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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want him to stop being so angry

240 replies

linioj · 23/07/2012 16:39

My sister put my brother's details and forged his signature as her guarantor for rent (she suffers from depression). She fell behind on her rent and so he ended up liable and he did pay her rent using the savings he was given on his 18th birthday (this was back in March). He hasn't spoken to her since and everytime its brought he goes into a foul-mouthed rant about how he hates her.

I want him to let it go and forgive her because she has vowed to repay him and she has already started to put money aside to do this, the money he used was money given to him not money he had earnt and then saved. Also if he hated her he wouldn't have paid it and would have had her evicted.

DP says that I underestimate the level of betrayal (I know what she did was terrible) but it really upsets me and it is breaking my mums heart to see the level of hatred and contempt he has for her. I know I'm probably being U and he is only 19 but would it be too much for him to forgive and forget.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 23/07/2012 17:26

This was criminal fraud. And I am not surprised he wants no more to do with her. It is an absolutely shocking and wicked thing to do to a family member.

She should be grovelling and paying it back. Your mother is upset at your brother. She should be glad he did not report her to the police and had her prosecuted for fraud. I feel total sympathy for your brother as the inoocent party in all this. Can't believe your mother is siding with your sister. I'm not surprised your brother is angry. Most people would be.

ChickensHaveNoLips · 23/07/2012 17:28

YABU. I'd be bloody furious in his shoes and no, I don't think I would be in a great hurry to forgive and forget. Especially if everyone else in my family thought I should just suck it up and get over it. Tread carefully, OP, because this could damage your relationship with your DB forever.

HmmThinkingAboutIt · 23/07/2012 17:31

You need to start backing your brother and making your sister face up to the responsibility, not just financially but also emotionally. Just because she suffers from depression its not an excuse. It sounds remarkably like she's milking it for all its worth to gain support for her side of her actions and so you don't hold her fully accountable for her criminal actions.

TBH I think your brother should go to the police so your sister understands what she has actually done, and to clear his credit rating. The fact he hasn't, to my mind, means that he has earned the right to be as angry and as bitter as he likes as he has paid for the privilege with his credit rating and all the potential consequences that has for his future. Especially since you are refusing to support him over her.

Chandon · 23/07/2012 17:31

is this a reverse aibu?

cause you and your mum are unreasonable and your bro is not!

Viviennemary · 23/07/2012 17:33

He should go to the police and report it now. And let it be dealt with with through the proper channels.

Original poster
linioj · 23/07/2012 17:36

She's moved house and her current house didn't require a guarantor. She has tried to pay some of it back but he won't speak to or see her.

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 23/07/2012 17:39

She doesn't need to see him to start paying him back.

You could take the money and pass it on.

ChickensHaveNoLips · 23/07/2012 17:40

Can you blame him? Really? It's a huge betrayal of trust, and bunging him a tenner here and there will not make it right. She should pay him back in full, and then respect the fact that she has right roally fucked up and he might never forgive her. He doesn't have to just because you all want him to.

HmmThinkingAboutIt · 23/07/2012 17:42

She has tried to pay some of it back but he won't speak to or see her.

Are you saying, that the only way he can get HIS OWN MONEY BACK is if he agrees to see her?

Because if thats the case, she's trying to manipulate him, with repaying the money. He doesn't owe her anything, he has every right not to agree to see her. She however DOES owe him... Its not about her needs or wants. It must be about his.

scarletforya · 23/07/2012 17:43

he has tried to pay some of it back but he won't speak to or see her

Ha, I haven't heard such a piss weak excuse since 'the dog ate me homework'. She gets a postal order made out for the amount and posts it directly to him.

He doesn't have to speak to her or see her. She's trying to play the martyr and deflect the blame back on to your brother. Absolute nonsense.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 23/07/2012 17:43

lin, he doesn't need to see her or speak to her - she could just send cheques to him! I think he is well within his rights to feel he does not want to see or speak to her ... why are you surprised? Confused

You make it sound as if he has to act a certain way before she would pay him back ... that is not right at all.

It is hard, because she is depressed and you obviously feel she need protecting. But I think the time has come where she needs the shock of realizing how bad things have got, so she can seek proper treatment and begin to make amends.

RuleBritannia · 23/07/2012 17:44

You said that she is putting money by to pay him back. Why doesn't she give it to him directly instead of 'putting it by'? Paying in instalments is better than making him wait.

I am with the brother not the rest of the family. He will never lend money now to you all even if you are on your knees I hope.

pictish · 23/07/2012 17:45

OP I think you can manage to stay on side with both, with a little diplomacy.

Here's what I think is going on:

I think you and your mum have downplayed both what she did, and his right to be angry about it....and I think that has escalated his fury, because he feels he is not being heard or understood, or sided with - even though he did nothing wrong. So he has dug his heels in further...and who can blame him?

I think either you or your mum should take the money she is trying to offer and keep it for him until the full amount is there, and he can have it in full. I should imagine he's quite unimpressed by the offer of drips and drabs tbh.

He will calm down eventually, and I'm certain he won't stay angry forever...but he needs to be allowed to get over this betrayal and exploitation in his own time...not when you and your mum think he should. He needs some support and some understanding. If he does not get it, he will hang on to his righteous ire for even longer.

The fact that you mentioned your sister's depression in your OP suggests that you think it goes some way to explaining her behaviour. I don't agree, and neither does your brother...so if you have been trying to get around him that way, he is going to be even angrier and feel like his pov and feelings count for nothing in the face of your sister's depression, which after all provides no motivation for her wrongdoing.

In short he has been made furious by the initial crime, and made even more furious by the fact that his family seem to want him to forget all about it as though it never happened. No can do. Wake up!

Olympia2012 · 23/07/2012 17:46

I'm with your brother on this!

Your sister sounds a nightmare.... What else has happened?

Sallyingforth · 23/07/2012 17:48

DP says that I underestimate the level of betrayal

It's good to know that someone in the family understands what your brother is going through. Listen to him!

okiol · 23/07/2012 17:50

YABU she should be working every hour available to her and eating bread and water until he's been paid back in full and he could charge her for lost interest on his saving. The way you are trivialising it and saying he should be a good boy and forget for the good of the family is unlikely to be constructive.

AThingInYourLife · 23/07/2012 17:56

"He will calm down eventually, and I'm certain he won't stay angry forever..."

He might not.

Having your own sister steal from you like this is pretty huge.

I have a brother this much younger. I just can't get my head around this.

To steal from your little brother - it goes against every sisterly impulse to protect and love. Mind-bogglingly nasty behaviour.

Roseformeplease · 23/07/2012 17:56

It sounds to me rather like you are all skint and feel that somehow his money was fair game and he shouldn't be so bothered because now he is broke like the rest of you.

Olympia2012 · 23/07/2012 17:57

Does your sister work?

TheVermiciousKnid · 23/07/2012 17:58

Could she move in with you or your mum for a bit to save money? Paying him back should be her priority.

Original poster
linioj · 23/07/2012 18:00

Yes she does work, she's a cashier in a bank

OP posts:
maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 23/07/2012 18:01

YABU

I feel really bad for your brother, he must feel like the whole family has betrayed him because you and your mum have taken her 'side'

unuat · 23/07/2012 18:02

She's a cashier in a bank Shock

Couldn't make it up

FateLovesTheFearless · 23/07/2012 18:04

He can't just walk away from being the guarantor, it's normally a fixed contract for a certain amount of time so until the time is up he is still liable for your sisters rent unless he goes to the police and quite frankly if I was him I would be sorely tempted. How many more months is she going to fail to pay the rent? He is 19 it's not his responsibility and he has every right to be furious. Yabvvu.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 23/07/2012 18:04

It's not fair to tease the sister for her job IMO. She is obviously not well. The OP is obviously concerned. It's not a fun situation for anyone.