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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not to want to go out with my SIL and nephew

294 replies

GimmieChocolate · 03/08/2012 22:30

Going to be a long one so get your cuppas and hobnobs ready!

My SIL has a 4 year old son who's quite, um, lively. Whenever they come to our house he has to be centre of attention, running around, jumping up and down, generally being very annoying. He interrupts, thinks it's acceptable to demand things etc... He's also the same when out.

This week I met them in town with my 10 week old DD and we went for lunch. Nephew was not only child in restaurant of his kind of age but he was the only one running up and down not sitting in his seat, being loud. We were talking about my DD and he kept saying "look at me, look at me, look what im doing, look at me" as for all of a minute it wasnt about him. He was given his options for lunch which when arrived he had cut into small pieces for him which he then ate with his fingers!! At 4!! There was a pot of mayonnaise put on the table which he just put his hand into, licked and then did same again so no one else could then really have any, and then went to touch my DD. I very quickly stopped him as yes ok I might be a bit pfb, but i didn't want Germy, grubby, sticky mayonnaise hands on my DD! He was then having his drink and flicking the straw around so I kept getting bits of juice flicked at me. I did say to him "you've just flicked your drink on me" and he just carried on. To be honest I did not enjoy the whole lunch. And by the way, the whole eating with hands thing is not unusual, I've never seen him use cutlery.

Fast forward to walking around town, I wanted to get DD a few bits of clothes and when I'd paid for them he just turned and said " can you buy me a present now" I was completely shocked that he just came out with it and said "it's not polite to ask for things" to which he replied "don't be silly yes it is so can you buy me a present" I obviously didn't buy him anything but he went on and on about it until he got into a strop!

We then all went into another shop where SIL got him a paddling pool but that wasn't good enough, no, he had a full on tantrum as she wouldn't buy him any other toys from in there. I was mortifiyingly embarrassed to be seen with them if I'm honest.

She wants to meet up regularly so she can see my DD, her niece, but I really do not want to be out with her DS. That behaviour is quite normal for him and I find it embarrassing and just quite unacceptable for a child to behave. If it was a one off I could understand, but he's like it every time I've seen him!

Am I really BU that I don't want to be out with him?

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 03/08/2012 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HecateHarshPants · 03/08/2012 22:41

He's 4. he's a product of his upbringing. His parents are 100% at fault here. I'd be more cross with them than with him. I would view the parent I was with as causing the problem by not dealing with their child appropriately.

So YANBU if you don't want to go out with your sil and nephew again because she doesn't actually discipline her child when she's out with you and it ruins the day Grin

bobbledunk · 03/08/2012 23:28

yanbu, he sounds like torture.

I stopped going out in public with one particular friend who thinks her toddlers inappropriate behaviour is adorable and refuses to discipline him, the final straw was when he ate chips from a fellow diners (stranger) plate and when she tried to alert my friend the response was a cheery 'oh it's ok, he loves his chips'. I have never been so embarrassed. Never again.

Some parents just haven't a clue, refuse to get one and their kids will only get worse.

my2centsis · 03/08/2012 23:44

I'd like to relive this thread when your dd is 4. However I dont blame you for being embarresed!

Boggler · 03/08/2012 23:48

He sounds a handful but why oh why did you and your sil think a lunch and a shopping trip would be entertaining for a 4 yr old? The poor boy was probably bored and whilst his behaviour sounds bad the adults here need to try and see things from a child's viewpoint - lunch and shopping is boring. Next time you go out try going to the park with a picnic he can run about and play on the swings etc I think you might see a difference. If you don't and he's still a pain then ditch the meetings or ave them when he's at school/nursery.

dietstartstmoz · 03/08/2012 23:58

Well he sounds like both of my boys now-aged 7 & 4(with asd). Yes its annoying but he is only 4 and would have found sitting for lunch and clothes shopping very boring. And i dont think he is being rude asking for a present-i'm sure many parents use bribery as a reward. I think you are being a bit pfb, although he does sound a handful. I would not be able to take my boys for a lunch/shopping trip without it being a nightmare. Save those trips for when he is at nursery/school and when you see him do something more child focussed. He wont be little for long and you do need to consider what he wants to do and avoid the problem situations to make life easier. I guess he is your sil's pfb!

NameGames · 04/08/2012 00:00

YANBU to find it annoying. But he's four and with a new/exciting person. he's testing boundaries and your DD may do it too. So cut everyone some slack.

I have recently been mortified by my 4 year olds asking visitors for presents as they walk in the door (my DCs have never been given presents by visitors, I have no idea where it came from); pulling on the skirt Shock of a waitress at a restaurant and ordering "diet lemonade" (they have had fizzy pop 6 times in their lives so far, at other people's parties, it's just not what we buy); and throwing potatoes across the room (this is the only time they have ever thrown food at the table, at least since they were 14 odd months) at SIL's house while her three, normally rambunctious, DCs sat angelically with perfect table manners.

Not to mention numerous melt downs in front of visitors over things we always say "no" to.

While lax parenting might encourage a lot of the behaviours you describe, they aren't unnatural acts for a 4 year old that only happen because of some deficiency. I have a nephew who was very like your description until last year when, at seven, he transformed into a thoughtful and helpful kid. Parenting hadn't suddenly become stricter, he just seemed to suddenly understand his impact ont he world and started to enjoy being a part of civil society.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 04/08/2012 00:02

Tell your SiL why you don't want to go anywhere in public with her, and tell her why you don't want her child in your house until he can behave. It's her fault, but if she doesn't shape up soon (and your nephew's father if he's around) then that poor child is going to have an awful time of it at school, and it could even affect his whole life. Why don't these lazy fucking neglectful parents realise that total lack of discipline and teaching their children how to behave well is bloody important :( And it is neglectful really, because it's the child who suffers the consequences, as well as everyone who comes in contact with that child. It's not fair on anyone.

clemetteattlee · 04/08/2012 00:02

Blimey, you really don't like him very much do you? Lots of hostility in that post about a four year old child.

lowercase · 04/08/2012 00:03

like my2 says, wait til your 10 week old is 4....

a park is more of a suitable venue for a 4 year old boy.

just sounds as if he was excited to me.

lowercase · 04/08/2012 00:04

yabu!

dietstartstmoz · 04/08/2012 00:06

Have none of you had a 4 yr old who was a pain in the ass in a public place when bored? (maybe it is just me!)

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 04/08/2012 00:08

If it helps, I don't think he wants to be out with you either.

ImperialBlether · 04/08/2012 00:09

I think his parents are to blame for his behaviour.

What was his mum doing whilst he was behaving like that?

Original poster
GimmieChocolate · 04/08/2012 07:18

I should of said we were going to be going out to a place with a park, water, ducks etc but was chucking down which is why SIL suggested town. And this behaviour is normal whether he's at home or out.

I was b

OP posts:
Original poster
GimmieChocolate · 04/08/2012 07:21

Damn phone....

I was brought up with manners and even at a young age I knew how to behave when out and my DD will be taught manners from a young age too. This is my DH's sister and he says the same as me and he would not accept that kind of behaviour from DD when she's older.

OP posts:
JumpingThroughHoops · 04/08/2012 07:23

It isn't normal behaviour at all. It is attention seeking. By 4 he's just about ready for school and should know his boundaries.

I hate to do the whole ^when we were growing up" thing, children knew their place and were not allowed such precocious behaviour. Your SIL is far too indulgent. If any of mine had even attempted one tenth of what your DN did, they'd have been taken home, pronto. One the other hand, normal parents anticipate boredom and either go somewhere like a Charlie Chalk, where they can go in the ball pit OR you take colouring books etc if it's a more civilised outing.

I suppose someone will be along to on line diagnose ADHD and suggest she gets him looked at

helenthemadex · 04/08/2012 07:30

what a boring and totally unsuitable day out for a four year old,

try doing something that he might like, picnic in the park, soft play hell pits of doom and see how he is then before you judge although from your post it does sound like you really dont like him

Original poster
GimmieChocolate · 04/08/2012 07:33

Apologies to drip fees, but for those that said not ideal trip for 4 yr old SIL said it was near his lunch time so could we go somewhere for that and I was in one clothes shop for all of 5 minutes to pick up 2 romper suits!

OP posts:
clemetteattlee · 04/08/2012 07:34

Which is worse a lively four year old or an adult talking about a child in the condemnatory tones you do?
Behaviour only improves in an environment of love and support. Do you love your nephew?
You are being incredibly naive if you think your child will NEVER play up in public. My two are "good kids" but it doesn't stop them having their moments when we are out and about

Mama1980 · 04/08/2012 07:38

I don't think thats normal behaviour my ds is 4 and more than capable of behaving when out and about whether bored or not. He's no saint but if he had done any of what you wrote here he would be in trouble. Have you spoken to your sil? Gently of course I think it would be a shame not to keep seeing them maybe try the park or something more active to keep him occupied? Swimming maybe? Then you could move away for a moment. I do think your wording was unnaturally angry with a 4 year old child here though he is just a child and a little pfb with the messy hands.

tryingtoleave · 04/08/2012 07:41

You sound miffed that your pfb wasn't getting all the attention. Perhaps if you gave your dn some attention he might not have played up so much?

Wait till your baby gets a bit older then see how easy eating out and shopping trips are.

AThingInYourLife · 04/08/2012 07:44

"he would not accept that kind of behaviour from DD when she's older."

Arf :o

JumpingThroughHoops · 04/08/2012 07:45

Children, unchecked, tend to make them selves highly unpopular at school (teachers and peers alike) - he will be the one excluded from parties, the one who is perceived as the playground bully because his behaviour is so wildly off the wall.

Youthful exuberance is one thing, brattishness is entirely another. Other children do not like non-conformists. They have an inner sense of what is right and what is wrong.

DialsMavis · 04/08/2012 07:48

When my DS was 4 he could always instinctively pick up when adults were judging him and didn't like him. Then he tried so hard to get their attention he ended up with them disliking him more. Of course everybody with a tiny baby thinks their child will never behave line that, but they will, at least occasionally. Your tone is horrid and as it is all about parenting your DC may escape being boisterous and a bit spoilt and become mean, superior and judgemental.

But, I felt exactly the same as you when I had my PFB so there is hope you will snap our of it.

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