To think don't invite people at all if you can't afford them.

[Krumbum]

My fiancées cousin is getting married.
We are going with his parents and sister, I'm invited to the wedding ceremony then I have to go away (I don't drive have no idea where I should go!) while fiancée and his family go to the meal but then I get to come back for the party bit. it's not just me, it's many other people who are being sent away too.
Isn't this a little odd? I've never heard of anyone doing this before.
I understand they don't have much money so cant afford to feed everyone. But having my fiancée but not me seems weird. I would just invite to the after party. Or have a smaller wedding and not invite my whole distant family! Just feels like I'm being shut out. Aibu?

Very odd. The fact that your fiancee is not insisting that you join for the meal is troubling. The fact that your fiancee's family is not asking that you be present at the meal is troubling. After all, if you are the "fiancee" (not just a girlfriend) you will be direct family soon. Something fishy here. Perhaps you need to give some long hard thought about your future in-laws, they seem to be treating you without much affection. Sorry to be blunt.

We are both 23. I realise we could ignore them and we are insistent on more important things (like who we invite to our own wedding!) but the guilt tripping is bloody annoying! And fiancées sister gets involved sending him abusive texts. We obviously want them to be happy even if they can be a bit rude. I also think everyone else in the family thinks its fine. So don't want to look like we are making a fuss over nothing if you see what I mean.
From the answers on this thread I see that I was right in thinking this is odd and rude though!

I've never had an invite to this type of wedding and I think it's insulting.

I have no problem with evening do only invites, they mean you can invite work colleagues/less close friends for a celebratory drink. However, you still need to feed them and don't expect a present.

For a wedding where you're invited to the ceremony and evening do you have the expense of an outfit, present, travel and possibly accommodation. To be told you also have to pay for your meal, which, in essence, is what they're telling you, is wrong.

Basically, they're saying we want you to come to the ceremony so we'll look popular and we want you to come to the evening do so we'll have the numbers for a party atmosphere but you're not important enough to us for us to pay for your meal.

Bit confused as to why people think that the Bride and groom should change their dream wedding just to invite people that they hardly know. I would just be honoured that they want you to share the day with them at all, in any small part. You have the right to turn down the invitation and should do if you are so offended.

Cheap inclusive buffet for everyone or invite fewer people!

That sounds utterly ridiculous to me. I'd either not go to any of it myself, or both of you just go to the party.

^I also think everyone else in the family thinks its fine. So don't want to look like we are making a fuss over nothing if you see what I mean.
From the answers on this thread I see that I was right in thinking this is odd and rude though!^

It is incredibly rude to expect you to disappear whilst they eat. Personally I think you and your fiancee should miss the meal together, go have something nice to eat and then return to the evening together... so what if it's their day

Unspeakably rude to invite anybody, couple or otherwise, to the church and not to the wedding reception. One of DH's cousins did this a few years ago. I refused to go. DH and I had been married for about 18 years at the time. It was offensive, rude and thoughless. Have never understood what she thought we were supposed to do between the end of the ceremony at about 2pm and the start of the evening party at about 7.30pm; why her parents didn't stop her being so rude and put a stop to it. I think she thought we would have time to get the tube home, change, do some housework, change again and shlep across London again - no thought about how much of a day a wedding takes out of a weekend when two peole work full time and have children. Well if we weren't important enough for the wedding she certainly wasn't important enough for that. She was even ill mannered enough to invite one cousin to read at the wedding and when another guest declined she then invited that cousin's sister

We declined. There was no present. There have been no Xmas cards, there was no card or present when she had a baby. She treated us worse and more discourteously than anybody else has ever done - she therefore is now treated differently from all the other cousins and if I see her again at a family occasion I shall ignore her. Got that off my chest.

Mandyhoyle - I don't think anyone is saying give up your dream wedding, just make the dream with fewer people so everyone feels equally special in contributing to your dream wedding.

Yes but don't you think it would have been much worse to not have been invited at all though?

Personally, I would be much more offended by not getting any invite.

Just seems a bit bratty to be pee'd off about not getting invited to eat some food when you are getting to see them say their vows (which is more important to the bride and groom). Also the OP said (somewhere) that her Fiance hardly sees this cousin, which to me suggests that neither does the OP, so i came to the conclusion that they hardly know her at all and are probably only inviting her DF to keep the peace so I do think she is being U to expect anything more than she is getting, hence the being honoured to be invited at all.

I probably feel like this because i have just got married and I know you can't please everyone. I'm not saying i think the Bride is right by the way, i think she should have just invited OP to evening as they clearly aren't that close.

persoanlly I would have done what is often done in northern scotland is have ceremony about 2pm all those invited go for meal then more distant relatives and friends invited for the dance at about 9.30, it is then up to them whether they attend church bit or not, mostly not as then do not have to take time off work

I think it is not always necessary to invite partners or plus one for instance if you work in office with 12 people those 12 all know each other so will not be alone so I think it is perfectly acceptable to invite those 12 as singles (provided wedding is near by and does not involve overnight stay.)

I think if a friend of yours from school is invited but does not know any of your current circle of frieds then yes it is mean not to invite partnetr or plus guest

Enormasnob I said I didn't agree with my mum so I'm not sure why you felt the need to say that to me? I was simply giving the reasoning my mum had given me for doing this.

You can invite colleagues without a plus one but you can't invite a cousin without their fiancee. That's just plain ill-mannered

The OP and partner are engaged. They are a couple! You simply cannot invite one and not the other to a family wedding. I could just about understand it if it was a work colleague and you'd never met the other half, but that's not the case here.

I have never heard of one part of an established couple within a family being invited to a wedding but not the other. It should be both or none.

Mandy-Bit confused as to why people think that the Bride and groom should change their dream wedding just to invite people that they hardly know

The B and G DO know them- the DF is a COUSIN. It's not as if they have just met. The OP is engaged to the cousin, therefore they will be having their own wedding soon. They are family.

I have been to a split shift wedding and it's not a nice feeling. It was an overnighter but I was excluded from the meal. Allowed to ceremony and evening, but not invited to meal- and I was (extended) family too!

LOL at marriedinwhite, that's some grudge you've got there!

As I say, it was the rudest anyone has ever been to us.

mandy - i am married. at the time we got married we didn't have much income so i didn't have my 'dream' wedding. however i wouldn't dream of invitng only one half of a couple or giving a 'two tier' invitation.

we invited all guests to the entire day, any single guests were invited with +1s (although lots didn't bring anyone - i feel it's inportant that they had the choice). there was plenty of drink (well over 1 bottle of wine per guest.....irish wedding!) and the food was fantastic.

most of the budget was thrown at the venue, food and drink. friends did the flowers, my dress was ok...not what i would have chosen but did the job and was cheap, did my own hair and make up, cut the frilly bits e.g favours, orders of service etc, friend of a friend did the photos (my one and only regret...a bit shite to say the least).

we had a fantastic day. nobody was left feeling they somehow didn't make the grade, and a few years down the line people still tell me how great our wedding was. at the time i took the view that guests would forget my dress, colour schemes etc but they would remember whether they were treated well, whether the food was good and the drink plentiful. judging by people's memores of our wedding i think i was right.

Yanbu, its very rude & 'off' to invite one half of a couple to a wedding meal.
I would either not go to the ceremony at all, let dp go or go with dp but dp misses meal too iyswim.

Awful, truly awful that you are not included when your fiancee is!
I remember being singled out at my sil wedding, everyone including mil, fil other sil, sil, her kids, the groom were all invited to pre-wedding drinks yet i was left in the hotel room with my dcs as we were not invited!

Personally I wouldn't be too bothered about not going to the breakfast, even though it's rude, but I would be livid about a couple being split like that.

Just after DS was born DH got an invite to a friend's wedding which excluded me and DS, so he didn't go.

ceres- you have just described the perfect wedding. It's not the details, it's how happy everyone was.

Mandy- any B and G who tramples on people's feelings to get their "dream day" will end up causing years of resentment and guests will have only uncomfortable memories of the wedding.

I couldn't enjoy myself on my wedding if I had known people were separated from partners/shut out of the meal etc.