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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if you can "affair proof" your marriage?

244 replies

WoodlandHills · 05/08/2012 17:49

Reading the relationships threads, I would say probably not.

And it seems that infidelity either on a small or massive scale (ie from a drunken snog to a full blown love affair for example) is rife.

I have never been cheated on - to my knowledge. But I know that if DH ever cheated no matter to what extent that I would most probably end it. He tells me all the time how much he loves me, how he has never felt this strongly for anyone, how much he fancies me and if he cheated that would turn everything into a lie and make a mockery of everything I thought we had. In past relationships I have cheated out of a lack of respect for my partner and because I knew I didn't really want to be with them anyway, but after 5 years with DH (2 married) I honestly only have eyes for him, of course I can see that other men are attractive but no one measures up to DH (sorry if that sounds corny but its true). I don't suspect him at all by the way, but I never want to go through this and if there is anything I can do to even slightly lower our risk.

When you hear about women who have caught their DHs cheating, they are often pole axed when they find out as they thought everything was rosy. So I am not naive enough to think that its only in bad relationships that cheating happens. so it seems "keeping your man happy" ( Hmm ) is not enough anyway.

So.... just putting it out there to see what people think. Have not put this in relationships as I think in AIBU there may be more of a balanced response.

OP posts:
Olympia2012 · 05/08/2012 17:54

Nope. You can't in this day and age. You are up against Facebook, 'dating' sites and texting..... All so easy

The relationships threads are very scary. It seems to be getting worse too

Ragwort · 05/08/2012 17:56

I'm not sure you can do anything because it is not what you do but what your partner chooses to do (if you are talking about infedility).

If someone wants to be unfaithful they will - I am sure we all know 'ideal' couples who seem to have everything - total companionship, a good sex life, happy family, integrity etc etc and then one of them has an affair - equally there are couples that you think 'why on earth do they stay together' when they are clearly uncompatible, moan about each other etc who do stay together, for years and years.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/08/2012 17:56

No, I don't think you can "affair-proof" your marriage/relationship. It's out of your control really. I think that people do not decide to have an affair, it happens, out of the blue, albeit that there are many steps along the way.

It's a shame that the ecstasy of falling in love, the butterflies, the excitement and exhillaration of being with that person, fall on the wayside as life progresses. Not everybody would agree with that but I would say that the high octane adrenaline rush isn't sustainable and I don't believe people who say that it is; it's a physiological thing.

You can say that YOU would never have an affair - and I hope you're never in the position of having to run the gamut of emotions that goes with it. So much simpler that way. But, you can't ever speak for what a partner will do.

That said, you can work to 'keep your man happy' and hope that he's working just as hard to keep you happy - and maybe that will work out just fine. Not everybody has affairs. The 'relationships' board is a stratified sample and it's not indicative or representative of the population as a whole.

ILiveInAPineapple · 05/08/2012 17:57

Nope, I don't think you can, after having seen so many of my friends go through this.
I don't think that it even has to be anything you do or don't do, so if that is the case, you can do nothing to prevent it other than tie them up at home and don't let them have any access to the outside world. You just have to trust them, like they have to trust you, and hope for the best!

ChickensArentEligableForGold · 05/08/2012 17:58

Nope. You can only be certain of your own behaviour, never anyone else's. Monogamy is a choice.

Dprince · 05/08/2012 18:00

No you can't, you can control someone elses actions.

Schoolworries · 05/08/2012 18:00

There are no guarantees but there are things you can do to minimise not just affairs, but the marriage ending at all. Stil though no guarantees.

My ex would have cheated on anyone, no matter what. I never blamed myself when he cheated, it was inherent to him.

I would be shocked to the core if my dh did though. He is very good looking, funny and clever and has had "offers" but always told me straight away. He keeps no secrets.

lovebunny · 05/08/2012 18:01

wouldn't have thought so, but i don't think its anything new. though, as pointed out above, the ease of communication nowadays opens more opportunities.

my great-uncle had his mistress living in the house with himself and his wife, and wife had to put up with it. my parents were of that generation whonthought they invented sex and therefore could go with anyone they liked, whenever they liked. my uncle had two wives and families in villages three miles apart.

perhaps the best thing is to be happy while you can and not ask too many questions. be clear with your partner about how much they mean to you and your opinion of infidelity. then hope for the best.

Yama · 05/08/2012 18:01

Apparently the top reason people give for not cheating is if if they think it will definitely end their relationship.

So, the best thing to do is make it clear infidelity will not be forgiven.

WithoutCaution · 05/08/2012 18:03

... Use a chastity belt? WinkGrin

CrispyCod · 05/08/2012 18:03

I'd rather he was faithful because he wanted to be, not because it's game over if he gets caught.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/08/2012 18:05

I think most people KNOW that it would likely end their relationship were the affair to be discovered. The nub is that people do not believe they will be caught - and some are not caught. There is so much 'self help' and awareness about 'reading the script' that it is possibly very useful to those wishing to cover up their activities and ensure that the 'signs' are just not there.

There are an awful lot of affairs that are never discovered, I'm convinced of it.

HecateHarshPants · 05/08/2012 18:06

Not unless you lock yourselves in the house and throw away the key Grin

You can control what you choose to do, but you can only trust that the other person in the relationship will not betray you.

Original poster
WoodlandHills · 05/08/2012 18:06

Yes, I agree with crispycod ...I have never told DH that I would definitely end it if he cheated for that very reason.

And absolutely Shock at lovebunny! what era was that in?

OP posts:
RubyFakeNails · 05/08/2012 18:08

No, you can't and I think everyone is capable of cheating.

Social networking, mobiles etc give people more ways in which to conduct their cheating and I'm sure I've heard that Facebook has become a factor in quite a few divorces (can't remember exact stats) but there will always be people who cheat and those who don't but I don't think its a pathological thing its more circumstances that have an effect.

ViviPru · 05/08/2012 18:12

Totally agree with everything LWitW says. Thank you for articulating (much more succinctly than I could have) precisely what I would liked to have contributed to this

Kiwiinkits · 05/08/2012 18:52

It's easy to feel like you feel, WoodlandHills, only two years into a marriage. Come back in six or seven years and tell us whether you still only have eyes for your DH. I guess all I'm saying is that all marriages go through ebbs and flows. The trick is to ride out the ebbs without resorting to dishonest and hurtful behaviour.

Original poster
WoodlandHills · 05/08/2012 19:05

It's a shame that the ecstasy of falling in love, the butterflies, the excitement and exhillaration of being with that person, fall on the wayside as life progresses. Not everybody would agree with that but I would say that the high octane adrenaline rush isn't sustainable and I don't believe people who say that it is; it's a physiological thing

^^ This

If this could be sustained I very much doubt affairs would happen

DH and I still have this to a certain extent, but nowhere near as strong as it was in the beginning. I believe it is very rare. I have certainly never had "it" past about 3 - 6 months in past relationships.

OP posts:
GhostShip · 05/08/2012 19:12

If they're going to do it they'll do it.

I wouldn't want to 'cheat proof' my relationship. They should stay faithful because they want to not because they have to and have no opportunity to cheat.

MammaTJisanOlympicSumoWrestler · 05/08/2012 19:18

I never in a millions years would have thought my ExH would have cheated on me. I made it very clear that it would not be acceptable.

He had been married to his first wife for 10 years when they split. I think he started shutting down to her and she had an affair. Of course, to him, it was all her fault, she was the one who had the affair. I believed it until 5 months before he left me. He started shutting down to me. I think he was aiming to push me in to an affair, not my style!!

This was after 10 years together. He walked out three weeks before Christmas, denied there was anyone else. Then I got his mobile phone bill!! That told a different story.

He has now been with her for 9 years, I rather think her time may be running out!

panicnotanymore · 05/08/2012 19:55

No you can't. If someone is the type to cheat they will find a way. If they aren't they won't. Unfortunately it isn't possible to identify who will and who won't.

GhostShip · 05/08/2012 19:56

My mum always said 'your (step)dad would walk over broken glass and past a room of naked women before he cheated'. 17 years down the line he shagged the next door neighbour, mum of my brothers friend.

You just never know :(

GhostShip · 05/08/2012 19:58

And I think things change, someone who once wouldn't have cheated won't always be that way.

hermioneweasley · 05/08/2012 20:01

I think if you actively work on your relationship, keep love and sex alive and have open and effective communication, you can decrease the chances of partners getting involved elsewhere.

MammaTJisanOlympicSumoWrestler · 05/08/2012 20:10

hermioneweasley that's all fine and dandy of both of you are enganged in doing that. It does not work as a one sided thing.