To wonder if you can "affair proof" your marriage?

[WoodlandHills]

Reading the relationships threads, I would say probably not.

And it seems that infidelity either on a small or massive scale (ie from a drunken snog to a full blown love affair for example) is rife.

I have never been cheated on - to my knowledge. But I know that if DH ever cheated no matter to what extent that I would most probably end it. He tells me all the time how much he loves me, how he has never felt this strongly for anyone, how much he fancies me and if he cheated that would turn everything into a lie and make a mockery of everything I thought we had. In past relationships I have cheated out of a lack of respect for my partner and because I knew I didn't really want to be with them anyway, but after 5 years with DH (2 married) I honestly only have eyes for him, of course I can see that other men are attractive but no one measures up to DH (sorry if that sounds corny but its true). I don't suspect him at all by the way, but I never want to go through this and if there is anything I can do to even slightly lower our risk.

When you hear about women who have caught their DHs cheating, they are often pole axed when they find out as they thought everything was rosy. So I am not naive enough to think that its only in bad relationships that cheating happens. so it seems "keeping your man happy" ( ) is not enough anyway.

So.... just putting it out there to see what people think. Have not put this in relationships as I think in AIBU there may be more of a balanced response.

[Bonsoir]

No-one can affair-proof a marriage, that's for sure.

One of the big issues facing our generation is the ease with which people walk away from marriage compared with our parents' generation and that of our grandparents. The role models we grew up with, of people ticking along together not-very-happily but securely, are totally inappropriate in a world where it is much easier to leave a marriage and start again. We all need to work much harder at our relationships than our parents and grandparents did if we want them to be sustainable.

[wordfactory]

It interests me that of the sixty DC in my DC's year at school, only two DC had separated parents. A couple more had mothers who were widows.

And during the eight years my DS attended the school only two more couples split up. Actually there were three but one couple reconciled.

This is highly unusual statistically no?

I wonder what makes these couples atypical?

[wordfactory]

I menat only two sets of parents as of reception IYSWM. By year 8, there were five sets separated, but one couple reconciled, so four overall.

[Bonsoir]

What's their demographic?

[wordfactory]

Middle class, educated, well off (think banker, lawyer, accountant, journo, CEO).
Very few had children before 30.

[Bonsoir]

White? Anglican (or Atheist-Anglican)? Home counties? Commuter belt?

[wordfactory]

Predominantly white anglican, with a smattering of Asian, African, Chinese.
Commuter belt to the city. Dh says he sees half the DC's Dads on the train in the morning .
Hardly any of us actually from here.

[wordfactory]

Oh, and some families from France, the Netherlands, Belgium etc

[Bonsoir]

Probably too young, busy and focused to have got to the mid-life crisis yet

[wordfactory]

I guess they (we) are aged between 43-50ish. A couple of Dads are around 55, but I wouldn't think anyone was older than that.

To be honest, I would have expected more couples to split in the eight years I've known them. There are one or two I would have bet my arse on...there's also oneDad who I know had an affair...but they all stay together.

My Mum says they all have too much to lose.

[Bonsoir]

Hmm. IME the richer the couple, the easier it is to split and still have enough cash!

[Bonsoir]

Having said that, I know some very rich and not-very-happy couples who are so enamoured with their lifestyle that they just go on and on showing it all off to everyone. All is well providing they don't actually have to spend any time en tête-à-tête...

[wordfactory]

That's what my Mum says bonsoir.
They don't want to give it all up. Particularly some of the pampered princesses. So they turn a blind eye...

I think though, that it's probably easier to stay together if you're rich. It protects you from many of the day-to-day problems that can grind people down. And you have plenty of cash for the things that can make life fun.

My Nan always used to say when poverty comes in the door, love flies out of the window.

[Bonsoir]

For some of the princesses, I think it's even more deep-seated that not wanting to give it all up - it's the very reason they married that person in the first place. I know some couples that have literally zero common ground beyond consumption habits (homes, cars, furniture, clothing, holidays) and DCs. No idea at all about what the other does all day or thinks about.

[wordfactory]

That is definitely true.
I know one woman who must have married her DH for money as he is wihtout doubt the most boring man I have ever met. I would pay good money not to have to sit next to him at a dinner table.

But they live in Cinderella's castle and have the obligatory flat in town, house in Marbella etc.

Fortunatley for my DH this is not somehting he need ever worry about as when I met him he didn't have a pot to piss in .

[BeeBee12]

Of course you can never be 100% but if you get on really well, very passionate and best friends from the start, lots of similar interests and common ground, good sex, good communication etc then it is much less likely and a lot of the problems you see on sites like this just wouldnt really arise.

[motherinferior]

Frankly, if I have to invest in ego-stroking as way of Keeping My Man, I think I'll kiss him goodbye.

I am quite busy enough.

[motherinferior]

Also, I find the sort of blokes - and I've met and indeed loved a fair few - who assume ego-stroking as their right are incredibly annoying and don't really give my own enormous ego room to flourish.

Lot to be said for Not Paying Much Attention to your partner, IMO. Mr Inferior and I are frightfully good at this. He seems a splendid bloke on those occasions where I do spend time in his company, but mostly we Maintain the Mystery

[mindosa]

A place in Marbella is my worst nightmare - she can have him!