Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think don't invite people at all if you can't afford them.

264 replies

Krumbum · 27/07/2012 20:59

My fiancées cousin is getting married.
We are going with his parents and sister, I'm invited to the wedding ceremony then I have to go away (I don't drive have no idea where I should go!) while fiancée and his family go to the meal but then I get to come back for the party bit. it's not just me, it's many other people who are being sent away too.
Isn't this a little odd? I've never heard of anyone doing this before.
I understand they don't have much money so cant afford to feed everyone. But having my fiancée but not me seems weird. I would just invite to the after party. Or have a smaller wedding and not invite my whole distant family! Just feels like I'm being shut out. Aibu?

OP posts:
deliciousdevilwoman · 27/07/2012 21:02

UANBU-decline. I'd let him go alone. Make some polite excuse.

HecateHarshPants · 27/07/2012 21:03

Why not ask them for the details of all the other people who aren't going for the meal, contact them and arrange that you all eat together? Book tables at a nice restaurant or something?

4boyzmum · 27/07/2012 21:10

It does seem a bit weird...never heard of it being done before. They must have some very understanding friends and family if all have agreed to attend the ceremony, leave for a part they are not invited to but then return later on. Maybe the guest list should've been trimmed down a little so avoid this kind of scenario. I'd feel insulted if this was happening to me, and a little embarrassed if i was the partner of someone who was being excluded from my families function in this way.

whoopwhoopbib · 27/07/2012 21:15

I've been to two weddings where we have been invited to the ceremony and the evening reception but not the meal inbetween - I thought this was normal but perhaps not. However only inviting one half of a couple is just plain rude.

emsyj · 27/07/2012 21:16

When you get married, invite the cousin but not the new spouse Wink.

I think it's rude to invite one half of a couple, but it seems to be becoming more usual these days. In fact, I wouldn't ever invite a single person without a 'plus one' either (and gave plus ones to all my single guests at my wedding) but then we had a cheap venue & cheap booze etc so it made little difference how many people came.

lovebunny · 27/07/2012 21:16

i've heard of that - but not splitting up couples like you and your fiance. with a couple, its both or none at all. quite a lot of people have guests and the ceremony then back for the evening, while close family have a formal meal. it's been going on for years.

maddening · 27/07/2012 21:17

split shift weddings - that's novel!

Rollersara · 27/07/2012 21:19

I've had this before, 4 hours wandering around a pretty but otherwise dull village between ceremony and dinner whilst feeling spectacularly over dressed. Odd but not that unusual IMO.

Bongaloo · 27/07/2012 21:24

Won't your fiance come and eat with you instead of the wedding meal?

Nervousfirsttimer · 27/07/2012 21:53

Yanbu hate hate hate weddings like this. Don't go, they won't care, If they did you would have been invited all day (sorry harsh but true!)

maddening · 27/07/2012 21:58

why don't you and your df just go to the party?

Original poster
Krumbum · 27/07/2012 22:21

My fiancées parents are quite insistent he goes to the meal. They think as they are family they should be there (although he doesn't care at all and only sees distant family when they insist). It's not really worth arguing it with them. They are very passive aggressive and will say how hurt the other one is about him not caring about his family Hmm

OP posts:
WillNeverGetALicence · 27/07/2012 22:22

I think weddings like this are incredibly naff.

And to invite guests to only certain sections of the 'event' is rude and insensitive. As others have said, people end up wandering around like lost sheep in the hours between. Really, this is normal? Are brides and grooms really happy to treat their family, friends and other guests like this Confused and Hmm

But to then split up a couple like this, so one is invited to the interceding meal and the other not Shock How incredibly crass!

OP, I would personally decline this invitation. Let your fiancee go along without you. But as others have said, if i was your fiancee I would not be thinking too highly of any cousin of mine who treated my partner in this way.

Viviennemary · 27/07/2012 22:27

I wouldn't bother going at all. It is incredibly 'off' to invite your fiance to the meal and not you and expect you to wander round for hours. Or just both of you go to the evening party.

Happylander · 27/07/2012 22:38

I have been to a wedding like this. I think they wanted to share the actual getting married part with as many family and friends as they could but not able to afford everyone to the meal. One half of a couple is odd especially if you have been together ages. Have you met the bride and groom? If they haven't met you maybe thats why.

I am generally not offended about weddings but inviting one half of a couple is rude.

Original poster
Krumbum · 27/07/2012 23:14

I think because they we are younger than them they don't think of us as a serious couple Confused although we have been together much longer than the couple getting married!
Maybe when we getvmarried they will be more inclusive... But probably not.

OP posts:
FartyMcTarty · 27/07/2012 23:20

I've declined a split invitation like this recently - I'm not cutting our holiday fortnight short for bits of a wedding. I'm.either invited or I'm not, and I'd have no qualms about not attending an evening reception only.

Not inviting you to a family wedding is a different level of rudeness though, and again, I've declined to attend a wedding to which my DP of many years wasn't invited.

Journey · 27/07/2012 23:20

Agree with willnevergetalicence.

Queenofsiburbia · 27/07/2012 23:23

That's seriously odd! If they don't know you well enough to pay for your meal, why on earth do they care if you witness their marriage?!

I really strongly feel that with weddings you should only do what you can afford. It's so important to remember that the cost isn't one sided as people travel long distances, pay for B&Bs, buy presents buy hats etc etc, & it's downright rude to have A lists, B lists etc when people make an effort to be with you.

Don't go OP!

AgentZigzag · 27/07/2012 23:23

Can you get together will all the other rejects (Grin) and get off to a pub/restaurant somewhere?

Original poster
Krumbum · 27/07/2012 23:33

Lol not sure how I'd contact the rejects although that would be fun! We could all go get drunk and moan.
When we get married we have decided just to have a small wedding with direct family and close friends, because thats all we can afford! Although it will piss off the in laws as they can't understand why and get upset that their son doesn't wanna be besties with his distant relatives.
Id rather do that than do what the cousin is doing (although he mst have got pressure from his parents to invite the wider family).

OP posts:
maddening · 27/07/2012 23:35

could your df offer to pay for your meal if that's the issue - it might only be £20-30 per head?

LeandarBear · 27/07/2012 23:41

Wow, that's a rubbish plan of a wedding. I wouldn't bother going, your DF could go on his own and you could arrange to do something fun with your own family or friends. Give a polite excuse, I am sure they wont care mind.

thebody · 27/07/2012 23:44

Never heard of this and think very rude. I would just meet him at evening party but not go to day do.

Or tell your fiancée to grow a pair and decline invite but go to evening do with you.

Sophisticatedknickers · 27/07/2012 23:47

I've been to two weddings like this. Didn't realise until a week or so before the last one. Spent the inbetween hours wondering why I'd bothered to travel 100 miles or so when the bride and groom couldn't be bothered to invite me to the meal. It's inconsiderate and rude, If you don't want me to come to the whole thing, why bother?