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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think don't invite people at all if you can't afford them.

264 replies

Krumbum · 27/07/2012 20:59

My fiancées cousin is getting married.
We are going with his parents and sister, I'm invited to the wedding ceremony then I have to go away (I don't drive have no idea where I should go!) while fiancée and his family go to the meal but then I get to come back for the party bit. it's not just me, it's many other people who are being sent away too.
Isn't this a little odd? I've never heard of anyone doing this before.
I understand they don't have much money so cant afford to feed everyone. But having my fiancée but not me seems weird. I would just invite to the after party. Or have a smaller wedding and not invite my whole distant family! Just feels like I'm being shut out. Aibu?

OP posts:

perceptionreality · 01/08/2012 12:54

YANBU - inviting one partner and shutting out the other is beyond rude - inviting you to half makes it even ruder than not inviting you at all imo!

If I was that broke I would invite parents only. What a disgusting way for them to treat others.

dikkertjedap · 01/08/2012 13:11

I would decline if I were you.

I do believe that these things are becoming more usual though. We were invited to a wedding (-used to be- very good friend of DH), we were send the (very expensive) list to enable us to buy a present and invited to come to the Church service and the after dinner dance. We had small children and it was a 2 hour flight and 2 hour drive for us. Suffice to say, we declined.

YouOldSlag · 01/08/2012 13:21

dikker- that's appalling treatment! No wonder you declined.

nkf · 01/08/2012 17:31

I think the crappiness of the behaviour often relates to the venues. Since stately home type places started being able to offer weddings, ceremonies have really turned into events. I recently looked up one of these venues up (to get directions) and ended up looking at a page offering wedding packages. Also, it also had an ad for a wedding consultant position. And key skills were sales and meeting targets. All that means is persuading people to have more and more things.

And the venue then comes first. Not the people and where can we best fit them all in. But the venue and how many that allows us to have.

YouOldSlag · 01/08/2012 17:34

That's true nkf, but the problem arises when the B and G say "we can only have 30 guests because of the venue", then end up offending half their families for life instead of just having a different venue!

nkf · 01/08/2012 17:35

Exactly. All for some photos where you stand outside a house that actually has nothing to do with you. What are people trying to pretend? That they live there?

EightiesOlympicGolds · 01/08/2012 17:50

dikkert - that is poor. Unfortunately have been in a similar position - invites to group of friends issued for evening only when venue was half a day away so needed two days off work (weekday wedding). Mentioned to good friend (one of the couple) that it might help to explain to people they were on a tight budget, by way of explanation. Next thing, we were uninvited for 'causing trouble'.

lorisparkle · 01/08/2012 18:40

Actually after thinking about it I was invited to a friends wedding but my DH (then DP) was not invited - however it was on a boat (limited space), we were university friends and it was only the university friends who were invited and not their 'men', so we just used the opportunity for a girly get together and nobody minded.

Every situation is so different.

MattDamonIsMyLover · 01/08/2012 18:44

at some of these tales.

Nfk - interesting point of view about venues pushing for the absolute dream aspect of the wedding.

issimma · 01/08/2012 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouOldSlag · 01/08/2012 19:14

issima - I think it's fair enough not to invite extended family IF you are not close and don't really keep in touch.

It's only rude I think if you pick SOME of them to invite, then exclude them from the middle part of the day or split up couples.

sayithowitis · 02/08/2012 09:30

YOS and Issimma, I completely agree. There were members of my extended family who were apparently, 'upset and offended' that they were not invited to my wedding. These were the same members of the family who had chosen to cut contact with us about ten years previously when my parents split and later divorced. Like you Issimma, I would not have recognised them if I had passed them in the street.

However, every adult who was invited to our wedding, regardless of whether they were family or friend, was invited as a couple or given a +1 if they were single.

It may be the B&G's day, but part of being a host is understanding that your guests need to feel comfortable and happy at your event and, IMO, that does not include sending one half of a couple away for a few hours whilst everybody else eats.

YouOldSlag · 02/08/2012 11:20

It may be the B&G's day, but part of being a host is understanding that your guests need to feel comfortable and happy at your event

Exactly. If you want people to share in your happiness, don't make them miserable!

Nanny0gg · 02/08/2012 13:17

The only time I think it's acceptable to invite people without their partners is when you invite work colleagues. And then they're in a group together.

But you either invite them to the whole shebang or just the evening. You never ever invite to the ceremony without including the wedding breakfast.

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