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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think don't invite people at all if you can't afford them.

264 replies

Krumbum · 27/07/2012 20:59

My fiancées cousin is getting married.
We are going with his parents and sister, I'm invited to the wedding ceremony then I have to go away (I don't drive have no idea where I should go!) while fiancée and his family go to the meal but then I get to come back for the party bit. it's not just me, it's many other people who are being sent away too.
Isn't this a little odd? I've never heard of anyone doing this before.
I understand they don't have much money so cant afford to feed everyone. But having my fiancée but not me seems weird. I would just invite to the after party. Or have a smaller wedding and not invite my whole distant family! Just feels like I'm being shut out. Aibu?

OP posts:
AmandinePoulain · 27/07/2012 23:52

We attended a split wedding today. Ceremony was at 1:30, then we had a drink and biscuit on a lawn, then close family went and had the breakfast, dh has gone to the reception this evening (I'm at home with dd). It wasn't too much of a problem for us as we live locally so went shopping came home for the afternoon, but I'd have been less than impressed if I'd travelled for miles and had to find a way to kill a few hours in between. I'd have refused to go if dh had been invited to the breakfast without me though - that's just rude. Don't go, spend the day doing something nice for yourself!

Original poster
Krumbum · 27/07/2012 23:54

Lol I would but it's genuinely not worth the hassle, his mum would be phoning us and telling us how 'upset' his dad is. And they would think it was me not 'letting' fiance go even though that wouldn't be true and he would tell them it's not true! It's easier to placate them as we both cba with the hassle and guilt tripping.

OP posts:
eurochick · 28/07/2012 00:04

I've had one invite like this. It all got horrendously embarrassing when I couldn't find myself on the seating plan as I didn't realise there was a middle bit to which I wasn't invited.

I've never come across it before or since though, so it's not really any wonder I was confused.

AmandinePoulain · 28/07/2012 00:05

Dh has just come home from the reception...where there was no buffet! Shock

Original poster
Krumbum · 28/07/2012 00:08

Cheeky! Can't even feed the ones you agree to.

OP posts:
Naoko · 28/07/2012 01:04

DP's relatives did this to us when we'd been together about 4 years. As a result, DP, his parents, his little brother and me all only went to the ceremony - they thought it was ridiculous to dump me in the hotel foyer for two hours while they had dinner in the dining room (middle of nowhere hotel, I don't drive, so wouldn't even be able to leave the premises).

A year later I was told to step aside while some family photos were taken. Only partner not in the pictures.

Thankfully the weirdos relatives seem to have accepted that, after nearly 9 years, I should probably be allowed to exist in photographic evidence, they haven't pulled that since.

MulberryMoon · 28/07/2012 01:13

YANBU. They need to either invite both of you or neither of you and they either invite you to all of it or just to the evening bit. I've been invited to just a ceremony before but nothing else and that was slightly odd, but not too bad.

MrsApplepants · 28/07/2012 01:17

Yanbu. I would not go to a wedding like this. Your fiancé could go alone.
FWIW I don't ever accept evening only invitations either.

Dprince · 28/07/2012 07:27

I don't get it. I also think partners should always be invited.
I did and when dbro got married all singles got a plus 1. Although quite a few of them didn't use it.

HoneyDragonSponseredByCocaCola · 28/07/2012 07:35

If you are planning on marrying dp are planning too and kowtowing to his family forever too?
Get some gumption the pair of you.

HoneyDragonSponseredByCocaCola · 28/07/2012 07:36

Too be placating and kowtowing

Sorry deleted middle of my post Grin

LizaTarbucksAuntie · 28/07/2012 07:37

Rude, just plain rude.

I wouldn't go, I wouldn't have fiancée going either.

Nuts to his family being p/a over it, if he's marrying you, you'll be doing things your own way, start as you mean to go on my love.

If you were feeling wicked you could always explain that you'd decided neither of you should go and the your DF has given up his place at the meal so they don't have to split another couple up for lack of money....

CasperGutman · 28/07/2012 07:55

We invited some people just to the evening party after our wedding. Some of our evening guests chose to come to the ceremony then all went out for dinner together before evening (they were all uni friends and we were marrying on the city where we were students).

We didn't invite/require them to come to the ceremony though - in fact aren't weddings ceremonies public events anyway?

Splitting couples up like this is just rude though!

AThingInYourLife · 28/07/2012 08:01

Don't get married until you and your fiancé can stand up to his parents.

It is extremely rude to leave you out of the meal. Your fiancé should not attend without you, leaving you alone and with nothing to do for hours.

If his parents don't like it, that's tough.

Until you can both make that clear you aren't mature or independent enough to get married.

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 28/07/2012 08:04

Like others, I've been to several weddings where I have been invited to the ceremony and the evening reception but not the meal inbetween. But it is odd to invite only half of a couple to the meal. I'd feel at a bit of a loose end for the afternoon on my own. Do you know anyone else going who also isn't invited to the meal, that you can spend the afternoon with?

HandMadeTail · 28/07/2012 08:05

One of DH's cousins invited him to her wedding, but didn't invite me, although we had lived together in sin for a number of years by this time. He just didn't go, which was probably their intention, anyway.

It's the height of rudeness to split a couple like that.

ceres · 28/07/2012 08:22

i think it is very ill mannered to invite people to just part of the wedding - either invite people or don't. i also think it is rude to not invite partners.

dh and i politely decline if only one of us is invited or if we are invited to evening receptions.

Emandlu · 28/07/2012 08:32

It is perfectly normal to invite people to the wedding and then the evening do. It's happened to us a few times.
However to split a couple up is a bit odd. Why don't you have a look what's on around the venue and you could have quite a pleasant peacful afternoon. Are there any art galleries or museums nearby? Find a nice place and book an afternoon tea? Sounds loads better than hanging around at a wedding!

cherrypieplum · 28/07/2012 08:38

My BIL was going to do this. I think it's downright rude. He is now doing a buffet but only catering for some as he's relying on some guests (including his own brother) to go to another family do that night and be fed there(!)

ENormaSnob · 28/07/2012 08:52

I wouldn't go.

And I think it's fucking downright rude what the bride and groom are doing.

Oh, and Pil could go fuck themselves too. Unless you and dp are 15 it's shit all to do with them whether either of you attend.

DilysPrice · 28/07/2012 09:11

Split shift weddings are not that abnormal. I've been to one, but it was in the middle of an interesting city with lots to see and places to eat, which was fine - I think it's really poor form if you're in the middle of nowhere.

Splitting up a couple OTOH is just bizarre.

TheHappyHissy · 28/07/2012 09:32

Your df needs to tell the cousin that if they want him there, that you come too.

Anything less, i'd be reconsidering my relationship.

You needn't have even known of their crass rudeness, he ought to have dealt with this upfront.

WutheringTights · 28/07/2012 11:45

This seems really common ? I?ve been to three weddings like this. At first we were just flattered to be invited at all. The first one was in central London, only very close family were invited to the meal in a restaurant (the couple were broke) and there was a big party in the evening. It was nice, and a load of us went to a very nice pub for lunch. The other two though were big posh weddings in country hotels and there was nowhere to go in between the ceremony and evening party (for the third the hotel wouldn?t serve us any food even if we paid because they had to cater for the wedding breakfast so we were starving). Only a small number of people were not invited to the meal and it felt very rude to be honest. We had travelled a long way to be there, had to shell out for expensive overnight accommodation, bought a present etc so it felt very rude that they couldn?t even feed us. I would now decline another invitation like that unless I knew the couple very well and there were special circumstances.

whois · 28/07/2012 12:12

To invite people to the ceremony and not the meal is tight, crass an utterly English crap hospitality. If you can't afford to pay for everyone to have a sit down meal, invite less people or have a cheaper meal like a buffet or something. If I had an imitation where I wasn't invited to the meal, I would just turn up in the evening for the reception.

And to only invite one half of a couple, really strange.

YouOldSlag · 28/07/2012 12:19

It is perfectly normal to invite people to the wedding and then the evening do. It's happened to us a few times.

It's not normal, it's rude but it seems to be catching on unfortunately.

I have been to a wedding where I was invited to the ceremony only, then allowed into the evening do at around 9pm. Miles from home too, so in a strange town.

It is not a nice feeling and reminded me of school where I was never picked to be on a team!

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