To think don't invite people at all if you can't afford them.

[Krumbum]

My fiancées cousin is getting married.
We are going with his parents and sister, I'm invited to the wedding ceremony then I have to go away (I don't drive have no idea where I should go!) while fiancée and his family go to the meal but then I get to come back for the party bit. it's not just me, it's many other people who are being sent away too.
Isn't this a little odd? I've never heard of anyone doing this before.
I understand they don't have much money so cant afford to feed everyone. But having my fiancée but not me seems weird. I would just invite to the after party. Or have a smaller wedding and not invite my whole distant family! Just feels like I'm being shut out. Aibu?

I am really surprised that a few posters seem to think this type of 'invitation' is normal.

It just seems such an unpleasant way to treat people. And almost guaranteed to offend, unless as someone else said you were flattered to be invited at all... However i could only imagine being flattered if the people were celebrities, I didn't know them well and I got an invite through work or somesuch. Therefore I would be thrilled to be invited to just the ceremony and evening drinks of the nuptials of Brad and Ange, not so much if it was cousin Brenda and her fiancee Phil.

Imo couples who believe that guests would be in any way pleased that they are being invited to part of their wedding but not others are egotistical as well as rude.

I thought this type of split invitation goes back to the thing about weddings being in church, and churches being public places where marriages can be witnessed by anyone who wants to go. That makes it polite to inform anyone who is invited to the evening party of the details to the ceremony so that they can attend if they want to.

It sounds to me that the couple have got this bit of etiquette right, but they haven't got the bit about it also being polite to invite plus ones and partners.

We had pretty much no money when we got married and so had a very small room for the reception. We did choose to split a few couples because we'd barely met the partner and it was literally a choice between possibly offending 2 people we didn't know or 1 person we did. Happy with our choice tbh. We also had some people at the church who were not invited to the reception. They were all local though, don't think I would have asked someone to come a long way and then not fed them.

Having said all that, If we'd have had more cash or a bigger room our choices would have been different. I've quite happily gone to just evening functions before and thought it was quite normal. Maybe I'm a moral degenerate though!

I hate this. It's treating guests as extras for the sake of appearances. They want to fill the church and have enough people there for atmosphere in the evening, but they're too tight to feed them. Scale the thing down if you really want 'to share the day' as opposed to creating some Hello extravaganza.

Splitting a couple is beyond rude.

I concur with Outraged. OP, you seem pretty resigned to this. I agree with others who have commented that it's a shame you can't provide more of a united front against these unreasonable demands from the parents. It's understandable that you would want to avoid confrontation and placate PA people, but in doing so you're setting precidents for how you are treated for years to come.

I've only been to split wedding celebrations like this and thought that was the norm here?!

I agree with others - ok to say people choose to come to the church bit but how would you feel if they only turned up for the evening do? The church bit isn't usually the best part as a guest. Or should I rephrase - its nice enough but not worth the extra hassle, a whole day dedicated to the wedding rather than just an evening.

I agree with Outraged that this goes back to Church weddings and the fact that anyone can show up so it was common for evening guests and nosey locals to sit at the back

Aside from the blatant rudeness of splitting a couple I think it's disgusting to invite people to the ceremony but not the meal. I am may be old fashioned but that's just wrong, especially at a country house etc with nothing laid on

I just don't understand why people stretch to weddings they clearly can't afford - why not have a later ceremony and evening buffet only so that all the guests can go?

Stand at the door of the church with a sign saying "If you are a reject like me do you want to join me to get pissed for a meal before tonight's party?"

That would be fun .

Seriously though, if I were you I would skip the church bit, and just join them all in the evening.

Where are you staying? And where is the evening party? Because if it's a hotel, you could spend the day in a spa; if it's near home, stay at home for the day and get a taxi to join them in the evening.

I can understand split weddings where some guests aren't asked until the evening (it's very common here, weddings tend to have ginormous evening bashes), but if they aren't asked to the meal, why ask them to the ceremony? Just weird.

My mum suggested this yesterday for my wedding. Her reasoning for it was 'people would want to be part of the ceremony but aren't so bothered about the meal'.

I think it's a bit odd and I would feel bad leaving people but different folks!

i wouldn´t go & I´d let your fiance do what he wants.

It´s not unusual to invite people just to go to the evening reception, is it?

Then it´s up to them if they go to the ceremony or not.

But if you are to be married, it´s ridiculous to do as his parents want.

Why don't you ask your fiance to ask his parents how they'd feel if they were invited to a wedding but one of them was to be excluded from the formal meal? I bet they'd be outraged!

I've been to 30+ weddings with dh and I've never heard of being invited to the ceremony but not the meal - I certainly wouldn't go to the church if I were you, I would also expect dh to politely decline to go to the meal if I weren't invited too. Agree with other posters that you and your fiance need to be more assertive with your future in laws - I would be concerned about the precedent being set otherwise.

My FIL tried to treat me and dh like children for years, we've been together since we were 21 so not entirely unreasonable in the early years, once we moved in together though I made a real point of standing my ground in order to shift the relationship to equal adult status. He called me 'feisty bird' for years we have a fantastic relationship now; it was definitely the right thing to do although there were times it felt socially awkward to fight my corner.

Roughtyping, your mum is wrong.

Their wedding arrangements are incomprehensible to me. So it's really hard to say what's the right thing to do - apart from do what you want. They have after all. Let your fiance do what he wants. No pressure.

We had entirely separate invites for the evening reception. The reason was simple, all the people who worked for us wanted to come, as well as a large number of our customers. Basically if we invited everyone who wanted to come, we'd have been well over capacity for where we wanted to have our reception.

We sent ALL the invites to singles with a plus one. It was lovely, we made it clear that anyone who wanted to attend the church could do so, and many of our staff did. As they were all local we had a bus in the evening to and from the evening do.

We also purposefully chose a venue that had a hotel within and a cheap as chips Travel Lodge a 5 minute walk away.

We did this due to numbers, and we were incredibly touched by the amount of people who came to the ceremony itself, people were standing at the back

To start splitting couples and dictating who can be part of the meal and who can't is mean spirited and mean, not frugal. Also if you invite people only to the evening do then you should lay on a separate buffet for the evening.

If you want a big wedding with lots of guests than save for it. I hate this me, me, me attitude that is prevalent in weddings now. Don't use it as an opportunity to reveal to others how little you think of them

It's a great get out of going clause.

Agree with AThingInYourLife. I would start standing up to your df's parents. I would imagine they will only get worse.

YABU - you are not being "sent away".

You have been invited to the evening reception of a wedding. The couple have also made it clear that if you like you can attend the ceremony.

Being invited to the evening part is not being a "reject".

Trills-that´s what I was trying to say.

The "problem" for the OP, I think is that it´s not possible for her to just go to the evening reception?

I do think it´s odd not to invite engaged people as a couple tbh.

I agree it's odd to invite a couple separately.

I also think that the way to resolve this is for your DF to stand up to his parents. You (the two of you) can go to the ceremony and the evening reception, or to just the evening reception. Just make it clear what you are planning to do when you reply. The only people making this a problem appear to be his parents.

I've had this - DP invited to everything me just church and evening meal.

I really wish I hadn't gone and we hadn't shelled out for a hotel room and time and money traveling down there. Waiting round in a hotel room by myself, as it was in the middle of now where with nothing to do and I had no transport felt awful.

Now I regularly send DH on his own to such things as we have no childcare - really wish I'd though to do that then.

it is a bit UR but y'know what I find the meal the most tedious! sitting with friends of ILs that you don't know eating something bloaty that you wouldn't choose with crap wine!

the best part is the ceremony, next best is the party (when you can mingle and arent stuck beside the same random person for 3 hours!)

So it's totally up to you, if you would ENJOY the ceremony and party and getting to go off with the slinter group for some food of your choice, then go, if you wont like that, don't!

Too many poeple are making their weddings into uncomfortable, fraught occasions. It should feel easier not to go as well.

"sitting with friends of ILs that you don't know eating something bloaty that you wouldn't choose with crap wine!"

Seems that you have been unfortunate in the weddings you have attended!

I like meeting new people but agree that wedding food is often awful.