To wonder if you can "affair proof" your marriage?

[WoodlandHills]

Reading the relationships threads, I would say probably not.

And it seems that infidelity either on a small or massive scale (ie from a drunken snog to a full blown love affair for example) is rife.

I have never been cheated on - to my knowledge. But I know that if DH ever cheated no matter to what extent that I would most probably end it. He tells me all the time how much he loves me, how he has never felt this strongly for anyone, how much he fancies me and if he cheated that would turn everything into a lie and make a mockery of everything I thought we had. In past relationships I have cheated out of a lack of respect for my partner and because I knew I didn't really want to be with them anyway, but after 5 years with DH (2 married) I honestly only have eyes for him, of course I can see that other men are attractive but no one measures up to DH (sorry if that sounds corny but its true). I don't suspect him at all by the way, but I never want to go through this and if there is anything I can do to even slightly lower our risk.

When you hear about women who have caught their DHs cheating, they are often pole axed when they find out as they thought everything was rosy. So I am not naive enough to think that its only in bad relationships that cheating happens. so it seems "keeping your man happy" ( ) is not enough anyway.

So.... just putting it out there to see what people think. Have not put this in relationships as I think in AIBU there may be more of a balanced response.

I don't think there is a way.
With me and my husband we try to spend time together as much as possible. I think in a relationship you need to spend time together and keep it fresh.

But I think it puts the one who has been cheated on some fault if we start asking how do I keep my man/women from cheating

I don't think it's possible. I think you can work at having a good marriage- communication, shared interests as well as personal space etc.... But ultimately someone can only be responsible for their own behaviour not anyone else's. In fact trying to 'affair proof' a marriage smacks of trying to control how the other person behaves which isn't great.

woodland hills - era? do you mean the family history? great uncle 1920s onwards. parents 1940s onwards. uncle up to 1975 when first family found out.
or did you mean something else?

Perhaps we, in the UK, put an awful lot of emphasis on the word 'affair' and all of its connotations? I worked in France for quite a while and affairs there seem to be more commonplace and less fraught with anxiety. They rarely, if ever, impact on a marriage (the ones I've known of anyway). Completely separate things... wife (sometimes husband) turns a 'blind eye', life goes on, mistress/master(?) is never elevated to anything other than that. Everybody knows their respective place. I'm just using my experience in France as an example of a different outlook, more laissez faire, less angst.

I sometimes think that it would be easier - and certainly less disruptive - for people who have an affair to be more discreet and less willing to allow things to develop into a 'falling in love, get careless, spouse finds out, end of the family' scenario. It doesn't always have to be SO.

I realise that that is a very unorthodox view but, from what I've seen, disclosure of affairs and the subsequent fallout is the ultimate in pain. Sometimes what the eye doesn't see (and cannot find out) the heart will not grieve over might be the best philosophy?

ViviPru... a difficult subject, isn't it? It's one that isn't talked about much on MN other than as a 'leave the bastard' fait accompli. I've seen too much of it to think that this is always the best or only solution.

How do you stop 'falling in love ' though. You may start an affair thinking it's all a bit of fun but usually, one or both end up developing feelings and then the trouble starts.

I think you both have to prioritise the marriage. It's too easy to take things for granted, keep 'putting off' that night out because you are both knackered from work and raising kids, get ground down by the sheer drudgery sometimes.

There are some people who are just not cut out for monogamy, and that won't change, but for a lot of people affairs do start because they just feel unloved and unappreciated. With good communication it should be possible to say 'I need some more affection' and your partner will not think 'I'm busy/stressed/working/tired' but will be understand that this time you need some more attention, next time it might be them.

Background - divorced after more than 25 years together because exh put me bottom of the list of priorities once too often

I think that most people who cheat do not do so easily and they are not always happy and so this is what happens.
I don't think anyone has ever cheated on me but then I don't check up on them and make sure I have my own friends who I am loyal to.

Interesting view lying. But I don't think you can truly love someone if you're willing to have an affair.

And 'affair'. I hate that word. It makes it sound much less than it actually is; betraying someone who loves you and you're supposed to love.

You don't even know it's happening, Shelly. I don't think you do anyway.

I think it goes a bit like this... you meet somebody (at work, for example), you develop a rapport, you work together, you both outline at the outset your happy family life. This sets the scene. You carry on working together, spending work time together, feeling safe and secure that you know which way is 'up'. You're happy in each other's company and you spend more time together. You step it up as 'mates' because you like each other, you have a lot in common and you have none of the domestic drudgery that goes with a tied relationship. The life happens, events happen and the other person is a shoulder, a really great shoulder to lean on/cry on - then it's reversed maybe - they need a shoulder and you're there. That's an irrevocable bond right there. You have more and more in common with your shared events/griefs/problems and the other person becomes a fixture in your life....

Hard to believe but at this point it still doesn't need to be physical in any way - if it were physical at the start, it would all be over by now, but it isn't, it doesn't work that way.

I think that at the first point of being physical - first kiss, for example - it's almost impossible to pull away from what you have because it's not just that kiss, it's everything that went before (that was largely innocent) and the kiss just cemented it for both parties. Perhaps some affairees manage to pull apart at this point, better for them if they can and do because if they haven't fallen in love by then, one or both is very likely to from that point on.

Of the people I know who've 'fallen' for the other person, each is torn between wishing they had never met them - and wishing they could 'vanish' themselves from the life they've created. It's a recipe for heartbreak because there's nowhere for it to go without causing hurt.

I get a bit tired of the bleating on about 'karma' and so forth. It doesn't come back to 'bite people' because how does one justify the pain to children involved? What did they do exactly? Also - some people say that happiness can't be built on another's pain... absolute TOSH! People make mistakes, they make choices too early and sometimes with the wrong people. It is tragic and it is sad, but it's life and some people are too quick to judge and paper the forums with meaningless platitudes.

GhostShip... I don't think that people choose to have an affair, that's the thing - it's not a conscious choice at all.

I also think that it is possible to love more than one person at a time and compartmentalise. There are so many 'taboos' around double lives, but they go on all the time. I also think that women would be more successful at this than men as they are better 'planners'.

Ask me if I think affairs are a good thing and I would say, "No, not at all".

Sorry but of course it's a conscious choice. It's something we have complete control over as human beings. If we haven't got a conscious choice over something like an affair than what else haven't we got choice over?

If I went out tonight, found a man and had sex with him and this carried on over the next few months then I'd be having an affair. I'd have made tha choice.

I almost understood what you were on about until you said that.

GhostShip... If you met someone tonight and had sex with him, you wouldn't have built up anything other than 'lust'. That's not an affair, that's sex. An affair is not like that, not that I've seen, you'd be missing the 'romance' and the slow burn, which is a huge part of it.

Don't mistake me for an advocate, I'm not, but I can see both sides, having been there myself. I hope I'm never there again.

An affair to me is having sex with someone for a lengthy amount of time. Feelings or not.

Let's say an affair is what you say. That person made the conscious decision to sleep with a different person. Knowing full well it's s possibility they could develope feelings. So there's still blame. There's still that decision. Stil that awful choice.

Affairs do usually start as emotional affairs before physical.

I know what you mean, GhostShip. It IS a choice on some level, but I don't think it's an obvious one in that you reach a crossroads and it's a clear one way or the other. What I mean is that it slips by degrees, tiny non-events that maybe don't even register until you find yourself in the grip of it.

I'm not trying to devalue the pain or the anguish, or romanticise an affair, but I really do understand what people mean when they say, "I don't know how it happened?".

There's blame of course, but it's not consolation whatsoever to be able to levvy it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe this happened to me in a previous relationship and that is exactly what happened, almost word for word. I was happy and very anti cheating, if you'd told me how I would act, I would never have believed you.

14 years on I am happily married to the other man but I'll never forget the horror and guilt of doing that to another person.

To answer the original question, in my opinion no you can't affair proof your marriage.

I am a bloke so have lots of male friends. Before any of them even ever had a girlfriend I could tell you with 100% whether they would be the sort to cheat or not and be right. Typically the ones who do cheat are the ones who find it a lot easier to get girlfriend i.e more popular with women. The ones who tend to be decent bloke very reliable and would never cheat struggle to ever get a girlfriend, maybe this means if they do get a girlfriend they value her more. If in doubt ask their best friend if he thinks they would cheat and see how he responds. If there's a hesitation then there's your answer.

its not new woman gained more control over their bodies with the pill but it has alwas and will always go on now there are more opportunities

yes if a relationship is happy, communication is good and so on it is less likely to happen but not always the case sometimes you are caught up in the moment and you let it happen because we are human and can be very selfish and greedy at times and make mistakes

DisappointedHorse... I'm glad that you're happy now.

If only crystal balls and time travel were available from all good supermarkets...

It's been interesting reading your view on it lying. Something for me to think about.

I have been in a relationship where I was cheated on constantly. I was with the 'man' from 17-19, he was 23. He knew exactly what he was doing, he didn't have an affair though as far as I know. He wasn't clever or emotionally involved enough for that.
I always knew he was a cheater though. Even before he did it. I don't know how and don't know why I stuck with him.

So it's weird now now now I have so much trust in my current DP. I know he wouldn't cheat. Naive maybe.

Sorry that second paragraph isn't in reply to you lying, don't want to confuse things ha.

Me too, GhostShip. I think there are different types of 'affairs' (I know you hate that word, sorry). I would describe what your 23 year old man did as just cheating, out and out. He saw what he wanted and went to get it without thought or regard for you at any point. He wasn't ready to settle down and as you suggest, emotionally immature. I think so many of us 'cut our teeth' on this sort of man - I know that I did.

I think that most people will never, ever have an affair. The reasons for that are varied; not interested, no opportunity, fingers previously burned, risk averse, completely family focused - and myriad others. I'm sure you're right; I think a woman has spidey senses about these things even if they don't always acknowledge them.

One thing I would say though, back to affairs, is that affairees can be blinded to the consequences, almost totally. They can feel completely compelled and propelled along to an eventual conclusion - if they are not very, very careful and able to pull back. I don't think commonsense plays any part in an affair, particularly in view of the risks of hurting all parties involved. It's a very odd and dangerous thing.

Not drinking alcohol ever.