To wonder if you can "affair proof" your marriage?

[WoodlandHills]

Reading the relationships threads, I would say probably not.

And it seems that infidelity either on a small or massive scale (ie from a drunken snog to a full blown love affair for example) is rife.

I have never been cheated on - to my knowledge. But I know that if DH ever cheated no matter to what extent that I would most probably end it. He tells me all the time how much he loves me, how he has never felt this strongly for anyone, how much he fancies me and if he cheated that would turn everything into a lie and make a mockery of everything I thought we had. In past relationships I have cheated out of a lack of respect for my partner and because I knew I didn't really want to be with them anyway, but after 5 years with DH (2 married) I honestly only have eyes for him, of course I can see that other men are attractive but no one measures up to DH (sorry if that sounds corny but its true). I don't suspect him at all by the way, but I never want to go through this and if there is anything I can do to even slightly lower our risk.

When you hear about women who have caught their DHs cheating, they are often pole axed when they find out as they thought everything was rosy. So I am not naive enough to think that its only in bad relationships that cheating happens. so it seems "keeping your man happy" ( ) is not enough anyway.

So.... just putting it out there to see what people think. Have not put this in relationships as I think in AIBU there may be more of a balanced response.

I think you both have to prioritise the marriage. It's too easy to take things for granted, keep 'putting off' that night out because you are both knackered from work and raising kids, get ground down by the sheer drudgery sometimes

^^ That.

While you can't "proof" it, I do think it is possible to reduce the probability.

I also (reading some threads on here) think a lot of people (men and women) want their partners to treat them far better than they are prepared to treat their partners, and that is not good long term.

No you can't prevent someone else's infidelity, you can only prevent your own.

I'm interested in the posts that imply that if someone isn't putting as much into their relationship as they should do, their partner night cheat on them - when in reality, the reverse is often true. The person who makes the least effort in the relationship is often the one who will give self-permission to cheat. I've come across this in loads of relationships i.e. a man who is selfish, doesn't carry his domestic or childcare weight, stops 'noticing' his wife as a human being, uses porn instead of coming to bed and then moans that sex is infrequent - is often the one who will have an affair. Or the woman who needs to be adored and treated like a pampered princess, is self-absorbed, blames her husband for every bad life decision she ever made, thinks her husband should always be up for sex (because he's a man) and often abdicates from being an adult in her relationship - is often the one who will have an affair.

A good guide to whether a partner will cheat is how invested he or she is in the relationship, not how invested you are. It stands to reason that you won't actively set out to damage something that you regard as precious and in which you've made a significant investment. It's also better to be realistic as a couple about how tempting it is to have someone hitting on you or hero-worshipping you and what safeguards you'll both put in place. Better to acknowledge you're both human rather than pretending it could never happen.

I agree with Lying's take however on how affairs start and how these are not necessarily a result of a bad relationship or an active decision to cheat, more a blurring of boundaries until it's too late. I also worked in France once though and I'd disagree with the observation that the French are able to compartmentalise as much as the stereotype suggests. I saw pain and fall-out there much like I've seen here, in other European countries and in the US where I've also worked. It's more about people's personalities whether they can compartmentalise or turn a blind eye - not everyone can.

No. You can do whatever you like but if they decide to look elsewhere there is fuck all you can do about it. Sorry. In my case it wasn't about me, or our marriage, it was about him and his issues. Want to affair proof your marriage? Marry the perfect human, with no issues,, hang-ups, baggage and imperfect parents. Good luck

Krum is right, alcohol is probably responsible for the start of a lot of affairs.

My marriage is built on an affair, we were both in relationships, he married and I engaged. And yes, as Ghostship says, we made choices every step of the way. We chose to flirt for months, we chose to have a drunken snog, we chose to sleep together and ultimately we chose to end our relationships. Shame we did those things in totally the wrong order. I also agree with the sentiment that you don't have have an affair if you truly love your partner. I felt very trapped in my relationship, as I knew deep down I didn't love my fiancé. The affair was the catalyst, but I wish I'd had the balls to just say 'no' when he popped the question, as what happened subsequently was really shitty, and neither he nor DH's exW deserved it.

I can't imagine cheating now, as I love DH, and though we have our squabbles, for the most part we are very happy. We also have DC now, and I know we would never want to hurt them. However, can I honestly say I never worry that DH will find another mistress? No, I can't, and it's no more than I deserve. He says it's different this time, because he's with the right person, and as that's how I feel I have to put my faith in that...

I don't think there is a recipe for a good relationship. I find it so depressing sometimes reading the relationships threads. I've learned so much form them too though.

Many posters are saying it is important to have your own interests and a bit of a separate life, but in my case one of the reasons i walked out of my previous marriage failed was because my ex and i were different people into different things and we grew apart.

I think it's true that jealousy and neediness can be unattractive, but the absence of these things doesn't guarantee anything either. See above.

My lovely DH and i both know what we are both capable of infidelity wise. We've both either cheated and/or been cheated on. Perhaps because of this we are both more aware of how fragile and rare that blissful 'properly in love' with your partner, not just staying with your partner, state is. Perhaps because we both know how slippery the slippery slope is to ruining a relationship we'll both take pains to stay well away from the slope. We both say it's different this time, and that it feels like it should. Hasn't felt like this with anyone else.

I bloody hope so because i love my DH (together 5 years, married 4 months) so completely, and it would kill me if he cheated on me. This is a feeling that is new to me. For me i've found 'the one' this time. I hope it really is true for him too.

I don't think you can prevent the possibility of an affair, unless it is by marrying someone who just was incapable of doing it.

As someone else mentioned, to some men (people?) it is inherent to their nature.
I know a man who had an affair for several years during his first marriage, which then broke down as a result (or certainly after it was found out) and then after a few months, found someone to replace his wife, while still seeing the mistress, and after marrying the second wife, went on to repeat the affair with the same mistress, a few years into the marriage...not on the same scale but it was as though he could revert to this 'extra' relationship whenever he wanted to.
I think some people just have that sort of mindset, where affairs are not seen as anathema, where the marriage is sought after and required somehow but so is the option to stray.
I think commitment phobia has something to do with it - there is always something in place to prevent absolute closeness with either of the partners.

And if you are married to someone like this, then you're stuffed really. He admits that if she had any idea what he was doing, she would throw him out - but that doesn't seem to worry him unduly, not enough to prevent him taking the risk.

Don't you think if people keep forgiving their other halves, it gets lost in the translation? In my experience, its often taken as a get out of jail card for the offending partner to repeat the behavior.

In the past, the "commitment" of marriage was a public commitment. The public shame of failure to keep vows, of adultery/divorce etc was a powerful disincentive to straying from your partner.

These days, the commitment of marriage is a private commitment. Divorce is no longer shameful. It can be, for some people, a lot harder to keep a private commitment than a public one. And, yes, "keeping your man/woman happy" is going to be a lot more critical in a private commitment than a public one.

What I am trying to say is, no point having empty threats if your partner knows you will not follow it through.
And the answer IMO, to the initial question is no, you can't affair proof it.
You can however certainly reduce the chances of such trespasses as mentioned in the thread so far.
It may be how you deal with the fallout that shape your future, in the same relationship or any other that follow.

Its difficult. My DP and I had a blip about 2 years ago. He had issues in work, I had personal issues and wasn't interested in a physical relationship. I couldn't bear listening to his work woes as it was making me angry. In that period I was always worried he'd look elsewhere. I know it's not his style and I know he would tell me (or at least that's what he has always said). I had almost prepared myself for him coming home one day and admitting an affair.

At that period I would have had to forgive him I think.

Now everything is great, physically (as it can be with two toddlers who never sleep) and emotionally. If he had to walk in now and admit to anything I'd make him leave.

BUT I just have to trust him, he's never gave me any reason in 9 years to doubt him. I'm not going to start doing more to make sure he doesn't stray.

Gobble - while I'd agree with that, I'd also say that implied 'consent' is sometimes assumed from the fact that the wife didn't notice, didn't find out or didn't consider the possibility. In fact she has no control whatsoever unless it is to leave the marriage.

I think sometimes the catalyst is when an opportunity arises which creates a sense of hurt or anger in the man who will not seek to resolve this with the wife, but instead take it as an excuse to cheat on her.

I find this really sad, but it does happen. Some men will want to discuss dynamics and feelings and the balance in a marriage but other simply will refuse to do this and prefer to redress it in an underhand way instead.

Yes you can. Only form relationships with grown ups. This applies generally to most relationship queries.

Purely personally speaking i just cannot imagine why you'd be unfaithful to someone whom you genuinely loved, cherished and found sexy.

(as long as the someone is loving you back of course).

I wouldn't cheat on my DH. I did cheat on my ex. The 2 relationships are like chalk and cheese though.

Seeker, most people have within them an element of not being grown up - also of not being perfect, which is a different thing.

I don't think it's easy to find someone who is entirely affair-resistant.

Even in the relationship I had with what to me appeared the most healthy partner possible, it was not proof - when things became very difficult between us, for our own reasons, he was tempted to begin some kind of intimacy with someone else, and even before this I was tempted to wander off with a famous singer I was attracted to and met on several occasions.

This was despite the love between us - we found that we had feelings for other people, desires to explore other aspects of ourselves and eventually our relationship foundered, though we stayed incredibly close for several years after.

Perhaps we were just too young. I should say that there were no affairs - but we discussed how we felt about other people, we were honest - perhaps that was the grown up part of it. To hide a second relationship is a horrible thing to do.

I don't tend to judge those who fall in love outside their marriages. I judge them for being dishonest about it though. And I have done it myself briefly, years ago.

I think its too black and white to put it down to being grown up or not. I know someone who cheated as her husband was very abusive and controlling. It was her way out. Yes the cowards way out, but it was nothing to do with immaturity.she felt utterly trapped in her marriage. It was destroying her.

She found someone who fully appreciated her and loved her. Her husband didnt cherish her, but the man she had the affair with did. They are still together 6 years later.I hate cheating, but in that case I could completley understand why it happened.

I personally think she should have ended her marriage first, but I think she was broken after 20 years of constant abuse and control.

I know the grown up thing is a bit of a generalisation. But, with very few exceptions, practically everyone I know who have had affairs have given the most childish reasons. Usually something along the lines of "I couldn't resist and then it was so exciting and fabulous I couldn't stop myself"

As Tim Minchin says h says when anyone comes on to him "I would give anything to have an affair with you- except what I've got"

I think there are 2 factors at play:

a) the sort of person your DH is and how likely he is to stray

and

b) the state of your marriage - including sex and open communications

Obviously you can work on b) but a) can't be easily changed!

OP I think if you base the state of things on the 'relationships' thread then you're getting a pretty biased view of things - in general people only post on there when they have a problem - you don't see many 'just wanted to tell you all how happy I am' threads on there, do you? Doesn't mean nobody is though.

Personally I do think some relationships are more 'affair proof' than others - but some of that is down to luck. My parents loved each other, treated each other with respect and neither would have ever cheated on the other. DH's parents were much the same. Therefore I think the idea of cheating is completely shocking and alien to both me and DH - which maybe 'affair proofs' us both to some extent. But the fact that we've been together for years, have three children (the eldest mid-teens), but still have 'chemistry' (ie the hots for each other ) and get along really well 99% of the time, obviously helps too - some of which, I suppose, is luck too.

I disagree that it's impossible to have an affair if you really love your partner. I think this myth leads to a lot of foolish people dumping their marriages when they get infatuated with someone else. Having an affair is often a reflection of how you feel about yourself not your partner.

I think there's too much emphasis on the risk factors within a relationship, hence the OP wondering whether she has any control over this and the myth that if people 'keep their spouse happy' they can prevent infidelity.

I think there should be more open dialogue about the risk factors in the individual, but these never get openly discussed. The relationships boards always reflect what I notice in RL i.e. the people having affairs are (in their relationships) poor communicators about feelings, selfish, low on personal responsibility, economical with the truth, secretive, often have addictive personalities (alcohol, drugs, gambling, gaming, porn) and one of the biggest risk factors of all - accepting of their own infidelity if the circumstances have suited them in the past.

My husband would have said he was completely committed to our marriage and completely in love with me. It didn't stop him from having no boundaries when it came to flirting and having sexual conversations and looking at the naked pictures of OW. The closest thing he has said to explaining why is that he never trusted in our relationship, felt I was settling for him. So was maybe seeking validation elsewhere. He didn't actually sleep with any other person - he says that would have crossed his own boundaries. We did have some issues around our sex life, which does maybe go some way to explaining it.

The Shirley Glass book talks about windows and walls - there should be walls around your relationship that other people cannot penetrate and windows between you and your partner. If you create windows with other people, you are vulnerable to an affair. That very act of not having proper boundaries and sharing things with someone else that you should be sharing with your partner, creates a wall between you. So, it does come down to boundaries. Facebook etc, makes it easy to let other people 'in'.

The French view on this is interesting, but for me, if one person is cheating, they are taking something away from their partner even if their partner doesn't know it.

Short what you say about 'windows' and 'walls' is interesting (I don't know the book you mention) - some of my friends joke about me and DH living in a 'little bubble' because we never moan about each other to other people.

When my friends/female relatives get together I sometimes get the piss taken out of me a bit (in a friendly way - mostly) because I don't join in with the man-slating - only because I honestly don't have any reason to. And if I ever did feel upset about something DH did, I would talk to him about it, not anybody else, because I feel really strongly that our relationship is our business, not anybody else's.

badtaste, I don't know about that. My Father had an affair with a woman and the fall out of this has had a huge impact on my life and DBs, especially DBs who at 37 still struggles to have a close relationship with him, i think due to the past. I can't speak for my DB but he has created a life for himself and his family that is very stable and conventional. We have both seeked relationships with people that are keen on stability, security and in my own case it is definitely a reaction to the past. My DB has been incredibly successful in his career and is very rich I think all the drive is from not wanting to be anything like me Father who in his view is weak, demonstrative in his inability to be loyal to anyone and lacking in self discipline.

My DB describes my Father as 'childish'. Despite my Dad being 66, it is sometimes difficult to comprehend as he's very childish. My DB is very old for his 37 years, again all a reaction to my Dad's affair! So I think growing up without the stability you describe can also be the driving force behind the pursuit of an affair free adult existence!

My Dad met the woman he had an affair with at a political event he attended with my mother. She lived around the corner from us and it evolved much in the way lying described. He was only found out because the woman wrote a letter to my mum asking her to divorce him because she didn't love him like she did. It all unravelled and she then rang our house to tell my mother she would commit suicide if my Father didn't leave us.

They went on to live together for 15 years, split up 2 years ago but within that time my father had a couple more affairs and so did she with a friend's husband! I do think some people have more of an inclination but then again is that a cop out?

Goldenbear I suppose it can work both ways, ie a very good experience or very bad experience of your parents' relationship could make you determined to either have what they had, or to definitely not.

I do think the idea of having 'walls' between you (as in both of you in a RL) and others makes a lot of sense. I know people who seem to announce every little aspect of their relationship with their partner to the world (ie Facebook, etc) and it makes me wonder what is left (apart from sex!) to make their relationship intimate and different to the relationships they have with other people.

Yes who knows though. I cannot say that I will never have an affair but I will seek not to knowing the damage it can cause, especially when there are children involved.

Facebook and social networking have been mentioned a lot - as well as giving opportunity, they also create more ways for affairs to be discovered.