To wonder if you can "affair proof" your marriage?

[WoodlandHills]

Reading the relationships threads, I would say probably not.

And it seems that infidelity either on a small or massive scale (ie from a drunken snog to a full blown love affair for example) is rife.

I have never been cheated on - to my knowledge. But I know that if DH ever cheated no matter to what extent that I would most probably end it. He tells me all the time how much he loves me, how he has never felt this strongly for anyone, how much he fancies me and if he cheated that would turn everything into a lie and make a mockery of everything I thought we had. In past relationships I have cheated out of a lack of respect for my partner and because I knew I didn't really want to be with them anyway, but after 5 years with DH (2 married) I honestly only have eyes for him, of course I can see that other men are attractive but no one measures up to DH (sorry if that sounds corny but its true). I don't suspect him at all by the way, but I never want to go through this and if there is anything I can do to even slightly lower our risk.

When you hear about women who have caught their DHs cheating, they are often pole axed when they find out as they thought everything was rosy. So I am not naive enough to think that its only in bad relationships that cheating happens. so it seems "keeping your man happy" ( ) is not enough anyway.

So.... just putting it out there to see what people think. Have not put this in relationships as I think in AIBU there may be more of a balanced response.

I don't think that it has to be the end of everything, but whether it is or not rather depends upon the nature of the affair, how the spouse discovered it, subsequent behaviour, commitment to the primary relationship and the personalities of the couple involved. Some people can get over this, others cannot.

I agree that we should be the best people that we can be and of course no one can utterly prevent/manage someone else's behaviour. I would hope though, that people can be happy in their lives/relationships without lying and deceiving the person they claim to love.

What is an "illusion"?

I'm interested in the posts that imply that if someone isn't putting as much into their relationship as they should do, their partner night cheat on them - when in reality, the reverse is often true. The person who makes the least effort in the relationship is often the one who will give self-permission to cheat

So, do you think your partner is more likely to cheat on you if you:

(i) Treat them like crap
(ii) Treat them as you would want to be treated.

No whatmeworry. I don't think that's true.
In abusive relationships it's often the abuser that cheats for example

I agree with Krumbum in that point. In every case I've seen it's always the one who doesn't give 100% in the relationship that cheats, but then still has the audacity to blame the other person.

God, if I'd have woken up every morning for the last 28 years and had to make a concious decision to stay in my marriage, I'd be bloody exhausted by now!
If you have to even consider it then your marriage can't be up to much in the first place.
The reason DH has stayed faithful to me and I to him all these years boils down to respect, nothing more - if you respect your partner and yourself then you are highly unlikely to cheat .

Whatmeworry it's neither of your narrow definitions, probably because you focus on the behaviour of the person who's faithful rather than the one who isn't. It would be more relevant to the point being made if you asked:

So, do you think your partner is more likely to cheat on you if s/he:

(i) Treats you like crap
(ii) Treats you as s/he would want to be treated.

i think often people look into why people cheat too much

sometimes it is about attractions and sex nothing more, it is not they are not happy at home, that they are bored, they need to feel attractive/loved or not very much in love its not to say they are not being selfish it is just sometimes there is nothing more to the fling than that

i think far more people are having affairs or have had an affair than let on yet still happy with their partner i am not sure if this is right or wrong but i do not think it is the be all and end all to a relationship to stay sexually faithful

I think sometimes it's just opportunity.

It's predominantly because monogamy, especially for the length of time adults live now, is unnatural. That doesn't mean that no one does it or wants to do it, just that it's not something that suits everyone, any more than learning to play the trombone does. The cult of monogamy and the way people are encouraged to pursue it and police it (to the point of violence and even murder) is about something completely different to natural instinct: it's about ownership on one level and these days, it's about economics in many ways. Including the vast chunks of money that can be made by peddling ways to make monogamy more enjoyable and manageable . That's nearly as good a lifetime income generator as woo-bollocks or selling slimming methods. And just as much of a no-comebacks con.

I don't actually get why someone would cheat unless they are not happy in their marriage, fun, excitement, drama, low self esteem????

I think there is also a problem where both parties show love in completely different ways. If you treat someone the way you would like to be treated, this is great if it matches with the way they want you to treat them.

I would turn the statement round. Don't treat your loved ones the way you would like to be treated. Treat your loved ones the way they would like to be treated, and that takes one hell of a lot of communication to find out

silver, I used to think that people who cheated would have said they were unhappy in their marriages, but now I think that is not true. It is merely something we tell ourselves in order to feel better and safer in our own relationships, because the fact is, that lots of people cheat who are genuinely not unhappy in their marriages.

I think that low self esteem might be a factor, or other issues to do with the cheater's background and personality.

No marriage is going to be wall to wall excitement, every day, which is why people have to have some moral values and actively choose to be honourable people and not the kind of person who justifies to themselves all the lying and deceiving.

I would also point out that even if you have an agreement with your partner that neither of you will ever have an affair behind the other one's back, you can't guarantee that you or your partner won't fall in love with someone else, end the existing relationship and move on to the new partner. There are no guarantees.

solidgoldbrass- interesting that you call monogamy a cult, I have been thinking alot about this, why do you say it is a cult? Im inclined to agree with you btw

I agree we are all brainwashed, we are all fed this fairy tale bullshit of a prince coming along and we have a happy ever after. Marriage was used to sell woman off and make heirs and we still all buy into it, without dowerys nowadays though.

Whatmeworry it's neither of your narrow definitions, probably because you focus on the behaviour of the person who's faithful rather than the one who isn't.

So, what you are essentially saying is that you can treat your partner however craply you like, and if they cheat on you its always their fault, because they were the type who was going to cheat anyway?

That is just a convenient untruth.

Whatmeworry, I think the assumption there is that the person who cheats may have their own personal issues which makes it more likely for them to look outside the marriage in difficult times.

If one partner treats the other like crap, then it is still better imo to end that relationship, before embarking on a new one.

I grew up on a diet of Mills&Boon, and dammit, that's what I want without the arrogance and double standards displayed by some of the 'heroes', admittedly

If one partner treats the other like crap, the partner who is badly treated is often demoralised and weakened and needs another party to give him/her the strength to leave.

Yes, that's probably true and if a person is being treated very badly, I would, in reality, make no moral judgements about them finding someone else.

Where I judge is with people who do it just because they can, who are not desperately unhappy, or poorly treated by their spouse, or who are too weak to think about consequences and the hurt they cause and their children's stability.

The brave and honourable thing is to try and resolve your issues and speak to your spouse, not look outside for validation. I hate how cheaters lie to themselves - that what they have with someone else is 'just friendship', or innocent or will cause no harm. They know deep down that this isn't true and it fucks me right off that they peddle this shit to themselves or to suspicious spouses, who can see the danger signs in their relationship.

If that's the case gold brass how come some animals practice monogamy?

If a partner is treating you like crap then you have a multitude of other options other than to wait to be rescued by someone else. Divorce has never been easier and shared parenting and finances becoming the norm. Just about the only time it's defensible excuse is if you're in an abusive relationship and someone else gives you the confidence to leave, but even then it's often better to be one one's own and have some breathing space, because abuse takes its toll on mental health and often means people's radar about other potential abusers is skewed, meaning that they swap a Grade A abuser for a Grade B. After all, it's not especially safe for an abused person to be found out in an affair and so someone who really cared would be a friend, not a secret lover.

Maybe it depends too on what you mean by being 'treated like crap' though.

I suspect it's not the above.

For some people, it's a partner having the temerity to complain about having unequal workloads and leisure time, or about feeling invisible and taken for granted, or that porn is ruining their relationship and their sex life. But that often gets reduced by a cheat to 'nag who wouldn't have sex'.

Ultimately, it is absurd to say that people's reasons for having affairs are always connected to their perceptions of crap treatment by a partner. Fortunately I think our understanding has moved on from the old clichés about 'my wife doesn't understand me' and it's surprising to see that particular myth re-packaged and still doing the rounds.

The ones that make me laugh are the serial monogamists.

They move from one long term relationship (often marriage) where they declare undying devotion...until their eye is caught by someone else. Then they suddenly decide they're not being treated properly by their partner and take up with the new person.

They declare undying devotion for that person (often get married). Until someone else catches their eye...

And why do the new partners fall for it? Do they really believe the serial monogamist was hopelessly unhappy until they came along? Do theye seriously believe that they will be the one? That the serial monogamist didn't declare devotion to the last one? Or the one before?

I am dying to find out in what way I treated dh like crap, or was an inadequate partner, how I failed to put enough into my marriage, to justify his affair. If any of you could tell me I'd be very grateful as I am totally flummoxed.

Fortunately dh admits it was all down to his inadequacies so I can shop beating myself up. Phew!

Doubt you can completely affair proof your marriage, although am pretty certain my DH has never cheated on me in 25 years, and I haven't on him. Non one has ever come close to making me want to lose what we have built up over that time.