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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think don't invite people at all if you can't afford them.

264 replies

Krumbum · 27/07/2012 20:59

My fiancées cousin is getting married.
We are going with his parents and sister, I'm invited to the wedding ceremony then I have to go away (I don't drive have no idea where I should go!) while fiancée and his family go to the meal but then I get to come back for the party bit. it's not just me, it's many other people who are being sent away too.
Isn't this a little odd? I've never heard of anyone doing this before.
I understand they don't have much money so cant afford to feed everyone. But having my fiancée but not me seems weird. I would just invite to the after party. Or have a smaller wedding and not invite my whole distant family! Just feels like I'm being shut out. Aibu?

OP posts:
emsyj · 31/07/2012 09:19

inabeautifulplace, I think it's you who has failed to understand - if you want to have a small wedding, you should. If you only want to invite 10 people then you absolutely should. If a specific venue is what you want or all you can afford, then that is entirely for you to decide. But at least own that decision and don't pretend that it was the only venue available ever. Folk who breezily say, 'oh we only had 80 places at Posh Mansion so we couldn't invite X' just irk me.

FWIW I do think invite one half of a couple is not nice, and I wouldn't (and didn't) do it. I won't go as far as others have on this thread and describe it as 'insulting', but I wouldn't accept a solo invitation. Why would I want to celebrate someone else's significant relationship if they are not even prepared to acknowledge mine? If you can't afford both of a couple, you don't invite either of them. Not inviting either of them is preferable, IMO, to inviting only one - this seems to be what we disagree on.

The excuse of 'we didn't know them' is very strange to me - I don't understand why people are so precious about this. If you don't know the person well enough to know their significant other, then how well do you know them anyway? Surely not well enough to warrant giving them one of only 30 places at your wedding?? Confused

mumblecrumble · 31/07/2012 09:31

We did that OP.... BUT we worded the invite to invite them to evening with food and drinks provided and that the service was at 11.00pm if they would live to come. We were splat bang in the middle of Edinburgh at festival time so most of our chums went to a show while family had a meal in local restaurant (£7.95 for 3 amazing courses.... still cant believe that bargain but there were only 36 places)

Anyway... we certainly did not have different invites for people in a couple. For examople my hubby had 3 close friends as ushers and I didn;t know their partners but of course they came for lunch! Would not have not invited them!!!

Also, we were the first of our friends to get married and we let them know that we married in Edinburgh (our Uni town) rather than our home town as we wanted them all to come to our evening Ceilidh.

Evening do was in a Church hall with buffet that ladies of the Church had arranged and little cost (and do you know why they did that? i found out while we were getting wedding ready that DH had been their caretaker as a volunteer when the usual chap was ill. Not just because we got our flowers and buffet at the CHurch very cheap but because he was so lovely to them when he was a student.)

It was just more important to us to have people come and feel comfy than it be all posh.....

However, each to their own. Wedding planning is stressful - maybe there are like hundres of cousins...

Lottapianos · 31/07/2012 11:01

When my best mate was planning her wedding, her twunt of a husband was seriously suggesting that they invite 3 friends each (just happened to be a number that suited him, though not her) and that partners only be invited if the couples are married Hmm DP and I had been together for 6 years by then. The idea was quietly dropped somewhere along the way. I am very glad I didn't have to choose between my best mate or my partner but if push had come to shove, I would have chosen not to attend.

nkf · 31/07/2012 14:15

To be honest, I'm amazed at people who can rustle up 70 plus close friends/family for a wedding. I understand with the old style affair where the bride's mother invited all her friends too. But what is this business about not knowing one of your guests? At your own wedding? If you don't know your cousin's fiancee, then do you really know your cousin?

nkf · 31/07/2012 14:19

I do have friends from Ghana where weddings are huge and everyone seems to come. Friends, family, women who went to school with the mothers, dad's colleagues and staff. But they don't have pay bars and plus ones and general tightfistedness going on. They are often in very ordinary venues (the hall next to the church) and the food is cooked and served by an army of aunts. I love them. And I bet they cost a pittance compared with these stately home affairs.

SilkySmith · 31/07/2012 14:23

70 was our small intimate list, parent's friends would have been much more

it really quickly adds up

say you have 5 siblings between you.. all have partners (10) 3 have kids, maybe 6 between them (16).. a step sibling partner and 2 kids (20), both parents re married (24), a conservative 2 BMs and 2 Groomsmen, plus partners and children, so maybe we're at 32 now. Perhaps you have 2 living grandparents between you (34), a set of God parent's each (36), Aunties and uncles? lets give a low figure of 2 each, plus other halves (40), so then there's maybe 8 cousins plus partners (56)..

so 56 before inviting any cousin's children and ANY friends other than wedding party, only 14 people left to get it to 70, that's only 7 couples so 3.5 friend's each and still none of their or cousins's children

Debs75 · 31/07/2012 14:24

I have just worked out my close family/friends list and have.
27 close family, although only 3 are dp's and 15 friends. these are all people that i would feel are important to us so I would really like them all there. They may even be more friends by the time we do get married I have included the children as well as i hate child free weddings

SilkySmith · 31/07/2012 14:25

"But what is this business about not knowing one of your guests? At your own wedding? If you don't know your cousin's fiancee, then do you really know your cousin?"

families are scattered all over the place these days, you could easily be very fond of a cousin but not have seen them in 4/5 years, particularly if you live very far apart and are both busy with work and children.. so very easy to have never met the partner of a cousin you consider close

nkf · 31/07/2012 14:29

I guess. But the people I'm close to I'm in touch with. So I do find it a bit strange

nkf · 31/07/2012 14:30

And in this case, the OP's fiance isn't close to the cousin. Doesn't much want to go by the sounds of it. Is only going to keep the peace. Grim if you think about it. And it makes you wonder how many people would really rather nto be invited to these big affairs.

SilkySmith · 31/07/2012 14:31

you can be in touch but not manage to actually meet in person for years, adult life keeps people tied up!

Obviously if your family stayed living close then not meeting a cousin's partner would probably mean you're not close, but many families live miles or countries apart these days!

SilkySmith · 31/07/2012 14:32

"And it makes you wonder how many people would really rather nto be invited to these big affairs"

I really think that people should make their excuses if they don't want to be there, I can't imagine a couple being anything but mortified if they knew that there were people there who really didn't want to be

go willingly or decline politely! it's an invitation not an order!

nkf · 31/07/2012 14:36

But - and I'm really only going by MN threads - you often read grumbling posts about the invitation and the pay bar and not being able to take kids. And in some cases, the wedidng costs for the guests seem so high as to be unfair.

I think the wedding invitation feels fairly imperative. As if it would be rude to decline. Particularly if they are from family however distant.

Somebody is having these weddings. If you think about it, this bride has sent out an invitation to ceremoney and meal for one cousin and ceremony and evening do for his fiance. And the cousin doesn't want to go. That is not a relationship.

SilkySmith · 31/07/2012 14:50

then the cousin shouldn't go, if they're not close they may not be missed
If they're not close and the cousin feels obliged then maybe the bride felt obliged to invite him? maybe she'll be thrilled to be able to invite another friend in his place

honestly I think some peopel think that they'll be missed much more than they would be, if you are not close enough to WANT to go you probably aren't close enough to be missed!

GlassofRose · 31/07/2012 15:12

I think the wedding invitation feels fairly imperative. As if it would be rude to decline. Particularly if they are from family however distant.

I agree. It feels rude to decline an invite and it can cause friction.

My cousin moved to Scotland and married her second husband there. I declined the invite because I couldn't justify taking two days off work, cost of petrol/airfair/train, cost of hotel for two nights etc... My aunt thought I should have been there regardless of the fact my cousin is so distant that she has never remembered a birthday of mine and left my name off family christmas cards some years.

BrandyAlexander · 31/07/2012 15:30

Oh this happened to me once. I politely declined my invite and left (now) dh to it. No hard feelings. Dh did tell me about going to another wedding with his then girlfriend where the poor girl had to wait in a hotel room for 4 hours while he attended the reception and then she attended the evening do, by which time, dh was already v tipsy. I just thought the couple in question were so rude.

nkf · 31/07/2012 16:46

Yes, Silky but if you are not close enough to want to go and not close enough to be missed, why the wedding invitation in the first place?

otherpeopleslifes · 31/07/2012 16:54

This happened to me and DP a few years ago, went to the church, had to go away while selected people went to eat and then back somewhere for party. Church was in the middle of nowhere so took some time to find a pub to hang around in with several other people we vaguely knew who had the same split invite, and then we had a few drinks, and a few more and surprize, surprize never made it to the party Grin

nkf · 31/07/2012 16:55

Did you not go? Were you all a bit miffed and decided stuff it? Or just too pissed to get over there?

Original poster
Krumbum · 31/07/2012 16:58

The issue would more be with the parents as in fiancées parents and his brother (the grooms dad). I think it's everyone trying to placate their parents who want the whole family to be really close.

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 31/07/2012 17:22

Just to address the rather sweeping statement:

If you don't know the person well enough to know their significant other, then how well do you know them anyway? Surely not well enough to warrant giving them one of only 30 places at your wedding??

The 3 people who came to our little wedding who were unknown by one of us were:

  1. the husband of my mother's oldest friend. He hadn't met my DH. My mum requested they both be there for moral support as my father has not long passed away.
  1. The wife of my DHs closest friend and confidant at work. An older man who has given him allot of moral support. I don't happen to have met his wife before.
  1. The husband of my friend from primary school. DH has met my friend but not her DH as my friend and i tend to meet up without partners.

Simples. I repeat i wouldn't have dremt of leaving out the spouses of these people even at a tiny do, because the main guest from each couple were very important.

SilkySmith · 31/07/2012 19:00

"Yes, Silky but if you are not close enough to want to go and not close enough to be missed, why the wedding invitation in the first place?"

well quite, but could be the MOG/MOB asking for them to be invited just becaus e they think they "should", in which case noone would miss em it was just a duty invite (not that I agree with them either!)

The day goes so fast anyway, its lovely to see the ones that came there but you really don't have time to miss anyone who's not there! There's no problem if you do it nicely. (e.g whenever I decline an invite I always send a nice bunch of flowers to the brides house in the week leading up to it wishing them a lovely day and asking them to let us know what site the photos are going up on etc)

clam · 01/08/2012 09:14

silky good idea about sending the flowers in the week leading up to the wedding.
I had a friend cancel on coming to our wedding on the actual morning, by way of the tag on a bunch of flowers from Interflora. Trouble was, we were leaving for our honeymoon for two and a half weeks straight after the wedding. Happy to leave the flowers for my mum, but it was kind of a waste really -glossing over the wasted place at the wedding breakfast issue.

YouOldSlag · 01/08/2012 10:55

I think it's everyone trying to placate their parents who want the whole family to be really close.

It's ironic then really OP that they are being so divisive in "keeping a family together" by separating couples and causing tension and offence.

Your wedding will be next but there will be an aftertaste of bad feeling in the future. You should have been included and using your "only a fiancee" status is so rude of them!

Original poster
Krumbum · 01/08/2012 12:49

Yeah. We have decided just to invite close family ie our parents and his sister and then close friends. My cousins, aunts, uncles arnt close at all so it's just easier and will be much more enjoyable (my mum doesn't want to pressure us either way). It is going to be a bit of a battle with his parents but we gots to be firm on this! Our friends will be bringing their partners though!

OP posts:
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