To wonder if you can "affair proof" your marriage?

[WoodlandHills]

Reading the relationships threads, I would say probably not.

And it seems that infidelity either on a small or massive scale (ie from a drunken snog to a full blown love affair for example) is rife.

I have never been cheated on - to my knowledge. But I know that if DH ever cheated no matter to what extent that I would most probably end it. He tells me all the time how much he loves me, how he has never felt this strongly for anyone, how much he fancies me and if he cheated that would turn everything into a lie and make a mockery of everything I thought we had. In past relationships I have cheated out of a lack of respect for my partner and because I knew I didn't really want to be with them anyway, but after 5 years with DH (2 married) I honestly only have eyes for him, of course I can see that other men are attractive but no one measures up to DH (sorry if that sounds corny but its true). I don't suspect him at all by the way, but I never want to go through this and if there is anything I can do to even slightly lower our risk.

When you hear about women who have caught their DHs cheating, they are often pole axed when they find out as they thought everything was rosy. So I am not naive enough to think that its only in bad relationships that cheating happens. so it seems "keeping your man happy" ( ) is not enough anyway.

So.... just putting it out there to see what people think. Have not put this in relationships as I think in AIBU there may be more of a balanced response.

[GhostShip]

To me, that's still not an excuse to cheat. You can't blame someone else for your infidelity. If they treated you that bad, end the relationship. Instead of dragging it out and creating more drama...

In all fairness I've only ever seen instances where the cheater treated the Cheatee badly.

[Bonsoir]

Oh come on, if you were in a highly abusive relationship you might seek solace/love/comfort in someone else's arms. It's not easy if you are being very badly treated to walk away and set up home on your own - all your strength is sapped.

[GhostShip]

But you'd risk making all that worse by having an affair.

Sorry but I just don't think there's any excuse. 'they drove me to it' doesn't do it for me. It doesn't stand up in any other situation so why in this one? Because cheaters want to feel better and pin the blame elsewhere?

[GhostShip]

And I know what it's like to be treated badly. It's emotionally and physically draining.
But if I had cheated I wouldn't be using that to condone my actions.

[Ormiriathomimus]

Of course there are instances of affairs as a retreat from a dreadful or abusive marriage. But I personally don't know of any. The ones I know of were about opportunity and thrills during an otherwise good or adequate marriage. And it takes two to make a marriage good or otherwise. Most of the betrayed partners on here are not abusers or neglectful - just normal human beings with busy lives that sometimes leaves them too little energy to invest in a marriage. But that tommy mind is the point of marriage, to have someone to support you when life gets hard, to watch your back, to be there no matter what, not to sneak off to have your ego stroked when your wife isn't doing it enough.

[Bonsoir]

I don't agree, Orm. It is really, really important not to take the other for granted in a marriage/relationship and lots of ego-stroking needs to go on at home, both ways, all the time.

[shorttermnamechange]

What Orm said!

I think that you should 100% be able to rely on your husband/wife to love you and be faithful to you and if they are unhappy about something within the marriage, to raise it with you and try to fix it, not go off and seek attention from other people on the side, while their spouse is at home, believing that everything is okay.

It's not just the cheated on partner who may have been distracted by work or children etc and not constantly stroking the ego of the other person. Quite often the person who cheated is also distracted by other aspects of their lives and takes their spouse for granted, but still finds the time to go outside of the marriage, rather than making the proper effort within it. That's sneaky and underhand.

Fine for people in a relationship to take a view that monogamy is not a natural state and to live accordingly, so long as both partners take that view and are aware of each other's actions. Where it's wrong is for a person to promise love and fidelity and somewhere along the line, change their mind and not bother to inform their spouse - to actively lie and deceive and betray.

[wordfactory]

Some people do need their egos to be stroked. I've met more than a few. I find it and they tiresome. I wouldn't start a relationship with anyone like that. Well not since adulthood anyway.

Not everyone is like that.
Many are perfectly happy and confident in their own skins. They don't need to be told constantly that they are beautiful or clever or the one.

And those that do need that sort of input will always want more more more. And eventually they will find someone else who strokes their ego just that leetle bit better.

[Bonsoir]

oh LOL LOL LOL wordfactory. I hope your marriage lasts.

[wordfactory]

Well, you can never say never, but we've been together a hell of a long time now .

The thing is we just click. And so it's easy. Always has been. We both think we're the dogs testicles. Always have done. I just don't need DH to tell me constantly how wonderful I am. I know I am . And I know he thinks so. Same with him. Maybe we're just an uber confident pair and don't need that ego stroking shit.

Indeed, it's not even about need, I positively don't want it. Those couples who spend their time telling one another how great they are and adoring one another...it's just noise. And it naver satiates does it? They just need more and more and more affirmation of the grand romance. All a bit tennaged.

[Bonsoir]

You know wordfactory I wish you a long and happy marriage. But your script on how your marriage functions is wordperfect for all the professional-class marriage breakdowns I have ever known (and gosh I know a lot).

[wordfactory]

Weeeellll...I was a family lawyer in my previous existence, so I suspect I've come across every type of relationship breakdown there is...and trust me, there is no common script.

Though you are right, there were professional-class couples who took one aother for granted. Fortunately that doesn't describe DH and I.

Plenty of partnerships where everyone was busy stroking egos broke down too of course...usually when one of them moved on the next big thing where the ego could be stroked just that little bit more beautifully and constantly. The refrain from the deserted partner was generally that they couldn't have done any more.

The way I figure it, no relationship is sacred, but some just work better than others. They are just easier to manoever within. But what makes them work is highly personal. What will work with one couple is anathama to another.

The idea that x and Y works, and z doesn't, is just silly.

[Ormiriathomimus]

I've been married 20 hrs this October . Lived with him before that for a few years. In that time we have had to deal with bereavement, birth of 3 children,both of us working full-time whilst bring ip children, money problems, redundancy, my dad's serious illness and heart bypass, ageing parents who need us, depression (mine, on-going). And through all that time there has been no real infidelity. We were loving and appreciative of each other in spite of it all. It wan't always a passionate ego-stroking marriage, but it was a supportive and loving one. The only serious infidelity happened when the cheating party was was going through a midlife crisis and the opportunity arose. It happens that I was in the midst of a major bout of depression that I was dealing with alone as dh had basically emotionally abandoned me. I do not think I did anything wrong. neither does dh. IME that is the common script for infidelity not the neglected party desperate for love finding consolation in the arms of another.

[Ormiriathomimus]

I've been married 20 yrs this October . Lived with him before that for a few years. In that time we have had to deal with bereavement, birth of 3 children,both of us working full-time whilst bring ip children, money problems, redundancy, my dad's serious illness and heart bypass, ageing parents who need us, depression (mine, on-going). And through all that time there has been no real infidelity. We were loving and appreciative of each other in spite of it all. It wan't always a passionate ego-stroking marriage, but it was a supportive and loving one. The only serious infidelity happened when the cheating party was was going through a midlife crisis and the opportunity arose. It happens that I was in the midst of a major bout of depression that I was dealing with alone as dh had basically emotionally abandoned me. I do not think I did anything wrong. neither does dh. IME that is the common script for infidelity not the neglected party desperate for love finding consolation in the arms of another.

[Bonsoir]

I disagree - there are only a handful of scripts to couple relationships! And the one which goes "We are too adult for romance and ego-stroking" is very dangerous indeed! Especially among the 40+ age group (right up until death).

[Whatmeworry]

Too many people on this thread are looking for a "blameless victim" script. Not helpful going forward, as history will just repeat itself then.

[wordfactory]

Oh Bonsoir you are funny .

You see evryhting through the prism of yourself and your own existence. If it works for you, then it must work for everyone. And if it doesn't work for you, then it must be faulty.

You must know deep down that we are all different. That our lives are different. And that many of us are happy and thriving in compleltely differnet set ups to your own.

[Bonsoir]

I agree, whatmeworry. I have known plenty of "blameless victims" - they are always the ones who move on to lesser things (relationships that are less satisfactory than the previous one) or no relationship at all. People who look at themselves and try to improve on themselves generally move on to healthy satisfying relationships.

[Bonsoir]

I don't think that human biology varies one little jot, wordfactory. We aren't different - we're the same!

[solidgoldbrass]

BOnsoir: That's so ridiculous it makes me wonder if you are actually 14. What about gay people, transgender people, asexual people? What makes some people (for instance) gullible enough to believe in gods/astrology to the extent that such nonsense influences their whole lives? What about sociopaths/narcissist - those who, it is well-documented, are simply born without empathy.

[Bonsoir]

The need for the oxytocin rush is universal to all those people, solidgoldbrass. Talk to a few pyschologists about it! The kind who do MRI experiments.

[mindosa]

Mutual respect is obviously very important as is a sense of fun and enjoying each other and family life.
Lust ebbs and flows in a marriage but its important to have sex regularly.

My DH and I are not a romantic couple but that works for us and we dont affirm each other all the time iyswim.

I do think though that some people are just more likely to have affairs than others and there is little the partner can do to prevent this

[MNsFavouriteManHater]

I am wondering how people in non "professional class" marriage breakdowns act ?

Do they just have an almighty punch up, smash a beer glass on the other's head and declare "it's ovvveerrrr, you twaaaaat"

[GhostShip]

When my ex cheated on me with my friend I punched him :)

[gobblegobs]

Haven't we digressed from the initial question? Can we affair proof a marriage? The answer is loud and resounding no. We can do our part in it, make sure we don't neglect a marriage or stop working at it if we want the relationship to be successful. We cannot control someone else. No.
If the other half still cheats, we can decide if its worth staying in or walk away.
Is it the end of the world? No!