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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want him to stop being so angry

240 replies

linioj · 23/07/2012 16:39

My sister put my brother's details and forged his signature as her guarantor for rent (she suffers from depression). She fell behind on her rent and so he ended up liable and he did pay her rent using the savings he was given on his 18th birthday (this was back in March). He hasn't spoken to her since and everytime its brought he goes into a foul-mouthed rant about how he hates her.

I want him to let it go and forgive her because she has vowed to repay him and she has already started to put money aside to do this, the money he used was money given to him not money he had earnt and then saved. Also if he hated her he wouldn't have paid it and would have had her evicted.

DP says that I underestimate the level of betrayal (I know what she did was terrible) but it really upsets me and it is breaking my mums heart to see the level of hatred and contempt he has for her. I know I'm probably being U and he is only 19 but would it be too much for him to forgive and forget.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/07/2012 16:41

Put your money where your mouth his and you repay him the money and let your sister repay you?

He is only 19!!!!

5dcsinneedofacleaner · 23/07/2012 16:41

YABU thats an awful thing for her to have done, i can see why he finds it hard to forgive.

cuntflapwankbadger · 23/07/2012 16:43

YABU. She's betrayed him in an awful way, that's not something you expect family to do. I don't think depression is a valid reason for fraud tbh.

Dprince · 23/07/2012 16:43

I think you should keep out. Its between them. For what its worth i don't think you do get the level of betrayal.
I get you want everything right, but hear take time maybe when she has actually paid him back, rather just saying she will and paying some.
I would be really fucked off if my dbro did it. Tbh had i have been him i would have bee. Tempted to get legal advice. He didn't sign it, so he is not liable.
He could have been a lot angrier.

ObiWan · 23/07/2012 16:43

Are you actually the 'sister' who defaulted on the rent? Your attitude is unbelievable otherwise.

LentillyFart · 23/07/2012 16:45

Your sister is lucky he didn't go to the Police. I would have. YABU - he has every right to be mad as hell at her.

unuat · 23/07/2012 16:46

Have you spent too long in the sun? Your point of view is insane otherwise, she has defrauded him out of his money. She's lucky he didn't ring her neck

RubyFakeNails · 23/07/2012 16:47

YABU. He is 19 and has not only been betrayed but made to use his savings from his important birthday to help her with her betrayal of him.

Her behaviour is awful, regardless of her depression, she should have sought help from you, your mum or him. What does she think other people do if they can't get a guarantor.

He probably doesn't hate her exactly, but has lost all respect, trust and is just absolutely bloody furious as I and most other people would be.

I think she should be licking his arse, and being very bloody grateful for how helpful he was. I assume he is no longer the guarantor?

Give it time, he's entitled to his feelings.

TheVermiciousKnid · 23/07/2012 16:47

It's irrelevant whether the money was given to him or earned by him - it was his money! If you / your sister have that attitde, I'm not surprised he is still cross. Also, he presumably had little choice in paying up: wouldn't it have affected his credit rating?

It's nice to forgive, but (a) he is only 19, (b) what your sister did really was a betrayal, and (c) your sister's (family's?) attitude might not be helping - it seems that you consider him to be the one in the wrong now!

LaurieFairyCake · 23/07/2012 16:49

I think hes entitled to rant as much as he wants - your mum doesn't have to listen to it, she can leave the room.

Also, I'm a bit Hmm at you mentioning how he hasn't earned the money

  • so bloody what, it's still his money - your sister committed fraud, shes lucky he didn't tell the police.

And depression is not an excuse for fraud or even any sort of reason.

Dprince · 23/07/2012 16:50

Come on OP are you the sister?
If not I can't understand your point of view.

IloveJudgeJudy · 23/07/2012 16:51

Your DB is only 19. He used up his 18th birthday money to bail her out. Obviously, he does love her, but she hasn't paid him back yet, has she? I have a 17 yo DS and he would be devestated if he had to use the money he'd been given on somebody else. YABU.

ratspeaker · 23/07/2012 16:51

She committed fraud, ruined his credit rating, put him in debt so he had to use his birthday money and you wonder why he's angry?
He probably didnt realise he could have got out of paying it
if he'd gone to the police she could have ended up in jail.
I hope he has now got his name off as guarantor
If she's putting money aside has she actually paid him anything yet?

Doesnt matter that the money he used was gifted to him t was his money not hers

Dprince · 23/07/2012 16:51

I can't believe you actually wrote 'not earned and saved'.

sugarice · 23/07/2012 16:51

I would be seething if this had been done to me by either of my siblings and I would be equally cross that there appeared to be more sympathy aimed at the guilty party rather than me.

Original poster
linioj · 23/07/2012 16:52

ObiWan- I'm not the sister no.

I suspect you're all right it's just killing my mum and I'm fond of both them and hate seeing this curent situation.

OP posts:
pictish · 23/07/2012 16:55

YABU I'm afraid...what right did she have to put him in that position without his consent?? Her depression is neither here nor there regarding this issue - it's not like a licence to do whatever the fuck you want.

He is 19 and the money was his. Money that he had the maturity and forethinking to save for himself...and your sister in her immaturity took from him.

I am not surprised he is fuming. Be prepared for it to take a lot longer for him to forgive and forget. She exploited and used him and left him out of pocket...was he supposed to thank her??

I agree that you don't understand the level of betrayal, as your dp says.

If you're all so hell bent on his forgiveness then perhaps you'd all like to club together and give him his money back?

Akermanis · 23/07/2012 16:56

Why is she putting money aside to pay him back? any spare cash should go straight to him.

Tell her to start paying up now.

DollysDrawers · 23/07/2012 16:56

YABU, your poor brother.

RubyFakeNails · 23/07/2012 16:57

Personally I think your mum should be supporting your brother in his feelings.

If one of my DC did this to the other, I would unleash the mother of all bollockings. It goes against everything I teach them.

Although its tough (and I'ms someone who believes in a bit of tough love) as the mum I would be telling your sister that she made her bed and now she can lie in it. I'd also be pushing your sister to pay him back asap. If you and your mum are so upset by it, why don't you 2 pay him back on her behalf and be the ones she is indebted to.

Also I think money gifted to you for things like birthdays or christmas is special and should be used to buy something important or substantial, not for things like bills and food or rent. So I think its worse that he had to use that money rather than money he earnt.

How old is your sister?

Ariel24 · 23/07/2012 16:58

Your poor brother. His own sister treats him like this and you wonder why he's angry? Do you not think it could be so upsetting for him for that reason, it was a family member who did this to him?

She is lucky he didn't go to the police. Having depression is no excuse.

norfolkinchance · 23/07/2012 16:58

I'm going to stick up for the OP to a certain extent, it must be a horrible situation to see your mother upset, your sister presumabley racked with guilt and your brother openly ranting about his hatred for his own sister. Having said that this is a minor issue and it will probably take a lot of tim es for it to be resolved and he probably will never trust her fully again.

Original poster
linioj · 23/07/2012 17:00

My sister is 22

OP posts:
Dprince · 23/07/2012 17:01

Well I think your mother needs to speak to him. She needs to tell him she does not like it when he rants and when he does it again she will leave the room or ask him to.
However its not him that's 'killing your mum' the actions were your sisters. She is the one holding the blame.
Tbh you sound really unsympathetic to him, which is probably increasing his anger.

mayorquimby · 23/07/2012 17:01

And it's not simply a case of "if he hated her he would have just let her get evicted"
Unless he was going to report her, he was liable either way.