you.

[TheVermiciousKnid]

His behaviour is not acceptable. It doesn't matter in which country you are, the behaviour is still unacceptable. It might go some way to explaining his behaviour (e.g. not wanting to 'lose face' in front of his family), but he should not treat you like he does at the moment. You wouldn't put up with him behaving like that at home. I would feel quite betrayed by his behaviour. :(

The power cuts, heat etc are a different matter - they're not his (or his family's) fault. But his behaviour is entirely within his control.

I understand why you are reluctant to just go home, but I wouldn't just put up with it for another two weeks either. I think I would give him an ultimatum: you will go home, unless he spends more time with you and the children (ideally going on outings etc), includes you more, doesn't let you do all the cleaning, cooking etc. It really is utterly shitty behaviour on his part; the fact that it might be 'normal' in his country is neither here nor there.

[TheVermiciousKnid]

And, to be honest, if he does not change his behaviour at all, I would seriously reconsider my relationship. :(

[RuleBritannia]

Presumably, as the OP was talking about a DH, they are married. OP did your DH promise to cherish you among his vows when you were married? You are not being cherished at the moment, are you?

[diddl]

Who will want to take OP out though when the men need waiting on?

Although why the fuck you care about him losing face is beyond me tbh.

[lolaflores]

RuleBritannia i think that clause is always worth pointing out at such moments. And that his face will be not worth losing if he doesn't pull up his socks. Oh yeah!

[redexpat]

I know what you mean about not wanting him to lose face. I like the sudden death scenario which means you have to pack up and leave together. He doesn't lose face, and you get to leave.

And never ever return.

[squeakytoy]

I am sympathetic OP, but this is also his family. Their way of life may not be full of the home comforts that you are used to, but it is their everyday life. A little sympathy for them may not go amiss, as you only have to put up with for 2 weeks, and they live in a war torn country.

The way you wrote jibber jabber did not go unnoticed by me but I ignored it, it does however sound condescending towards these people. You have had 18 years to learn this language or at least enough to make an effort with conversation, perhaps they feel that you look down on them and their way of life, because it does sound like it.

This country is also part of your childrens' heritage, and there is not anything you can do about that either.

You may not agree with the sexist way of life either, but that is cultural, and challenging it in their home country would also be rather rude too.

You do say that you "wear the trousers" at home, which is why I made the comment about your husband feeling able to get away from being under your thumb.

Lastly, if you divorce him, he would still probably be able to take your (and his) children back there regularly to see their family.

[diddl]

It is his family & he wants to see them, of course.

But does that mean that he can´t take OP & children out at all?

[HugeMedalTally]

OMG!

I have a friend on holiday in Albania. Worse! Her DH insisted on driving there.

She is from there,as is her DH. I can't really ask her about it, when she gets back, but now I feel really bad about what she is going through.

[amybelle1990]

But Squeaky... He is abusing HeyNa's vulnerability by treating her in a way that he probably wouldn't in the UK. He's exploiting the fact that there are cultural differences and making no effort to bridge them.

Arrogance and controlling behaviour is just that- even in a country where that is the norm.

[JUbilympiX]

For heaven's sake op! You're having a shit time, your kids are having a shit time. Your dh is having a nice time. So tomorrow, take the car and the kids and your stuff and drive home by the scenic route. Then you'll all have had a nice time.

[HighJumpingHissy]

I was with a bloke who reverted to type. 3 yrs in a place just the same, except no landmines.

It was hell on earth, and i wasn't allowed to learn the lingo, as i was accused of spying on the arsewipe.

Mind you, working out some.of the things he would.say about me, perhaps it was.just as well that i let him 'jibber jabber'

If any man changed.to that level of wankerdom on returning to his 'home' nation, I would dump.him there and then.

FUCK his image, how about showing that when we know better we do better.

Your H treats you like shit on holiday, or "you can fuck off"? How.much sex does he think he's going to get from you from now on.

Your H needs to understand.that this shit won't be forgotten anytime soon.

Get your kids, get a cab, take a flight and leave the tosser to drive back on his own.

Don't put up with this.shit. not for anyone.

Show your DC how you treat men that hate women.

[HighJumpingHissy]

The bloke is now an ex btw, 10 years wasted.

[TheVermiciousKnid]

Also, this is setting a really bad example for your children. Do you want them to learn that it's ok to treat women like this? (Even if it's 'only' on holiday.)

[darksecret]

Don't think he's showing his true colours by ignoring you. He probably isn't.

He's probably thinking that it's unreasonable of you to have any problem with his behaviour because this is his chance to be reunited with his family and live his way. (Quite unreasonably) he's probably thinking that you get it your way the vast majority of the time. When you're hissing angrily at him, he probably can't hear you over the sense of outrage.

Context is everything here. In the setting he's in, he's behaving as a good man should. I understand he's made promises about how he'd behave this time and that's why you feel deeply betrayed, but men are always making promises they find themselves incapable of keeping. It's because they can't project emotionally to that point and imagine how they'll feel. Women project and rehearse and work out how to keep what they've committed to.

He will probably not really understand that he has you over a barrel in this situation. Men don't think things like "she's vulnerable in this environment" or "even though she's flinging sandals at me, it's my job to realise and care that she's deeply unhappy and oppressed." They just think "I don't deserve this because I've slogged my guts out to please you already" and don't take it further than that.

If you were planning to live in his country, maybe the marriage wouldn't stand a chance. As it is, you must know it would be a shame to leave. Yes, your DH is being a real git and no, you should probably not put yourself in this situation again. But throw up the marriage, when kids are involved, when it works in 'real life'? Deeply unreasonable. Don't do anything now! Just go and stay with your mother for a week when you get home and sort of simmer down. And ignore all the leave the bastard peeps. You'd no sooner have left than you'd be remembering all the good stuff.

[Yama]

Wow Darksecret - I'm hoping you didn't mean to tar all men with the same brush. My dh is a lot better than me at projecting emotionally. My brothers are too.

HeyNa - don't lose sight of the fact that you are important too.

[NovackNGood]

Arrogant and controlling behaviour are bad which is also what you would be doing to steal away with the kids. As worraliberty said you are only a doormat if you let your self be. Just say no to doing the cleaning and sit down and take part in a conversation like an adult with your family instead of hiding away on mumsnet like a teenager in his bedroom.

[darksecret]

Yama - Didn't mean to suggest that all men have those limitations. I was outlining a stereotype that earns its position as such by being generally true.

[Yama]

I am genuinely intrigued DarkSecret. So you think the stereotype you outlined is generally true?

I, and most of the men I know, must be so out of touch. Or, you are being sexist and are actually wrong.