To wonder if you can "affair proof" your marriage?

[WoodlandHills]

Reading the relationships threads, I would say probably not.

And it seems that infidelity either on a small or massive scale (ie from a drunken snog to a full blown love affair for example) is rife.

I have never been cheated on - to my knowledge. But I know that if DH ever cheated no matter to what extent that I would most probably end it. He tells me all the time how much he loves me, how he has never felt this strongly for anyone, how much he fancies me and if he cheated that would turn everything into a lie and make a mockery of everything I thought we had. In past relationships I have cheated out of a lack of respect for my partner and because I knew I didn't really want to be with them anyway, but after 5 years with DH (2 married) I honestly only have eyes for him, of course I can see that other men are attractive but no one measures up to DH (sorry if that sounds corny but its true). I don't suspect him at all by the way, but I never want to go through this and if there is anything I can do to even slightly lower our risk.

When you hear about women who have caught their DHs cheating, they are often pole axed when they find out as they thought everything was rosy. So I am not naive enough to think that its only in bad relationships that cheating happens. so it seems "keeping your man happy" ( ) is not enough anyway.

So.... just putting it out there to see what people think. Have not put this in relationships as I think in AIBU there may be more of a balanced response.

[WoodlandHills]

Some really interesting replies here...

Glad to see its not the usual womens magazine-type insulting bollocks along the lines of, Look pretty at all times, give lots of blowjobs :o

According to some though I am probably f**ked my days are possibly numbered as DH is gorgeous and has always had no problems getting girlfriends, plus his Dad cheated on his mum all the time and is still a womanising player at 60 (well, tries to be)....

[Mrbojangles1]

As someone else said on here your up agaisnt facebook,dating sites ect your also up agisnt people expecting affairs as ok


Ued to be a women would she baiscally shunned if she cheated after all a man cant sleep around if the women are not willing bu nowadays no one seems to mind its all dont judge




My sister was seeing a married guy the whoe thing was awful we ened up not speaking for 2 years over if

The thing that tiped me over the egde was she started seeing him before he was married he then meet his now wife trying to explain to my sister that he was free and single when they meet yet choose to marry and have a child with somone else just shows he didnt lover her fell on deaf ears but what really tipped me

Was she befriended the wife even was a bridesmaid at their wedding and went on to be their chikds gods mother with i think is disusting and to make things even worse her friend used to date this guy whe she was 17 i mean wtf






When i was cheated on by my ex his mum new the whole time apprently i was the only one who didnt know perosnally i would not put up with ths from my son it would be i tell or you tell I also seen this tolrated with in frendship groups as well shocking how woemn will stab each other in the back

[Mrbojangles1]

As much as i would say juding its not the best it did have its place and i dont agree with no fault divorcee either


I dont think many things should be judged harshly but affairs is one i think should


I remeber one time my sister actally thought she could bring the guy she was seeing to my dinner party well he got shamed by me then asked to leave by my oh


Came in hand in hand with my sister aksed me how i was i then asked after his wife many people would have said nothing

[solidgoldbrass]

You could start by examining how you really really feel about monogamy, outside the cultural baggage (monogamy in human beings is a social construct, it's about men's ownership of women, and the patriarchal ideal is that women remain monogamous.) And if you are genuinely a monogamy fetishist, pick another one to marry rather than someone who is unfussed, or actively rejects monogamy (no matter how sexy and desirable such a person might seem initially). And if you don't actually feel that bothered about it, stop bothering about it. It isn't compulsory after all.

The current model, where people are not just sexually monogamous but are supposed to meet all each other's social and emotional needs as well, is profoundly unnatural for most people, hence the massive industry and the propaganda devoted to maintaining it.

On the whole, it would be far better for everyone if people made the deep commitment to their children, including a commitment to be kind, courteous and respectful to the children's other parent no matter what the sexual relationship between the parents might be, if there is one at all.

[Badvoc]

You never know.
I have been married for 13 years and I take nothing for granted wrt cheating.
I would never and have never cheated.
I can't speak for dh.
I know he never has in the past....the future??
People change.
Life can throw curve balls at you that can be hard to deal with.
The increase of mobile phones, FB, dating sites have greatly increased the ease of cheating IMHO.

[Mrbojangles1]

But thats the thing making a comminemt to your children and having and affair is not compatable usually affairs involve lying to you chidren about were you are, were you have been and were your going.


Spending money on some tart while your family gose with out i know my sister married man spent christmas day with her and tokd his wife he car broke down and was stuck on the m25

[Badvoc]

If my dh cheated on me he would be out and the locks changed within 24 hours.
I could not be with a man who showed such lack of care/love for my children.
I am an adult and can understand that life is unfair and people let you down.
I dont want my kids to learn that until they have to and I don't want their dad or me to be the one to teach them.

[kimjoy]

Proof? Probably not; but each is entitled to know what the other is up to

[attheendoftheday]

Surely it's a matter of knowing your partner? I have no guarantees that dp will not meet someone else and leave me for them, but I'm pretty sure he won't cheat because it would be out of character for him to be so unkind and disrespectful. I realise I could have been fooled about his character, so I can't absolutely guarantee it.

For us this has nothing to do with knowing I'd leave him if he cheated. I'm pretty sure if he did (and still wanted to be with me) that I'd be hurt but could get over it, I love him and want our family to be together so I'd be motivated to try. We've talked about it, so he knows this, and still hasn't (to my knowledge) cheated.

[Schoolworries]

I agree mrbojangles. Commiting to your children is part of the parcel of committing to your realtionship. One and both are the same.

When my ex cheated on me, I also saw it as cheating on dd.

My dh has the same view too. If one us ever cheated we would be cheating the whole family.

[MNsFavouriateManHater]

You cannot guarantee that a partner won't cheat on you

I also think that you cannot ever be 100% certain that you would never cheat yourself

[attheendoftheday]

Really? I cannot be certain I will never want to cheat, but I'm quite certain I wouldn't do it. I think everyone is capable of controlling their actions, if you cheat it's because you choose to.

I do not mean that I will stay with dp forever, just that I would end things properly before taking up with someone else.

Totally agree with the posters saying it would be cheating on my kids too. No roll in the hay is worth me loosing custody of dd half the time.

[solidgoldbrass]

I think committing to children is more important than committing to a couple-relationship. For instance, if an unplanned pregnancy occurs when a couple have not been together very long (or are FWB or something), it's a big mistake to rush into the couple-relationship and prioritize that, because it's unnecessary - and it often seems that, if not for the pregnancy/DCs arrival then the couple would have moved on from one another amicably enough long ago, but by agreeing to dispense with the couple aspect and concentrate on being co-parents, they can life easier for themselves, each other and the DC..

Committing to children should be separated from the whole business of couple-relationships, really.

[MNsFavouriteManHater]

the Relationships board is filled with people who "never thought they would cheat"

[Conflugenglugen]

sgb - I'm with you all the way.

I am coming to my own realisation that I really don't want to control another person's desires, actions, feelings. Why should anyone be expected to stay with me forever? That is working on the assumption that they shouldn't change, and what they want from life shouldn't change, imo.

Change is inevitable; all relationships end one way or another. I would prefer to enjoy them and value them for what they are, however long they last.

[shorttermnamechange]

My parents have been happily married since they were 21 - it is possible to grow with someone, to change together and be happy forever.

Knowing that it is possible, I am not going to go through life in the belief that all relationships are transient and destined to end (death, excepted and I'm not sure if, for some people, it ends even then).

I do agree though, that when people cheat, they are also cheating their kids, because they put at risk all their children's security. Even if I was so inclined (which I'm not), I think that as a mother I would always put their wellbeing ahead of all other things. I struggle to understand the thought processes of people who don't.

[Conflugenglugen]

shortermnamechange - I think it's wonderful your parents have that relationship, and I agree it is possible to grow with someone and to change together, but I do feel those relationships are few and far between.

[notshavingfoam]

I wouldn't say those kind of relationships are so rare actually - but my family/friends are quite traditional and divorce isn't common in my social circle.

I'm realistic enough to know that I can't say I know DH or I wouldn't have an affair, but I think there are some things that make it more difficult to maintain a healthy relationship and we try to avoid doing those. E.g. split shifts working where partners pass like ships in the night, very small gaps between dc which leaves parents exhausted, never using babysitters so couples don't spend time together without the dc. It's not surprising that relationships will suffer under those kind of circumstances.

[Conflugenglugen]

I would argue, notshaving, that they are rarer than might at first seem obvious, because in many cases people are not growing and changing together - rather, one partner is compromising their own growth for the sake of keeping a relationship together, avoiding change, avoiding looking at what's really going on, out of fear, etc.

[solidgoldbrass]

You may not know as many 'happy' marriages as you think, if you're judging by that 'never looked at anyone else' blah. Some people have affairs or ONS outside their main relationship and don't get caught. Some couples have an agreement that a certain amount of extramarital activity is OK if it's discreet. Some couples are monogamous but find other ways of making each other's lives hell. I don't think happy heteromonogamy is the norm at all ie I don't think that a majority of adult humans are blissfully monogamous for their entire lives. I think some compromise, some are lucky, some are short-term serial monogamists and some are trying to find better ways of organising the entire business.

[Schoolworries]

Well I aspire and hope to be like the couples who make it to the end, loyalty intact.

[broodyandpoor]

It is a social construct monogamy and serves to keep things simple but I don't think being cheated on is any more painful than the communication breaking down/ sex life dying or limping/ losing respect for each other/arguing/not being desired.

An affair in most cases, is just the tip of the painful ice berg, people are so desperate to live up to this ideal that everything is permanent and that relationships are not fluid constantly changing phenomena.

I think that people should make a dynamic decision each day about whether to be together or not. Not just drift along losing parts of your self along the way.

As someone else mentioned, it would be a lot better if people showed love and respect to each other for the sake of children and didn't place so much importance on one person, especially if the emotional understanding or sex has gone.

Life is to be enjoyed not trudged through with disappointments in your heart and dashed expectations.

The amount of women who I have nannied for (slim, beautiful, successful, intelligent) who have been cheated on by their husbands is plenty and they are happier with new partners who do want to be with them.

Affairs are not the end of the world, they allow women to see the truth of their own situation and teaches people to trust their instincts and not to lie again because one way or the other everyone is hurt.

[shorttermnamechange]

Form the book I am reading wrt infidelity and the thread I am currently on in Relationships, I am learning that it doesn't actually matter how beautiful/successful/generally wonderful you are. The person who cheats has done so because of their own issues and not necessarily because their spouse was lacking in any way. They make a choice to go outside the marriage, rather than be brave and actually address any problems that they have within the primary relationship.

I am also learning that not all people approach things in exactly the same way - we all have our own boundaries and these might not be the same as our partner's. You can't assume that you see things in exactly the same way. Some people might justify to themselves an affair, if they consider themselves to have fallen in love, whereas others think emotional involvement is the real betrayal and the sex, not so much.

And of course, there are the people who just feel entitled to do as they please, no matter what and don't actually care about impact on other people.

[shorttermnamechange]

I'm not sure the fluid/decide on a daily basis to stay together approach is good. What is the point of marriage in that case? Where is the security for either spouse? There are some things that you should be able to rely on and trust.

[broodyandpoor]

But it's all just an illusion, we will be parted by death or illness anyway so why not be happy every day? There is no way of manipulating your world because ultimately we don't have control over others, all we can do is just be authentic and the best person we can be and wish for the happiness of our partners-not see affairs as the absolute end of our lives like short said, it's not about the victim of adultery it's the dis-contentment and cowardice within the adulterer which is the unknown quantity in any marriage.