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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think don't invite people at all if you can't afford them.

264 replies

Krumbum · 27/07/2012 20:59

My fiancées cousin is getting married.
We are going with his parents and sister, I'm invited to the wedding ceremony then I have to go away (I don't drive have no idea where I should go!) while fiancée and his family go to the meal but then I get to come back for the party bit. it's not just me, it's many other people who are being sent away too.
Isn't this a little odd? I've never heard of anyone doing this before.
I understand they don't have much money so cant afford to feed everyone. But having my fiancée but not me seems weird. I would just invite to the after party. Or have a smaller wedding and not invite my whole distant family! Just feels like I'm being shut out. Aibu?

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 30/07/2012 08:54

marriedinwhite, not surprised you're still upset about it, that is shocking Shock Some people think the world should revolve around them and their 'special day'. Well done for not going Smile

mandyhoyle1987 · 30/07/2012 10:14

I do see what you are saying. I'm only going on what the OP said about the relationship between her DF and his cousin ( that he wouldn't make the effort to have anything to do with them if it wasn't for his parents making him). I think it is fair to say he isn't bothered about this cousin and the cousin might have only invited him because it's the right thing to do. Hence why I don't see why the cousin should then have to pay for his fiancee on top of that.

I gave all my single guests a plus one. I had ceremony and reception invites and then separate invites for evening. The day events were mainly just family and almost every friend that was there had a role (witness, bridesmaid, groomsman), Then people who we would have paid for if we could afford it came to the evening. It didn't mean we thought any less of them there were just people that are closer to us and had a job to do.

Weddings are hard, especially if you have a budget.

ViviPru · 30/07/2012 10:20

ceres that is very inspiring.

My dress was £129 from TK Maxx. We're spanking a massive wedge apportioning a relatively large portion of the budget on food & drink though. And no poncey little visual-statement food either.

And I'm sad to hear about your photos but in a way that makes me feel more resolved in my decision to stretch the budget for our out-of-this-world photographer.

The long and short of this thread is - Evening reception invites, OK if handled sensitively. Invitation to ceremony - broadly acceptable, but don't expect everyone to come if they're not invited to the wedding breakfast. Splitting a couple and not considering guests' needs - universal NO-NO.

mandyhoyle1987 · 30/07/2012 10:31

Vivi - We paid a lot for our photographer but he was totally worth it. He was amazing and really made me feel relaxed.

Splitting a couple is ok if you haven't met their partner and that person knows other people that are going in my opinion.

ceres · 30/07/2012 10:36

youoldslag - (feels wrong typing that!) we thought it was the perfect wedding too. it wasn't in the least 'stuffy' although it was a sit down four course meal it had a very relaxed atmosphere. we also did away with the 'please be upstanding.. toastmaster stuff, and the only 'speech' was a toast to us and an instruction to the guests to have a good time!

vivipru - your wedding sounds as if it will be lovely. i think you are absolutely right to take care with the photography. as i say it is my one regret - although we have fantastic memories our photos don't live up to the memories at all. however i have plans to get them digitally doctored so hope to slavage a few decent ones. might get round to that in another few years!

mandy - i see what you are saying but i still think it rude not to invite partners. even if it is a 'duty invite' then you should be considerate of your guests.

ViviPru · 30/07/2012 10:38

ceres that sounds like a good idea. It's amazing what people can do these days. It might be nice to have them done for a significant anniversary :)

Nanny0gg · 30/07/2012 10:42

Bizarre.

You either get invited to the whole thing, or just the evening.

I don't understand being 'invited' to the church anyway. Is it a church? Cos that's a public building and anyone can go.

Your fiance shouldn't go to the meal without you.

elizaregina · 30/07/2012 10:46

"Yanbu hate hate hate weddings like this. Don't go, they won't care, If they did you would have been invited all day (sorry harsh but true!)"

Dont agree with this - they may be different but we had to do something similar at our wedding.....

I would have loved to have eloped just the two of us and DD but then the emotion carries you away etc - well so and so should be there - and so and so....

we just had no money at all....and didnt want to borrow and get into debt...we also had akward family sitiatin to negotiate....I would have ideally loved a wedding in a family garden - with everyone chipping in - ie - helping with food - or flowers....family on the piano and violin etc etc...but it was not to be.

That would have been my ideal but it was not to be so we had to sacrifice, and keep reminding ourselves in the midst of trying to please everyone else that the day was actualy about us....

Dont take it personally....we are in the middle of a credit crunch!

elizaregina · 30/07/2012 10:47

BTW i have known lots of weddings where you are invited to the evening do - and not the meal etc, I have always loved seeing the church bit too - so i wuold be more than happy for it to be known we are welcome at church too.

ViviPru · 30/07/2012 10:50

I wasn't invited to my BiL's wedding, I'd been with DP a couple of years and it was quite a small-scale do, but at the time it was a bit Hmm but just put it down to their lack of budget. DP offered to take it up with them and 'get me an invite' but we decided in the end it was easier not to make a fuss.

I think they feel a bit bad about it now though 7 years on, particularly since we are planning our own very inclusive wedding and inevitably the conversation sometimes turns to their own nuptials and its a bit awkward talking about it for them as I was excluded, it's a bit of an elephant in the room.

I think that's another good reason not to split couples even if you feel you don't know the partner that well, if one half of the couple is a close enough friend/relative to share the day with you, then its likely their partner will feature in your lives in the future.

bubby64 · 30/07/2012 10:55

Must admit, it seems a very strange thing to do. When we got married, we had seperate afternoon meal(for immediate family and wedding party) and then larger evening "do'", but we said everyone and anyone was welcome to come to the church service itself (it was a big church, so could accomodate a large number of people). Some people just came to the ceremony itself, and some decided to see the ceromony, and then come along to the evening event, but it was their own choice to split the day, not dictated by us!

Hammy02 · 30/07/2012 12:15

Inviting someone to the ceremony and not the meal is bonkers. I've never heard of it before. I've heard of people being invited to the evening do and deciding to go to the church to watch the ceremony but that is totally different IMO.

GlassofRose · 30/07/2012 12:37

All this "the day is about us" is bullshit. You invite people to celebrate with you and if you can't afford for a couple to celebrate with you then you don't ask one half of the couple to buggar off for a couple of hours. That's the problem with weddings in my opinion - people get wrapped up in stuff being all about them.

mandyhoyle1987 · 30/07/2012 12:46

GlassofRose - Are you serious? The wedding couldn't take place without the bride and groom, of course it is their day and about them. They can do what they want, invite who they want, within what they can afford and if people don't like it they don't have to attend.

If a guest at my wedding had said I was making my wedding day all about me and my husband I would have thought WTF?

Lottapianos · 30/07/2012 12:50

Agree with GlassofRose. Yes, fine it's their day but does that mean all courtesy and sensitivity and good manners can go out of the window? It's supposed to be a day of inviting people to celebrate your happiness with you, not becoming a dictator for the day Hmm

mandyhoyle1987 · 30/07/2012 12:53

The bride in the original scenario isn't being a dictator. She is inviting the OP to attend, the OP can choose not to if she wants.

Lottapianos · 30/07/2012 12:57

I don't think it's a reasonable invitation to expect someone to go and twiddle her thumbs for several hours while her fiance gets fed but she doesn't. I think it's shockingly rude to expect anyone to go entertain themselves in the middle of your wedding day, but it's definitely not on to invite only one half of a couple to the meal.

Would this be acceptable in any other situation? What if some friends invited you both out for dinner and then cinema on a Saturday night, but expected your DP to skip dinner and just meet you at the cinema because they couldn't afford to pay for him too?

lambethlil · 30/07/2012 12:58

Very rude.

And I disagree that the wedding day is all about the bride and groom.

IMO you work out how you can accommodate the guests and then the dress, flowers etc. come later.

Pay bar/ evening only guests, etc. all fine.
Pay bar/ evening only guests while the Bride wears £2000 of Vera Wang, very rude.

Minesaguinness · 30/07/2012 13:05

YANBU. They are being incredibly rude twice - once by expecting some guests to bugger off for a few hours and again for splitting a couple's invitations.

mandyhoyle1987 · 30/07/2012 13:05

That isn't the same thing though. why would my friends be paying for me to have a meal and go to cinema? I would just say it's ok we will pay for ourselves.

Weddings are different you can't just say I will pay for my own food at your wedding if you can't afford it. That would be rude in my opinion because the money might not be the whole issue.

porcamiseria · 30/07/2012 13:07

decline, decline, decline

not easy though

tight fuckers

DowagersHump · 30/07/2012 13:07

You can't ask one half of an engaged couple to attend the meal Mandy. Surely you're not suggesting that's okay? Because it really isn't

mandyhoyle1987 · 30/07/2012 13:11

Clearly, we are going to have to agree to disagree. I do wonder how many of the people who think this is really rude have been in that situation of having to make these kinds of decisions. My wedding was price per head and there was no way that I would invite someone who makes no effort with me any other time to something that was going to cost me a lot of money. Fair enough if your partners sister invited your partner but not you, that would be weird, but extended family? I don't get why the OP is bothered.

mandyhoyle1987 · 30/07/2012 13:16

Her relationship with DF is of no relevance. It's her relationship with the cousin and her fiance that matters and there isn't one. I think i don't think it's that bad because the DF is going with his family it's not like he is going and doesn't know anyone. And again the OP doesn't have to attend at all but she has been invited to watch them get married and to the evening.

clam · 30/07/2012 13:20

Yes I've been in that situation, mandy. Wedding budgets are notoriously tight and decisions have to be made. There were a fair few people at ours that I wouldn't particularly have chosen (and barely knew) but social etiquette dictated that they had to be invited because they happened to be married (or engaged) to people my parents we did want there. It's just the way these things are. I suppose I could have thrown a tantrum and said "it's our day and all about us and I don't WANT George there because he blanked me in the pub 10 once years ago. Tough luck if he's married to my mum's oldest friend."

But I wasn't a bridezilla.

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